Coloring Books and Gray Areas

Today I've got two spreads to share with you.

The first one is for WEEK 10-COLORING BOOK INSPIRATION:

"Whether we color outside of them, blur them, or draw our own, it would probably be wise to keep in mind that every once in a while, they're there for a really, really good reason."  I love, love, LOVE that stamp set!

And then there's this one, for WEEK 11'S "JUST WRITE" PROMPT:

"I just wish I could remember how not to hate the gray areas and the ever-present in-betweens."

My spreads look as blah as I feel...  I don't know what happened.  I must be overly tired.  Sometimes when I'm sleep deprived, I get these super creepy thoughts that I can't shake, and it makes me get a sick stomach...that's what happened last night.  

When I was younger, I did not mind the unsettled, slightly chaotic feelings of things changing.  

The older I get though, the more I hate that feeling of waiting to see what happens...I wish I could fast-forward through it and get to the settled part a little more quickly.

But I don't want to be like that...wishing huge chunks of my life away because of the small discomfort of shifting around.  I want to remember how those times are exciting because anything could happen...not the current pessimistic view that causes me to doubt that anything good will come of it all.  

How do I get back to feeling like life was an adventure to be had, not a punishment to be endured?  I don't always feel like that...not always...but when I do, it seems to want to stick with me and cast a fog over everything.  And then there I am again, wishing away pieces of time...a bitter cycle.

Oh well.  I know from experience that, as quickly as it came on, the haze of depressing thoughts will lift away again, leaving me with a brighter sky and a little more hope.  Until then, I will just muddle through as good as I can.

In Our Own Way

My sweet friend JACKIE (AKA MY HONEY) nominated me to participate in a little challenge, where you share pictures of some of your older art.

This has proven to be a little difficult for me, because I've only been sincerely arting it up for a few years...and shared 99.9% of my art here on the blog...so you've probably already seen it!

And then I wondered if I've ever shown the canvases I did in the past...and I think the answer is no, so here you go:

I copied this mermaid from something I saw on Pinterest...so long ago I have no idea who's work it was, so I apologize!  I was really pleased over how she turned out at the time...now I see all kinds of things I coulda/shoulda/woulda done differently.  I guess it just goes to show that I've gotten to be a better artist over time!

This girl is the same way...all the stuff I learned between then and now is calling my name!  I do still enjoy her hair (which is scrapbook paper!) and I still find her mouth to be saucy and happy-making!  Also, I just noticed that dry erase board underneath the canvas says November...I just looked over at it...it actually says November 2012...clearly I don't use that dry erase board as much as I once thought I would...

The background on this one was my favorite...and the sentiment is one that I stick by too!  I used alcohol inks to make the background on all these canvases and this one looked like plaid to me and made me very happy!

All three of these canvases are hanging on the wall in my studio...they remind me of how far I've come in my art!  Even my lettering skills have improved since then, despite the fact that I've not really practiced it like I claimed I would (and keep claiming!)...this must support my theory that any kind of art practice improves your art over all...so I may not have been practicing lettering, but I was fiendishly practicing other things and better lettering was a happy byproduct!

Before taking up art/art journaling, I was creative in other ways.

Like sewing:

Made for my nephew Michael, from a Simplicity pattern.

Made up my own pattern for her!

Made from a pattern from a book called Wee Wonderfuls, which is a FANTASTIC book on soft toy making!  

I also embroidered:

Elephant, from a pattern

From my imagination

Crocheted:

Actually, I crocheted A LOT...this was from a pattern from LUCY AT ATTIC24...at one point, crochet was like art journaling is for me now and I was quite the little busy hooker! (haha)

And I did dabble in painting as well...just not the journaling kind:

He's a magnet...he still makes me laugh every time I look at him!

And this is Stanley, my Mom's "gentleman caller"...also hilarious, in my opinion...

I was thinking about all my past arting and crafting as I worked on this week's JOURNAL 52 spread.  (The prompt is "Silhouettes".)

I decided to use some of my MANY stamps that I never use...

While I've not always been an art journaler, I have always been a creative person.  My sister and I used to joke that I was "a craft acquiring junkie"...if I saw it and liked it, I had to try it...HAD TO.

I love those little stamp gals...so cute!  I went over the stamp lines in black marker to darken them and to give them a more 'drawn' look...it's a great way to cheat if you're not good at drawing, plus tracing things will help your hand get the feel of drawing, which will help you be a better draw-er...it sounds crazy, but it's true!

Now I think I must have just been searching for the right thing for me.  Don't get me wrong,  I do tend to love all things creative...and there was a time that I thought making soft toys was my passion and that crochet was my one true talent...but when I started art journaling...OH BABY!  It's a whole different kettle of fish!

"We must all be beautiful in our own way."

But that doesn't mean those years spent on other creative endeavors were wasted...or that sewing or knitting or jewelry making or writing or any other creative act is any less artistic.  It only means that we can define art in many ways...and that they are equally valid and important.

When I look at my beginning art stuff, I cringe a little, because I can see so many flaws.  But, while I do see those glaring flaws in my work, I can say that those works are still beautiful in their own way. All those flaws led me to become better.  In a couple more years, I will look at my current work and hopefully be able to say that it too is flawed but led me to improve even further.  

Sometimes the beauty in our art is not in the outward appearance of it.  Sometimes the beauty comes from a hidden meaning only we know.  Sometimes it comes from the years of hard work it represents.  And sometimes it comes from the fact that we were brave enough to try something new.

So my spread today is meant to encourage myself (and hopefully you too!) to find the beauty in everything around me, especially when it's not readily evident.  

Such a Card - Rubber Dance Stamp Color Challenge

I may have turned over a new leaf...a new autumn leaf...

Bibi over at RUBBER DANCE ART STAMPS is hosting a monthly color challenge!  You know I'm a sucker for a challenge...and, to add even more excitement, she's giving away a grab bag of her beautiful stamps for the winner of the challenge!  So much fun!  The two conditions are to use stamps and the colors of the month.

This month's colors are classic autumn colors (you can read more about it HERE and enter the challenge yourself!).  Fall is my absolute, hands down favorite season, and the colors of fall really got me excited to play.

I am a guilty stamp hoarder, so I was extra happy to have a reason to pull out my stamps and sift through to find some autumnal goodness!

Going one step further from my comfort zone, I even decided to try my hand at making a card!  I have to thank my friend Boo for inspiring me to try.  She's the best!

Here's what I made:

Ooh...I'm so proud!

I used THIS tutorial to make my card.  The instructions were very clear and she gave the sizes for the paper cuts so that I didn't have to guess!

I've tried making cards before (a LONG time ago) and the results could only be called epic failure.  This time I'm really happy with the way my card turned out!  I'm giddy with pride!

Now that I made one card, I have this insane urge to go crazy and make a gazillion more!  Which could be a good thing considering the huge assortment of scrapbook paper I have.  Plus I'd use my stamps more...and I have embossing powder...and flocking...and...OhMyGoodness, I think I've lost whatever is left of my mind to the card-making muse!

Another bonus...I'll have to do something with the cards...so my mail art friends will have proof that I have not forgotten them!  

I'm going to go now...and make more cards supper like a responsible adult...and then more cards...

Who am I kidding...no one's eating supper in this house tonight... :)

The Things That Come Out of My Head...

The prompt for this week's Journal 52 page was "Party Animals".  You can read more about it HERE, but basically the prompt was to draw your favorite animal, or make up your own creature.

Seeing the awesome things that other people have done with human animal hybrid type things, I thought I would make something really cute...unfortunately, instead of cute, I accidentally painted this creepy, soul-stealing...I don't know what:

All I want to do is party and steal souls...and you're kind of acting like that makes me a terrible person...

It kind of worries me that this is what comes out of my head when I'm left to my own devises...

I don't hate her...despite her general creepiness...I just feel as though there needs to be another page done with a less creepy feel... I know that this same idea can be translated much less scarily, and I will be attempting that at some point.  On the positive side, I really like the bright colors that come I chose and the black background, which makes those colors even brighter...but also possibly adds to the creepy vibe.  I don't know, at the very least, she's original, right?

Also happening in my studio today, ironically enough, was today's Alternate Amy art:

"She was a little surprised."
I guess she saw the deer girl...

You can read the diary entry for today HERE, or just sit back and let this surprised girl take your mind off the creepy deer girl above.  

I was laughing at myself a little bit about the tag that has the stamped phrase on it.  I meant to do a rainbow tag...you know, ROY G BIV...Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet...instead what I ended up with was red, orange, green, purple, blue, and yellow...which my fellow fat kids will know as the colors in Post Fruity Pebbles (and if you're really good, you totally sang the colors out loud to the Fruity Pebbles theme song music...)  Curse my easily distracted brain! Hehehe...

 I am so very happy with this drawing.  I feel like I am progressing more and more with my artistic skills...although I have to admit that the deer girl is a bit of a disappointment...in my defense, she was much less creepy as a drawing...she didn't get that scary till I painted her.  But I wanted to draw a shocked/surprised face for today's Alt Amy spread, and I think that's definitely what the red headed girl portrays.  So yay!!!

  

Sometimes I wonder if I sound too...snooty woo woo look at me...when I say positive things about my work.  I don't mean it that way.  It's just that I've worked REALLY hard to get to the point I'm at, and it makes me so excited to see the effort paying off!  I don't have a whole lot of things going on in my life to be super proud about...the art stuff is really all I've got!  OK, art and double entendre/sexual innuendo...but my mom reads this blog, so I can't go there...hehehe...just kidding, Mom...  (She's totally going to fuss at me for saying that!)

Seriously, it is nice to be able to see progress...and to have something turn out on the page like I saw it in my head...that feels like a big accomplishment to me.   When I get done with one thing, I immediately start something new...I get super excited...I can't wait to see what the next thing I make will be like!  I wonder if that excitement will ever wear thin...but then I think, no, it can't, because there's always something new to try...always a different page to make...always another supply I've not used for a long time.  So hopefully, the happy feeling I get from arting it up will always stay with me...

I hope you too are always excited to make your own art...and almost as excited to come see what I make too!

She Knew It Was Time

"She knew it was time."

Here's the art from today's Alternate Amy entry.  You can read the fake journal post HERE, or just sit back and enjoy the art.

I drew the Dodo head for the 'put a bird on it' prompt from Journal 52, but ended up not using it in that spread...it's a good thing to hoard sometimes, isn't it?  I really like how he looks.

The black and white image of the lady (inside the frame) is some awesome art I found on Pinterest.  I don't know who the artist is, but I love it so much it's the wallpaper on my computer at work.  I don't know what it is about her, but I just find her completely enthralling!  The original is in color, making her even more lovely and melancholy than she appears above, but I printed off a bunch of copies in black and white by accident, and why waste...plus I think that might be the way I go with all of the 'other people's art' that gets added into the Alternate Amy journal...that way you'll know I didn't make it.  I'm pretty sure that thus far (except today) they have all been photographs that I've used but still black and white...so huzzah for that happening by pure accident... 

Thanks yet again to my art pals for the ephemera that has been sent to me, which has enabled me to make such fun collage spreads!  I am a general failure at collecting ephemera...it's a skill I really need to work on...  So, once again, my art friends save the day!  Thanks, you cutie pies! <3

Nobody Quite Like You

"He was a pleasant surprise."

Here's today's art from my Alternate Amy project.  You can read the fake journal entry HERE if you'd like, or just stay here and enjoy the art aspect of it.  :)

On a side note, I'd just like to say that I am feeling a little more comfortable with collages in the few days since starting this project.  I always thought my collages looked like someone vomited art supplies and ephemera onto a page...but I'm liking most of the ones that have happened in my Alternate Amy journal...ok, that bright one with the chicken tested my enthusiasm...but the others are pretty good, if I do say so myself!

I have to give credit where credit is due and say it's mostly thanks to Dina Wakely's book ART JOURNAL FREEDOM.  I bought it with Amazon gift cards I was given for Xmas at work...just a couple weeks ago...yeah, I hemmed and hawed over how to spend those gift cards like I've never hemmed and hawed over an Amazon purchase before in my life!

The book might not be for everybody (cause nothing EVER is!), but I am learning about composition like a maniac!  There's also really good (and well explained) information about using color in your art.  That's not been too much of an issue for me...I just grab whatever seems right at the time and slap it down...it works out most of the time (although there's been more than a few ugo's since I've been arting)...but I do like the idea of purposefully using color to convey feelings, so I will eventually circle back around to that information.  For right now, though, the composition side of it is really helpful to me and I think it's coming across in my collage attempts...so YAY for that, right?  ...at least I'm happier with them, so there's that...

Today's collage has bits from my friends Anna and Jackie, so thanks VERY MUCH, ladies, for the awesome goodies!  

Besides getting better at collage, I'm loving this project for making me use things I've hoarded forever...  My starting point for every page is me sifting through my boxes and bags of ephemera and telling myself "use what you wouldn't use"...that approach has been pretty successful so far!  I still like the art, it doesn't look like my normal stuff, and I'm using up ephemera that's just been sitting there gathering dust (and dog hair)...it's a win-win-win situation!

By Way of Explanation

The prompt for Documented Life Project (DL) this week is monochromatic.  You can read more about it  HERE.

Imitation being the most sincere form of flattery, I decided to try my hand at THIS awesome drawing that I found on Pinterest.  Sadly, the pin doesn't go to a site, so I can't credit the original artist...but if you know who it is, please let me know!  I would love to credit them...and see more of their work!

Anywho, here's my spread:

"Are you afraid?"

And a close up of the drawing (which was done in colored pencil):

Her pupils are a little wonky in this picture, but I didn't see it till I enlarged the picture to put in the blog post...then I promptly fixed it...  Even with wonky pupils, she still makes me SO proud...and now, with fixed pupils, extra proud...

First, allow me to just say: SQUEAL OF DELIGHT!  SQUEAL OF DELIGHT!  I am so extraordinarily happy with this sketch...I can't even tell you...I just love it.  *pats self on back*  *sigh of happiness*

Ok, I'm good now...

Also, I finally...FINALLY...got myself some frisket (also known as masking fluid)...and I am in LOVE!!!  I've been painting it down and peeling it off all day to get to know it better...it's so stinking awesome...I have a fine liner bottle coming in the mail, and I can hardly wait to play with it in that way!  I get a sick amusement out of rubbing the dried up boogery goobers off of the paper...like when you were a kid and put Elmer's glue on your hand just so you could peel it off...I know that I wasn't the only one doing that!  This is like the adult version of that, but, at the end, instead of getting a dried glue hand print to throw in the trash, you get awesome art!  YAY!  

I did the "Are you afraid?" in today's DL spread with the frisket and Dylusions spray inks, first spraying down some Dylusions in blue hues, letting it dry, applying the frisket and letting it dry, and then spraying it with black Dylusions and letting it dry (seeing a pattern?) and, at last, rubbing the boogery frisket away to reveal the awesomeness underneath.

The idea for this spread came into my mind because of my "Alternate Amy" project.

For those that don't know about it, I'm doing a fake journal about what my life could have been like if I had not lost someone I loved very much to suicide.  (There's a link to the most recent entry farther down in this post.)  I'm writing out diary style posts and making an art journal spread to go along with each entry...doing all of it as though it was three years ago, before my loved one killed himself.

I originally started art journaling as a way to work through my grief.  Ok...that's not exactly true...  At first, I just thought it might be a way to take my mind off of what had happened...even just for a minute.  I needed to find something I hadn't done before...something I would have to concentrate on.  In other words, I was looking for an escape...but then I found out what a relief art journaling was.  I could put things down on the page and leave them there.  I inadvertently found a way to work through the grief...and then, slowly, I found out that I could work on myself as well.  I learned who I am and have been able to move forward in ways I never thought were possible.

And so when I was thinking about doing the fake journal (what I call the Alternate Amy project), I was leery.  I worried that I might be going backwards.  I only recently got some kind of a handle on what had happened.  I just finished working through obsession with the situation...realizing I was obsessed and that it wasn't healthy and taking steps to change that.  And here I was wanting to make a whole journal dedicated to him.  That seems like it should be a red flag, right?  I thought long and hard about it.  And I came to the conclusion that this is not about being obsessed.  

Next month is the anniversary of his death.  At this time of year, it's hard not to think about it...but it's not the only thing I think about.  Right now, in this moment, I need a way to honor him.  To show that he was important to me.  That I loved him and I still love him.  This project is my way of thanking him for all the things he gave me while he was here.

Life goes on, and that's a hard thing to deal with at times.  In order to live my life, I have to continue without him.  But, just because I move forward, that doesn't mean that I will ever forget who he was.  I know what he started inside of me...how much he affected my life when he was still here.  And I know that I wouldn't be at the place I'm at now if it weren't for him.  That's a huge part to play in someone's life, and it deserves to be recognized.

Everything that I do on this blog is because of him.  I've done the best I can to be the best person I can  without him in my life.  I'm proud of who I've become...I've come so far.  Alternate Amy, the fake journal, that's the person I might have been if he was still in my life...in the best scenario.  The only way I can think of to honor him is to show how much farther I might be if he were still here.

And on that note, I give you the art for today's Alternate Amy entry:

"She wondered if he remembered."

You can read the journal entry HERE if you would like.  

I hope that today's post explains my mindset a little, and helps you to understand why Alternate Amy is such an important project to me.  I hope that you will follow along and see what happens in that other place, where I still have him in my life.  And I hope that, as always, my work will inspire you in some way in your own creative endeavors.  I think that if I can inspire another person, even in a small way, then I pay forward the good things that were given to me.  And that is the best way I can think of to honor the person who gave them to me in the first place.

Alternate Amy's First Journal Entry

I just finished writing the first post over at my fake journal blog, which you can read HERE, if you are interested...if not, please enjoy the art that I made to go along with the entry.

On a side note, how hot was Paul Newman?  Yowza!

Additional side note: isn't that girl silhouette the COOLEST?  My older sister sent me some a long time ago.  Her local library has a die cutting machine that you can use if you bring your own paper...how jealous am I?  (Answer: SUPER jealous!)

I Meant To Say...And I Fixed It"

I'm so super excited about my page for this week's Journal 52 prompt!  (You can read more about J52 HERE.)  The prompt was 'Love Letters', and I think I diverged from my routine a little bit on this one, and I REALLY like the result so much:

"You are all the words I meant to say but couldn't scribble them down before they slipped away."

In the beginning I struggled a little with what I wanted to put on the page...and then it hit me.  One of my goals for this year is to work on my hand lettering...and I thought that this was the perfect opportunity to practice...I mean, love letters...c'mon!

Because I am not the best with lettering, I used a piece of manila card stock to write out my quote (which is from a poem I wrote that can be found HERE if you want to read the whole thing).  It came out just right the first time!  ...I couldn't believe it either...  I wanted to make the paper look aged and like it had been read over and over...I got a little out of control with the Vintage Photo Distress Stain though, so the whole page is now brown...but that's ok, you can still read it!  I crumpled it up (after deliberating for a long time, because the writing was pretty good...for my skill level...but if you can make it once you can make it again, right?) and then used stamp pads to hit the high spots and make them stand out more.

Then on the watercolor paper (I've been using this as a base for all my J52 pages so far...and a lot of my other pages too...), I decided to pull out my Dylusions and used Vibrant Turquoise and White Linen colors mixed together.  An interesting thing happened...a happy accident, really.  I had sprayed the Turquoise first in a few spots and was going to spray the white into it right away, but had to go take the dog out (he insisted) and when I came back to the page, the turquoise had dried a lot.  But I figured they were water-soluble so they should still work, right?  And I sprayed the white over top.  What happened was these really cool areas where the turquoise sunk into the page and turned this grungy weird color...  I was a little disappointed at first, so I tried to cover it with more turquoise and white mixed and then dripped water in a few places...and it ended up being really cool and vintage looking.  I could never have figured that out if I was trying to do it on purpose!

When that dried, I stamped  all over the page using brown Stayzon ink and a stamp from Hero Arts called "La Letter"...and it was looking good!  Then I thought, what if I try to make it look older with some stamp pads (I mean, the ink box was already open...I HAD to!), and this time it happened like I wanted...(note to self: use stamp pads, not distress stain, for aging purposes).  

Then I wondered if I could make coffee cup stains on the page.  First I used Neocolor II's and they didn't give the effect I wanted...I almost thought I had ruined the page...so then I tried using brown India ink, drawing circles with a pipette to do it.  That was more of the look I was going for.  It didn't end up exactly how I wanted it to, but it has me going in the right direction, and with a little more practice, I think I can eventually get a really cool coffee cup stain.  But, even though it doesn't look like a coffee cup stain to me, it does look pretty cool!  When everything was dry, I took foam tape and stacked some pieces on top of each other in different thicknesses to attach the writing page to the background page.  I wanted it to look like somebody had just laid the note down and was coming back for it any minute...and it totally looks like that to me!!!  (Can you tell I'm excited by this page?)

Also, related to J52, I used a suggestion by my friend Pamikins to make some changes to one of last week's pages for the 'Abstract' prompt (it's SO much better now!):

"completely without meaning"
Thanks to Pamikins for the suggestion of adding words to the 'middle school art project page'...I also added thicker black lines, and I like this page WAY better now than I did before...It's still out of my comfort zone, but with the darker lines and the words, I no longer hate it!  I kind of like it more and more every time I look at it.  Thanks, Pamikins! <3

And then, related to suggestions for page fixing, I used a suggestion by my friend Patricia to change this page from last week's Documented Life spread...it was a little thing, but it makes a big difference to me:

Thanks to Patricia for the suggestion of adding something to the middle of the flower...I couldn't think of anything else, so I just did splatters with white and green india inks.  That small change made a BIG difference to me...It looks finished to me now, and I think that's what I was looking for.  Thanks, Patricia! <3

And then, I got some fabulous mail art from my friend, Cheryl, (Thank you, my Cheryl!!!) that I kept forgetting to photograph!  I finally remembered and here she is:

"What is true beauty?"
I got a surprise card from my sweet friend Cheryl with one of her gorgeous faces on it!  I love her so much (both Cheryl and the face she sent)!!!  I like how she just colors in parts and leaves white space...it makes me so happy.  And I love this gal's lips!

I am so happy with my J52 page for this week.  Out of my usual, ended up accidentally learning a few cool things, and got to practice my letter skills!  I always talk about how much my handwriting looks like a 12 year old boy's...and I notice a lot of other people aren't fans of theirs either!  What about you?  Do you like your handwriting?  Do you think you can have bad handwriting skills, but be good at hand lettering?  (I hope you can...or else my dreams will be shattered! haha)

Weather

Find out more about KIOS HERE

The prompt for KIOS today is:

What's the weather like where you live today?

It was unseasonable warm today...it got up in the 60s, and it was sunny all day, despite the weather app on my phone insisting that there were supposed to be scattered showers.  I think I'd like to be a weather girl, because it's the only job I can think of where you can be wrong more than half the time and still not get fired.  

It's supposed to rain the rest of the week, but according to my phone (aka the LIAR) it's going to be 70 here tomorrow.  If that is true, I'm going to be annoyed, because it's DECEMBER!  That should mean sweater weather, not sweaty weather!  I want cold weather...waa!!!

Also in the forecast is creativity...but that's pretty much every day for me...

I'm still working on the bunny page from a couple days ago, but I did make this little washi tape bound book:

I have no idea what I'm going to use this for...but it was easy to make...

I made it out of a piece of  9x12 watercolor paper that I had collaged some bits of paper on, then stamped over...

I don't know what the deal was with the color scheme...it's not my usual fare, but it seems very cheerful, doesn't it?

I like the taped binding.  I've not done it before, and it was so simple that I may have to make up some more!  I love washi tape, but, egads, I wish it was stickier.  I cheated and used matte medium to glue the washi to the pages so that it would actually stick.  And I went over the whole book with clear gesso when I was done with it, just for added stability.  All in all, a cute and easy little project.

I'm so happy it was a short prompt today!  I spent FOREVER with yesterday's prompt (because I am a blabber mouth...) and didn't get to do hardly any art...so I'm chomping at the bit tonight.  

I'm off to work on the bunny page...maybe I'll have that done by tomorrow and be able to share it with you!  Till then, my friends...

How to Shoot Somebody Who Out-Drew You...Face 9 of 29

Face 9 of 29...  Here she is:

"Love is not a victory march..."

She's another page in Gregg.  I used my Letraset Aquamarkers for coloring her.  I do love these markers so much.  I really need to work with them more, just so I can showcase how amazing they really are.  I feel like I am not doing them justice.  

The line on the page is from this song (Hallelujah sung by Jeff Buckley):

I think this version is so beautiful, although Leonard Cohen...come on, he's just awesomesauce no matter what he does...but I thought I'd give Jeff Buckley a little love today.

I think my favorite line of the song is "All I ever learned from love is how to shoot somebody who out-drew you" (which is the post title), but I thought the girl looked more like the line "Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah."  She looks kind of pale and sickly and broken to me, so I stamped the 'victory march' line instead.

I don't know what's up with me and my bitter love pages of the past few days...poor-sighted cupid shooting random people without the care you'd expect him to take, the sad girl who's been shot by cupid and who knows her love is unrequited but needs to hear him say it, and now this sickly girl who feels love as cold and broken.  I'm sure there's some weird psychological explanation for it...most likely a terribly obvious one...although with psychology, one never knows...  

I think we'll need to change it up a bit for tomorrow's face, but who knows what will happen.  I try not to make plans because they rarely become realities.  I'm always much too excited by whatever shiny thing pops into my brain at the moment...and often times, even that doesn't quite show up on the page...my hand and my brain don't necessarily cooperate with each other as well as I'd like them to.  But my rebel hand has been surprising me with interesting things as of late, so I hate to squelch its ambitions...  All I can say is we'll see...

Inner Excavations Week Four

This week's chapter for Inner Excavations has been "I see me..." and deals with how we see ourselves verses how other people see us, as well as the whole 'body issues' thing.  

In a previous post, I showed the photo I used (of myself) as a basis for this painting, and it was fun for me to see what people's reactions were.  I've done this before in one of the Facebook groups I'm in too.  It's also happened to me at my job, where I talk to people extensively on the phone without meeting them...then when I finally do meet them, it's interesting to gauge the reactions.  I tend to get a lot of "That's not what I thought you'd look like...at all...".  I get that one a lot when meeting the phone conversation type people from my work.  I honestly think that one's due to the fact that I have a phone voice that is what I like to call "high school cheerleader voice"...which does not really match my physical appearance so much.  It makes first meetings a little bit of a let down for the other person, if said person is interested in the ladies...  On the positive side, I could easily get a position as a phone sex operator if times got tough.  

I also get a lot of "cute" and "adorable" comments.  Which I'm totally good with...I mean, I AM cute and adorable!  :)  But it's taken me a really long time to come to terms with that.  One of the ladies I work with likes to tell me "Not every man likes a skinny girl...it takes all kinds."  Which, is true, although I think it comes with a little bit of pity/this-is-the-nice-thing-to-say attached when she says it.  There are totally guys out there who think thin girls are grody and thick girls are made for cuddling.  I'm married, so their opinions are pretty much meaningless for me either way.  But they ARE out there my single thick girls...way more than I realized when I was a single lady...so don't lose hope! 

Three years ago, when I first stared at the job I'm at now, before anybody really knew me/knew I was married, I had three separate incidences of guys being interested in me as a...'lady friend'...bow-chicka-bow-wow.  It was the craziest thing that ever happened to me.  I think mostly because I am oblivious to flirting. You basically have to honk a boob or try to suck on my tonsils before I realize you're being anything more than friendly.  So I never really think people are flirting, I just think they're being nice.  But these were pretty direct advances that even oblivious ole me could pick up on... 

I was telling my sister about my experiences right after they happened (because they kept getting progressively more...forward...and if there had been one more, he would have had to just pull out his wiener and slap me in the forehead with it for it to be any more "forward" than it was) and I remember that the thing I was most surprised about was that 'these guys don't even know me'. 

As I told my sister, I am, and have always been (except for the year and a half of being a skinny girl when I was 19/20 years old), the kind of girl that is friend first, building into more.  ALWAYS.  I mean, I'm not a hideous beast monster or anything, but I'm no prize pig either...and I tend to win dudes over with my personality.  (My personality is really sexy! haha)  I don't just catch somebody's eye when I walk past them!  I'm not that girl!  But here were three different instances in close succession which told me otherwise!  And I was kind of freaked out by it!  They were messing with my reality!  

This was part of my sister's response, directly quoted out of the email she sent me when all this happened (I keep the really important ones!  My sister is a wealth of knowledge/info/hilariousness!): "Obviously, you are not as physically ogre-like as you tell yourself because people do find you attractive even without [knowing of] your cunning, wit, and charm...not to mention your crafty skills..."

This was a big turning point for me, I think, regarding how I viewed myself.  Before this, I basically knew that people could 'get past' my physical appearance because (as previously mentioned) I have a good personality...but here was three separate evidences in short order that some people actually enjoyed my physical appearance!  That was an entirely new concept for me!  I basically learned that maybe that guy isn't looking at me because I have something stuck in my teeth...or a low hanging booger...or whatever.  Maybe that guy is looking at me because he thinks I'm hot stuff!  It was a radical concept for me...

I guess, more than thinking about how I see me vs. how others see me, I have been thinking about how I see me now compared to how I used to see me...because I didn't really have an accurate idea of what others thought of me at all.  I used to think of myself as plain...boring...annoying to others... an acquired taste...a total weirdo that was 'off-putting' to most people.  As I've gotten older (and possibly wiser), I've come to see that I was looking at things in the wrong light.  I'm not plain.  I'm cute and adorable!  In general, I'm DEFINITELY not boring...  I'm not annoying or off-putting, people like to be around me...people choose to be around me.  I might not be everybody's cup of tea, but for some, I'm their favorite flavor! 

The reason I say that this is more about how I see me than how other people do, when all the above things have to do with how people view me, is that, while I'm changing and growing as a person, I haven't completely overhauled my personality.  I've progressed, I've gotten rid of a lot of baggage, and I've matured, but for the most part, I'm still the same person.  Outwardly, I haven't changed a whole heaping huge amount.  But inwardly, the person I am now is vastly different.  I could have felt confident in myself all along, but I didn't.  I could have accepted (what I view as) my quirks and understood that those 'weird' ways are what make me interesting...but I didn't.  I wasn't at that point yet.  

I saw this quote a while ago that says "The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are."  I think that in my case, it should read 'accepting who you are'.  It's taken me thirty years, but I finally am learning that it's ok to be who exactly who I am.  Sure I have faults and flaws that I want to work on, things I want to improve about myself, and ways I still need to grow as a person...I'm sure I will continue to grow and evolve till the day I die...I hope so anyway.  But learning that, overall, at the heart of everything, who I am is just fine, that it's something to be proud of...that's been a real privilege for me.

And so here's the finished spread for Week Four of Inner Excavations: 

"I move forward.  I look at the past with love.  I will not look back with regret, because regret will only hold me back and I am determined to press on.  I am a work in progress and I am moving forward all the time.  Nothing can stop me.  I am a constant work in progress..."  The "I move forward" and the part on the left page are both stamps, the rest is just my (attempt at legible) handwriting.  The "I move forward" letters didn't show up well (there are pretty designs in the letters in the actual stamps)  so I went over and colored them in so that they would stand out.  I like that they are so BOLD! 

Thanks to Mo and Pamikins for the help with the journaling on this.  They both hit the nail on the head with their suggestions, and I really like the message combined with the painting in this.  It makes me super happy!

I did make a few changes to the face in this, including adding some shadow to the hair and changing the nose.  Thank you to Bibi for the suggestion about the nose, I think it is much improved now, and thank you to  Raine for pointing out the angles being different...it worked out much better with that new photo as a reference for the shading.  Now I feel like I've got two new tools in my arsenal of face making skills for the future as well!!!

I had written a lot of this post before the whole hospital stay happened, but just finished it up today.  I am still pretty puny, but am feeling even better today than I did yesterday, so fingers crossed that I will continue in the upward direction!  Thanks for all the well wishes and sweet words from yesterday's post.  I promise I will get back to all the comments, it's just gonna take some time, but I don't want you to think I would forget!  I am sending squishy love in all directions to meet each of you. <3

Layer on layer...

I'm a prompt!  I'm a prompt!

OK, so here's the story: In one of the groups I'm in on Facebook (M3 shout out!!!), we were having a discussion about layers.  They are awesome!  Yes...BUT they are not the easiest thing to learn!  So, one of the ladies was asking about how people in the group do layers.  And as it turned out, we all had layer issues!  I'm so happy, because I thought I was the only one!  Layering has been on my ever growing list of things I need to work on for a LONG time.  But I have been practicing...

I am DEFINITELY NOT an expert (at anything...besides maybe practicing...), but I mentioned that one thing that is helping me is to start out with things I don't really like.  I mean, you don't want to cover up beautiful gorgeousness, right?  Because then you could mess up your totally awesome whatever-it-is and be really sad!  However, if you start out with something you're not really a fan of, and you mess it up, it's not really a loss, because you didn't like it (and, let's be honest, if you don't like it, you'd never use it anyway). So, to my shock and glee, they made that into a prompt, to work on layers by starting out with something you don't like.  (I actually can't leave my craft room because my head won't fit through the door!)

What I thought I would do is take some pictures to show how I arrived at the end result...so here you go: 

This is a piece of scrapbook paper from one of the first paper pads I ever bought.  The rest of the paper from this pad is pretty awesome, but this page has always made me gag.  I don't know why, but I REALLY dislike it.
For the first step I glued this (HIDEOUS) paper to a piece of thin cardboard (think cereal box weight). 

The next step was to apply a thin coat of gesso to try to tone down the brightness of the paper (did I mention how ugly the paper was to me...oh lawd, so ugly!)  After the gesso was dry, I used a large scroll stamp I had and some Dove Gray Stazon ink for the next layer.  Then, I used Jet Black Stazon and a few different scroll stamps over that.

In this step, I used several different colors of Distress Stains to add some color to the gesso.  For the record, Distress Stains are REALLY awesome, and one day, I will own all the colors.  At this point, I decided I was going to do a girl (because what do I make besides girls, really?)...

So, since I decided I was going to do a girl (something I do A LOT), I thought I would change her up a little bit and try some things I don't usually do...and that's where this scrap piece of paper came in...

First, I embossed some stamps onto the page...well actually I cut out the shape first...but then I embossed with clear UTEE.  Then, I used some Dylusions spray inks to color in the piece.  Because of the embossing powder, the stamped images resisted the color, and so the images really stand out.  Then I added some more stamps (there's a heart one that blends into the background and then the white scroll thing).  (This is the point where I took the above picture.)  But, this looked too bright for what I had in mind, so I toned it down with some of the White Linen Dylusions.

While waiting for that to dry, I set about adding paint to the background, followed by the heart stamp, and then followed by the  white stamp as well.  I kind of wanted to stop here, but seeing as how this was about layers and all for practicing, I went ahead with my plan to put a girl on the page.

I made a quick sketch of a girl face outline, took a little bit of gesso and painted her in.  I only put gesso on the actual face/neck part, because I was hoping to preserve some of the background (which makes me super happy!)...

While waiting for the gesso to dry, I kept looking at this piece of scrap and decided that, even after I added the white Dylusions, I STILL didn't like how it looked in relation to everything else, so I went over it with some Inka Gold Metallic Rub in Gold.  That stuff is pretty darn awesome by the way...  I ended up liking this part much better after adding the Inka Gold.  This is the point where I got REALLY into it, and forgot to take anymore pictures until I was done...but you didn't actually miss that much craziness...or at least none that you really need pictures of for explanation...

After the gesso was dry, I lightly drew in some features in charcoal.  I used some Letraset Aquamarkers to colorize.  Those things are so amazing it HURTS!!!  I will TOTALLY be having all the colors of the Aquamarkers...I know I said that about the distress stains, and one day I will...but the Aquamarkers...I will be owning all of those REALLY soon!  Basically, Aquamarkers are watercolors in marker form, but they are so amazing that I think they are actually made up of fairy dust and love from puppies.  I LOVE THEM!!!  ...ok, I'm good now.  I digress.  After I finished the face (and the Aquamarker celebrating...it was the first time I used them, I just got them yesterday), the hair looked a little flat and so I took some of the Inka Gold in Gold and added some hair lines.  I also added some Aquamarkers to the embossed areas of the crown because they were sticking out like a sore thumb...the Aquamarkers tamed them a little.  Then I added some Inka Gold in Gold around the edges and in random places on the page.  But I wasn't happy with that, the gold was too overpowering by itself, so I added some Inka Gold in Steel Blue as well.  Then I thought I'd really like to have a sentiment.  "Be Gentle" popped into my brain.  I was having trouble deciding which set of letter stickers to use for this: a set of shimmery black ones or a set of light rose color ones.  I chose the light rose ones...I chose poorly.  They REALLY blended into the background, and NOT in a good way.  So I went over them with some Inka Gold in a couple different colors...and I still wasn't happy with them.  Then I thought 'what about using the Silks acrylic glaze?'...because is there anything a little Silks can't do?  I used the Jasmine color and that was definitely the right answer.  I love those things (and yes, one day, I will have all the colors of Silks as well...)

Here's another finished photo, just to show the shiny of it.  I am pretty impressed with the end result...  While I was looking at this, I realized that I am kind of like Alice from Alice in Wonderland.  'I give myself very good advise, but I very seldom follow it'.  Starting out with something you don't like is pretty good advise...but I get lazy and don't practice it as often as I should.  Then I look at this and realize that I need to do this kind of thing more...I love how it turned out!  I really like that you can see pieces from every layer.  There's the hideous scrapbook paper, which you can see on the left side (there are little dots that come through).  There's the stamps in Dove Gray and Jet Black.  The paint, the white stamps, the crown with the embossing.  The Inka Gold in Gold and Steel Blue, and the letter stickers colored in with Silks.  I love that you can see some of the stamps coming through on her face and in her hair! 

All in all, I am really happy with the way this turned out!  It's significantly better than that (UGLY) scrapbook paper I started out with in the beginning.  And since I started out with something I didn't like, I wasn't worried about messing it up.  This gave me some extra freedom to experiment and not worry about the end result too much.  And I think that made the end result much better.  I really feel like I am a successful prompt!  I can't wait to see what the other ladies have come up with!