Yikes...that's all I can say: yikes. Sorry for me being so glum, my chums!
I know that being sad/angry/upset/etc. is a part of life and all that, but I don't like to let myself get too far down before I try to pick myself up again. Like I mentioned: especially not without a good reason for being that way.
I'm feeling a lot better today/woke up on the good side of the bed this morning...so yay for that! I don't know what happened exactly, but I've got the feeling of freedom flying around in my brain this morning...I feel weightless and sunny again. I like these feelings much better!
I do know that a big part of the reason I feel better was from the comments you all were loving enough to say...you really do make me so happy...
Another part of it was identifying some of what was bothering me. Even if the reasons I had for feeling blue were 'small' in my eyes, I much prefer those small reasons to having no reasons at all! So long as there's a reason why, I can do something to change things! When I don't know what's wrong, I don't know what to change...that's pretty stinky! So I'm rather glad for reasons, even if they are small ones...
Another part of me feeling better was doing some more work with Gregg. (He really is like a boyfriend, Boo! Haha!) I decided to use my 'blue' heart from yesterday, but make it be a happier thought instead of using it how I originally said:
|It goes without saying...but I'm going to say it anyway, of course...that I LOVE Gregg.|
This is so much happier than the idea I started out with! And I got to use some of my happy mail stash in this spread, which just adds to the happiness of it all! The blue doily on the left page is from lovely Laura E. Thank you Laura! I was so surprised and excited to receive the care package you sent! (Big squishes for you, my friend!)
|"I've come so far. Mostly good happens. But it's ok to have bad days, so long as you know that doesn't equal a bad life at all. THE PLAN is to always remember that my precious heart is so much more than blue. Three steps forward, two steps back is still moving forward...dance your dance, kiddo." I'm so happy Gregg had "THE PLAN" in him and I could leave it showing through! I really like the white on the dark blue...it kind of reminds me of tribal tattoos...and I really like that too!!!|
|So, I did use my 'blue' heart, but in a way that reminds me it's not only blue. I love that arrow washi tape! I put it in to remind me that there are ups and downs and ins and outs, and that's what makes me know I'm alive!|
When I first started doing this spread, I was only going to have the middle writing on the blue page (THE PLAN part), but I was listening to this song when I was working:
And I got that line "I was so afraid that I'd come so far." stuck in my head, and I had to add it on the page too. I was thinking how true it was for me.
I think, aside from all the things I mentioned before, part of my problem was that I've been looking around...and I really have come a long way. I look back at my posts from when I was just starting to blog, not so very long ago at all, and I can see such a vast difference between where I am now and where I was then...artistically, yes...but even more so emotionally...such gigantic changes. And that's such a good thing, I know! But some little thing in my head looked up finally and realized...I'm in unknown territory! As happy, happy as I am to be here...it's a little scary too! Sometimes I find myself thinking "that's what old you would do...what are YOU going to do?" It's kind of a weird way to think about it, but all those same old mistakes I kept making...I knew what the results were going to be. Now that I am not letting myself repeat old mistakes, I'm bound to make new ones...and new mistakes are bound to have surprising results! Whatever that little thing in my head is...the one that suddenly looked up and saw that we're not in Kansas anymore...that little thing is kind of freaked out!
So to sooth the little thing in my head, I had to remind myself that this is just one big dance...three steps forward, two steps back. I make enough progress (three steps forward) to realize that I want to make changes in another area (two steps back)...but that's still forward progress! "Dance your dance, kiddo." That's so that I remember all the steps, forward or back, are part of what makes my life beautiful and what makes me who I am. After all, I can't just march across the stage...that's a little too Hitler-ish for me.
Everyday, I think of new ways to improve myself...to make changes I want to make...ones that will get me inline with my personal inner compass. I don't know what the end destination is just yet. I only know that when my compass says a little to the left or a little to the right, I'm going to dance in that direction...I guess I don't march to the beat of my own drummer...I groove to it!
It took a couple blue-tinged days, the help of my dear friends, and working in Gregg but I realized that I am dancing along quite nicely, and that's exactly what I want to be doing.