Documented Life Week 4...Too Severe To Be Easily Forgotten

Have you ever had something happen to you...something you never thought bothered you...and all of the sudden, this thing hits you like a ton of bricks?  And you're so completely taken back by this thing...this stupid thing that never mattered before...that it's all you can think about?

It happened to me this week, and it's what's my Documented Life spread for today is about.  (You can read more about DL HERE.)

Do you remember being at school, and a group of the 'cool' kids would be talking and some kid would walk by and one of them would say to the other, "Look, Jeremy, there's your girlfriend.",  and it was always the dorkiest, grossest, 'loser' kid in the school?  I know you know what I'm talking about.

Well, more or less, that happened to me at work...I was the 'girlfriend'.

Now, when forced to think about my appearance, I tend to take a realistic view.  I know I'm not the hottest thing on the block...I know I'm not stopping traffic or getting cat calls or whistles or whatever it is that babes get these days...*cough...herpes...cough...cough*  But, I'm also not a total hideous beast-monster...nobody's eyeballs start spouting blood when they look at me or anything like that.

Additionally, I'm 30... I work at a factory...theoretically, with other 'adults'...should I even have to be talking about this?  Seriously...

My less...noble...side wants to divert attention to someone else and say 'You think I'm the worst looking person in this place?  Have you seen that girl...at least I cover my shame.'  ...I'm not proud of that...but it's true... 

'secretly, deep inside' (acrylic over writing, colored pencil, canvas stickers)

The stupid thing about it is that I always thought I didn't care how people felt about my looks.  Why should I care?  I have basically no control over it.  I mean think about it, barring plastic surgery, what am I supposed to do?  Besides, I'm an awesome person...that should totally make up for whatever I lack in the looks department.

Generally, I would just laugh things like this off...heck, I'd probably be the first one making the joke about myself.  But when faced with the thought that I am the most hideous person someone can point out in a building full of people...well, I guess my pride felt a line was crossed.

'I forget if I love you or not' (acrylic over writing, multiple stencils, canvas stickers, die-cuts, book pages,and Heidi Swapp ColorShine spray)

The whole thing just brought up a bunch of weird feelings for me.  Not that I go around thinking I'm a gorgeous super model or anything, but this situation made me feel ugly.  

I know the important thing is how I view myself...but the thing is, I never think of myself in terms of 'pretty' or 'ugly'...I look in the mirror and I see someone who is smart and funny and kind...I don't think about it the other way.  And I love that about myself!  And really, I always kind of figured it was up to other people to decide if I'm good looking or not.  I mean, 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder', right?  I know its my job to make sure I'm pretty on the inside...and I try really hard to accomplish that!  But as far as the outside...once I shower and brush my hair and make sure I don't have any visible boogers in my nose or something stuck in my teeth, I feel like my job is pretty much done...  But whatever small amount of vanity I have never thought I'd be on the receiving end of a "Jeremy's girlfriend" comment either...

I guess now we know for sure...

My husband finds this whole thing hilarious...and I say "Yuck it up, you're the one who married my ugly butt!"  He always calls me 'low-maintenance', but after being hit by a barrage of "do you think I'm cute?" all week, he might be forced to reexamine that theory...

This is all a little silly, really, and I know it.  But the project is to document life, right?  And life is the good and the bad and all the in-between stuff.  I don't know why I let it bother me so bad...I'm pretty well over it now...I guess the only thing I'm really certain of...is that I am NOT Jeremy's girlfriend.

Circles

I don't know what a psychotic break feels like...but I'm pretty sure I am having one.  I think the fact that I kind of giggled to myself as I wrote that means that it's probably true...but, hey, at least I can laugh about it, right?

I've told you before how I've basically denied all existence of my personal emotions for my entire life.  And then I discovered art journaling.  And all these emotions kind of poured out of me...or exploded out of me really...like Mentos dropped in a bottle of coke...geyser style...

That was a total surprise for me.  I didn't know I had all that stuff locked up inside.  SO MUCH STUFF!  But it felt really great to get it out of my head.  I could feel the weight lifted off my shoulders...it was like I finally breathed out and it made me twenty pounds lighter!  It's been a huge relief.  I think I've been learning to handle it all in a pretty good way...especially since I've never done anything with emotional stuff besides try to suppress it.

But this week, and I think (without knowing it at the time) probably most of last month, aka Crap-tober, I've been having some new-to-me issues.  I've come to realize that, much like everything else in life, some emotions are cyclical.  We don't just feel them, acknowledge them, and move on from them.  Somethings you can do that with...but not everything.  Ugh.  I guess I shouldn't be so bewildered at this, but I am.  Actually, I'm a little shocked about the whole thing.  

I've been thinking a lot about my friend Leonard.  I miss him a lot.  I know I always will.  That's not new knowledge for me.  But these big circle emotions that I seem to be having right now...that's a different kettle of fish.  

I've dealt with the loss of him...carefully.  In a detailed way...maybe that's the right way to say it.  Each time something new came up, I've analyzed it...over-analysis is my specialty...I feel like I've let myself run the gamut of grief.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, ...been there, done that.  I've felt all these things so strongly.  I was...almost proud, I guess...of how I let myself go through all of those stages.  They overlapped, they repeated, they ebbed and flowed and overtook me.  It didn't happen quickly, but eventually I got to a point where I felt like I could breath again.  I thought that was acceptance.  I naively thought I was done with the worst of it.

I've been seeing that's not true.  I've put a spread in Gregg about how I feel:

Repeat.

"This feeling is happening again and again."

"Where does it end?  When does it ever get easier?  Does it ever stop?  Or does it only repeat, repeat, repeat?"

I'm learning that some feelings are big circles.  Like other things in life, they live, they grow weak, they become dormant, they emerge again.  Flowers, butterflies, the seasons...add emotions to the list.  

They aren't exactly the same feelings.  Or at least there are some new ones thrown in the mix.  I'm still sad, I'm still angry, I still don't want it to be true.  But I find that I'm also upset that my memories are fading.  Maybe that is some kind of self-defense mechanism.  We have to lose them, otherwise we'd go crazy...but I can't stand it.  I don't want to forget.

I think it's hard for me because I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel.  I don't know anybody who I can be completely honest with about things...and someone who would understand how I feel.  I think dealing with suicide is different than dealing with other kinds of death.  Not harder, I don't want to say that, because death is always hard to deal with...but it is different.  

With suicide, you not only have to deal with the person being gone, you have to deal with the fact that they chose it.  He wasn't taken from me.  He wasn't stolen from me.  He made the choice and he left on purpose.  

And I blame myself.  In my head, I understand that it wasn't my fault.  But in my heart, I feel like it is.  I can't seem to find a way for my mind to overpower my heart in this matter.  Having to blame myself for not being able to see what was happening...for not being able to stop it from happening...that only adds to the pain of it all.  

I know that letting myself feel what I need to feel is good for me.  I know that talking about it is helping me.  I understand that I'm still learning too.  I know that I'll always miss my friend and that at least a part of me will always hold onto guilt and self-blame.  I know that I just have to learn to not let it overpower my life...maybe that's an ongoing process, not an end game.

I've lost someone I love very dearly.  I don't get him back.  I don't ever get to hear his voice or his laugh ever again.  He doesn't get to know what life had in store for him.  He doesn't get to know that things would have gotten better.  His life is stopped and  mine did too.  

I just want to say that there is ALWAYS another choice.  Talk to someone.  Life is not easy, but there's good to be had.  So long as you're living, you have the power to change your life.  There is always a different way out of a bad situation, and choosing death is not the answer to any problem.  I wish I had shown my friend how much he was loved.  I wish I could tell him I love him and let him know how much he meant to me...how much he will always mean to me.  I don't get to tell him.  He doesn't get to hear it.  We don't get to have a life together now.  Don't take that away from yourself.  Don't take that away from all the people who love you.

On and on...

Words can't really express my gratitude for all the kind and beautiful comments from yesterday's post.  Every single on of them made my heart swell  with love.  You can't imagine how much you all lift me up and make me want to just give you gigantic smooches and squishes.  Thank you all so very much.

I was thinking about all the kind comments I received yesterday while I was trying to work on the spread for my BOD (Book of Days) journal.  I also had some music going on in the background, as I always do.  There was this serendipitous moment where I stopped working and looked up at the computer, still having the comments from yesterday's post on the screen, and my eyes landed on my lovely Pamikins comment where she wrote: "please understand, your legacy will live on Your art speaks volumes, it will always live on" (What a HUGE compliment!)  and the song in the background was playing and the lyrics were "She's still got infinity ahead of her".  And I stopped in my tracks, poured some gesso over the page I had originally started and began working on this:

"She's still got infinity ahead of her..."  napkin, Dylusions, stencils, die cuts, Silks acrylic glazes, glittery border stickers, Aquamarkers, and shimmery (I wanted to call it pearlescent...but spell check is telling me that's either not a word or REALLY not spelled right) acrylic paint

Also a moment of awesomeness is that I used a napkin that my darling Pamikins had sent me in a care package...I didn't realize it till after I'd glued it down, but I do believe that paisley napkin came from her!  So Paminkins, you get a whole heap of credit today!

And, to a lesser extent, this song also gets some credit:

Really, all the comments from yesterday and every day before share the credit.  I know I wouldn't be where I'm at know if it weren't for the loving and the encouragement and the keep-at-it's that folks have been kind enough to bestow on me.  I guess what I'm saying is that it takes a village to raise a Sweet Red Clover...and you all are my village.

Layer on layer...

I'm a prompt!  I'm a prompt!

OK, so here's the story: In one of the groups I'm in on Facebook (M3 shout out!!!), we were having a discussion about layers.  They are awesome!  Yes...BUT they are not the easiest thing to learn!  So, one of the ladies was asking about how people in the group do layers.  And as it turned out, we all had layer issues!  I'm so happy, because I thought I was the only one!  Layering has been on my ever growing list of things I need to work on for a LONG time.  But I have been practicing...

I am DEFINITELY NOT an expert (at anything...besides maybe practicing...), but I mentioned that one thing that is helping me is to start out with things I don't really like.  I mean, you don't want to cover up beautiful gorgeousness, right?  Because then you could mess up your totally awesome whatever-it-is and be really sad!  However, if you start out with something you're not really a fan of, and you mess it up, it's not really a loss, because you didn't like it (and, let's be honest, if you don't like it, you'd never use it anyway). So, to my shock and glee, they made that into a prompt, to work on layers by starting out with something you don't like.  (I actually can't leave my craft room because my head won't fit through the door!)

What I thought I would do is take some pictures to show how I arrived at the end result...so here you go: 

This is a piece of scrapbook paper from one of the first paper pads I ever bought.  The rest of the paper from this pad is pretty awesome, but this page has always made me gag.  I don't know why, but I REALLY dislike it.
For the first step I glued this (HIDEOUS) paper to a piece of thin cardboard (think cereal box weight). 

The next step was to apply a thin coat of gesso to try to tone down the brightness of the paper (did I mention how ugly the paper was to me...oh lawd, so ugly!)  After the gesso was dry, I used a large scroll stamp I had and some Dove Gray Stazon ink for the next layer.  Then, I used Jet Black Stazon and a few different scroll stamps over that.

In this step, I used several different colors of Distress Stains to add some color to the gesso.  For the record, Distress Stains are REALLY awesome, and one day, I will own all the colors.  At this point, I decided I was going to do a girl (because what do I make besides girls, really?)...

So, since I decided I was going to do a girl (something I do A LOT), I thought I would change her up a little bit and try some things I don't usually do...and that's where this scrap piece of paper came in...

First, I embossed some stamps onto the page...well actually I cut out the shape first...but then I embossed with clear UTEE.  Then, I used some Dylusions spray inks to color in the piece.  Because of the embossing powder, the stamped images resisted the color, and so the images really stand out.  Then I added some more stamps (there's a heart one that blends into the background and then the white scroll thing).  (This is the point where I took the above picture.)  But, this looked too bright for what I had in mind, so I toned it down with some of the White Linen Dylusions.

While waiting for that to dry, I set about adding paint to the background, followed by the heart stamp, and then followed by the  white stamp as well.  I kind of wanted to stop here, but seeing as how this was about layers and all for practicing, I went ahead with my plan to put a girl on the page.

I made a quick sketch of a girl face outline, took a little bit of gesso and painted her in.  I only put gesso on the actual face/neck part, because I was hoping to preserve some of the background (which makes me super happy!)...

While waiting for the gesso to dry, I kept looking at this piece of scrap and decided that, even after I added the white Dylusions, I STILL didn't like how it looked in relation to everything else, so I went over it with some Inka Gold Metallic Rub in Gold.  That stuff is pretty darn awesome by the way...  I ended up liking this part much better after adding the Inka Gold.  This is the point where I got REALLY into it, and forgot to take anymore pictures until I was done...but you didn't actually miss that much craziness...or at least none that you really need pictures of for explanation...

After the gesso was dry, I lightly drew in some features in charcoal.  I used some Letraset Aquamarkers to colorize.  Those things are so amazing it HURTS!!!  I will TOTALLY be having all the colors of the Aquamarkers...I know I said that about the distress stains, and one day I will...but the Aquamarkers...I will be owning all of those REALLY soon!  Basically, Aquamarkers are watercolors in marker form, but they are so amazing that I think they are actually made up of fairy dust and love from puppies.  I LOVE THEM!!!  ...ok, I'm good now.  I digress.  After I finished the face (and the Aquamarker celebrating...it was the first time I used them, I just got them yesterday), the hair looked a little flat and so I took some of the Inka Gold in Gold and added some hair lines.  I also added some Aquamarkers to the embossed areas of the crown because they were sticking out like a sore thumb...the Aquamarkers tamed them a little.  Then I added some Inka Gold in Gold around the edges and in random places on the page.  But I wasn't happy with that, the gold was too overpowering by itself, so I added some Inka Gold in Steel Blue as well.  Then I thought I'd really like to have a sentiment.  "Be Gentle" popped into my brain.  I was having trouble deciding which set of letter stickers to use for this: a set of shimmery black ones or a set of light rose color ones.  I chose the light rose ones...I chose poorly.  They REALLY blended into the background, and NOT in a good way.  So I went over them with some Inka Gold in a couple different colors...and I still wasn't happy with them.  Then I thought 'what about using the Silks acrylic glaze?'...because is there anything a little Silks can't do?  I used the Jasmine color and that was definitely the right answer.  I love those things (and yes, one day, I will have all the colors of Silks as well...)

Here's another finished photo, just to show the shiny of it.  I am pretty impressed with the end result...  While I was looking at this, I realized that I am kind of like Alice from Alice in Wonderland.  'I give myself very good advise, but I very seldom follow it'.  Starting out with something you don't like is pretty good advise...but I get lazy and don't practice it as often as I should.  Then I look at this and realize that I need to do this kind of thing more...I love how it turned out!  I really like that you can see pieces from every layer.  There's the hideous scrapbook paper, which you can see on the left side (there are little dots that come through).  There's the stamps in Dove Gray and Jet Black.  The paint, the white stamps, the crown with the embossing.  The Inka Gold in Gold and Steel Blue, and the letter stickers colored in with Silks.  I love that you can see some of the stamps coming through on her face and in her hair! 

All in all, I am really happy with the way this turned out!  It's significantly better than that (UGLY) scrapbook paper I started out with in the beginning.  And since I started out with something I didn't like, I wasn't worried about messing it up.  This gave me some extra freedom to experiment and not worry about the end result too much.  And I think that made the end result much better.  I really feel like I am a successful prompt!  I can't wait to see what the other ladies have come up with!

Letting Go

With the completely horrible version of the prompts (neon, money, stickers) for this week out of the way, I shook off the ugly page mojo and made this page:

She remembered that it was ok to let go of things when the cost outweighed the benefit.

I would have never guessed it in a million years, but I am really enjoying the neon backgrounds...even on my previous page...you know, the shamefully horrible one...  

I like this page SIGNIFICANTLY  better than the first one.  It's much more 'my style' than the last attempt was for sure...I don't know what my creativity was doing the day I made the first page, but good gourd, don't let it leave me like that EVER AGAIN!!!  

I like that this page is another step in the direction of my personal goal to remember the journal part of art journaling.  

I've been thinking recently about how much I struggle to keep things (and people, sadly) in my life that don't really need  to be there.  I chase after things that don't want to be caught, and fight as hard as I can to hold onto them, to keep them around no matter the consequences.  Part of it, I think, is that I'd feel like a failure if I couldn't maintain these stressful relationships.  I've always kind of been the glue that holds things together...and having one side do all the work is not easy and it's how it should be at all.  In the past few weeks, I've been kindly told by several dear people that things 'are not always about me'.  I don't know why I have such a hard time accepting that.  It's a simple fact, really, but also profound.  Sometimes we just get the brunt of conflict that has little, if anything, to do with us.  We're just the person that happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.  

It can really stink to be a caring person, because there's a very thin line that separates being caring and being codependent, where I start to think that I can change someone else's attitude and outlook.  And that's a bad place to be.  It's not my job to continually try to fix other people's problems.  Not that there's anything wrong with helping people if I can.  The problem is that it seems to be all I ever do.  For starters, it's kind of egotistical...it's like saying I can live that person's life smarter than they can...  I've got my own problems!  O meed to go fix them!  Additionally, if you start bailing people out too often, they quit trying to help themselves...you become an enabler and you start drowning in issues that were never yours to begin with.  And a person can only give so much...eventually, if nobody returns the favor, you're completely empty.  I've been riding on 'E' for a while now.

So I've decided to quit being glue-like and start being more like velcro.  Because velcro has two parts and neither part sticks without the half it matches.  I have needs and wants and problems too.  So I'm going to work on finding things that have a give and take.  This doesn't just apply to people either.  

There are other things I can think of that have no real benefit...I just do them because I've always done them.  And, honestly, there's not time enough in the day to do things just because they should be done or because it's the way it's always been done.  I'm going to liken this to making your bed in the morning.  Your whole life you've woken up and made your bed.  What's the point to it?  You're just going to get back in it and mess it up again!  But you've heard 'GO MAKE YOUR BED!' every day since you were a kid, and it's a habit and it's just the way things are done.  But really, why?  The world isn't going to stop if you just toss off the blankets and walk away.  I'm going to try to get rid of all those little 'go make your bed' situations in my life.

Some person out in the world, who is much smarter than I am said: When you say no to something, what you're doing is making room for yes.  Basically, you're making room for more positive things.  I've come to the realization that there are some things I'm finally ready to scream "NO!" at.  And I'm sitting here tonight, dreaming of all the good things I'm making room for, just by simply letting go.

The Extreme Brightness

Here's a page for one of the Facebook groups I'm in...the prompts were neon, stickers, money.  In an odd turn of events, I have very few stickers...  This realization was very disturbing to me!  When did I become the kind of adult that can buy stickers at will and yet has NO STICKERS???  I am going to have to work on that...an adult with no stickers...I feel like a monster!!!  My nine year old self is shaking her head in disgust at me!

This picture does not accurately portray the EXTREME brightness of this page...

Aside from my limited sticker collection, I had a hard time with this page...the neon is NOT a comfortable color choice for me.  I like color...but oh...oh, so very bright!  I have to admit that as I flip past this page in my journal in search of a blank one, I stop and admire the background quite a bit...  It turns out I must like those frighteningly bright colors after all.  It makes me wonder why I don't use them a little more often...and it makes me afraid that I'm becoming a boring adult!  No stickers, no crazy colors...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?  

In searching out something to use for the money part of the prompt, I kept coming across these insightful quotes about money...but I couldn't do it!  My funky stickers were mocking me and my grown-up quotes...so then I had to search jokes about money instead...and I think I agree with the raccoon in the apron... "Ugh...that's so corny."  but it works well for my animal related stickers and the brightness of the neons...so STOP JUDGING ME RACCOON!!!  

I had a stroke of brilliance and a stop at the local dollar store (to get stickers) so that I can do another page for this theme.  I don't care for this page very much, and I want another shot at doing these prompts.  Where were you over the weekend inspiration?  Taking a vacation or something?  Get back to work!

Sometimes I think it's kind of refreshing to do a page that you just don't like...it's visual motivation for me... I feel like I can do better, and I know it can't be worse than that hideousness!  This is not the first bad page I've made, nor will it be the last sadly...but it feels freeing to get the ugly out of the way and move on to making better pages.

I wonder if the other ladies in my group had as hard of a time on this week's prompts as I did...probably not, they are creative and amazing and resourceful...and they probably had better stickers...