A Gigantic Thank You or In Between Tissues

Last time, I think I mentioned that my husband gave me a cold, but that I didn't feel that bad.  Why do I always have to tempt fate?  The next day I woke up feeling horrible and wimpy.  Ugh.

So I got a little off track with my Morning Pages, but I'm going to play catch-up today and make it all better.  Before I do that, I'll work on my Journal 52 spread, which is not done either...but will be by the end of the day.

But I wasn't a complete slacker...oh no!  I farted around with some just-for-fun stuff instead...

Still trying to use up the less-than-desirable-papered journals, I made this owl and the pussy cat spread, mostly with Inktense pencils.  I thought the outstretched wings on the owl made him look like he was saying 'the fish was this BIG'...so I added that bit to the journaling.

My poor Gregg journal has been sorely neglected for far too long, so I made a double page spread in him...I got the idea for this spread from one of the Root prompts...basically 'what would your inner wise woman say?'  Apparently mine would quote Gloria Steinem: "Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person."  My inner wise woman would tell me that in order for change to happen, you have to change first...and that I should continue my quest to be the right person.  This spread is Inktense pencils, Pitt Artist Big Brush pens and washi tape.

Partway through the week, when I was my sickliest and wimpiest, I wanted to create but nothing good was happening...no inspiration at all.  So I decided to try somethings I don't usually do, like use stencils with acrylic paint and see what happened.  Not my favorite page by far, but it got the creative juices flowing...and led me to the idea of a journal specifically for doing things differently, or for when I don't know what to do.  I think it will be known as my Inspirationless Journal...as a play on Donna Downey's beautiful Inspiration Journals.  I had a little binder style scrapbook lying around that was a perfect place to keep such imperfect messes...

This page happened next, also in my new Inspirationless Journal, and I was much happier with the results of playing around this time.  The journaling part says "The heart keeps on beating and constantly reaching for something worth holding onto, something worth going through the thing that we go through." which is a line from a poem which you can read HERE in its entirety.

Then there's this face...or start of a face.  I tried something different for her eyes, and I really like how they came out...now if I can just convince myself to go ahead and keep working on her.  Mostly, I just look at this page and say 'your eyes...your special eyes...' over and over.

And lastly, there's this girl, done in Aquamarkers...she's very...I don't know...cartoony or something...she kind of looks like a muppet to me.  I waver between liking her and feeling meh about her...but like the cheek shading...

Most importantly of all, I want to say a BIG HUGE GIGANTIC ENORMOUS THANK YOU!!! to Jackie, my honey, for the two (TWO!!!) humongous (HUMONGOUS!!!) care packages she sent me!  My kitchen table was literally overflowing with goodies!  Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, Jackie!!!  There is so much good fun stuff that I just can't wait to get playing and arting with!  Squeal of delight!  SQUEAL OF DELIGHT!  Thank you so much! <3<3<3  You made me go from a sickly, wimpy, whiny mess to a shrieking, jumping, ball of happiness in 2.2 seconds!  Thank you.  :)

And on that EXTRA happy note, I am off to finish my Journal 52 page, get caught up on my Morning Pages, and then have a good play with my new presents!

Recovering Girl

Oh, my darling peoples, I don't know what I'd do without you.  Your kind words never fail to make me feel better.  I love you all for taking the time to leave comments, most especially when I'm feeling tender (like I have been lately).  Your good words are helping me get through my rough patches and I wish I could express just how much that means to me...much more than even a blabber mouth like me can say.

To be truthful, I'm still feeling tender.  Someone at work today asked if I was feeling ok because I was so pale.  I love my emotions (at last), but they seem to be taking a toll on me.  I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving because I'll get a four-day weekend...I'm so, so ready for a four-day weekend.  I plan to sleep...and possibly make homemade sugar cookies with colorful icing...and then eat all of said sugar cookies by myself...but I'm also lazy, so maybe just the sleep part will prevail.  Sleep and art...yeah, that sounds like a winner...

I made another page in my Gregg journal.  At first I thought it was another depressing one...but I was staring at it for a while this morning and decided that it's actually more encouraging than I first gave it credit for:

She's more than just an injured girl.

I realized that there are a lot of things in this spread that look hopeful to me...subconscious hope is happening.  I realized that I painted the background green...green is my favorite color...I wouldn't put so much blatant green into something sad, because green is a happy color for me.  Then the flowers...stylized flowers in full bloom...another happy thing for me.  And even though the poor girl has some kind of brain injury, it's being treated.  She doesn't have some horrible, gaping wound (I don't know that I could draw a horrible, gaping wound...even if I wanted to...), she's starting to heal.

Looking at this recovering girl, I started thinking about all the things in my life I'm happy about.  I blame Deborah Weber for making me remember to be glad about good things...she's spending the month doing an abecedarium (which is a big word for an alphabetical list...I love big words...) on different aspects of gratitude.  You can read her blog HERE.  

While I mentally fight with myself about using the word "gratitude" (it's a long story), I have no qualms about taking the time to think about things in my life that I feel happy to experience.  Since I've felt so negative lately, I thought maybe it would be good to share a few of the positives too...gotta make sure to keep the balance, right?

Today's happy thoughts:

• Sugar cookies with colorful icing...ok, delicious cookies in general...
• which leads me to delicious food in general...Sunday, my husband and I made Oven Stew...I'm glad about Oven Stew...I'd be even more glad if there had been left-overs...but I digress...
• Big, fancy words...
• I'm glad to have art and other creative things in my life...that's an every single day glad thing for me.
• I'm happy to have met wonderful and supportive people who share my love of creative things.
• I'm glad to have the internet...which is really a creative tool for me...it gives me inspiration from others, lets me find out how to do things (tutorials/patterns), lets me veg out when I need to...let's me share my art and my words with people who care about the same things...people who make me feel special...I really love the internet...
• I'm glad to have four-day weekends...especially now that I have a job that actually pays me for them!
• I'm really happy that some stranger left a really great dog at my house for no reason...Fusco (or as he is affectionately known now Fuss-butt) is too awesome...I'll never understand why they left him, but I'll always be happy that they did.
• I'm happy about milk.  I don't know what it is with me recently, but I've been drinking milk like nobody's business.  I swear I could drink my weight in milk every day if I didn't restrain myself...right now I'm going through a gallon every two-three days.  I don't know why I want it so bad, but egads, am I happy about milk right now.
• I'm happy I've felt truly loved by good people, in the past and currently.
• I'm happy about music...that's another every day happy thing...
• I'm glad I've got my brain...it's weird and random, completely fun and completely terrifying...(occasionally those two things at the same time!)...I like that I don't always think how other people think.

That's not the whole list, but it's a good start for sure...I guess another thing I should add to the list is that I'm happy I have so many things to be genuinely happy about....yes, I really am GENUINELY happy about milk right now!  Despite the fact that I'm tender and sad and angry, I can still see so many positives.  It's not all doom and gloom.  Sure there's some mushy stuff rolling around in my brain, but it's got a lot of competition from bright, shiny, fantastic things, little things and big things too.  

What about you?  What are you happy to have in your life today?

Circles

I don't know what a psychotic break feels like...but I'm pretty sure I am having one.  I think the fact that I kind of giggled to myself as I wrote that means that it's probably true...but, hey, at least I can laugh about it, right?

I've told you before how I've basically denied all existence of my personal emotions for my entire life.  And then I discovered art journaling.  And all these emotions kind of poured out of me...or exploded out of me really...like Mentos dropped in a bottle of coke...geyser style...

That was a total surprise for me.  I didn't know I had all that stuff locked up inside.  SO MUCH STUFF!  But it felt really great to get it out of my head.  I could feel the weight lifted off my shoulders...it was like I finally breathed out and it made me twenty pounds lighter!  It's been a huge relief.  I think I've been learning to handle it all in a pretty good way...especially since I've never done anything with emotional stuff besides try to suppress it.

But this week, and I think (without knowing it at the time) probably most of last month, aka Crap-tober, I've been having some new-to-me issues.  I've come to realize that, much like everything else in life, some emotions are cyclical.  We don't just feel them, acknowledge them, and move on from them.  Somethings you can do that with...but not everything.  Ugh.  I guess I shouldn't be so bewildered at this, but I am.  Actually, I'm a little shocked about the whole thing.  

I've been thinking a lot about my friend Leonard.  I miss him a lot.  I know I always will.  That's not new knowledge for me.  But these big circle emotions that I seem to be having right now...that's a different kettle of fish.  

I've dealt with the loss of him...carefully.  In a detailed way...maybe that's the right way to say it.  Each time something new came up, I've analyzed it...over-analysis is my specialty...I feel like I've let myself run the gamut of grief.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, ...been there, done that.  I've felt all these things so strongly.  I was...almost proud, I guess...of how I let myself go through all of those stages.  They overlapped, they repeated, they ebbed and flowed and overtook me.  It didn't happen quickly, but eventually I got to a point where I felt like I could breath again.  I thought that was acceptance.  I naively thought I was done with the worst of it.

I've been seeing that's not true.  I've put a spread in Gregg about how I feel:

Repeat.

"This feeling is happening again and again."

"Where does it end?  When does it ever get easier?  Does it ever stop?  Or does it only repeat, repeat, repeat?"

I'm learning that some feelings are big circles.  Like other things in life, they live, they grow weak, they become dormant, they emerge again.  Flowers, butterflies, the seasons...add emotions to the list.  

They aren't exactly the same feelings.  Or at least there are some new ones thrown in the mix.  I'm still sad, I'm still angry, I still don't want it to be true.  But I find that I'm also upset that my memories are fading.  Maybe that is some kind of self-defense mechanism.  We have to lose them, otherwise we'd go crazy...but I can't stand it.  I don't want to forget.

I think it's hard for me because I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel.  I don't know anybody who I can be completely honest with about things...and someone who would understand how I feel.  I think dealing with suicide is different than dealing with other kinds of death.  Not harder, I don't want to say that, because death is always hard to deal with...but it is different.  

With suicide, you not only have to deal with the person being gone, you have to deal with the fact that they chose it.  He wasn't taken from me.  He wasn't stolen from me.  He made the choice and he left on purpose.  

And I blame myself.  In my head, I understand that it wasn't my fault.  But in my heart, I feel like it is.  I can't seem to find a way for my mind to overpower my heart in this matter.  Having to blame myself for not being able to see what was happening...for not being able to stop it from happening...that only adds to the pain of it all.  

I know that letting myself feel what I need to feel is good for me.  I know that talking about it is helping me.  I understand that I'm still learning too.  I know that I'll always miss my friend and that at least a part of me will always hold onto guilt and self-blame.  I know that I just have to learn to not let it overpower my life...maybe that's an ongoing process, not an end game.

I've lost someone I love very dearly.  I don't get him back.  I don't ever get to hear his voice or his laugh ever again.  He doesn't get to know what life had in store for him.  He doesn't get to know that things would have gotten better.  His life is stopped and  mine did too.  

I just want to say that there is ALWAYS another choice.  Talk to someone.  Life is not easy, but there's good to be had.  So long as you're living, you have the power to change your life.  There is always a different way out of a bad situation, and choosing death is not the answer to any problem.  I wish I had shown my friend how much he was loved.  I wish I could tell him I love him and let him know how much he meant to me...how much he will always mean to me.  I don't get to tell him.  He doesn't get to hear it.  We don't get to have a life together now.  Don't take that away from yourself.  Don't take that away from all the people who love you.

Viewpoints

So last post (the extra talky one) I mentioned that I had some art to share, and so here's one of the things I did during my 12 day blogging hiatus:

"Try looking at it another way..."

Of course, she is in my beloved Gregg journal, stuck in the page with some scrapbook paper bits and some washi tape.  You will be surprised (I am!) that I actually like how the writing on this page looks...that NEVER happens!  I don't know why I like it...I just do.

I got the line for this page from James and the Giant Peach...I'll admit it: the movie version.  I don't know that I've ever actually read the book!  That seems an awful shame too, because I think of it as a classic kids book.  And I LOVE kids books!  If you've never seen the movie version, though, it's worth a viewing, even for an adult with no kids.  It's a little naughty, but my favorite part of the movie is when the grasshopper and the centipede get into a fight and the grasshopper says "You, sir, are an ass!"  I'm giggling even now thinking about it...

Anywho, even though I love that line "Try looking at it another way..." and I think it's very good advice, it doesn't really apply to this piece.  I like her quite a lot upside down, which is how I added her to the book.  But if you turn her the other way, I don't like her nearly as much!

See what I mean:

I think if you look at her this way she looks like a creepy version of Julie Andrews.  It must be that haircut...

I do really like her pose though...head all the way back staring up at you like she is.  It's different than what I've done before with faces.  

After 29 Faces was over, I thought I was ready for something other than a face/line drawing...and I was...for a whole five days!  Actually, I didn't do any art for that whole five days, so I guess I was just a little burnt out on all things artistic...for those five days.

I did get the book Creating Art at the Speed of Life that I had the giveaway for, and I've been enjoying looking at it and doing the first couple lessons in it.  It's pretty interesting.  I like how it is set up, teaching a lesson (the first few are on color and that's what I've done so far) and then asking you to evaluate your own work.  I'm a big fan of realistic self-critique (e.g.- seeing what needs improvement without overlooking the good), so it's one of the things I like about this book.  I'm not very far into it yet, but I have enjoyed what I've done and I've learned things even in the first lessons.  Here's the link for the book if you want to check it out:

As far as recent art, I'm actually still not being very prolific.  I've been doing a little hooky hooky with crochet and a tiny bit of artsy fartsy, but more often, I've been cleaning.  I KNOW!!!  Gross.  I don't know why, but when the urge hits, I gotta go with it...because it comes so seldom.  And of course, I've been having fun with Fusco the drop-off wonder dog.  He's an interesting character for sure.  I am still working on my pieces for my friend Anna, who I'm sure thinks I'm the most procrastinating procrastinator EVER!  Soon, my Anna, so soon!!!

And on that note, I'm off to take Fusco for a walk and come back and work on Anna's pieces some more.  Until next time, my darlings...

I See Me In You...Face 28 of 29

Here's face# 28:

"She hoped he knew she was not being peevish, her mouth just hurt from dental work."
Thank you to my fantastic friend Anna for the interesting papers, the pad of 'Facsimile Transmittal Memo' sheets, and the ALL the other totally awesome things in the care package she sent.  I used to think I was good at packing things, but Anna's skill in filling every nook and cranny of the box is honestly a superhero level of skill...seriously, she must have been bitten by a radioactive Tetris game or something!  Thank you, my Anna!!!

When I first started drawing faces...way, way back when I was beginning art journaling...someone told me that a lot of people tend to make faces that look like them, autobiographical faces if you will, when they begin drawing.  I guess I was/am kind of odd, because my faces don't usually have that leaning.   Even the self-portraits I've attempted don't really look too much like me.  But when I was gluing today's face into Gregg, I realized that she resembles me a little bit...in the mouth anyway.  We've both got swollen cheeks and pursed lips...from dental work.

This girl is done in colored pencils, and I like how they look on the brown paper.  I also love the papers in the background that came in a care package from my friend Anna...they are just gorgeous!  Anna sent me an insanely stuffed box of things...I have goodies to use for the next 200 years, just from this box alone!  It was so much fun to open it and poor through all the fun stuff!  Thanks my sweet Anna!

So...tomorrow is the 29th!  That means just one more face!  That also means that it will finally, finally, FINALLY be time for the surprise prize giveaway!  So don't forget to come back tomorrow for the reveal!

Until tomorrow... (excited squeal!!!)  

Kate...Face 25 of 29

Face #25 is Kate:

"If you always do what interests you, at least one person is pleased."
-Katharine Hepburn

This is yet another page inspired by things I've seen on Pinterest, both the image and the quote.  I am really in love with this girl...or as Katharine Hepburn would say, "RAEL-LY".  I love her sassy hands on hips, and the expression on her face...she just looks like she's determined to do what SHE wants to do!

I've always been a fan of old movies, and Katharine Hepburn is one of my favorite actresses.  I think in all the parts she played, she really just played herself...and, to me, she must have been an interesting bird indeed.  Plus, we have (in large part) good ole Kate to thank for making it acceptable/fashionable for women to wear pants...which I am a gigantic fan of...HIP HIP HOORAY!!!

Until tomorrow, my fellow pants-wearing friends...

Passive Aggressive...Face 18 of 29

Here's face #18:

"I stopped caring twenty minutes ago."

In a sick, demented way, I really love this face.  It's her eyes, I think.  I see all the problems with the face (because I'm REALLY good at seeing my own mistakes!), but I don't even care.  I slapped this heifer into my precious Gregg journal anyway.  

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has those times when you're listening to someone talk, and they're just going on and on about something you couldn't possibly care less about, and you just know your face has to look like this girl's face...  I know for a fact I'm not the only one who feels this way, because people give me that blank stare a lot!  BUT, I try to do the right thing and shut up when I am on the receiving end of it.  Some people just have no clue about these facial indicators...or don't care...or just like to hear themselves talk...or whatever the reason...and they just...keep...going........  

There have been times in the past two weeks (the duration, so far, of the inexplicable funk cloud that's been hovering over me) that I am pretty sure my face has stayed like this for the entire work day.  That's weird for me, because I like my job, and, in general, I like the people I work with...and, for the most part, I'm just not one to make this kind of face.  I try to be nice and sweet and empathetic...but I've been failing miserably at it recently...at least by my standards.  Usually I don't have to try too hard to be a decent person...now I'm fighting with all my might not to fling poo at people like an angry monkey.  

I'm feeling a little bit better today, I can tell, because I've been laughing a little.  That's always a good sign, right?  It's either a good sign I'm feeling better, or a good sign that I've gone completely insane...only time will tell, I guess... (ha!)  

Whichever thing it is, just know that I promise I'll keep it together...at least until the 29th when it will be showtime for the surprise prize giveaway!  

Until tomorrow...unless of course, they've got me locked away in a padded room... 

Obscure...Face 14 of 29

Face 14 of 29:

"to obscure emotion was becoming a natural reflex; it helped sometimes not to feel at all"...paraphrase from
Truman Capote

I tore a page out of Other Voices, Other Rooms (by Truman Capote) early in the morning today...I couldn't sleep and at 3 in the morning, I finally just got up, figuring I might as well do something relatively constructive.  I didn't get my quiet time last night and BLARG!  I am really ready for quiet time.  I guess 3 AM art kind of qualifies, but I was extremely tired and mostly out of it (like a zombie...a sleepy, sleepy zombie), so it really doesn't...  

I used my faux gelatos on this girl, and it made me remember how much I like those things!  I should use them more often.  I was having trouble seeing the pencil marks on this book page last night, so I think my gal is a little wonky looking...but I do like the colors around her eyes.  The purple and pink and blue look pretty cool.  I stuck her into my Gregg journal with some scrapbook paper to differentiate the words on her page from the words on Gregg's page...and then, of course, some washi tape to stick it all together.

I've got to get working on a piece for a friend of mine from one of the Facebook groups I'm in.  She sent a piece of paper she made a background on, and I'm making something to go on the background and then I'll send it back to her.  I think all the ladies in this particular group are doing this, so when she gets all the pieces back, she's definitely going to have something very special!  I think I am the procrastinator of the group, so I've got to get a move on!  Well, really, I'm not a procrastinator...I just wanted to make the exact right thing for her background and it took me several days of staring at the beautiful background she had made before I could decide what I wanted to make.  But I finally picked, and now it's drawn and just needs colored in and then I can send it on it's merry way.  So I'm off to spritz my watercolors and get them ready for action.  <3

How to Shoot Somebody Who Out-Drew You...Face 9 of 29

Face 9 of 29...  Here she is:

"Love is not a victory march..."

She's another page in Gregg.  I used my Letraset Aquamarkers for coloring her.  I do love these markers so much.  I really need to work with them more, just so I can showcase how amazing they really are.  I feel like I am not doing them justice.  

The line on the page is from this song (Hallelujah sung by Jeff Buckley):

I think this version is so beautiful, although Leonard Cohen...come on, he's just awesomesauce no matter what he does...but I thought I'd give Jeff Buckley a little love today.

I think my favorite line of the song is "All I ever learned from love is how to shoot somebody who out-drew you" (which is the post title), but I thought the girl looked more like the line "Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah."  She looks kind of pale and sickly and broken to me, so I stamped the 'victory march' line instead.

I don't know what's up with me and my bitter love pages of the past few days...poor-sighted cupid shooting random people without the care you'd expect him to take, the sad girl who's been shot by cupid and who knows her love is unrequited but needs to hear him say it, and now this sickly girl who feels love as cold and broken.  I'm sure there's some weird psychological explanation for it...most likely a terribly obvious one...although with psychology, one never knows...  

I think we'll need to change it up a bit for tomorrow's face, but who knows what will happen.  I try not to make plans because they rarely become realities.  I'm always much too excited by whatever shiny thing pops into my brain at the moment...and often times, even that doesn't quite show up on the page...my hand and my brain don't necessarily cooperate with each other as well as I'd like them to.  But my rebel hand has been surprising me with interesting things as of late, so I hate to squelch its ambitions...  All I can say is we'll see...

Tell Me...Face 7 of 29

Woohoo!  Here's to a whole week's worth of faces!!!  *doing the happy dance in celebration of the little things*

Here's face #7:

"Tell me what I don't want to hear."

I got the words on the page from the lyrics of this song ("Tell Me" by Ruth Moody):

                               

Isn't that such a sad and pretty song?  

I love that Gregg had "I wonder if you realize the disadvantages" on his page!  It fit so well with the theme of the journal page!

I put today's face next to yesterday's coke-bottled glasses Cupid in Gregg.  I like the contrast between comical blind-firing cupid and the sad-faced girl who knows the love she feels will never be returned.  (Listen to the lyrics of the above song...it's what this poor girl in my journal is feeling.)  And THAT'S why stupid cupid should really be more careful with his aim.

Now I'm off to catch up on all the faces I've missed this week...I really want to get to see everybody's faces from the challenge, it's just hard to keep up with it with my work schedule.  Thankfully I don't think I'll have to work a weekend again till the end of the month, so I'm going to use Saturday's and Sunday's as a chance to catch up with everybody's work...while I still can...

Don't forget about the giveaway on the 29th!  Come back and see the mystery prize and in the meantime, don't forget to follow the blog...it will save you a step later! <3

Bang Bang Bang...Face 6 of 29

Face #6 and day 6 of the 30 posts in 30 days do-over....Hooray for keeping it up so far!  

Here's today's face:

"You don't take aim, you just BANG! BANG! BANG!" - Eilen Jewell

I picked the quote on the page from this song ("Bang Bang Bang" by Eilen Jewell) :

                          

I thought this was a funny song, and as I was listening to it, a cupid with coke-bottle glasses popped into my head...and then I thought it would be more funny if he didn't even wear his thick glasses as he was popping off arrows.

Poor-sighted Cupid is in my darling Gregg journal.  And of course, since it is Cupid after all, I had to use the arrow washi tape!  Then I saw the measuring tape washi and thought about how Cupid was just shooting off arrows all willy-nilly, whether people measured up as couples or not...it was kismet.

In spite of the silliness of today's painting and the song it was inspired by, I've had some deeper thoughts about the idea of how random love can be (as I was humming along and slinging my paint).

Not that legally blind cupid has anything to do with it, but I think a lot of times, we love people we shouldn't and we don't love people we should.  I wonder what it really is that makes us care excessively for people who might not be the best choice...or conversely, to completely overlook those who would compliment us perfectly?  And I don't mean passing infatuations based solely on looks...I mean deeply caring for someone.

I've always held to the fact that life would be much easier if people were completely asexual until they met the exact right person for them...and then BINGBANGBOOM!!!  You get the fireworks and the stars in your eyes and the little birds with hearts in their beaks flying around your head...and the other person feels the same way...because you're perfect for each other.  No more having to feel the sting of one-sided love ever again.  No more of one person in a relationship loving more than the other.  How nice would that be???

And no, you don't get to say "but what if we never met that perfect person"...we wouldn't be sad about it... We wouldn't CARE!  We wouldn't even think about it!  We'd have so much free time!  Would that I could get back all the wasted years of my youth thinking about stupid dudes that would never love me back...despite my general awesomeness...

I know it's an unrealistic dream...love takes work to maintain.  Anyone who says otherwise has never fallen into toilet water in the middle of the night because their significant other left the seat up and they didn't look before sitting...(contrary to what ANYONE likes to joke, that's no way to "make a splash" ).

Oh well, now that I've got mine relatively trained, he's ok to live with...he can lift heavy things and do yard work and he vacuums...(haha...but seriously, I will NEVER vacuum).  My real pity is for those who are still on the lookout for love...sometimes the chase is so much more interesting than the catch...what seems like a nice juicy fish in the sea of life can end up being a jellyfish that just stings you repeatedly and has no real value at all.  I really think that whole asexuality thing would help those folks out a lot... :)

Ok, ok...enough of my random blabbing for now...don't forget to follow me (my minions...bwa-ha-ha!) and come back on September 29th for the mystery giveaway!  Shooting arrows of good things straight at you like a Cupid with 20/20 vision! <3

Seagull...Face 5 of 29

Day 5 of 29 Faces and Sweet Red Clover's 30 posts in 30 days do-over!  

Here's today's face:

"But I ain't no seagull, you know my name." - Tom Waits

I picked the words for the page from this song ("So It Goes" by Tom Waits):

Oh, I love his scratchy, scratchy voice!  And great lyrics too!  Oh, I swoon, my friends, I swoon.

I had fun with this face...  She's done with a 2B pencil and watercolor (My watercolors are just Michael's store brand, but I REALLY like them...I wish they would sell individual colors of them...or a bigger set!) and then the writing is a 03 black Micron.  Her seagull beak mask makes me so happy!  It's kind of a silly touch for such a melancholy song, but I like it.

I kind of remember having a beak mask when I was a kid, except for mine was a toucan beak instead of a seagull...I want to say it was a toy from a McDonald's Happy Meal?  Does anybody else remember that toy?  Maybe I'm crazy...that's always a possibility... :)

And before I go just a quick reminder: follow my blog (pretty please with sugar on top!) and then come back September 29th and leave a comment so you can have a chance to win the surprise prize!  <3

Bea and Bee...Face 4 of 29

Day 4 of 29 Faces and my 30 posts in 30 days do-over!  

Here's today's face:

Bea and bee

The pretty red paper with the sweet cut-out corners came from my loverly friend Jackie B.  Jackie, see what I did there...with your last name?  I'm feeling quite clever about the whole thing... :)  Thank you for my AWESOME care package!  

I've been having great fun with the 29 Faces challenge!  I'm happy to be trying new things.  The simple line drawing today, with just a few things colored in, on the red paper makes me smile.  I resisted the urge to color the rest of her in...it wasn't easy...but I'm glad I did!  I like her how she is!

I am so excited to wake up and work on my faces.  And I am super happy for all the nice comments and glad to be getting to see everybody's faces too!  I'm working hard to keep up with the comments and to stay on track with posting each day!  It is a challenge...but, it's a FUN challenge!

Don't forget to come back on September 29th to see what the surprise prize will be and for your chance to win!  In the meantime, if you haven't done it yet, why not sign up to follow my blog?  It's so easy...and it will be a nice reminder to have a chance at winning!   Big squishes!

Mildred...Face 2 of 29

Day 2 of the 29 Faces challenge and I've got a silly gal today!  This is Mildred:

"Mildred refused to let a bad hair day ruin her stroll."

My goal for 29 Faces is not only to practice faces, but also to try new things.  With Mildred, I was looking at an awesome index card sent to me in the care package from Laura E.  The neat background was done by Laura, and I was looking at it when the shape of a face showed up...those great crazy hair shapes were the first thing I saw!  So I got my pencil and roughly sketched the outline, filled it in with gesso and painted Mildred into existence.  I'm super excited for the two washi tapes I happened to have (my washi collection is painfully small...and by that I mean more than ten, but less than I want!)  I think it looks like she's walking through the city with birds above her in the telephone wires!  So neat!

My husband walked by when I was taping her into Gregg (oh, my beloved Gregg!) and he says "That looks like Mr. Magoo."  I didn't know who that was!  For those of you who, like me, had no clue who that is, I give you Mr. Magoo:

After seeing his face, I had a vague recollection of seeing him before...No I didn't, I knew the name from the Leslie Nielsen live-action movie version, but I've never seen this guy before in my life...

I asked my husband why I would be aware of Mr. Magoo, since he was created in 1949 and turned into an animated series in the 60s (according to Wikipedia anyway)...I was born in 1983, this is a little before my time...  He was unimpressed with my sound reasoning and insisted that "Everybody knows who Mr. Magoo is!  He's like Tom and Jerry or The Jetsons or Bugs Bunny or (insert about twenty other cartoons), there is such a thing as reruns!!!"  This was followed by him staring at me incredulously for at least two and a half minutes, till I pretended to remember watching Mr. Magoo as a kid.  It was a lie...a terrible, terrible lie.

So maybe Mildred is Mrs. Magoo...a lot of cartoon characters do have alliterative names like that...Congratulations Mr. Magoo, I've found you a lady friend!

In addition to being day 2 of 29 faces, this is also Day 2 of my personal 30 posts in 30 days challenge.  I figured since I had so much come up last month, and I ended up not being able to reach my goal for Effy's blog-a-long, I would have my own personal challenge this month (aka another Sweet Red Clover do-over)!  If anybody wants to try to do 30 posts in 30 days along with me, please leave a link to your post in the comments section and I will be extremely honored!

Foxy

I wrote this post last night, and thought I hit publish...but in a sleepiness-induced haze, I apparently hit save instead...so hopefully it will still count as yesterday's post and I've got one more chance to win the class seat!  Anyway, here's the post:

This is the last post for the Blogalong with Effy.  I had a lot of...incidentals...come up, and I wasn't able to achieve all 30 posts in 30 days...BUT I did post a lot more than I would have if I hadn't committed to try.  So YAY!  I've thought about the fact that September has 30 days, so I may undertake my very own version of 30 posts in 30 days and try again...it can only contribute to me being a little more consistent in my posting, right?  I kind of like that I live in a world of infinite do-overs...

And because I am a glutton for challenges, I am REALLY excited about this (If I did it right, you should be able to click on the picture and it will take you to the site...If I did it right...if not, I know the button in the sidebar to the right does work...):

It combines my INTENSE OBSESSION with faces and my love of challenges I will probably fail at! (Haha!)  Seriously though, I am super excited about getting all that face practice in...so even if I don't manage to make 29 faces, I'll still be happy I got the face practice in!  And since it happens to coincide with my do-over 30 posts in 30 days, be prepared for lots of face related art posting in September...

In the meantime, here is what I got done today:

"Perhaps that sly fox had not come to steal her heart away."

Yes, another page in Gregg...I am really liking Gregg so much...not that you can tell... *eye roll*  His beautiful journal-y self makes me ridiculously happy...  This anthropomorphic fox also makes me happy.  Big words like 'anthropomorphic' also make me happy.  Not having to work at my day job for the next three days makes me VERY happy!

I'm saying goodnight at a happiness high!  Happy squishes for you all!!!

More Than Blue

Yikes...that's all I can say: yikes.  Sorry for me being so glum, my chums!  

I know that being sad/angry/upset/etc. is a part of life and all that, but I don't like to let myself get too far down before I try to pick myself up again.  Like I mentioned: especially not without a good reason for being that way.  

I'm feeling a lot better today/woke up on the good side of the bed this morning...so yay for that!  I don't know what happened exactly, but I've got the feeling of freedom flying around in my brain this morning...I feel weightless and sunny again.  I like these feelings much better!  

I do know that a big part of the reason I feel better was from the comments you all were loving enough to say...you really do make me so happy...

Another part of it was identifying some of what was bothering me.  Even if the reasons I had for feeling blue were 'small' in my eyes, I much prefer those small reasons to having no reasons at all!  So long as there's a reason why, I can do something to change things!  When I don't know what's wrong, I don't know what to change...that's pretty stinky!  So I'm rather glad for reasons, even if they are small ones...  

Another part of me feeling better was doing some more work with Gregg.  (He really is like a boyfriend, Boo! Haha!)   I decided to use my 'blue' heart from yesterday, but make it be a happier thought instead of using it how I originally said:

It goes without saying...but I'm going to say it anyway, of course...that I LOVE Gregg.

This is so much happier than the idea I started out with!  And I got to use some of my happy mail stash in this spread, which just adds to the happiness of it all!  The blue doily on the left page is from lovely Laura E.  Thank you Laura!  I was so surprised and excited to receive the care package you sent!  (Big squishes for you, my friend!)

"I've come so far.  Mostly good happens.  But it's ok to have bad days, so long as you know that doesn't equal a bad life at all.  THE PLAN is to always remember that my precious heart is so much more than blue.  Three steps forward, two steps back is still moving forward...dance your dance, kiddo."  I'm so happy Gregg had "THE PLAN" in him and I could leave it showing through!  I really like the white on the dark blue...it kind of reminds me of tribal tattoos...and I really like that too!!!

So, I did use my 'blue' heart, but in a way that reminds me it's not only blue.  I love that arrow washi tape!  I put it in to remind me that there are ups and downs and ins and outs, and that's what makes me know I'm alive!  

When I first started doing this spread, I was only going to have the middle writing on the blue page (THE PLAN part), but I was listening to this song when I was working:

And I got that line "I was so afraid that I'd come so far." stuck in my head, and I had to add it on the page too.  I was thinking how true it was for me.

I think, aside from all the things I mentioned before, part of my problem was that I've been looking around...and I really have come a long way.  I look back at my posts from when I was just starting to blog, not so very long ago at all, and I can see such a vast difference between where I am now and where I was then...artistically, yes...but even more so emotionally...such gigantic changes.   And that's such a good thing, I know!  But some little thing in my head looked up finally and realized...I'm in unknown territory!  As happy, happy as I am to be here...it's a little scary too!  Sometimes I find myself thinking "that's what old you would do...what are YOU going to do?"  It's kind of a weird way to think about it, but all those same old mistakes I kept making...I knew what the results were going to be.  Now that I am not letting myself repeat old mistakes, I'm bound to make new ones...and new mistakes are bound to have surprising results!  Whatever that little thing in my head is...the one that suddenly looked up and saw that we're not in Kansas anymore...that little thing is kind of freaked out!

So to sooth the little thing in my head, I had to remind myself that this is just one big dance...three steps forward, two steps back.  I make enough progress (three steps forward) to realize that I want to make changes in another area (two steps back)...but that's still forward progress!  "Dance your dance, kiddo."  That's so that I remember all the steps, forward or back, are part of what makes my life beautiful and what makes me who I am.  After all, I can't just march across the stage...that's a little too Hitler-ish for me.

Everyday, I think of new ways to improve myself...to make changes I want to make...ones that will get me inline with my personal inner compass.  I don't know what the end destination is just yet.  I only know that when my compass says a little to the left or a little to the right, I'm going to dance in that direction...I guess I don't march to the beat of my own drummer...I groove to it!

It took a couple blue-tinged days, the help of my dear friends, and working in Gregg but I  realized that I am dancing along quite nicely, and that's exactly what I want to be doing.

What's in My head Versus Reality

I've been thinking a little about that saying 'there's three sides to every story: your side, my side, and the truth.'  except for my brain got sidetracked.  What started out as thinking about the 'three sides to the story' thing turned into me thinking about the way I view things compared to the way things are...in other words, what's in my head versus reality.

I'm one who has been blessed and cursed with a good imagination.  There are things that are REALLY great about it, like being able to 'see' the scenes in the books I read and being able to think up all sorts of things for my art journals.  I can imagine what color combinations will look like when I'm wanting to crochet a scarf in a certain pattern.  Creatively, my imagination has been a huge help to me.

But my imagination is also a defense mechanism.  All my life, when things are very bad, I've imagined myself out of those bad situations.  When I was a little girl, growing up with a father who was generally a terrible person, being able to pretend things were different was how I survived.  People always think of me as strong, but what they don't realize is that I've just got a very strong imagination...  When bad things were happening, I wasn't there...I was off in my brain in some other place.  I think this is part of the reason I don't have a lot of memories of my childhood...because I wasn't there to make memories.

This imagination of mine has stuck with me into adulthood as well.  When I lost someone I dearly loved to suicide, I concocted a series of stories in my mind so that I wouldn't have to deal with the loss.  He's not dead...it was all a hoax...he's in witness protection somewhere, alive and happy and missing me as much as I miss him.  And I let myself believe this story with all my heart, because it was so much easier to imagine that he was out there somewhere still getting to see and feel and live than to let myself come to terms with the fact that he was gone and that the last words I said to him were horrible and mean and the biggest lie I've ever told in my life.  But for as long as I let myself believe this imagined story, I got no closure.  I couldn't let go of him.  I kept waiting for him to come back to me.

And that's not reality.  I finally came to realize that it will never happen, no matter how badly I want it to.  All I was doing was torturing myself.  Sure, it spared me in the beginning, when it was all too much to deal with, but for two whole years, I let myself believe the story.  For 24 months, I sat and waited on someone who would never show up.  That's not healthy...it took me long enough, but I figured it out...  And when I finally made myself let go of the pretend scenario I had created, I had a HUGE crash of grief.  Bone-shattering grief.

But something changed at that point.  Instead of having this open wound on my heart, it slowly started to heal.  I know I will always have a scar jaggedly running down the center of me, but I finally, finally let the wound close.  I didn't feel like all my life was slowly leaking out of me anymore.  I felt empty at first...so tired and cold from sadness and anger and disappointment and all the feelings that come along with such a thing. But as the hole in my heart scabbed over, I could feel myself improving...slowly, a tiny bit at a time, I was getting better.  I know I will always have this mark, and honestly, it will always be my favorite scar, because I wouldn't have it if I hadn't loved so hard and been loved so sincerely in return.  All the other things that have caused me pain in my life, none of them had any love in them at all.  But this one, this most agonizing pain, was one I felt because there was so much love at the core.

You would think that I would have learned my lesson...that I would have realized that it's better to accept reality than to delude myself into believing lies.  You would think I could have put A and B together a little faster...clearly I have taken my sweet time about it.  Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, you know...

It may have taken me a while...a good long while...but I'm finally seeing that I need to stop my imaginings when it comes to daily life.  When a situation is bad, I need to do something about it, instead of just pretend it's not there.  I can't spend the rest of my life living in a world of make believe.

I'm not saying I'll never use my glorious imagination again...but I'm going to try as hard as I can to never use it as a way to escape from things that I don't want to deal with.  Instead, I need to be truly strong and actually deal with things.

In the midst of all this thinking, I threw myself a little pity party and made this:

"Your heart's a thousand colors but they're all shades of blue." -Gregory Alan Isakov 

I had planned on making it an addition to Gregg (I told you he was my knew obsession...), taping down the heart and writing the lyrics mentioned in the caption onto Gregg's actual page.  Because I was having a pity party, I thought these lyrics applied to me so well...  Everything is sad and blue and I'm such a wimp and waa waa waa....  

But that's not true...that's my mean imagination playing tricks on me.  I do feel sad that I've used my imagination to escape from life...but there are so many other things in my heart, good things that aren't shades of blue at all!  I've got love in my heart.  I've got friends that are so very dear to me.  I've got my nice imagination, the parts of it that help me be creative and the parts that help me look beyond the surface and see what could be with a little bit of elbow grease.  I've got a million other colors in my heart.  And just because some days they seem to be hit with a blue light, it doesn't really mean they ARE blue.  So just sit back and be quiet, mean imagination...because I don't need you or want you anymore.  

Falling

Oh my dear...what a funk I got myself into yesterday!  And it started off so well!  First thing in the morning, I saw this beefy muscle-laden guy at the gas station who was very easy on the eyeballs...and beefy muscle-laden guys are not my usual pick...I enjoy scrawny little guys!  I want a guy that, if push comes to shove, I can take in a fight!  And this guy had freakishly large muscles...but I didn't see them in the stomach-turning, vomit-inducing way I normally would...OH NO!  This guy was making my morning as he bought his beef jerky (or whatever it is that people with arm canons like his buy at gas stations) and I got to nonchalantly peek at his cute booty...I thought this was gonna be an awesome day!  But, alas, after the gas station Incredible Hulk, it seemed to all go downhill...

The part that is really annoying about the downward spiral of my day is that there was no real reason why it took that turn.  I don't mind feeling angry or sad or upset if there's a reason...ok, that's not true, I never like to feel that way...but I dislike those feelings EVEN MORE when they're inexplicable!  And yesterday, I had no good reason to feel all grumpy and blue like I did!  

Ok...maybe one reason...summer.  Summer is my least favorite season.  I know that's a little weird...or at least I am constantly told by co-workers and friends that it's strange.  But it's true.  I wouldn't go so far as to say I hate summer...but...let's just say I don't like it near as much as any of the other seasons.  Sure it has it's good moments, but they just don't make up for the bad parts.

I stay hot all the time...boiling lava hot...like what hot flashes have been described to me as...THAT kind of hot.  When you yourself are boiling lava hot, and the ambient temperature is also boiling lava hot, you combine with it...this is how spontaneous human combustion happens!  All summer long, I live in fear that I am just going to suddenly burst into flame!  And I hate it!  I'm hot and sweaty and grumpy and I get headaches from being to hot...summer can be just miserable!  Sure you can do things to alleviate some of the heat, but having to be out amid people means that I can only take off so many articles of clothing without being obscene...or, more importantly, without being arrested.  

Worst of all, summer comes directly before fall.  Fall is my absolute favorite season, hands down, no question...FALL IS THE GREATEST SEASON OF ALL THE SEASONS!!!  So the fact that I hate to be sweaty and hot combined with my yearly eager anticipation of fall makes summer the pits for me.  

And now that its starting to be cool in the mornings, my anticipation for fall is getting more urgent!  I'm like a kid who knows they're going to an amusement park and is marking the days off the calendar...the closer it gets, the more excited I am...then I'm all over-stimulated from excitement and I start acting up!  It's not my fault...I'm just excited!

So, last night, instead of thinking about how a decent day went downhill faster than a Jamaican bobsled team, I did a little page in Gregg:

"Autumn is like a second spring when every leaf is a flower." - Albert Camus

Accentuate the positive, right?  Sure my day may have been a little blah, but soon enough it will be fall and then everything will be right in the world...the weather will be cooler, shadows will be longer, food will taste better, sleep will come more easily, blankets will be curled under, breath will be visible again, and I will once again smell the delicious smell of burning wood coming out of my neighbor's chimney...  I could make a list a mile long detailing the things I love about fall...

This morning, things are cheerfully rose-colored again.  Working on Gregg must have lifted my spirits back into a happy place.  Despite the fact that I have to go to work, I am going to stay in a positive frame of mind, even if it kills me...because autumn really is just around the corner and that's more than enough to keep me up and running...