Sunday, November 10, 2013


I don't know what a psychotic break feels like...but I'm pretty sure I am having one.  I think the fact that I kind of giggled to myself as I wrote that means that it's probably true...but, hey, at least I can laugh about it, right?

I've told you before how I've basically denied all existence of my personal emotions for my entire life.  And then I discovered art journaling.  And all these emotions kind of poured out of me...or exploded out of me Mentos dropped in a bottle of coke...geyser style...

That was a total surprise for me.  I didn't know I had all that stuff locked up inside.  SO MUCH STUFF!  But it felt really great to get it out of my head.  I could feel the weight lifted off my was like I finally breathed out and it made me twenty pounds lighter!  It's been a huge relief.  I think I've been learning to handle it all in a pretty good way...especially since I've never done anything with emotional stuff besides try to suppress it.

But this week, and I think (without knowing it at the time) probably most of last month, aka Crap-tober, I've been having some new-to-me issues.  I've come to realize that, much like everything else in life, some emotions are cyclical.  We don't just feel them, acknowledge them, and move on from them.  Somethings you can do that with...but not everything.  Ugh.  I guess I shouldn't be so bewildered at this, but I am.  Actually, I'm a little shocked about the whole thing.  

I've been thinking a lot about my friend Leonard.  I miss him a lot.  I know I always will.  That's not new knowledge for me.  But these big circle emotions that I seem to be having right now...that's a different kettle of fish.  

I've dealt with the loss of him...carefully.  In a detailed way...maybe that's the right way to say it.  Each time something new came up, I've analyzed it...over-analysis is my specialty...I feel like I've let myself run the gamut of grief.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, ...been there, done that.  I've felt all these things so strongly.  I was...almost proud, I guess...of how I let myself go through all of those stages.  They overlapped, they repeated, they ebbed and flowed and overtook me.  It didn't happen quickly, but eventually I got to a point where I felt like I could breath again.  I thought that was acceptance.  I naively thought I was done with the worst of it.

I've been seeing that's not true.  I've put a spread in Gregg about how I feel:


"This feeling is happening again and again."

"Where does it end?  When does it ever get easier?  Does it ever stop?  Or does it only repeat, repeat, repeat?"

I'm learning that some feelings are big circles.  Like other things in life, they live, they grow weak, they become dormant, they emerge again.  Flowers, butterflies, the seasons...add emotions to the list.  

They aren't exactly the same feelings.  Or at least there are some new ones thrown in the mix.  I'm still sad, I'm still angry, I still don't want it to be true.  But I find that I'm also upset that my memories are fading.  Maybe that is some kind of self-defense mechanism.  We have to lose them, otherwise we'd go crazy...but I can't stand it.  I don't want to forget.

I think it's hard for me because I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel.  I don't know anybody who I can be completely honest with about things...and someone who would understand how I feel.  I think dealing with suicide is different than dealing with other kinds of death.  Not harder, I don't want to say that, because death is always hard to deal with...but it is different.  

With suicide, you not only have to deal with the person being gone, you have to deal with the fact that they chose it.  He wasn't taken from me.  He wasn't stolen from me.  He made the choice and he left on purpose.  
And I blame myself.  In my head, I understand that it wasn't my fault.  But in my heart, I feel like it is.  I can't seem to find a way for my mind to overpower my heart in this matter.  Having to blame myself for not being able to see what was happening...for not being able to stop it from happening...that only adds to the pain of it all.  

I know that letting myself feel what I need to feel is good for me.  I know that talking about it is helping me.  I understand that I'm still learning too.  I know that I'll always miss my friend and that at least a part of me will always hold onto guilt and self-blame.  I know that I just have to learn to not let it overpower my life...maybe that's an ongoing process, not an end game.

I've lost someone I love very dearly.  I don't get him back.  I don't ever get to hear his voice or his laugh ever again.  He doesn't get to know what life had in store for him.  He doesn't get to know that things would have gotten better.  His life is stopped and  mine did too.  

I just want to say that there is ALWAYS another choice.  Talk to someone.  Life is not easy, but there's good to be had.  So long as you're living, you have the power to change your life.  There is always a different way out of a bad situation, and choosing death is not the answer to any problem.  I wish I had shown my friend how much he was loved.  I wish I could tell him I love him and let him know how much he meant to much he will always mean to me.  I don't get to tell him.  He doesn't get to hear it.  We don't get to have a life together now.  Don't take that away from yourself.  Don't take that away from all the people who love you.


  1. Oh my, I am glad you told all this because - Been there done that. I can tell (as taken the last part first) it IS NOT your fault that your friend made suicide - as you said it was his choice. When people make these kind of choices there IS NOTHING one can do about it. If they really mean it then, as to speak, be it. Sometimes it is a shout for help - but then will the person be sure to be found in time - not do this completely.

    The First thing here. I am glad you are discovering about your feelings and get relief about it. If you got ALL out in one time you probably been found in thousands pieces so you wont get more than you can handle. If you have any questions or find you want to know more, I might be able to help.

    1. Thanks Mariane for all your kind words. I do understand it's not my fault, but some days it's hard to remember that.

      I'm happy that I'm learning to deal with my feelings too. You are right, I think that if we had to feel everything all at once, we wouldn't be able to handle it. Maybe those circle emotions are a good thing after all. <3

  2. I'm sorry you are going through this. It's so unfair and senseless. I hope your artwork is cathartic for you.

    1. Thank you for the kindness. Making the art is definitely cathartic for me. It helps me to get things out of my head. Before I discovered art/art journaling, all my thoughts just whirled around in my brain like a big tornado and it all moved so fast I couldn't understand what was happening or look at things was very overwhelming. Now that I've got art, I can get things on paper and separate thoughts can't gang up on me that way...and, while the path is not always clear, I can at least see that there is a way out. I don't feel mentally trapped anymore.

  3. So deeply sorry for what you are going through. I've had two male cousins take their own lives as adults. Most recently a female cousin lost her grown son to suicide one year ago. Her only child, she was diagnosed with cervical cancer the day she found his body. I can never say I know how you feel. I would just fold and be in a corner crying for awhile. I hope you find someone to help you through your feeling of guilt, because that is to heavy for you to carry, and in no way your fault. Grief is crippling if you don't talk about it, so keep talking! Bless you, hugs

    1. Thanks Jackie, my honey. I'm sorry for your losses too, and for your cousin's loss (your whole family really)...I know how much it hurts to lose someone to suicide, but I can't imagine how much more heartbreaking it would be to lose your child in that way.

      There were many days that I literally folded in half because of pain, sobbing so hard it made me physically sick. It's been more than three years, and they don't happen as often, but they still happen. Mostly now, I am blindsided by sadness. I'll be in the middle of doing some little thing that has nothing to do with anything, washing the dishes or driving to work or the store, things like that, and something makes me think of him and tears just start leaking out of my eyes.

      I know that I'll never meet someone exactly like he was, butI wish I could find someone who has qualities similar to his, just so that I can know those good things aren't entirely lost to the world. I want to know that, even if they are pieces of him spread out in a hundred people, those pieces still that other people will get to know parts of the goodness I did.

      I am hugging you back with a gigantic hug. <3


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