At a Snail's Pace

For DOCUMENTED LIFE this week, the art challenge was Gesso, and the prompt was: "The beginning is always today." -Mary Shelley

In keeping with my inadvertent wild kingdom theme, here's what I made:

A not-to-slimy snail!

I really liked that Mary Shelley quote, and I'll probably use the actual quote on some other journal page.  It brought to mind the fact that every day is a fresh start and a chance to do things differently...it's never too late for that and you never have to wait, you can just begin...

"It all starts here."
I used a tutorial I found on Pinterest to draw my snail.
You can find it on my board called "Draw".

I was thinking about that quote as I made my snail's shell.  I liked the way it spirals out bigger and bigger.  

I was thinking about how beginnings can be like that as well.  You start off slowly with something little and you gradually build on it and build on it and, over time, you find you're not at the beginning anymore...in fact, you're very far away from where you first started!

It's important to start from your heart!

At the center of my snail's shell is a little heart.  I think that must be where all things truly begin to take shape.  

If you'd have asked me in the past, I would have said everything starts in your mind.  You form an idea and plan and dream and all that and that's the start.

But I think I was wrong.  I think that it's all just an illusion at that point.  It's not quite real.

It's only when your heart gets involved in something that it has a proper start, because it goes from being a dream to something else...something you know you have to accomplish.  Sure, your brain is involved as well (hopefully anyway!), but it's not till your brain connects with your heart that you really start to create something.

I think that's the point where I'm at now...where my brain and my heart have finally connected and I know, both mentally and deep down inside, what it is I need to do.  It's a wonderful and slightly scary feeling and I'm interested to see where it takes me!

Things To Be

For JOURNAL 52 this week, the prompt is: 

"Think about the word 'being' and what it means to you.  This might mean being yourself and what makes you who you are, the things you do, or being present in the moment."

Here's what I came up with:

That clean water jar is a lie...I washed it just for you!

When I thought about this prompt, I knew pretty quickly what direction I wanted to go as far as the art went...

A little closer...this one is the most true to color...

...it would fit right in with my all-things-fauna theme I've got going so far this year... (I really hope insects count as 'fauna'...I mean, they're not 'flora', so they've got to be the other one, right?  That's what I'm going with anyway...)

"The best things to be: patient, smart, brave, kind."

I knew I wanted to draw a bee and have his black (thorax?) lines be words instead of just lines.  I felt like that was a pretty cool idea...

I do think he looks more like some sort of crazy wasp than a bee though...I think it's the crazy colors that make him more waspish...especially the green wings.  And possibly the blue-instead-of-black stripes...  But I do like the bright colors!

I wanted to make the letters really fat so that from farther away it would be hard to tell that they were words instead of stripes...which I think I succeeded at.  Unfortunately,  poor 'patient' is a little hard to read...I think it looks like it says 'pazzeni', which I don't think is really a word...but lets lie and call it Italian for 'patient', ok?  

Actually, if you took out the 'e' and 'n', it would be "pazzi" which actually is an Italian word...it means 'crazy'.  I only found that out when I googled 'pazzeni' just to make sure it wasn't some sort of foreign swear word...  It was a funny coincidence, because 'crazy' is a pretty accurate description of me, so whether you choose to read it as 'patient' or crazy, it's still true...

I tried to pick words for my bee's butt lines that describe what I am now in a small way, but also what I hope to practice this year.  "Being" is a verb, and (if elementary school English lessons aren't failing me) verbs are action words.  

I know a lot of people say the term as a kind of acceptance word...like "being present in the moment" or "just be"...which makes me think of a sort of stillness.  

I look at it more like this: "I am being patient/smart/brave/kind."  I think of it as practice...and once I practice enough, then I will actually become those things.  I will be able to say honestly that "I am brave/smart/patient/kind."...instead of just acting that way.

I like to think that at times I am all of those things...but not always.  I don't always make smart decisions...I'm not always brave enough to act...I don't always have kind thoughts...I'm not always patient as a saint.  And no one is going to always be those things...but I'd like to be those things more often.

I think that emotional and mental progress is kind of like trying to swim upstream...if you don't keep kicking, the current will pull you back to where you started!  It's not good to tread water too much, instead you've got keep moving forward, little by little, to get to where you want to be.

That's why I want to keep practicing 'being' until, one day, I just am.

To Live Without Definition

Another late one tonight...overtime and then mending a coat...sigh.  But I'm one post away from a month long blog-a-thon, so I'm doing a quickie tonight!

I used some happy mail napkins I got from my friends Boo and Pamikins quite a while ago, as well as some leftover's from my Journal 52 page for this week and ended up with this:

I guess it's a collage...

I had painted the background and then put other napkins on, but didn't like it...so I tried to take the napkins off...which ended up ripping the pages.  Oh well...let's just say it adds to the finished piece, ok?

"To live is the rarest thing in the world.  Most people exist, that is all."
-Oscar Wilde

I whited out the background on the page with the groups of girls, but left the colorful and crazy background for the individual girl...

While there have been times in my life I've wanted to fit in or, more correctly, to be accepted...those are two entirely separate things after all...I've never quite understood the desire to be like other people.  

In the past, I often wished that my brain functioned the way normal people's brains do...until I realized that most people's brains don't actually function all that well either.  I don't say that in a mean way...although now that I think about it it's probably hard to interpret that in any other way...

What I mean is that I see a lot of people putting "fitting in" over being happy.  I'm not always innocent of that crime myself...less so the older (and wiser) I get though.

The other day, a man I work with called me a free thinker and told me that I was therefore a rare and dangerous breed.  He said that generally people like me are misunderstood and tend to cause a lot of problems just by doing what comes naturally to them...because most people fear things that are different.  I think it was a compliment...

He's not wrong, I guess.  It's been my experience that people like to label things...and when they come across someone that doesn't fit into a predefined category, they're not exactly sure what to do about it.  I imagine that I've been very off-putting to a lot of people in my life so far.

I like to think that I have learned to temper my weirdness with kindness...that I don't try to shove my ways down anyone else's throat. 

I was thinking about Oscar Wilde's quote that I put on my spread today.

I always giggle to myself when people try too hard to stand apart from the crowd...because doing that just lands them in another crowd.  Maybe I'm just a little snobbish about my weirdness.

I wish that we lived in a world where everyone could be free to be themselves at all times.  I think people like to believe we live in that kind of world, but it's not true.  I've not met a person in my life, including me, who is not a watered-down version of the person they'd like to be.  And every single person I've ever known, again including myself, perpetuates the world as it is...because we like to pass judgement, consciously or not...we like our labels...we like to think we know what other people are, to be able to define them.  And to try to define another person is to judge them.

Starting now, I'd like to quit passing judgement on other people and, instead, to concentrate more fully on becoming the undiluted version of me.

Circle Back And Keep Learning

The prompt for JOURNAL 52 this week is "Circle".  This is the last prompt for this first year of J52...I can't believe it!  It seems like we only just got started!

Many thanks to Chelle (the generous lady behind J52) for all the hard work she put into this project!  She came up with some really awesome prompts, and I can't wait to see what she has in store for the future.  I can honestly say that I have learned so much and been stretched creatively and mentally/emotionally by this fantastic project. <3

Chelle mentioned in this week's post (linked above) the idea of bringing something to a close and the little twinge of sadness that goes along with it.  But she also called to mind that, as one thing comes to an end, something else begins...hence the "circle" prompt.

For me, there is a huge sense of accomplishment that goes along with Journal 52's inaugural year reaching completion...but I'd be lying if I said I don't feel that twinge of sadness here at the end of this first year!  (Thank goodness J52 will continue in 2015!)

One of my biggest goals in 2014 was to "not be a flake"...in other words, to see something through to the end.  And now here I am, with this last piece of that puzzle in my hands. In a day or two, I'll have completed my second year-long project (Documented Life).  All that's left of this year's J52 journal is to decorate my cover...and then it's over...it's complete...I did it.  I reached my goal and I proved to myself that I can stick with something...I am a finisher...I can do anything I put my mind to...wow.

Just wow.

And so, my friends, I present to you the last page of 2014's Journal 52 journal, a major milestone in both my creative journey and my personal growth:

Had to pick happy colors to balance out the blues that I was feeling over this being the last page!

I was thinking about those "Groundhog's Day" type movies when I did this piece...you know, the ones where the main character has to live the same day over and over until they get it right...

"It won't let go until you learn."

...I was thinking about how life really is like that in a way...how we seem to circle back to things, how we find ourselves in the same situations we've been in before, feeling the same way we've felt in the past, telling ourselves we'll never let a certain thing happen again and before we know it we're right back at it...

And I came to the conclusion that we can't free ourselves from those circles until we learn...until we honestly learn.  And just like in those movies, it's not up to anyone else...we're Bill Murray and we're the only ones who can change things...and if we don't, we're the ones who are doomed to repeat the same things time and again for the rest of our lives.

This last page of my J52 journal is to lovingly remind myself, to keep it fresh in my mind for 2015, that I'm the one who has to change...I'm the only one who has the power to make life better or to let it be the same as it always has been.

And I choose change.

A loving little reminder...

Like I mentioned at the beginning, all that's left to do is the cover and 2014's J52 journey will be complete.  I'll work on it and share that with you sometime before January (I better get a move on...not too many days left!) and I'll try to include all the 52+ pages (some weeks I was an overachiever) in that same post, so be on the lookout!

For now, I'm off to watch a little Sherlock and finish off my Documented Life journal...

New Tradition

The prompt for this week's DOCUMENTED LIFE spread is: "Document your family holiday tradition.  If you do not celebrate Christmas or a holiday this time of year, then choose a holiday that you do celebrate and document that."

I have to say that this was a difficult prompt for me...  I was raised in a household that didn't celebrate any holidays and I guess I've kept that tradition going after I got married.  It's just my husband and me, so pretty much the only thing we do is our anniversary and even that is a bit anticlimactic after eleven years.  

I was at quite a bit of a loss as to what to do for this spread.

Then I started thinking about it a little further, and what I kept coming back to was how people would always ask me when I was a kid whether I was sad for not having holidays...mostly I think people wanted to know whether I missed getting presents or not...

If I were completely honest, I can tell you that as a kid, I was a little sad not to have Christmas...but for me it was never about the presents.  It was about the Folgers coffee commercial.  Seriously.  

I don't know if anybody else will remember this commercial or not, but it was where a young adult son (who we will call Jimmy, for the sake of this flashback, although it probably was some other name) comes home from college or something and his parents don't know about it and he's making some Folgers coffee and his kid sister comes down the stairs and gasps "Jimmy!" and gives him a big hug and then the parents wake up and everybody's hugging and happy and drinking their Folgers and a good time was had by all.

My DLP journal has gotten so full that it's hard to take a halfway decent picture!

For me, I had this idealized version of Christmas in my head...the Folgers Christmas...where families got together and loved each other and all that stuff.  And maybe some families are lucky enough to have that Folgers lifestyle.

But as an adult, what I realized was that the vast majority of families, if they even do get together, either can't stand being around each other and are there mostly for the gifts or are playing one-up in the gifting department or are trying to stay in the good graces of aging parents because the will might come into play soon or various other reasons that have little to do with loving each other.  Being a grown up kind of burst my Folgers Christmas bubble.

"Maybe we should view everyday as an opportunity to give from our hearts."

And as far as the presents end of things goes, no, I never got presents for Christmas or my birthday.  But it's not like I never got presents ever!

I talked about this a little during Reverb, but a few times a year, my mom would surprise us with little things...we never knew when...things would just show up on our beds after school, sometimes wrapped, sometimes not.

Honestly, I always kind of felt bad for other kids...they knew when they were getting presents...birthdays and Christmas...it was practically mandatory!

What my mom did for us was really a present in two ways...the actual present, whatever it happened to be...but, more importantly (especially as I got older and started to understand how much it meant), we understood that mom was thinking about us...that she wanted to do something nice for us because she cared...not because she felt obliged to or because all the other families were doing it and so she had to...  

I can vividly remember bringing something to school one time when I was a kid, probably second or third grade...I don't remember what it was, but I remember showing my best friend and telling her my mom got it for me...she asked if it was my birthday and I said "no, mom just got it for me as a present" and the girl asked me "why?"  and I remember saying "I guess cause she loves me and was thinking about me"...I will never forget the look on her face and realizing in that moment that not every kid's parent did that for them...and thinking how much nicer it was to have surprise presents than birthdays and Christmas.

Close-up of my gal reminding me to be the kind of generous my Mom taught me to be.

As an adult, I don't follow the same beliefs that my family did growing up, but I also don't actively participate in holidays and the like.

It totally makes me happy when someone sends me something for the b-day or xmas or arbor day or whatever holiday it happens to be... because it's so nice to know I'm being thought of!  And it makes me even more happy to be thought of.when there's not a special occasion...just out of the blue!

While I understand that some people do still celebrate holidays for the religious aspect, that's not the case for most people I know...it's all about 'a time for giving'.  And with that in mind, I thought: wouldn't it be better if everyday were an opportunity to give from our hearts?

And so, I am going to start a new tradition for myself...one where I can share with others the kindness and generosity my Mom showed me as a kid.  Whether with a physical present or the act of being present with someone, I want to be able to show others that they are in my heart and on my mind whatever day of the year it happens to be.

Brute Angel Or The Lighter Side of Joni Mitchell

Sometimes I have these strokes of creative genius...ok, maybe I'm the only one who sees it that way, but it still counts!

That's what happened to me for this week's JOURNAL 52 prompt "Sing a song in your art journal.  You can make a list of songs, illustrate a favorite song, use musical inspiration, or just free play create while listening to your favorite music!"

I almost always listen to music while I am creating art, so I wanted to do something a little different and I chose to go with illustrating one of the lyrics from a favorite song.

Here's the song I chose, "Down To You" by Joni Mitchell:

I love Joni.  Her music has been an adored part of my life for a long time.  I don't want anyone to mistake my...more comical...take on her lyrics for me being disrespectful!  That's so not the case!  

But I also didn't want to descend into the sad-sackery that's been plaguing me in recent months, and Joni's music can be so melancholy sometimes.  What I thought I would do is take her serious lyrics and put a lighthearted spin on them, to remind myself that even in sad times or frustrating situations, there is still space for joy and levity.  

Here's what I came up with:

"You're a brute.  You're an angel.  You can crawl.  You can fly too."
-Joni Mitchell

I have the suspicion that other people are either going to find this as silly and fun as I do or else be really confused...but I honestly really enjoy this page for what it is.  

Knowing the song inspiration behind it and then seeing this beefcake gal and her tiny wings flying through the air just makes me smile!  And that's what I wanted out of it, so how could I not be pleased?

I feel like I could have gone a lot of different directions with this song, and all of them be a complete opposite from the place I chose to go...and one day that might happen.

But for today, on the heels of Reverb14 and the Powerful feeling I have in my heart from it, I feel compelled by this musclebound gal!  

If all the girls I make are me, as I often feel they are, then surely I am feeling my power today and am confident that my tiny little wings can take me in any direction I choose.

Reverb14 Rabbit Wrap-Up

I just want to say before I start, that Reverb14 is coming to a close , and I am NOT ready for that to happen!  Thank you to Kat McNally for this AWESOME experience and thank you to Deborah Weber, the extraordinary woman who led me to Reverb14, and thank you to everyone who left such wonderful comments here on the blog.  I am the world's worst comment responder, but I want you all to know that your good words, like Kat likes to point out, are truly magic and to thank you from the bottom of my heart for bestowing your magic on me during this time together.

Alright...I'm moving on before I start to blubber like a baby...

Today's prompt for REVERB14 is:

Revisit what you wrote on the first day of Reverb14.  How does that compare to where you are now i.e. what can you say today with certainty?  Then, without thinking about it too hard, finish the following sentences:

In 2015, I am open to...

In 2015, I want to feel...

In 2015, I will say no to...

In 2015, I will know I am on the right track when...but when I find myself veering off course, I will gently but firmly...

In December 2015, I want to look back and say...

"Silly" Rabbit...I told you those bunnies keep popping up for me!  I've been thinking about the whole symbolism of rabbits ever since that prompt about signs and symbols...Did you know that the easter holiday originally came from paganism (most 'Christian' holidays do...it's actually an interesting thing to read about...just google it some time) and the celebration of ostara (or astarte) was basically a celebration of rebirth and new life...the rabbit being a symbol of fertility (as well as the egg).  If one were so inclined, I suppose, maybe these rabbits that keep popping up in my art are symbolizing my longing for such a rebirth or a transformation regarding life.  Not that I go in for all that, mind you, but I just thought I'd throw that in there for those who do...you can make of it what you will... :)

There has been a HUGE shift for me during the course of Reverb14.  That FIRST DAY I said "I'm never certain about anything".  Oh buddy, let me tell you, has that ever changed!

Right now, I can say with certainty that I feel Powerful.  That's right, Powerful...with a capitol "P"!  All the forward progress I've made over the past year or so seems to have been focused down into a singular beam of awesomeness through Reverb14.

I am worried, because I've felt this power before.  I know that it is fleeting.  I let things come up and make me doubt myself...make me feel as though all this bravado is just a show...and then I wither, telling myself that I'm not really that girl.

But I'm not going to let that happen this time.  I'm going to continue to own this powerful feeling.  When I start to doubt myself, I'm going to come back and reread my Reverb14 posts to remind me of the girl who wrote all those courageous things...to remind me that the brave girl who poured her heart into this work was me...to remind me that I still am that same Powerful girl determined to make a life for herself.  I am that girl...

Close up of my version...I think he needs some more defining, but I like him too much, so I'm just going to have to make another copy and push that copy further...I'm wimping out of going to far with this guy, cause I REALLY like him!
You can find the original art on my Pinterest board 'Copycat With Respect' or if you speak (I believe) Japanese, HERE.  I believe the original artist's name is Kamoko Sakai and I think their art is MAGNIFICENT!!!

In 2015, I am open to CHANGE.  I am open to feeling fear, facing it, and taking the chance anyway.

In 2015, I want to feel FREE.  I want to feel, at last, as though I am the only person deciding my fate.

In 2015, I will say no to (paraphrasing Walt Whitman) THAT WHICH INSULTS MY SOUL.  I will say no to anything I choose, without feeling guilty and without feeling as though I have to explain my choice.

In 2015, I will know I am on the right track when I JUST KNOW.  I honestly and truly believe that I will be doing some mundane thing in the new year and it will suddenly occur to me that I am on the right track...that the things I had previously only had words for will have finally be put into action...there will be proof, physical evidence that my goals are being met and my dreams are coming true.  If, after that happens, I find myself veering off course, I will gently but firmly REFOCUS and REDIRECT myself.  I will remind myself, in times where I doubt or question, that I am in control.  If I find I don't like where I'm at, I have the ability to change it.  I've lived with very little before and, if need be, I can do it again.  Hard work never hurt anybody, and it's not going to start hurting anyone anytime soon...I will not be afraid of having to work hard to make my ideals come to fruition. 

In December 2015, I want to look back and say THIS YEAR, I WAS THE HAPPIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN.  I want to be able say that I didn't waste another year waiting for change to happen...but, instead, that I went out into the world and I made those changes I longed for.  I want to be able to say that I KNOW I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICES FOR ME and that I AM LIVING A LIFE THAT I'M PROUD OF.

I hope too, that all my Reverb buddies (and anyone reading this) will be able to say the same thing: that in 2015, we are the happiest we have ever been...we made the things we longed for become our reality...we made the right choices...we are proud of where we are in our lives...and that we are looking forward, in eager anticipation, to the joys that each new day will bring. 

♥♥♥

Joy And Space

The prompt for REVERB14 today is:

How could you make space for joy in the year to come?  How could you protect it?

"I would just like some space."

I live in a little house.  It feels so tiny.

I don't think it would be so bad if it weren't for the extraordinary amount of crap in it.  Over the years, we've gathered loads of stuff and you can't get rid of any of it, because "we might need it someday". So my house is full of stuff piled on top of stuff on top of other stuff.  And no matter how a person tries to rearrange it, there's still all that stuff taking up space...making everything feel cluttered and messy.  Nothing can stand out as special because it's all choked up and hidden by superfluous stuff.

I think that we let joy be like that too.  We let it be choked out by other stuff.  We hang onto all the thoughts and feelings from our past and let those things clutter up our minds to the point where there's no room for anything else.  Joy can't stand out as the precious thing it is because it's hidden by all the garbage stuff that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

When I was growing up, my family was pretty poor.  Not to the point where we went without the necessities of life...but pretty close at times.  Every once in a great while, though, my Mom would surprise my little sister and I.  Sometimes we'd come home from school and we'd find a little present on our beds...like a coloring book and a small pack of crayons.  Other times, individually, she'd let us play hooky from school and we'd get to spend time by ourselves with her, just doing the day-to-day stuff that needed done and maybe go to Dairy Queen or McDonald's for a rare treat.

There were a lot of bad things that happened in my childhood.  Like I've mentioned in another post, my father wasn't going to win any awards.  We, all of us, had to work really hard to get by.  By most people's standards, we didn't have anything.

I don't know if it was something that Mom taught us, or something that a person in that situation does naturally, but having so little taught us to look around and appreciate what we did have.  The sky and the stars, the smell of wood smoke (still one of my most favorite smells!), an inexpensive toy, a nice breeze on a warm day, a huge moth on the side of the house, spending time with the people you love...there were so many things that we took note of and appreciated that another person would completely miss.

That ability to notice the little things in life and to find a sense of wonder in them is something that is easily lost to us.  And we lose it in the business of more.  

We get so wrapped up in all the drama and crap that life flings in our direction...and for some reason, instead of tossing those things down, we chose to carry them with us.  And then there's no space in our arms for the good stuff.

In the coming year, I'd like to make space for joy by clearing out the clutter that's blocking my view.  And, once I find my joy again, I'd like to protect it by remembering that just because life is throwing crap my way, I don't have to catch it, and I most certainly don't have to hold onto it if it does happen to land in my arms.

Repeat And Advance

For REVERB14 today, the prompt is:

What sorts of signs and symbols have recurred for you in 2014?  Think: repeating colors, shapes, people, sayings, music, images, ideas.  Where could they possibly be leading you?

Color swatch for some new colored pencils I got this year.

I think I should probably say, first off, that I don't really believe in signs exactly...at least not in the mystical 'from the universe' sort of way.  The closest thing I can admit to buying is the fact that our brains are wired to make connections.  We are always searching for patterns, whether we are aware of it or not.  It's how we learn.  (You can find a bajillion articles on this if you google "pattern recognition and the human brain".)  Whether there's any meaning in patterns we see, aside from our ability to learn from those patterns, whether they're signs or omens or whatever...that's the part of it I'm skeptical about.

That being said, I can tell you some of the patterns I've noticed in 2014.

One thing that came to mind was a run of purple in my art journals this year...I actually recognized this pattern way back in JUNE.  I'm not generally drawn to purple, but it sure did crop up a lot this year.  

I've also had a recent run on bunny rabbits.  I don't know why, other than they're cute, but even today if I had time I was going to draw one for this post...

Which leads me to being drawn to animal related objects in general.  As I look around my studio, I notice that I'm surrounded by turtles, pigs, owls, raccoons, squirrels, dogs, cats, and an assortment of other various creatures...  Honestly, if I had to guess at any deep significance these guys might represent, I would have to tell you that all these things are wild and free...something that I myself would like to attain to...or it could just be that they are cute and quirky...

In my art journals, more than any other pattern, you will find faces on almost every page.  I've talked about this on the blog before, but this pattern I've come to recognize as my emotional outlet.  And then you will also find words, quotes and song lyrics, which are my brain trying to make logical sense of those emotions I'm feeling.  In my journal, faces are emotions and words are how my brain can comprehend those emotions so that action can be taken.

This year, I've also noted that my emotions have been cyclical.  Things I thought I had gotten over kept cropping back up for me...now that one, I can take as a sign, a sign that I wasn't really as 'over it' as I thought I was.  But that led me to discover that my way of feeling emotions (which are relatively new to me, like I've talked about in the past) wasn't so different from people who have dealt with them their whole lives...it was a relief to find that out!

I suppose that the patterns I've noticed most this year are patterns of behavior, in myself and in others.

In others, I've noticed repeating patterns...some people's patterns have drawn me closer to them and other's patterns have caused me to reevaluate my relationships with them.

In myself, I've noticed a deviation from some of the patterns I normally follow.  Things that used to be important to me have become less so...things that I claimed not to care about previously have taken on greater significance.

I believe I'm forming a new pattern of life.  One where I am the central figure and all other things radiate out from me.  In the past, I would have viewed this as selfish, and, even now, writing it down, it might come across that way.  But that's not how I mean it.  There are times in life that it must be that way, if for no other reason than self preservation.

There are times that we have to detach from everything so that we can figure out what it is that we really want to keep and what it is that no longer deserves a place in our lives.  No matter how hard it is, we have to let those undeserving things spiral away from us, because they are heavy and if we kept them close, then surely we would be crushed under their weight or else stretched in a direction we have no desire to go.  I can no longer view it as selfish to try and save yourself.

Maybe that's the problem I have with signs and the like...the idea that something outside of myself is pulling or pushing me in various directions.  I've lived that life.  All it ever got me was a broken heart and a mind full of regret.

Now I'm at the point where I must create a new pattern...and it has to be one where I am the sole artist involved.  So that if my heart gets broken or if I feel regret over something, then at least it comes from actions I chose.

I don't want to bless or blame the 'Universe' or anything else that may or may not be out there sending me signals...not ever again.  Whatever consequences come from my actions, good or bad, I will be able to selfishly proclaim that they are mine alone.

No More Stale Crackers

Today's prompt for REVERB14 is:

What nourishes your soul?  How would you like to incorporate more of this into your life in 2015?

"Desperately seeking partners in crime."

In my head, the idea of something that "nourishes the soul" leans me towards thinking of something done in solitude...by yourself...with no one knowing what you're doing and no one there to interrupt said doings...but that is NOT what immediately popped into my mind today.

Nope, my weird brain went full steam to the opposite of that and refused to come back.

What really got my butter churning today was the idea of simply hanging out with friends who get me...people with whom I am comfortable enough to be my normal crazy self and who feel the same way about me...nobody asking anybody to be anything other than what they are.

Don't get me wrong, I tend to be a fantastic hermit 99% of the time.  I need time away from people because it can get to be too much and I need to recharge or else I get...I don't know...psychotic might be the best way to describe it.  

But there's a part of me...a really huge part...that wants to be...whatever the opposite of a hermit is...

I've always been ok with solitude, with being lonely...it never really bothered me that much.  But there is a huge difference between being lonely when you're actually alone and being lonely with someone in the same room.

I've allowed my circumstances over the past several years to overrule my need for social interaction.  Avoiding it saved me from arguments and headaches and wasted breath and I've allowed myself to be "content" to just come home every day and sit in relative silence and an uneasy form solitude and say that was enough.

It is not enough.

All I want is to go out and talk and laugh and be silly and have interesting and/or ridiculous conversations.

It's been shoved into my head that I want too much...that I'm asking something out of the way and unreasonable.  I quit even mentioning it, because it only causes trouble and nothing ever ends up happening anyhow...sadly, a lot of things seem to that way...and I have no patience for wasting my breath.  

Over the course of this past year especially, I've realized that I don't actually need anyone's permission to do anything.  

I've gotten to the point where, once or twice,  I've just gone and had my (completely innocent, just so we're all on the same page) fun and then skirted around the truth of where I was.  But I really don't like the secrecy of it. I hate feeling like I have to sneak around as though I were doing something wrong, when all I want is to have a friend...god forbid that happen!

I've neglected my need for companionship and conversation and variety for so long.  It's especially disappointing because the opportunity for these things is all around me.  It's like being in a banquet hall full of all kinds of delicious foods and having someone force you to sit there and eat stale crackers every day.  Sure, you can survive, you're not starving to death, but are you really getting everything you need to be healthy and strong?

In the coming year, I'm going to quit letting those stale crackers be forced down my throat!  I'm going to do whatever it takes to not let my soul wither away from starvation.  I will let myself get full on the variety of life that is all around me, and I won't let myself feel guilty or ashamed for stepping up and claiming the things that I need to enjoy life to the full.

Tired of Your Crap

The prompt for REVERB14 today is (pardon the French):

How can you stop being an a-hole, get out of your own way, and make room for more of your magic to happen in 2015?

"Getting real tired of your crap."

I actually took a lot of inspiration from SUMMER PIERRE, who was the muse behind today's prompt.  In a slightly different way, I am also too harsh with my own artistic ideas.

I think the problem for me, and maybe other creative types face the same issue, is that I want to be 'good' at what I do.  And there's nothing wrong with wanting to do a good job or to make something you're proud of.  The downfall of this line of thinking comes when your desire to do 'good' outweighs your desire to move forward and experiment with your art.

When you lose that open attitude, you get stuck in a rut.  For some people, this means never even attempting to make art because they aren't currently 'good' at it.  I am relatively lucky because I didn't really have that problem when I was first starting out.  I was willing to put forth the effort and learn.

My rut came after I started making things I was proud of.  For me, it's my faces.  I love making my faces.  Part of the reason I love them is because I am halfway decent at it...I know what steps to take to get to a place where I'm happy, or at least relatively satisfied, with how they turn out.  And again, I don't think there's anything wrong with doing something you know and love...whatever that tried and true thing may be.

If you're always doing what you know,though, there's no space for learning.  To be honest, I like to think I do learn something new every time I make a face...a new detail, a different way of doing something...and I don't think I'll ever shut the door on faces entirely.

But at this point, I'm starting to feel a little too repetitive.  It's gone beyond a theme and turned into a rut.  Themes I am totally cool with...it's like having a signature style...something that is uniquely you and that others can recognize you by.  Ruts worry me, though, because they lead to boredom...and maybe, eventually, stopping altogether.

Right now, I think the biggest way I am an a-hole or, as a fellow blogger who I adore called it, an asshat (heehee...that is a great word...), is by telling myself I have to be good at something immediately and every time.  What a sack of crap that is!

The most idiotic part about the whole thing is that I know, I KNOW, from my past artistic experiences, you learn a million times more from the ugly, the bad, and the gigantic mistakes than you ever would from making perfect piece after perfect piece.

Coming in at second place in the idiocy competition is that I know that I LOVE to experiment.  Seriously, I cannot even tell you how many times I figured out something cool just because I didn't know the 'right' way to use a product or because I didn't have a certain thing I 'needed' so I just tried substituting with what I had and stumbled onto a brilliant new technique!

This reluctant attitude towards doing something different is dumb, dumb, DUMB and, frankly, lazy as well...and I have NO TOLERANCE for laziness!

Honestly, I think I've just been an asshat to myself in the wrong direction.  I shouldn't be internally mocking myself for making an ugly page.  I should be internally mocking myself for for not having the boobs (cause I literally can't have the balls to do anything...) to risk making an ugly page...because the other side of that risk of ugliness is glorious originality and continual progress.

So from now on, before I start working in one of my journals, I'm going to have to take a look at the scary girl I drew above...she's tired of my wimpy crap...and she's going to bully me back into artistic bravery!  No more asshattery in the wrong direction!

Try And Then Stop

For DOCUMENTED LIFE this week, the prompt was "Arrows" and here's what I came up with:

"See the past, but look ahead."

I think the combination of the two pages is...not my best work.  (Insert frowning face here.)

But if you look at them as individual pages, they're not quite as terrible.

And I do enjoy the sentiment...so I guess I won't gesso them over and start again.  Not every page has to be good, right?  It would be so boring to be perfect...thank goodness I'll always have something to work on.

-

For REVERB14, today's prompt is:

In 2015, is there something you'd like to try harder at because you believe it would make all the difference?  Conversely, what is something you could stop trying so hard at that might actually help you manifest what you'd like?

I think the right answer to this question...or at least the honest one...is I'd like to try harder at everything.  Or even, just try.

In my adult life, I have managed to give up on a lot of things that should be important.

In many ways, I live in a sort of survival mode.  What I mean is that I do the things I have to do to get by day to day.  I go to work.  I eat.  I sleep.  I do the bare minimum of housework so as not to catch scurvy or some other terrible disease.  I survive, but I don't thrive.  I'm not dead, but I'm not really living.

I wasn't always like this...I used to be a fighter.  Don't get me wrong, I still do, on occasion, fight for what I want to happen...but not often.  Mostly what I've been doing is taking things lying down.

It started, I think, under the idea of compromise.  I had this naive notion that if I would let something happen someone else's way, then it would be my turn and something would be done my way.  But that's not what ended up happening.  Instead, in order to avoid an argument, I just kept letting the other person decide how things would be done.  

Compromise only works if two people are willing to do it...otherwise, it's just one person getting steamrolled.  After a while, it gets to the point where not only do you not get your way, but where your ideas are stupid...laughable even.  Over time, you just give up completely.

 Eventually, I stopped putting any effort into anything.  Call it passive resistance, I guess.  

If you don't shut up about your views on what I cook for dinner, I stop cooking.  If you don't appreciate the fact that I do the laundry, do your own.  If you're going to dirty the house I just spent hours cleaning, I'll stop cleaning.  The list goes on.

But I hate the way things are now.  I'm ashamed I've let it get this far.  Not only for the physical aspects, like living in a filthy and disorganized house, but more for the overall attitude of disinterest I've had for so long...for allowing myself to be bullied into a corner.

The thing is I know me.  If I don't do something drastic, it will only continue this way forever.  

In 2015, the thing I need to stop trying so hard at is believing other people will change. ..that they will  quit being selfish and suddenly show consideration for me.  Logically, if it hasn't happened yet, then it's not going to happen.

Metaphorically, I'm way past the point of cleaning house.  The only solution now is to burn it down and walk away.  

I've held off for a long time because I thought things would change...that if I was different, it would motivate other people to be different too.  But that's not happening.  And at this point, to be perfectly honest, even if there was any sincere effort, it would be too little, too late.  I wouldn't believe it would be a lasting change.  Like so many times in the past, it would be a temporary fix to shut me up...and then, when I calmed down, things would go right back to the way they were. That's happened too many times to count, and I'm done.  I'm so done.

In 2015, I am going to calmly strike the match and walk away.  And then, I will work hard to build something new for myself...something I can be proud of...something worth fighting for.

Anyway

Today's prompt for REVERB14 is:

What are you really proud that you made happen in 2014, despite the gremlins?

And what will you do anyway'in 2015?

No.
(end of story)

I don't know if anyone else's 'gremlins' go this far, but mine like to tell me that I am responsible for the fate of all mankind.

OK, that's a slight exaggeration...BUT they do like to make me think that I'm responsible for the people I know personally.

I'm really proud that this year I figured out that's not true.  I'm not responsible for fixing everything, making everything better, or shielding anyone from the harsh reality of life.

I am responsible for one person in this world: me.  And while I can show kindness and concern for others, it is not my place to step in and do everything for everyone or to make the world all sunshine and roses.

I've always tried to live my life in a way that didn't disappoint the people I care about.  And then there have been times that I have done what I wanted and tried to shield them from the truth of the things I've done, but for the same reason of not wanting to be a disappointment.

The easiest way to shield people from the truth is to lie.  I got really, really good at lying.  For a long time, I looked at my lying as a sort of virtue.  It saves people from the truth of hard situations and it saves me from disappointing people...as long as they never find out the truth.  

But I don't like lying and I don't want to be a liar and I don't want to shield people from ME anymore.  

Instead, I am choosing a different way. 

 I am choosing to live my life as I see fit.  I also choose to stop trying to take responsibility for other people's choices...meaning that if someone doesn't like the choices I make, then they have the choice to not be in my life anymore...that's THEIR choice.  I don't want to lose people, but it is their choice and I won't interfere with that.  In a similar way, others might have the right to state their opinion or to give advise, but I have the SOLE right to decide whether or not I listen.  And I am not responsible for their feelings if I don't...that's their deal, not mine.  That's a hard thing for me to accept, but it's a true thing.  

I've heard it said in multiple places: No is a complete sentence.  In other words, whatever choices you might make, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.  Living that sentence has proven to be an entirely new experience for me.

Every choice we make has consequences.  In my eyes, in any given situation, the scariest thing that could happen was for me to disappoint someone I loved and for them to choose to not be a part of my life anymore because of it.  I don't know what it is exactly...maybe learning to accept myself or maybe the fear of living someone else's life for the rest of mine or maybe something else...but, for whatever reason,  losing people because of making my own choices, while it's not my ideal, is becoming a consequence I can live with.

To me, that feels like a mature line of thinking, and I'm proud of the fact that I've grown up a little this past year...it took me thirty-one years to get there, but better late than never, right?

For 2015, I want to continue working on this.  There are bigger choices in store for me in 2015...or, really, the choices are made, it's a matter of acting on them.  

Frankly, certain things have to be done, no matter how difficult it might be to do them...no matter that I'm afraid of what might happen...no matter that I don't know what the exact consequences might be.  

Ten or fifteen years from now, I don't want to be thinking and feeling the exact same things I have thought and felt these past ten or fifteen.  It is the very definition of crazy to do the same thing repeatedly and expect different results.  

I don't want to be a crazy old woman full of regret.  I don't want to wait to live my choices anymore.

In 2015, I will act on the choices I have made.

I will be afraid of the potential consequences.  I will fear hurting or disappointing people I care about.  I will be afraid of being wrong.  I will be afraid of the risks involved.  But despite all these things, it's my choice, and I will do it anyway.

Philosophy, Eggs, Roots, and Anchors

The prompt for this week's JOURNAL 52 page is "Think Sparkle and Shine - Lights, Bright Night Stars, Glitter, Metallics, Anything That Adds a Little Sparkle."  And here's what I did:

Oh crap...

I have strongly mixed feelings about this page...allow me to explain.

It started out as a genius plan to use this song, entitled "Sparkle and Shine" (how perfect is that?) by Steve Earle:

I was innocently trying to illustrate the second verse:

"Shimmering she moves

Sunlight all around her

Even when she's blue

Silver clouds surround her"

And everything was going perfectly...until I was finished and looked at the thing overall.  And then I thought Oh Crap!  This looks like a blue ghost floating to heaven (not my belief).  And then I thought Oh Crap!  This looks like a blue sperm swimming towards an egg (sunny side up cause of the yellow...then I giggle at 'sunny side up' in reference to people eggs because I'm a child...)...and that's gross.  And then my brain got this weird connection thing going on (it does this a lot) and I thought Oh Crap! what if the 'bright light' that people claim to see when having near death experiences is you seeing light for the first time when coming out of some lady's baby factory and reincarnation is real (also not my belief).

I find it mildly annoying to be having these semi-philosophical and mostly ridiculous thoughts based on an art journal page...I blame it on the glitter involved in the making of this piece.  I really don't like glitter.  Ok, that's a lie...I don't like glitter as an art supply...at least not in my hands.

It's a long established fact that glitter is the STD of the art world...once you get it, you aren't getting rid of it.  You used it once, five years ago, and it ends up on your body every so often for the rest of your life...a horrible disease for which there is no penicillin...

The bad part is glitter is pretty.  Actually this is probably the same reason people end up with real STDs...they're sucked in by the attractiveness and don't look for the warning signs...I don't know for sure, as I've never had one...that's just a theory...but I digress.

The moral of the story is that, because glitter is pretty, it sucked me in with it's beauty and made me feel safe.  I bought a big sampler-type package of it many moons ago because it looked so cute in it's tiny little shaker bottles...so colorful and sparkly and amazing....and I should have known better...I know the dangers of unprotected glitter use...but I was in love, so I bought it.  Now here I am years later with a big sampler package of glitter that I used once (after today twice) and I'm still picking glitter off my face from that first time!  

I believe there are two solutions to my glitter problem.  

Number one is to take my tiny little shaker bottles and put them on display in my studio...always to be looked at, never to be touched.  Then I can enjoy the pretty without actually risking exposure.  My only concern is that I will get so consumed by the beauty of the glitter that I will forget the danger and use again...and then I'm back to square one.

Number two is the other extreme, where I take all my glitter and go gangbusters and use it all up in one sitting and hope to all things good and holy in the world that I manage to rid myself of the glitter herpes at some point in life.

-

The prompt for REVERB14 today is:

What rooted or anchored you in 2014?

And where do you want to put down roots in 2015?

When I read the word "rooted' in the prompt today, it honestly didn't give me a positive vibe.  Maybe I'm crazy, but when I read it, the first thing that came into my mind was being stuck...when you're rooted to something you're not going anywhere!  

When I calmed down a little, I saw that the idea of having roots wasn't as scary and claustrophobic as it felt. 

Plants NEED roots to live!  It's how they nourish themselves and how they survive and thrive and do all that awesome stuff plants do.  And there I was, ironically with an alter-ego named after a freaking plant, being afraid of the permanency that roots brought to mind...it was at that point I realized that my roots didn't have to be anything specific...I didn't have to be bound to a literal place in order to have roots.

I will probably be repeating some things I said in previous posts, but the first thing (well, two things) that came to mind was my art journals and this blog.  Having a place...ok, two places...where I feel safe to completely purge myself of whatever is on my mind has been so...so...I don't even know what word I can use to describe the crazy fantastic, relieved feeling it gives me.  Like literal roots, these things nourish me...they have given me what I need to grow from a sparse and sad little seedling into something else entirely.  

I recognize that any growth or change comes from within me first and foremost, but the blog and journaling have enabled me to focus my energy.  

The journals are the place where everything goes...sometimes it's just one thing, sometimes it's a pile of stuff all at once...but it all gets in there eventually...and gets all that chaos out of my head.  

This blog is where I really dial in and get to the meat...where I can look at the journal page and the issue behind it and work on a solution.  I can't explain how much of a help it is to me to say/type these things out loud.  It makes everything...I don't know...more real...or maybe I should say valid.  It takes the things that make me question my sanity and let's me say "If it's important to you, then it IS important."  

This blog is the place where I first felt safe enough to start being myself, my TRUE self and the place where I laid the groundwork for becoming my true self in my day-to-day life.  And all the encouraging comments are like the sunshine in my growth cycle...they have given, and continue to give me, the boost to keep growing.  I don't know how you do it, but you all manage to somehow say the exact right things at the exact right times and I am sincerely grateful to you for it.  I would not be where I am today, mentally and emotionally, if it weren't for you...it's a debt I can never repay.

To be honest, in 2015, I am hoping to anchor myself rather than put down roots.  I like the idea of anchoring because, when there are less than favorable conditions, one can always pull up anchor and head for a safer harbor.

I am in the terrible habit of believing it's my fault when things don't work out...of feeling like a failure...or, more correctly, THE failure...the only one responsible.  I put so much effort into fixing things that can't be fixed...so often that I should probably get some sort of award for it.  

But you know what?

The captain doesn't control the whole ocean, only her ship.  There are times when we can brave the storm...times where we know the storm will pass and we will be stronger and wiser for the struggle we've endured.  And then there are times when the only thing we can do is find blue skies in the distance and sail on through. 

In 2015, I hope to take my roots with me as I pull up anchor and sail on through to those clear blue skies.