Til I Shine

So late in posting tonight!  I blame overtime at work...hooray for the money, boo.hiss.hiss. for taking time away from me that I reserve for art!  Seeing how, including this post, I'm only 3 days away from posting every day in December, I wasn't going to let the lateness of the hour deter me!

Down to brass tacks then...

I found this song, "Calvary Cross" by Richard Thompson:

It happened by accident the other day while searching for a different song....but it stuck in my head and I've been listening to it a good bit.

Contrary to what it may sound like, this song is not religious...it's actually talking about creative inspiration!

The part that struck a chord with me is talking about putting the effort into learning your craft...working hard in order to improve, and I liked it so much I wanted to put the lyrics in a page:

"Scrub me til I shine in the dark."

I was thinking about how sometimes our dissatisfaction with our art (or our lives in general for that matter) is the factor that motivates us to try to change.  But it's not always the case.  We can be dissatisfied and do nothing about it...just wallow in it.

The scrubbing only happens when we start to work against the thing that we find distasteful.  If we don't push against that abrasive feeling we have about something, then we'll never get polished up and pretty, you know?

That gelly roll  pen worked surprisingly well on the kraft paper!  I see more of the white on kraft in my future!

I think one of the best ways to use the abrasion of dissatisfaction is when you let it be a motivator to try something different...to experiment with something you've never tried before.  It can be a hideous mess, or it can turn out to be something totally awesome...but either way, stepping outside the familiar in some small way seems to always lead to the discovery of something good...maybe not the first or second time, but somewhere down the line, bad will lead to bad will lead to bad will lead to good...and that's a result that makes continued effort worthwhile.

I hope that in the new year some of the things that have been abrading me for a while will finally have polished me to the point of shining.

A Happier Place

I've got a bunch of stuff to share this time.  

First, I'm going to share my Journal 52 (J52) page from last week.  The prompt was to "make a page that's all about time" and here's what I did:

"over time"

I got the inspiration for this page from this song, "Over Time" by Lucinda Williams (you may want to turn down your speakers, btw, because the tremolo on this song is pretty loud):

I had some sad-sackery insights into this page and song and was going to get all philosophical and blah, blah, blah...but then I stopped myself.

I've been on a binge of depressing stuff for WAY too long, and I'm going to try to pull myself out of that habit.  It gets old, you know?  

So I'm sorry for the long term wiener-ness that's been happening on the blog and let's try to have a binge of good stuff for a while, ok? :)

For this week's Documented Life (DLP) the prompt was to "use a white pen prominently on your page" and here's what I did:

The right page is actually a dark purple, but for some reason it's showing up funky...I don't know why...camera user error is my best guess...

This spread was a little bit of a battle for me.  I had done something else completely, but the pages sucked up the white pen and it was really faint in the end.  I decided to start over and painted over everything with acrylic paint.  I like it much better now.

I love the way the background shows through the paint on this and that the previous layer picked up too!

On the left page especially, you can see parts of the original stuff I had done (and the SmashBook image, a rotary phone, comes through as well)...I think that's pretty neat.  And I like the way the blue and orange set each other off so well...oh complimentary colors, you are making my day!

"Don't you know yet?  It is your light that lights the world." - Rumi

I saw that quote on Pinterest (where else?) and thought it was a good one to use with the white pen on dark backgrounds.  

Wouldn't that be such a nice thing to have someone say to you?  "Don't you know yet?"  I like that...  Sometimes we don't see our own good things...but someone out there does.  The "yet" gets me right in the feels, because he's saying 'one day you'll see it too'...that's such a nice thought!

And finally, this week's J52 prompt, "Create a page that has a lot of texture":

I was inspired by the fortune cookie fortune I got on Friday: "Now is a good time to explore the nearest coastline."

Can I just tell you how very stinking happy this piece makes me?  Cause OOH BABY!!!  I love looking at it!  Seriously, like running around the house holding it above my head going "TRA-LA-LA" because I love it that much!

Here are the textures I used (I tried to pack as many as I could into this one spread): crackle paint (thick layer for big cracks), coarse texture gel, glitter glue (cheapie kind) and Stickles  for the sand textures, gloss gel medium  (tinted and not tinted) and acrylic paint with micro beads added to it for the water, THIS aluminum foil technique for the palm tree trunk (I used brown paint instead of black), book pages, handmade paper, and crackle paint (thin layer for smaller cracks) for the palm leaves, and Crackle Accents, Enamel Accents (the black holes) and Souffle Pen (white accents on the holes) for the coconuts.

Be impressed because I cut all the shapes out freehand, and if you know me, you know how much I don't care for snipping! :)

I like it so much I have to show you two pictures, because this one shows better just how shiny the water is...ooh  I can't stand how much I like this!

I did this piece on Grungepaper (from Tim Holtz/Ranger).  The dimensions of it is 12x6, and so it's a weird shape compared to the rest of my J52 pages...it kind of makes me love it more...

On a side note, I don't know if anybody else is familiar with Grungepaper, but if you know of any technique tutorials using it, would you pass them along my way?  It's got such a strange feel to it that I'm not super sure how to work with it...it's not like paper, it's not like chip board, it's not like cardboard...it's strange stuff!  I'm at a loss as to how to use it in the 'intended' way...

At the end of this month, my mom and I are going to the beach for four days away, and I am so excited and ready to go!  I've been looking forward to this trip since last year!  And now it's just a few short weeks away and I am in kid-going-to-Disneyland mode...aka I wake up at 4 AM going "Is it today? Is it today? How much longer? Are we there yet?"  

It's probably a big part of the reason I like this spread so much...it reminds me of the beachy goodness just around the corner...even though there are no coconut palms where we are going (they have Palmetto palms...which are very short and a little anti-climactic if you are expecting the big tall palms)!  Coconuts or not, I'm ready for the beach to go!!!

Dive In

I am luxuriating in the throws of a wonderful four day weekend.  Oh dear goodness, how completely intoxicating and fabulous it has been.  Revel in the glory with me, my darlings...

With very few interruptions, I have been arting like a maniac/addict, staying up till the wee hours of the morning and getting my fix.  So yay for that, right!?!  This morning I woke up and realized it was Saturday, with only one more day left till I have to go back to work, and immediately screamed a mental "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" and then a less mental/hushed whisper version (due to sleeping dog and husband...because you should let both sleeping dogs and sleeping husbands lie...it's the only way to get ANY peace...).  

I'm going to enjoy today and tomorrow, and then first thing Monday morning start my countdown to Christmas...because I have an entire week off work, thanks to strategic planning/day off using.  I had actually worked out two weeks of vacation using only a few days of vacation time, but the unplanned hospital stay earlier this year blew those plans out of the water.  Boo.Hiss.Hiss.  However, I am COMPLETELY thrilled to have (including the weekends) 9 days off of work while still getting paid!  I've only ever had one other job where I got paid vacation (when I was 19 and that was 11 years ago!) before this one, so I totally dance a jig every time I turn in for time off.  It's true...seriously...my boss had to get used to that...I don't think she quite knew what to do the first time I asked for vacation...honestly she looked a little scared...because of my jig dancing...

I have been having a great time making art while watching "The Vicar of Dibley" on Netflix.  It's a pretty good show...I finished it in two days.  I love comedy + English people...hilarious.  If you like stuff like that, you should also watch "Black Books" (also a series that you can find on Netflix)...SO FUNNY!  Now that I've finished both of those shows, I've got to find a replacement show to watch while arting...I started watching "Kingdom", which is a series with my darling Stephen Fry (who I love beyond words...he's fantastic), but they lost me in the later season...without giving it away to blatantly: he should have stayed gone...  I might have to revisit it and see if it was just a slow spot, because I do enjoy Stephen Fry very much...I will give him a second chance.  But if that doesn't work out, I'll be on the lookout for a new funny show that features people with English accents...I will also take Irish, Scottish, Australian, and several other accents in lieu of English ones...as long as the show is funny...

So right, the art stuff...I have these two spiral bound journals...the first journals I ever bought for art...before I knew what I was doing.  Paper-wise, I mean...I still don't know what I'm doing in a lot of other things...  They've been with me for quite some time, and I've made it my goal to finish them completely.  I work in an obscene amount of journals and various other surfaces too...I think I talked about that before.  Anyway, despite the fact that I art it up everyday, I haven't finished a journal yet...not one single journal!  Instead, I keep starting out in new ones if I want to work in a journal and don't have a current one that's not busy drying...we will not talk about the number of journals/paper that I have sitting there waiting on me.  Let's just say I like to be prepared...and that if they ever stop making paper, I'll have enough for me, you and three other people...for the rest of our lives...and possibly the lives of any children you may have...CRAZY!

Anyway, I don't like the paper in these original art journals of mine, but I don't want to waste them, so I've made it my goal to use them up as quickly as I can while still maintaining my personal standards.  ...which means covering over some of the pages (where I was practicing calligraphy...very badly...) with paper or gesso or whatever and making some kind of art on them that I can be content with.  And since I'm running low on store bought gesso, it's also the perfect opportunity to try various homemade gesso recipes.  I'm multi-tasking big time!

So I give you one of the pages I've been working on during the artfest that has been the past few days:

"Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss." - F Scott Fitzgerald
So dive on in.
Can you see the calligraphy practice peaking through at the bottom?  

And, non-related to the art journal page...or related as an afterthought I guess I should say...here's an awesome song to listen to (Dive In - Quarashi  ...no swear words in this song, so ignore the parental advisory...be a rebel...) :

F. Scott certainly gave me something to think about when I found that quote of his:  "Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss."  Ugh...shut up with your accuracy...

All my life, I've played it safe and I've done the 'right' thing.  It hasn't worked out so well for me...aside from avoiding STDs and heroin...that's worked out well pretty well actually...  But apart from that, there's been so many opportunities I've missed...and they've turned into gigantic regrets.  And while I can't change the past, I can learn from it.

I've been thinking recently about how the technically 'right' thing...might not be the right thing for me.  And how, if you always play it safe, there are very slim chances that something amazing will happen.  You have to take a risk sometimes.

I'm a cautious person...an over-analyzer.  I think I've heard my mom say "Don't do that, you'll get hurt" less than any other child in the history of ever.  Something in me already knew not to do potentially dangerous things, so I never even attempted them.  I've done the 'right' thing even when it was the absolute last thing I wanted to do.  But (aside from the STD/heroin thing), there hasn't been a great deal of reward coming my way.  I've played at happy for a long time without actually being happy.

I thought I was being content.  Being content is not a bad thing...because you'll never have perfect anything in this life...or not for long...  But I haven't been content.  I've been settling.  And that's somehow become very sad to me.  I have had a lot of 'worse' in my life.  You know, when you say "It could be worse"...well, I've had that 'worse'.  So when I say I settle with my current life, it's because I know it really could be much worse.  I've always thought about it that way.

But the truth is, it could be better.  I don't mean I could win the lottery and buy all the things I've ever wanted and live happily ever after and blah, blah, blah. (Although that would be nice...just saying...)  What I mean is that I could be happy.  Truly happy.  I could wake up in the morning, jump out of bed and be SO READY to start the day with a genuine smile on my face.

I don't want my life to be defined by missed opportunities ever again.

I feel a little like I am standing on the edge of a pool.  I've been watching other people swimming and splashing and having fun.  I've been dipping my toe in for a while...testing the water...being a little afraid that I might drown.  But I know how to swim...I know how to keep my head above water.  I'm tired of testing.  I'm ready to dive in.

Foxy

I wrote this post last night, and thought I hit publish...but in a sleepiness-induced haze, I apparently hit save instead...so hopefully it will still count as yesterday's post and I've got one more chance to win the class seat!  Anyway, here's the post:

This is the last post for the Blogalong with Effy.  I had a lot of...incidentals...come up, and I wasn't able to achieve all 30 posts in 30 days...BUT I did post a lot more than I would have if I hadn't committed to try.  So YAY!  I've thought about the fact that September has 30 days, so I may undertake my very own version of 30 posts in 30 days and try again...it can only contribute to me being a little more consistent in my posting, right?  I kind of like that I live in a world of infinite do-overs...

And because I am a glutton for challenges, I am REALLY excited about this (If I did it right, you should be able to click on the picture and it will take you to the site...If I did it right...if not, I know the button in the sidebar to the right does work...):

It combines my INTENSE OBSESSION with faces and my love of challenges I will probably fail at! (Haha!)  Seriously though, I am super excited about getting all that face practice in...so even if I don't manage to make 29 faces, I'll still be happy I got the face practice in!  And since it happens to coincide with my do-over 30 posts in 30 days, be prepared for lots of face related art posting in September...

In the meantime, here is what I got done today:

"Perhaps that sly fox had not come to steal her heart away."

Yes, another page in Gregg...I am really liking Gregg so much...not that you can tell... *eye roll*  His beautiful journal-y self makes me ridiculously happy...  This anthropomorphic fox also makes me happy.  Big words like 'anthropomorphic' also make me happy.  Not having to work at my day job for the next three days makes me VERY happy!

I'm saying goodnight at a happiness high!  Happy squishes for you all!!!

More Than Blue

Yikes...that's all I can say: yikes.  Sorry for me being so glum, my chums!  

I know that being sad/angry/upset/etc. is a part of life and all that, but I don't like to let myself get too far down before I try to pick myself up again.  Like I mentioned: especially not without a good reason for being that way.  

I'm feeling a lot better today/woke up on the good side of the bed this morning...so yay for that!  I don't know what happened exactly, but I've got the feeling of freedom flying around in my brain this morning...I feel weightless and sunny again.  I like these feelings much better!  

I do know that a big part of the reason I feel better was from the comments you all were loving enough to say...you really do make me so happy...

Another part of it was identifying some of what was bothering me.  Even if the reasons I had for feeling blue were 'small' in my eyes, I much prefer those small reasons to having no reasons at all!  So long as there's a reason why, I can do something to change things!  When I don't know what's wrong, I don't know what to change...that's pretty stinky!  So I'm rather glad for reasons, even if they are small ones...  

Another part of me feeling better was doing some more work with Gregg.  (He really is like a boyfriend, Boo! Haha!)   I decided to use my 'blue' heart from yesterday, but make it be a happier thought instead of using it how I originally said:

It goes without saying...but I'm going to say it anyway, of course...that I LOVE Gregg.

This is so much happier than the idea I started out with!  And I got to use some of my happy mail stash in this spread, which just adds to the happiness of it all!  The blue doily on the left page is from lovely Laura E.  Thank you Laura!  I was so surprised and excited to receive the care package you sent!  (Big squishes for you, my friend!)

"I've come so far.  Mostly good happens.  But it's ok to have bad days, so long as you know that doesn't equal a bad life at all.  THE PLAN is to always remember that my precious heart is so much more than blue.  Three steps forward, two steps back is still moving forward...dance your dance, kiddo."  I'm so happy Gregg had "THE PLAN" in him and I could leave it showing through!  I really like the white on the dark blue...it kind of reminds me of tribal tattoos...and I really like that too!!!

So, I did use my 'blue' heart, but in a way that reminds me it's not only blue.  I love that arrow washi tape!  I put it in to remind me that there are ups and downs and ins and outs, and that's what makes me know I'm alive!  

When I first started doing this spread, I was only going to have the middle writing on the blue page (THE PLAN part), but I was listening to this song when I was working:

And I got that line "I was so afraid that I'd come so far." stuck in my head, and I had to add it on the page too.  I was thinking how true it was for me.

I think, aside from all the things I mentioned before, part of my problem was that I've been looking around...and I really have come a long way.  I look back at my posts from when I was just starting to blog, not so very long ago at all, and I can see such a vast difference between where I am now and where I was then...artistically, yes...but even more so emotionally...such gigantic changes.   And that's such a good thing, I know!  But some little thing in my head looked up finally and realized...I'm in unknown territory!  As happy, happy as I am to be here...it's a little scary too!  Sometimes I find myself thinking "that's what old you would do...what are YOU going to do?"  It's kind of a weird way to think about it, but all those same old mistakes I kept making...I knew what the results were going to be.  Now that I am not letting myself repeat old mistakes, I'm bound to make new ones...and new mistakes are bound to have surprising results!  Whatever that little thing in my head is...the one that suddenly looked up and saw that we're not in Kansas anymore...that little thing is kind of freaked out!

So to sooth the little thing in my head, I had to remind myself that this is just one big dance...three steps forward, two steps back.  I make enough progress (three steps forward) to realize that I want to make changes in another area (two steps back)...but that's still forward progress!  "Dance your dance, kiddo."  That's so that I remember all the steps, forward or back, are part of what makes my life beautiful and what makes me who I am.  After all, I can't just march across the stage...that's a little too Hitler-ish for me.

Everyday, I think of new ways to improve myself...to make changes I want to make...ones that will get me inline with my personal inner compass.  I don't know what the end destination is just yet.  I only know that when my compass says a little to the left or a little to the right, I'm going to dance in that direction...I guess I don't march to the beat of my own drummer...I groove to it!

It took a couple blue-tinged days, the help of my dear friends, and working in Gregg but I  realized that I am dancing along quite nicely, and that's exactly what I want to be doing.