I don't know what a psychotic break feels like...but I'm pretty sure I am having one. I think the fact that I kind of giggled to myself as I wrote that means that it's probably true...but, hey, at least I can laugh about it, right?
I've told you before how I've basically denied all existence of my personal emotions for my entire life. And then I discovered art journaling. And all these emotions kind of poured out of me...or exploded out of me really...like Mentos dropped in a bottle of coke...geyser style...
That was a total surprise for me. I didn't know I had all that stuff locked up inside. SO MUCH STUFF! But it felt really great to get it out of my head. I could feel the weight lifted off my shoulders...it was like I finally breathed out and it made me twenty pounds lighter! It's been a huge relief. I think I've been learning to handle it all in a pretty good way...especially since I've never done anything with emotional stuff besides try to suppress it.
But this week, and I think (without knowing it at the time) probably most of last month, aka Crap-tober, I've been having some new-to-me issues. I've come to realize that, much like everything else in life, some emotions are cyclical. We don't just feel them, acknowledge them, and move on from them. Somethings you can do that with...but not everything. Ugh. I guess I shouldn't be so bewildered at this, but I am. Actually, I'm a little shocked about the whole thing.
I've been thinking a lot about my friend Leonard. I miss him a lot. I know I always will. That's not new knowledge for me. But these big circle emotions that I seem to be having right now...that's a different kettle of fish.
I've dealt with the loss of him...carefully. In a detailed way...maybe that's the right way to say it. Each time something new came up, I've analyzed it...over-analysis is my specialty...I feel like I've let myself run the gamut of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, ...been there, done that. I've felt all these things so strongly. I was...almost proud, I guess...of how I let myself go through all of those stages. They overlapped, they repeated, they ebbed and flowed and overtook me. It didn't happen quickly, but eventually I got to a point where I felt like I could breath again. I thought that was acceptance. I naively thought I was done with the worst of it.
I've been seeing that's not true. I've put a spread in Gregg about how I feel:
|"This feeling is happening again and again."|
|"Where does it end? When does it ever get easier? Does it ever stop? Or does it only repeat, repeat, repeat?"|
I'm learning that some feelings are big circles. Like other things in life, they live, they grow weak, they become dormant, they emerge again. Flowers, butterflies, the seasons...add emotions to the list.
They aren't exactly the same feelings. Or at least there are some new ones thrown in the mix. I'm still sad, I'm still angry, I still don't want it to be true. But I find that I'm also upset that my memories are fading. Maybe that is some kind of self-defense mechanism. We have to lose them, otherwise we'd go crazy...but I can't stand it. I don't want to forget.
I think it's hard for me because I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel. I don't know anybody who I can be completely honest with about things...and someone who would understand how I feel. I think dealing with suicide is different than dealing with other kinds of death. Not harder, I don't want to say that, because death is always hard to deal with...but it is different.
With suicide, you not only have to deal with the person being gone, you have to deal with the fact that they chose it. He wasn't taken from me. He wasn't stolen from me. He made the choice and he left on purpose.
And I blame myself. In my head, I understand that it wasn't my fault. But in my heart, I feel like it is. I can't seem to find a way for my mind to overpower my heart in this matter. Having to blame myself for not being able to see what was happening...for not being able to stop it from happening...that only adds to the pain of it all.
I know that letting myself feel what I need to feel is good for me. I know that talking about it is helping me. I understand that I'm still learning too. I know that I'll always miss my friend and that at least a part of me will always hold onto guilt and self-blame. I know that I just have to learn to not let it overpower my life...maybe that's an ongoing process, not an end game.
I've lost someone I love very dearly. I don't get him back. I don't ever get to hear his voice or his laugh ever again. He doesn't get to know what life had in store for him. He doesn't get to know that things would have gotten better. His life is stopped and mine did too.
I just want to say that there is ALWAYS another choice. Talk to someone. Life is not easy, but there's good to be had. So long as you're living, you have the power to change your life. There is always a different way out of a bad situation, and choosing death is not the answer to any problem. I wish I had shown my friend how much he was loved. I wish I could tell him I love him and let him know how much he meant to me...how much he will always mean to me. I don't get to tell him. He doesn't get to hear it. We don't get to have a life together now. Don't take that away from yourself. Don't take that away from all the people who love you.