Flap Flap

This week's prompt for Documented Life (you can read more about DL HERE) was "Add a flap to your flap."  I made my own DL journal out of a SmashBook I had lying around since forever and I actually had to add a flap to this page so I could add a flap to that flap.  My original flap (with the monthly calendar) is on the next page.  So flap flap flap. Flap.  (hehe)

This spread was inspired by Mindy Lacefield's work.  You can check her out at her site, TIM'S SALLY.  In my Pinterest adventures, I have seen her work before, but for whatever reason, it has been catching my eye a lot lately.  I think it's her use of color and the childlike quality present in her pieces.  I like that her faces can be sweet and haunting (or slightly sinister looking...at least to me) at the same time.  So here's what I did inspired by her:

I think it's the black eyes that make them appear a little menacing to me...menacing in a good way...if that's possible...

Can I just tell you, despite all my efforts in the past to make realistic looking drawings, that I LOVE this girl! In fact, I love this spread...love, love, LOVE IT!!!

Part of my love for this spread comes from that teal on the page...Liquitex Heavy Body Cobalt Teal, to be exact.  Never in my life, did I think I would be the proud owner of a $20 tube of paint...but here I am...thanks to my lovely and generous mom!  (Thank you, Mom!!!  Smooch!  Smooch!  Smooch!!!)  Oh, hubba hubba!  Isn't it just dreamy?  And the blue on the page (Ultramarine Blue, in case you were wondering) is from my very first bottle of Golden Fluid acrylics!  Can I just say, I feel like a true artist, because I actually used my fancy paints?  Instead of waiting for the 'perfect' time to use them, I made this time be the first time!  I am a little proud/patting myself on the back over the whole thing!  

I have my two fancy bottles of paint sitting next to me on the desk, and every three minutes or so, I look over at them with dreamy eyes and whisper "I love you" to them...

In the background, the card with the flower on it was something my older sister, Marian, made using UTEE (which is ultra thick embossing powder) and an image from the interwebs, I do believe...  In real life, this has a very thick, glossy coat of goodness over it that the camera just won't pick up...but trust me, pure GORGEOUSNESS!  And then, of course is my flap with flap...yay!

I think the childlike quality of this spread lends itself well to my theme...

"We've all had a piece of heaven, but how many of us knew when we had it in our hands?"
I wanted to paint a stylized version of the fancy flower/UTEE piece that my sister had made to kind of tie it in to the page, because they really didn't 'go' together.  I love how the leaf to the right looks especially.

...I guess in my head, my theme is kind of childish in itself.  Basically it's talking about wanting something you know you'll never have.  Hoping beyond hope for something that won't come to be....wishing on a star.  I think it's why I wanted those flowers on the page as well, because even though they're beautiful, they look a little melancholy too.  

Flaps completely flapped out, with some personal journaling on the back.  Also, check out those neat black 'doodles'!  Such a cool technique...it's actually writing that I mirrored.  If you turned it on the side, and covered up half, you should be able to read what I wrote (if you are so inclined)...it's a cool way to have secret words in your pages (although mine's not so secret anymore, I guess!).  All you do is take tracing paper (or any paper thin enough to see through), fold it in half and write whatever it is you want right along the fold.  Then flip the paper over and copy what you wrote (it will be backwards now).  Then open up your paper and you will have a mirror image of your writing.  You can leave all the spaces open or color all or some of them in, and it will give you different looks.  Fun stuff, right!?!

I wonder why we do things like that...why we want what we can't have?  Why do we have to want what doesn't want us back?  And even if we did get what we wanted, it would never be like the picture in our head anyway, so why do we keep dreaming?  All these feelings...they sure are a hassle...just saying...

The adult part of me knows all that.  I know that what I want to happen is not 'good' or 'right'.  I know that it would never be like I imagine.  I know that even wanting the things that I do...'letting' myself want them...is foolish.

But the kid in me...oh, the kid...

I spent most of my life being a tiny adult.  I did what I was told: what was 'good' and what was 'right'.  I was mature and responsible and stable and steady and all those other grown-up words.  All those little kid things ways got locked up inside of me...probably right next to wherever my emotions were hidden...and they never saw the sun.

But now that my emotions are loose in the world, it seems like my secret kid parts have escaped and are rampaging like wild rhinos.  

I, Sweets, the adult, know that it's wrong and stupid and dangerous to want what I want.  But my bull-headed inner child is yelling to the top of her lungs that she doesn't care.  She wants what she wants and she refuses to understand that she can't have it.  She doesn't care that it will only end up hurting.  She doesn't care that it's just a day dream and that it's not possible in this world.  She just wants it and she refuses to be suppressed until she gets what she wants.  No matter how many times I tell her that it's not going to happen, she screams back at me that there's hope.  There's always hope.  And no matter how much the adult in me knows that hope, for the most part, is a terrible lie, she will not accept that.  She just keeps hoping...

...and she just keeps standing there with her arms wide open, waiting for the things she wants to fall into them.

A Gigantic Thank You or In Between Tissues

Last time, I think I mentioned that my husband gave me a cold, but that I didn't feel that bad.  Why do I always have to tempt fate?  The next day I woke up feeling horrible and wimpy.  Ugh.

So I got a little off track with my Morning Pages, but I'm going to play catch-up today and make it all better.  Before I do that, I'll work on my Journal 52 spread, which is not done either...but will be by the end of the day.

But I wasn't a complete slacker...oh no!  I farted around with some just-for-fun stuff instead...

Still trying to use up the less-than-desirable-papered journals, I made this owl and the pussy cat spread, mostly with Inktense pencils.  I thought the outstretched wings on the owl made him look like he was saying 'the fish was this BIG'...so I added that bit to the journaling.

My poor Gregg journal has been sorely neglected for far too long, so I made a double page spread in him...I got the idea for this spread from one of the Root prompts...basically 'what would your inner wise woman say?'  Apparently mine would quote Gloria Steinem: "Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person."  My inner wise woman would tell me that in order for change to happen, you have to change first...and that I should continue my quest to be the right person.  This spread is Inktense pencils, Pitt Artist Big Brush pens and washi tape.

Partway through the week, when I was my sickliest and wimpiest, I wanted to create but nothing good was happening...no inspiration at all.  So I decided to try somethings I don't usually do, like use stencils with acrylic paint and see what happened.  Not my favorite page by far, but it got the creative juices flowing...and led me to the idea of a journal specifically for doing things differently, or for when I don't know what to do.  I think it will be known as my Inspirationless Journal...as a play on Donna Downey's beautiful Inspiration Journals.  I had a little binder style scrapbook lying around that was a perfect place to keep such imperfect messes...

This page happened next, also in my new Inspirationless Journal, and I was much happier with the results of playing around this time.  The journaling part says "The heart keeps on beating and constantly reaching for something worth holding onto, something worth going through the thing that we go through." which is a line from a poem which you can read HERE in its entirety.

Then there's this face...or start of a face.  I tried something different for her eyes, and I really like how they came out...now if I can just convince myself to go ahead and keep working on her.  Mostly, I just look at this page and say 'your eyes...your special eyes...' over and over.

And lastly, there's this girl, done in Aquamarkers...she's very...I don't know...cartoony or something...she kind of looks like a muppet to me.  I waver between liking her and feeling meh about her...but like the cheek shading...

Most importantly of all, I want to say a BIG HUGE GIGANTIC ENORMOUS THANK YOU!!! to Jackie, my honey, for the two (TWO!!!) humongous (HUMONGOUS!!!) care packages she sent me!  My kitchen table was literally overflowing with goodies!  Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, Jackie!!!  There is so much good fun stuff that I just can't wait to get playing and arting with!  Squeal of delight!  SQUEAL OF DELIGHT!  Thank you so much! <3<3<3  You made me go from a sickly, wimpy, whiny mess to a shrieking, jumping, ball of happiness in 2.2 seconds!  Thank you.  :)

And on that EXTRA happy note, I am off to finish my Journal 52 page, get caught up on my Morning Pages, and then have a good play with my new presents!

Documented Life Week 3

Despite catching a case of the creeping crud from my husband, I'm still doing good on all my creative commitments...so YAY and Snoopy-style happy dance!  

Today I've got this week's Documented Life spread to share with you.  (You can read more about DL and join in the *free* fun HERE.)  The challenge this week was to use an envelope from your mailbox on your spread in some way.  It occurred to me that I had just used all those Sweet Red Clovers from my care packages last week...and that made me feel like I was secretly ahead of the game...or a trend setter...I'm not sure which...but either way, I told myself "Calm down, big head!" and figure out a different way to use the envelopes this time.  Here's what happened:

Documented Life, Week 3

I used Distress Stains in Tarnished Brass and Victorian Velvet for the page backgrounds.  My envelopes are the middle piece of paper on the left page and the three tiny envelopes from my Anna Banana  (two on the left, one on the right).

Left page close up.  You can see the envelope piece in the middle (the paper that says "Very well, then I contradict myself.")  That envelope and the large paper on the bottom (that was the front of a very sweet thank you card) both came from a friend I met through the KIOS blog-a-thon.  On top of the card front you can see two of the three tiny envelopes made by my friend Anna and sent to me in a care package!

The words on the paper are all lines from "Song of Myself" by Walt Whitman, which you can read HERE in it's lengthy entirety.  I've liked that poem, or specific parts of it at least, since I first read it.  Some people think it's a very egotistical poem, and I can see that viewpoint, but I don't feel that it is...it seems like it is more of a poem about acceptance and empathy to me.  That's how I read it anyway.  

I jumped around the poem and just picked some of the bits I liked and wrote them down in no particular order.

On this page, starting in the top left, it reads "I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable, (and under the card, which flips up it says) I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world."

Then on the papers and inside the envelopes, it says "Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large. (and the quote continues on the next page) I contain multitudes."

The right page close up.  This girl was one I had drawn (but not colored) for 29 Faces...she was my ode to Mucha, who's work I love...  I think I liked her better not colorized, but oh well, she's still pretty either way...and I have a picture of her in uncolored form to remember her by, so it's ok.  I'm happy she's finally in a journal and not floating around my desk anymore.  Also, the background page for this was a piece of scrapbook paper that I added to make enough spreads for 52 weeks...and look at the bottom middle, there's an envelope!  I didn't draw that stuff, and this was just the next page in the DL journal, so I thought it was a funny coincidence that letters were the challenge and I already had a letter on the page!  Crazy!

The Whitman quotes on this page say "no two alike and every one good" (which is just a little phrase/snippet that I really liked) and the last line of the poem, which has always grabbed my attention: "Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged, Missing me one place search another, I stop somewhere waiting for you."

The line "I contain multitudes" is what inspired me to use Whitman quotes on this spread...because I was thinking of all the lovely care packages I've received since starting art journaling...every time I get an envelope, it contains multitudes of creativity, love, and inspiration AND lots of fun stuff for me to get to play with!  I am so grateful to all my artistic friends for the wonderful things they do for me, mentally/emotionally and physically!  You all are fabulous and I smooch your faces (after I'm not contagious...or from afar)! <3

And on that note, I'm off to take some NyQuil and sleep my cold away...

A Documented Life and One Last Lovely Day

Isn't it amazing how much stuff you can get done when you're trying to avoid doing something you don't really want to do?  Well, maybe you are someone who just jumps in and does the boring thing to get it over with...I thought I was too, but it seems that's not entirely true...

A while back, a friend of mine asked me to sew something for her.  I really didn't want to, but I can't say no to her, so I agreed to do it.  At least a month ago, I got all the stuff to make it...and it sat there for various procrastinating 'reasons'.  But this past week, my glorious vacation week, I commanded myself to get it done before I had to go back to work.

So all week long, I avoided the fifteen minutes of time it took me to sew this thing for my friend by devoting a lot of time to things that also 'needed done'.  

It started out with me realizing I needed to clear my sewing desk (the one legitimate task on this whole list) before I could start sewing.  And I couldn't just dramatically sweep the clutter into the floor (which is my normal cleaning technique)...oh no...it was 'a place for everything and everything in its place'...and of course, some things had no home...so I had to make one for them...by cleaning and organizing the other places in the house...you know, so I could put the sewing desk clutter away.

And then we ran out of clean plates, so the dishes needed done.  And since the kitchen was clean, it was the perfect time to make some of those sugar cookies I've been craving for so long now.  And then my husband asked me to make him some banana bread, and how could I deny that?  (full disclosure: I am never swayed by what he wants...normally I'd tell him to make his own dumb banana bread...but I was procrastinating, so I made it...)  ...and then the kitchen needed cleaned up again...

And then, since I have to wear clothes, the laundry needed done before I have to go back to work...all of it...like summer clothes before I could pack them away...and winter clothes that I just hauled out...and then of course why not just wash everything and have it done with?  And that was the perfect time to see if anything didn't fit anymore (by trying on everything) and make a Goodwill bag...

And then since the studio (which included everything...down to sorting the smallest scraps of my ephemera stuff) and the kitchen and the laundry room were clean, the bathroom was the only one left, so I cleaned that too.  And, if you've been reading the blog for a while now, you know how much I don't clean...or don't like to clean...or don't like to even think about cleaning...so you know I was giving sewing project avoidance my all.

And then there was Morning Pages, and art journal stuff, and hanging some art around the house, and blog posts, and reading, and playing with Fusco the drop-off wonder dog...and...and...and...  The list could go on....and on and on...  Finally, I just had to knuckle down and sew.  And, yeah, it took me fifteen minutes...total...cutting, sewing, stuffing...everything, start to finish.  Quick, somebody yell "Shame on you, Sweets!"  

Nah, you don't need to say it, I already feel ashamed of myself...and snookered.  Like I snookered myself...  I mean, this whole time I could have been doing absolutely nothing of any importance and here I cleaned the house and made food and did responsible adult things everyday this week.  WHAT!?!  That's crap-ola... 

Just kidding about the crap-ola part (mostly).  All the stuff I got done did technically need doing...at some point.  Despite my laziness and general not caring about cleaning, I do like it when the house is in good order.  I'd just rather be doing other things...and I have a problem with cleaning up after grown people...I'm looking at you, husband!   ...but, since I bit the bullet and did it anyway, I do have to admit that I feel a certain amount of relief and comfort when the house is tidy.  And honestly, I think it makes me more creative as well.

I've worked on a lot of art this week, and did get several things done (you've seen some of them in the past couple days) and I've got something else to share with you today.

Have you heard about The Documented Life Project?  I bet you have, especially if you're on Pinterest...it seems like I see it every time I check in there...probably because it looks so AWESOME!  

"One part planner plus one part art journal and one part weekly challenge equals an amazing year of organization, inspiration and community."  That's the tagline.  If you want to find out more, or join in the *free* fun, you can find out more HERE and HERE.

This was actually a right place, right time project for me, because I've been wanting to redo that bill calendar I showed you a couple days ago.  The ladies doing this project/challenge are using/suggesting a Moleskine weekly planner, but since I am trying to use what I've got on hand when possible, I decided to convert a K&Company SmashBook that I've had since FOREVER (as in since they first came out...yeah, that's quite a while...).  I think SmashBooks are cool, but for some reason, I'd not been able to force myself to use the ones I've had (I have two...because they are so cool looking!).  Some people struggle with blank pages, I struggle with the thought of ruining already cool pages...but I powered through, and there's no going back now...

Here it is so far:

Look at those tabs!  Hubba hubba!

I put the monthly tabs in for quick reference.  I made them myself from my sweet stash of scrapbook paper...again, something I have (quite a bit of), but hardly ever use...same reason as above: don't ruin something that's already pretty!  I realized that it's better to just use it...they will make more paper...  To make the tabs, I just cut little squares of paper (about 3"x3"), folded them in half, rounded the corners with a corner punch, and used a tape runner to adhere them to the pages.  I wrote in the month names and used some Tim Holtz Idea-ologly Label Letters next to the handwritten.  I don't know how necessary the tabs are, but they just look cool, don't they?

Here's one of the pages.  It turns out that a smash book has enough pages for about 30 weeks (if you are doing each week like a two page spread), so I ended up adding some more pages with scrapbook paper.  I forgot to take a picture of it, but I found that the best way (for me) to add pages was to use some jewelry wire I had, loop it around the spiral binding, and then masking tape the ends to the paper I wanted to add.  Then, to cover the masking tape, I glued (or taped, really, with double-sided tape) scrapbook paper over top.  It was a little bit of a pain, but it worked really well without adding too much bulk.

Like I said above, I did each week of the year as a two page spread.  I drew in the calendar bits myself.  At first, I was being meticulous, with my ruler and accurate measurements and straight lines, but then that got boring and was taking FOREVER, so I just winged it the rest of the way.

As you can see in the picture, I also added monthly calendar pages as tip-ins on the pages where the first of the month landed.  The two pictures above show a tip-in closed and then an open one.  I used scrapbook paper (again) for those, using various washi tapes to adhere them.

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." - C.S. Lewis

This is the first page in the book.  I (washi) taped in two envelopes (one on either side) to the the little vellum advertising page at the beginning of the SmashBook.  I also left on the protective plastic cover thingie that the book comes in (I just cut off the part that goes over the pen/glue stick combo thingie...maybe it's called a SmashPen?), that way my cover will stay neat and clean...I like to reserve covers for the very last so they don't get messed up as I work in the rest of the book.  The clear plastic cover also gives me two pockets for holding various things (like another envelope...that's the yellow you can see peeking  at the top left of the left page).  

And I think that's it for the book so far...we'll just have to wait for the new year to see how the Documented Life Project will work.  I had fun making my little journal/organizer/whatever-you-want-to-call-it book, and I'm proud to say that I used ONLY what I had on hand to make it; I didn't buy one new thing!  That's an ongoing aspiration for me...to use what I have in my stash...so I can have room to buy more things!  I really need to yarn-it-up, because if I could go through my stash of yarn, I'd have A LOT more room...but I digress...

So today is my last lovely day of vacation...it's been wonderful...*sigh of happiness*  I don't want to go back to work tomorrow...*sigh of sadness*  I've decided that I was meant to be a House Frau... but one who doesn't really cook or clean all that much...so maybe Lady of Leisure fits better...  Yeah, definitely that one...  Unfortunately, art supplies are not free, so (hi-ho, hi-ho) it's back to work I go.  I've heard people say they couldn't stay at home all day, because it would be boring, so they work even when they don't have to.  Can I just slap those people?  I make my own fun...as long as I could afford art supplies, I'd be fine.  So if any of those 'bored' people want to switch places with me, that would be awesome.

What about you?  Are you meant to be a House Frau (like I was)?  Or do you prefer to go to work (and if so, can we switch places)?  What about Documented Life?  Have you heard of it?  Are you going to see what it's all about and attempt it with me?  Or do you have other fun projects planned for the new year?

Life is for Learning or Art From Start to Finish

Wow, I may have fallen off the KIOS wagon, but three days in a row with art to share...way to go Sweets!  *pats self on back for an obscene amount of time*  

So...as a present to myself, I am taking Jane Davenport's (known as JD from this point on) Supplies Me class.  I had gotten her Whimsical Faces Video from Cloth Paper Scissors (when on super sale...egads, I love a good sale) and it was such a good video, probably the favorite one I've bought from them (so far...hehehe), and I knew I really wanted to take another of JD's classes at some point.  I just didn't think it would happen anytime soon.  But then, surprise Xmas bonus at work (HUZZAH!)=me getting to take one of her classes!

This is my Week 1 (Texture) homework for the class, from start to finish:

Light gesso layer, followed by washi tape, tissue paper, fancy napkins...

Followed by more washi, tissue paper, fancy napkins, and sheet music...and a coat of gesso where I smooshed the pages together while the gesso was still wet (for added texture)...

Followed by Dylusions sprayed through two different Heidi Swapp stencils.  Can I just tell you how much I didn't want to add anything else to the page at this point?  It was so vibrant and glorious...the picture just doesn't do it justice...GORGEOUSNESS!  ...but I was good and added more, starting with a layer of clear gesso...

The gesso faded out the Dylusions background a little bit...making it, as Donna Downey would say, touch worthy (hehehe)...  So here's where I started sketching in the face (with colored pencil...Trust me when I say to start sketching with colored pencils if you don't already.  I swear that was one of the best tips I picked up from the Whimsical Faces video...as a former compulsive eraser, I can testify that I LOVE not being able to erase now!).  Then a light coat of craft acrylic in a flesh-ish tone for the face and a light gesso wash in the hair area.

Blurry picture, why you so blurry?!?  As you can see (hopefully, despite the blur...), I started adding in more color and shading with Inktense pencils and Neocolor II's.  On a side note, I want the entire sets of both of those things now...especially the Neocolor II's.  Then more shading with some Distress Markers (which I got on clearance at Michaels...yay for clearance) and a little bit of Winter White acrylic paint for the eyeball whiteness...

Close-up of texture-y goodness!   This picture makes me so happy I could squeal!  Why can't all my phone pictures turn out so awesomely?  (I'm looking at you, blurry picture above!!!)

And because it worked so well the first time, another EXTREME close-up!

Finished face...used a Micron, a few gel pens, a Sharpie paint pen, Distress Markers, and Bombay India ink for the finishing touches... 

"Life is for learning."  (Quote from Joni Mitchell song which you can listen to below)  Finished spread!  I used Distress Marker, Bombay India Ink, Recollections Signature markers (which I've had FOREVER) and Sharpie paint pen for the lettering...and then splattered some of the India Ink on the page for a finishing touch...  On a side note, most of my desk is now splattered with India Ink...including my computer screen.  I am writing to you around dots of color...  I'm hoping it will come off (at least from the computer screen!), but if not, it's ok, my stuff is just extra decorated now...

And here's a photo collage of all the pictures above, just because I made it for the class, and because I feel extra technologically advanced for making it! *more shameless back patting of self*

 I LOVE this spread!  Aside from the hair (which I will be practicing thanks to an AWESOME video my friend Boo sent me the link for) and the lettering (which I will be forcing myself to practice...for real this time...), the thing is just swoon worthy!  Even the hair and lettering being less than perfect doesn't really bother me horrendously...I'm still self-swooning!

As promised, here is the song that I got the "Life is for learning." quote from (Woodstock by Joni Mitchell):

Aah, Joni, my love for you is boundless...I swoon for you...and this journal spread...and you...le sigh...

Now I'm off to start Week 2 of the Supplies Me class...colored pencils! Enjoy your creative life, wherever you are on this fine day...

Weather

Find out more about KIOS HERE

The prompt for KIOS today is:

What's the weather like where you live today?

It was unseasonable warm today...it got up in the 60s, and it was sunny all day, despite the weather app on my phone insisting that there were supposed to be scattered showers.  I think I'd like to be a weather girl, because it's the only job I can think of where you can be wrong more than half the time and still not get fired.  

It's supposed to rain the rest of the week, but according to my phone (aka the LIAR) it's going to be 70 here tomorrow.  If that is true, I'm going to be annoyed, because it's DECEMBER!  That should mean sweater weather, not sweaty weather!  I want cold weather...waa!!!

Also in the forecast is creativity...but that's pretty much every day for me...

I'm still working on the bunny page from a couple days ago, but I did make this little washi tape bound book:

I have no idea what I'm going to use this for...but it was easy to make...

I made it out of a piece of  9x12 watercolor paper that I had collaged some bits of paper on, then stamped over...

I don't know what the deal was with the color scheme...it's not my usual fare, but it seems very cheerful, doesn't it?

I like the taped binding.  I've not done it before, and it was so simple that I may have to make up some more!  I love washi tape, but, egads, I wish it was stickier.  I cheated and used matte medium to glue the washi to the pages so that it would actually stick.  And I went over the whole book with clear gesso when I was done with it, just for added stability.  All in all, a cute and easy little project.

I'm so happy it was a short prompt today!  I spent FOREVER with yesterday's prompt (because I am a blabber mouth...) and didn't get to do hardly any art...so I'm chomping at the bit tonight.  

I'm off to work on the bunny page...maybe I'll have that done by tomorrow and be able to share it with you!  Till then, my friends...

Self-ish

So...I said I wasn't going to do any more 30 day challenge thingies...but I'm not the boss of me (...wait a minute...)...so I shall be doing the Kickin' It Old Skool (KIOS) blog-a-thon.  Maybe I'll last the whole month, maybe not, but in the last post, I talked about wanting to take risks and learn to dive in, so I'm at least going to try...

Don't click the picture...click HERE (for more info)...because I am technologically inept...

The first prompt they had was to do a self-portrait...take a picture of yourself.  A 'selfie'.  Just for the record, that word (selfie) is on my list of terrible words that I hate...not for what it represents, just for the word itself...

Anywho, I was looking through the other ladies posts and have discovered that I'm not the only one who's attitude toward having their picture taken is all BOO.HISS.HISS.  I'm in good company on that front, so yay.

In an effort to steer you clear of looking at my giant melon head, please look at the owls on the wall...or the green girl in the background (that I did for the monochromatic lesson in Pam Carriker's Creating Art At The Speed Of Life book.  I have done several lessons in it...I'll share them eventually...I really need to get back to that book!)...or the horrible wood paneling...or crochet samples...anything but my gigantic melon head...

You've been warned:

Remember: avert your eyes...owls on the wall...green girl in background...inspiration cork board...anything but the girl with the melon head!

I'm so sorry we had to go through that!  But we did it together...and now that it's over, we will never speak of it again...

In order to take your mind off of that horror, please look at this mediocre art journal page:

Sorry I'm so mediocre...but it's better than melon head girl up there...

This page is part of my effort to use up the original art journals I started in...the ones with the less-than-desirable paper.  Not my best page by far, but I do like the colors together...even the pink...*insert shocked gasp here*...I think it's the 'coffee' splotches on the pink paper that make me like it better.  And I totally dig that silhouette washi tape...I've had it for a while, but I never seem to use it.  I don't know why...that's a lie, I hoard the really cool stuff... 

I got that quote off Pinterest, but I messed it up...I think it's supposed to say "You are still hidden somewhere deep in my heart." ...or brain...or foot...I don't know, I can't remember...it was something...but for sure it wasn't soul.  But whatever, soul works too...  It's my art journal, I can misquote if I want to...  That's a lie, you can tell it's irritating the crap out of me...  But also, I'm lazy...and I don't want to un-stick the tag and redo it, so 'soul' will just mean heart/brain/foot/whatever in our heads...

That's all I got for tonight.  I'll be interested to see what tomorrow's prompt will be.  I can promise you this: no more pictures of my melon head...you are welcome in advance...

Till tomorrow...

Circles

I don't know what a psychotic break feels like...but I'm pretty sure I am having one.  I think the fact that I kind of giggled to myself as I wrote that means that it's probably true...but, hey, at least I can laugh about it, right?

I've told you before how I've basically denied all existence of my personal emotions for my entire life.  And then I discovered art journaling.  And all these emotions kind of poured out of me...or exploded out of me really...like Mentos dropped in a bottle of coke...geyser style...

That was a total surprise for me.  I didn't know I had all that stuff locked up inside.  SO MUCH STUFF!  But it felt really great to get it out of my head.  I could feel the weight lifted off my shoulders...it was like I finally breathed out and it made me twenty pounds lighter!  It's been a huge relief.  I think I've been learning to handle it all in a pretty good way...especially since I've never done anything with emotional stuff besides try to suppress it.

But this week, and I think (without knowing it at the time) probably most of last month, aka Crap-tober, I've been having some new-to-me issues.  I've come to realize that, much like everything else in life, some emotions are cyclical.  We don't just feel them, acknowledge them, and move on from them.  Somethings you can do that with...but not everything.  Ugh.  I guess I shouldn't be so bewildered at this, but I am.  Actually, I'm a little shocked about the whole thing.  

I've been thinking a lot about my friend Leonard.  I miss him a lot.  I know I always will.  That's not new knowledge for me.  But these big circle emotions that I seem to be having right now...that's a different kettle of fish.  

I've dealt with the loss of him...carefully.  In a detailed way...maybe that's the right way to say it.  Each time something new came up, I've analyzed it...over-analysis is my specialty...I feel like I've let myself run the gamut of grief.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, ...been there, done that.  I've felt all these things so strongly.  I was...almost proud, I guess...of how I let myself go through all of those stages.  They overlapped, they repeated, they ebbed and flowed and overtook me.  It didn't happen quickly, but eventually I got to a point where I felt like I could breath again.  I thought that was acceptance.  I naively thought I was done with the worst of it.

I've been seeing that's not true.  I've put a spread in Gregg about how I feel:

Repeat.

"This feeling is happening again and again."

"Where does it end?  When does it ever get easier?  Does it ever stop?  Or does it only repeat, repeat, repeat?"

I'm learning that some feelings are big circles.  Like other things in life, they live, they grow weak, they become dormant, they emerge again.  Flowers, butterflies, the seasons...add emotions to the list.  

They aren't exactly the same feelings.  Or at least there are some new ones thrown in the mix.  I'm still sad, I'm still angry, I still don't want it to be true.  But I find that I'm also upset that my memories are fading.  Maybe that is some kind of self-defense mechanism.  We have to lose them, otherwise we'd go crazy...but I can't stand it.  I don't want to forget.

I think it's hard for me because I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel.  I don't know anybody who I can be completely honest with about things...and someone who would understand how I feel.  I think dealing with suicide is different than dealing with other kinds of death.  Not harder, I don't want to say that, because death is always hard to deal with...but it is different.  

With suicide, you not only have to deal with the person being gone, you have to deal with the fact that they chose it.  He wasn't taken from me.  He wasn't stolen from me.  He made the choice and he left on purpose.  

And I blame myself.  In my head, I understand that it wasn't my fault.  But in my heart, I feel like it is.  I can't seem to find a way for my mind to overpower my heart in this matter.  Having to blame myself for not being able to see what was happening...for not being able to stop it from happening...that only adds to the pain of it all.  

I know that letting myself feel what I need to feel is good for me.  I know that talking about it is helping me.  I understand that I'm still learning too.  I know that I'll always miss my friend and that at least a part of me will always hold onto guilt and self-blame.  I know that I just have to learn to not let it overpower my life...maybe that's an ongoing process, not an end game.

I've lost someone I love very dearly.  I don't get him back.  I don't ever get to hear his voice or his laugh ever again.  He doesn't get to know what life had in store for him.  He doesn't get to know that things would have gotten better.  His life is stopped and  mine did too.  

I just want to say that there is ALWAYS another choice.  Talk to someone.  Life is not easy, but there's good to be had.  So long as you're living, you have the power to change your life.  There is always a different way out of a bad situation, and choosing death is not the answer to any problem.  I wish I had shown my friend how much he was loved.  I wish I could tell him I love him and let him know how much he meant to me...how much he will always mean to me.  I don't get to tell him.  He doesn't get to hear it.  We don't get to have a life together now.  Don't take that away from yourself.  Don't take that away from all the people who love you.

Inner Excavations...I Open My Heart...

Poor Inner Excavations...with all the shiny things that distracted me, I let this work fall to the wayside a bit.  But I did not forget it entirely...I just had to circle back...the long way around.  But here we are...

Chapter 6 in IE is called "I open my heart..." and deals with community and encourages collaboration with another artist(s).  Which are awesome things!  

I've said it before and will say it again...I would not be where I am if it weren't for all the dear friends I've been lucky enough to get to know because of the art journaling, through Facebook groups or here on the blog.  I love each and every one of you gals!  I wish I could smooch all your faces and give you gigantic real life hugs!  I can't say enough about the encouragement and wisdom I've received.  

I love art.  I love art journaling.  I like to think I would feel the same way even if nobody ever saw my work or cared about it or thought it was good...even if everyone else in the world thought art was stupid.  BUT I'm so glad that I've met people who share my love.

I think community encourages growth.  For me, the lovely friends I've met turn my head...you guys help me to look at things in a new way.  I can't count the number of times I've made something I thought was REALLY bad and shared it with you all and it never fails that someone will look at it and point to something about the piece that they liked.  It makes me look at my work with new eyes!  Or somebody will use colors I might not pick and it will turn out so wonderfully it makes me want to try those colors.  Or when someone finds a new technique or thinks of a really unique prompt and they share it...you guys get my wheels spinning all the time!  You give me a gentle push to try things that are a little out of my comfort zone...and that's a big part of progressing as an artist!

So with that in mind, here is what I made for this chapter's spread:

Look at all the fun stuff!

For this, I used a lot of goodies from care packages I've been lucky enough to receive.  I also used some ephemera that I had in my (not so) little box of random stuff.

The clover image is a tag made by my friend Jana.  The crackling I did on it by covering it in UTEE and then cracking the UTEE coating.  The scarf on the lady is also from Jana, it's a piece of a tea bag.  The cool envelopes are from Anna (even though on the black ones I just used them flat and not folded up like envelopes...) I love the map one!  Anna also gave me the washi tape (except the polka dot one and the birds on wire...they're from my stash) and the big number ones.  The picture in the middle with the stones on it is from Laura, as well as the orange bus pass.  And then the blue dress in the bottom right of the picture is from my Pamikins.

On this side, there are things from my friend Rose (that 7, which I adore!) and my friend Rachel (the chevron paper and the green sparkly flourish and (I think) the yellow tickets) and my friend Christina (the sheet music, and the two die cuts that look like plants).  And the sequin waste stencil in the background was from my friend Jackie and my sister Marian!  

The thing I really like about this spread is that it reminds me so much of my friends!  The bright colors of the background remind me of my friend Boo...she likes bright colors.  The face in the middle I made during the 29 Faces challenge, so when I see it I think of all the new people I got to meet by participating.  The collage aspect reminds me of others friends I know who have collage work as a special talent.  And then all the bits and pieces were sent to me by my friends and fellow artists!  The more I look at this spread, the more I love it!  All those interesting pieces "shouldn't" go together, but somehow they work together to make a cool image.  I like that you can look at the spread as one piece, or that you can look at each individual element and it's interesting either way!  And this spread made me realize that I like collage...as long as I don't have to cut out the pieces!

Viewpoints

So last post (the extra talky one) I mentioned that I had some art to share, and so here's one of the things I did during my 12 day blogging hiatus:

"Try looking at it another way..."

Of course, she is in my beloved Gregg journal, stuck in the page with some scrapbook paper bits and some washi tape.  You will be surprised (I am!) that I actually like how the writing on this page looks...that NEVER happens!  I don't know why I like it...I just do.

I got the line for this page from James and the Giant Peach...I'll admit it: the movie version.  I don't know that I've ever actually read the book!  That seems an awful shame too, because I think of it as a classic kids book.  And I LOVE kids books!  If you've never seen the movie version, though, it's worth a viewing, even for an adult with no kids.  It's a little naughty, but my favorite part of the movie is when the grasshopper and the centipede get into a fight and the grasshopper says "You, sir, are an ass!"  I'm giggling even now thinking about it...

Anywho, even though I love that line "Try looking at it another way..." and I think it's very good advice, it doesn't really apply to this piece.  I like her quite a lot upside down, which is how I added her to the book.  But if you turn her the other way, I don't like her nearly as much!

See what I mean:

I think if you look at her this way she looks like a creepy version of Julie Andrews.  It must be that haircut...

I do really like her pose though...head all the way back staring up at you like she is.  It's different than what I've done before with faces.  

After 29 Faces was over, I thought I was ready for something other than a face/line drawing...and I was...for a whole five days!  Actually, I didn't do any art for that whole five days, so I guess I was just a little burnt out on all things artistic...for those five days.

I did get the book Creating Art at the Speed of Life that I had the giveaway for, and I've been enjoying looking at it and doing the first couple lessons in it.  It's pretty interesting.  I like how it is set up, teaching a lesson (the first few are on color and that's what I've done so far) and then asking you to evaluate your own work.  I'm a big fan of realistic self-critique (e.g.- seeing what needs improvement without overlooking the good), so it's one of the things I like about this book.  I'm not very far into it yet, but I have enjoyed what I've done and I've learned things even in the first lessons.  Here's the link for the book if you want to check it out:

As far as recent art, I'm actually still not being very prolific.  I've been doing a little hooky hooky with crochet and a tiny bit of artsy fartsy, but more often, I've been cleaning.  I KNOW!!!  Gross.  I don't know why, but when the urge hits, I gotta go with it...because it comes so seldom.  And of course, I've been having fun with Fusco the drop-off wonder dog.  He's an interesting character for sure.  I am still working on my pieces for my friend Anna, who I'm sure thinks I'm the most procrastinating procrastinator EVER!  Soon, my Anna, so soon!!!

And on that note, I'm off to take Fusco for a walk and come back and work on Anna's pieces some more.  Until next time, my darlings...