In This Moment

The prompt for this week's JOURNAL 52 page is "Build a Snowman" and here's what I came up with:

"I choose to be happy in this moment."

As I was cutting up the scrapbook paper to make my snowman, I was thinking about what I said in my last post...about how time passes so quickly and how sometimes things go from good to bad or bad to good in a split second.

A couple nights ago, my mom called me at around eleven o'clock.  I knew something was wrong immediately because my mom is NEVER awake that late and, if she is, she's not capable of functional thought...so there's no way she's calling me at eleven to chit chat.  I was right.

My nephew, Remy, who is two, had fallen off the bed earlier that night and gotten a concussion.  Mom had just gotten home from the hospital, where they had decided to keep him overnight for tests and observation, hence the late night call.

I spent the night staring at the ceiling in the blackness of my bedroom with a knot in my stomach the size of a small elephant.

Mom and I went to see him in the hospital yesterday, and he's doing better...much less of a limp noodle, apparently, than the last time she saw him (and if you knew Remy, you'd know that's the last thing he could ever be described as under normal circumstances).  

While we were there, he was trying to convince us to let him get out of the hospital bed...or go to Mugga's (aka my Mom's) house...or go outside...and then he was using the board on his arm (it keeps the arm straight for the IV) to "Hulky smash" the teddy bears people had given him.  Those are promising signs of him feeling better for sure, so hopefully he will get to come home today.

Usually, I have a melancholy feeling when I think about the fact that I will probably never have a kid...but this whole experience made me realize that there are also some good things about it too.  Because even though I love Remy (and my other nephews and nieces) SO MUCH, I know it can't compare to how much their moms love them.  And when I think about the gut wrenching feeling I had when I heard what happened this weekend, I can't imagine having to feel that for my own child...I really, strongly feel like I couldn't handle that pain.  

I realized that if I did have a kid, I would wrap him or her in bubble wrap and a helmet at all times and never let them do anything because I would be terrified that something bad would happen to them.  And they would probably hate me for it and grow up resenting me and write terrible, scathing things about me in their memoirs or become serial killers or something.  So maybe the no-kid-for-me thing is kind of a good thing...

So I was thinking about that as I was cutting up the paper for my snowman, and I started wondering what other things in my life are like that?  What other things (that I view as negative) also have a positive side?  

It turns out that there are quite a few...  I guess I'm much more of a pessimist than I thought.

I don't want to be a pessimist.  

I could walk around all doom and gloom because Remy had an accident and because life is scary and think of all the horrible things that could happen at any given moment.  Or I could be happy because Remy is going to be OK and because life is beautiful and think of all the good things that can happen at any moment.

I choose to be happy.

Rhyming Words

Great coogally moogallies, I've got some catching up to do!

I went to the beach and then...well then, wallowing in misery because I couldn't stay at the beach...  I've got some pictures to share, but I have to edit them a little first, so for now, let's play art journal catch-up...and I'll show you one beach picture this time (at the end).  Deal?

First, I'm going to share my JOURNAL 52 (J52) pages for two weeks ago and last week.

The first one is for the "Rhyme Time" prompt, aka the unfinished page I shared before I went to the beach, but she's finished now:

"It's never us, it's you and me -an unrequited melody."

I am still gloating to myself over FINALLY making a decent profile face!

My rhyming words came from a poem that I wrote...this is the entire thing:

I don't know how the song must sound.

Only, my dear, that you have found

a way to play, upon my skin, 

an ancient melody I held within.

As, tenderly, you strike the keys, 

I go weak in my tired knees,

but your habit is only to play the tune

when I get used to ignoring you.

If I pay too much attention

to the sweet chords I've mentioned, 

you take your hand away, 

decide that you don't want to play.

I wish that I could let it go

but you somehow tap the perfect notes

and I turn to you again, at last, 

hear the song rushing past, 

till I do some unknown harm

and you take your fingers off my arm.

It's never us, it's you and me 

-an unrequited melody.

I saw the girl's 'tattoo' on Pinterest...I totally stole somebody's tattoo...but in a complimentary way, as it was so cool that I had NO CHOICE but to steal it!

I did the page with this poem in mind, and so I had a plan of attack before I started drawing the girl.  The thought behind the page is that the girl is looking over at the guy...he's just off the edge of the page...wishing he would make a move, one way or the other, and let her know how he feels about her. She knows what she wants to happen, but his ambiguity is frustrating the crap out of this girl!


Next is my page for the J52 prompt "In the City":

"I have dreams of far off cities."

This page was simple, but I really like how it turned out!  I just cut random shapes from scrapbook papers, which hopefully give the impression of city skylines...then a rolling hill and, lastly, a small forest of pine trees (Which, for the record, used to be x-mas trees till I cut off their stars...I felt very smart about it indeed!)  Then came the point where I added the outlines in a watercolor pencil, which didn't show up that great, and then a grease pencil, which showed up a little too well...next time, I'll use my black Neocolor II (which is what I should have done this time!) and everything will be perfect.

Just for the record, I don't know if it's exactly true that I have dreams of far off cities, or if it would be more correct to say towns...or villages...aka smaller than cities...  I think I would like to see Paris...that's probably the only city I have the desire to go visit.  Otherwise, I'd much rather stick to the road less traveled and see the small towns of the world!  Although, I do have to say, I really enjoy going to Charlotte (North Carolina, USA), which is a big city (at least in my eyes anyway)...but I don't really think it feels like a big city...it's like a home-y big city.  The people there seem much classier (in a friendly/nice/elegant way) than the country bumpkin who's talking to you now...

I've also got my DOCUMENTED LIFE (DLP) spread for last week, where the prompt was to "Paint or color with three colors you never use."  And this is my page:

"Two black kitty cats"

I used pink, green and brown as my colors, but I think I use the whole rainbow of colors fairly often...  I try to mix it up when I can!  I'm not uber thrilled with the way the background turned out, but I am really enjoying the two kitten silhouettes!

This past week, my husband brought home two wild kittens from his work.  His job is on a pretty busy street and the kittens probably would not have made it if he didn't catch them.  Plus, they're both black cats, and with Halloween coming up and the fact that there are some crazy sick weirdos out in the world, they're in a safer place now.  

They're very young, so it's not been too hard to get them used to civilization.  They've only been here since Wednesday and they've already stopped hissing at us when we get near them.  (Which was actually adorable, because they're so little that their hisses sounded like "keh, keh"!)  They let us pick them up and have stopped huddling together in terror when we come in the room.  

We think we are going to call them Pauly and Fat Tony.  If you pick them up, the one likes to crawl up on your shoulder and sit there like a parrot, hence we went with Polly...but since they're both boys, we changed it to Pauly.  I said we should name the other one Vinny (because, you know, Mafia reasons)...which Andy was ok with except he said, let's call him "Fat Tony" because that's the mob boss from The Simpsons.  And my husband has a deep, deep obsession with The Simpsons.

Hey Fat Tony, we're gonna name a kitten after you!

He's cool with it.

Plus, the kitten we're calling Fat Tony has a lazy cat personality (whereas Pauly is more...adventurous and feisty), so Fat Tony will probably end up being a pudgy cat and the name will fit him well...

And lastly, as promised, here is a picture of my mom and me at the beach in Pawley's Island, South Carolina.  It was cool and overcast the whole time we were there, which was actually a-ok with me...I'll take cool and overcast over boiling lava hot and a sunburn ANY DAY (must preserve the pale)!!!

My adorable mom and, my adorable (to a lesser extent) self...

I've got a few other pictures to share with you guys, but like I said I have to do a little editing before I do.  I'll probably sneak them in with my current J52 and DLP stuff a little later this week...as soon as my DLP polka dots dry!

What Can I Say?

The prompt for Documented Life this week was "Feathers" and here's what I did:

Thank you to my Pamikins for the awesome crow napkin.  It is SO awesome and I wish I had a million of them, because I LOVE how it looks!

I cut my feathers out by hand...yes, that's fussy cutting two weeks in a row (WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME???) using scrapbook paper and some pages from my beloved Gregg journal.  I feel as though Gregg has been sorely neglected...I need to make things right with him...I love Gregg too much to leave him all alone for so long!

I'm slowly trying to use up my enormous scrapbook paper stash...I mean, I don't guess it's an enormous stash compared to other people's stashes...but it's definitely an enormous stash for me, because I hardly ever use it.  It's been calling my name more and more...I'm going to have to figure out how to incorporate it into some art stuff and appreciate it's magnificence in that way...instead of appreciating it's magnificence on the shelf... 

This was a rare spread for me, because it doesn't really mean anything.  I mean, look at it.  No quotes or anything!  And it's not because I didn't try!  I actually spent last night scrolling through Pinterest for some kind of words to add and I came up with NOTHING!  

Don't get me wrong, I like this spread...I like it pretty darn well actually...but there's just something weird going on here!

No quotes on this spread...fussy cutting two weeks in a row...no face has been drawn...it's like invasion of the body snatchers in my studio!  (I'M SCARED!!!)

The only thing I really associated with this spread was noticing that the birds here in East Tennessee are starting to flock together, gearing up for the trip South (just like me next week...heading to the beach!!!  I can't wait!)...a sure sign that fall is close at hand!  And I do love me some fall weather...  Maybe that's why I'm cool with this spread as it is and not TOO freaked out (...still a little freaked out...) by the no words/no face/fussy cutting that I've got going on...

Add to the list of weird things happening in this post...I can't think of anything else to add!  Usually I'm so wordy (you know me!), but seriously, I've got NOTHING!  Who am I and what happened to the real Sweets?

Maybe if I go work on my Journal 52 for this week she'll come back...it's worth a shot...  :)

What's Left Over

The prompt for DOCUMENTED LIFE (DLP) this week was to "Use your under paper in a creative way."  In case you don't know, "under paper" is the paper you use so you don't get your desk/table/work surface all shmutz up with paint/spray ink/etc.  

The important words in that last sentence are you and your...because I don't really use under papers...  I just let my desk get all shmutzy...that way, later on, before I leave for work, my arms are celebration colored from all the spray inks that never quite wipe away completely...

In fact, I had to search high and low in my studio and I only came up with two under papers...

BUT...one of them ended up matching the opposite page in my DLP journal pretty well.  This was a completely unplanned event, so HUZZAH for serendipitous moments!

Here's what I ended up with:

Ta-da...

I found the quote on Pinterest, but apparently it's from a book/movie called "Captain Corelli's Mandolin".  I'm not sure which it's from, as I have never read/watched it, but according to Pinterest, it's from one or the other or possibly both...

Meh.

Though not my favorite face I've ever done, I do like her because she puts me in mind of Eilen Jewell, a singer/songwriter who I love, love, LOVE.  I didn't set out to make that happen, but when I finished the girl, that's who I immediately thought of.

Do they look a little alike, or is it all in my head?

I think I may have linked to one of her songs before, but here's another one that I can't seem to get enough of:

Sigh.  So melancholy and fantastic...I love it...

"Love itself is what's left over when being in love had burned away."

How fantastic is that scrapbook paper???  It's from a paper pack by DCWV called 'The Garden Tea Party'.  I find it EXTREMELY difficult to use because it's already so gorgeous...I always cringe a little when I do use it because I just want to stare at it lovingly and caress it and then put it safely away from my messiness.  I think this is my problem with all the scrapbook paper I have...I like it so much I don't want to use it...  And then I see more pretty papers and I must have those as well...and it leads to me having two huge shelves of scrapbook paper sitting there collecting dust...  Since space is at a premium in my studio,  I'm going to have to start knuckling down and forcing myself to use it more often.  I know this...but I still couldn't bring myself to cover up any of the focal image on this page.  

I think it worked out ok in this instance; the quote is enough.  That one little sentence is very profound, and, in my mind, the simple and sweet image contrasts well with the heavy words.  

This is one of those sentences I think everybody should pay attention to...or at least one that I wish I would have read as a young person.  I don't know if I would have appreciated it then though.

Only recently have I started to understand the expression about loving someone, but not being in love with them.  I guess, for me, it means being concerned for someone's future, but not wanting to be involved in that future...you want good things for a person, but don't want to be one of those good things.  *sigh*  It's hard to explain...

The quote from the journal page is like that too.  I don't know that I would have understood what it meant as a young person...not really.  When you're young, you have this idea that love will always be that initial, exciting, butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling...the one where everything the other person does is adorable and endearing.  But the truth is, real love isn't like that...or at least not often.  Real love is trudging through the muck together.  Real love is when those cute habits (Amy is so talkative, how sweet!) turn into annoying ones (Dear lord, does she ever shut up?!?).  Real love is when you can't stand listening to the other person for one more minute but you don't strangle them.  And yes, occasionally you still get butterflies in your stomach, but real love is getting from the moment of butterflies to the next moment of butterflies, and sometimes those moments are few and far between.  Real love is hard...and nobody seems to tell you that when you need to hear it most. 

Sometimes, when my husband tells me he loves me, I ask why.  And his response is "I don't know, I just do."  Every.Single.Time.  And I get so, so irritated.  Maybe it goes back to my former lack of emotions, to the days when I was only logical.  If you love me, there has to be a reason, there has to be something you can put your finger on and count and explain.  Why do you love me and not someone some other girl?  If you love me, why doesn't everyone love me?  And it bothers me that he can't come up with one stinking little reason.

  But maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe love is not like that for him.  Maybe he really doesn't know why.  

Sadly, that way of thinking is one I don't yet seem to be ready to understand.  Because if you asked me why I love someone, I could give you reasons.  I could explain to you that they make me laugh and they are kind and a million other reasons that make them different from anyone else.  Maybe what I'm looking for is the million reasons why I'm different.

I suppose that's a bit unfair.  As time goes by, I realize that there are people I find myself inexplicably drawn to.  Sure, I could name off a few reasons, but not enough to satisfy the question...not enough to explain why I care so deeply.  In that way, I suppose I'm not being fair to my husband when I try to force him to answer...

Love must come from a place so deep in our subconscious that we can't quite grasp it...like trying to remember a dream, or a word that's on the tip of your tongue but you just can't spit it out.

People are made of minutia, and I've found that there is a very thin line between the people you care for and the ones you don't.  Meaning I might love someone because they're funny, but I don't love someone else because they're not funny in the right way...  The differences between people are sometimes so small that we can't calculate them exactly, we only know that the differences are there.  Something you find endearing in one person, a quality that works well with all the other little details about them, may be a quality that you hate in someone with a different set of details.

As I get told, on a relatively regular basis, I think too much.  A friend at work likes to remind me that sometimes things just are the way they are and that's all...no reason to question, because facts are facts.  But, as I remind my friend, my brain doesn't work that way.  It would be a lot easier for me if it did.  Despite all the reasons that make it frustrating, my unquenchable brain thirst is one of the things that make me who I am...whether people find it annoying or endearing is up to them.  In combination with all my other qualities, it's one of my million reasons why I'm different.

Overkill...or Put Many Birds on It

This week's prompt for Documented Life (read more about DL HERE) was to incorporate a bird on your spread somehow.  And immediately, my mind went to this: 

HAHAHAHAHA!  That skit makes me laugh more than is necessary... 

And so in the spirit of that clip and birds everywhere, I made this spread:

"I want to think again of dangerous and noble things.  I want to be light and frolicsome.  I want to be improbable, beautiful, and afraid of nothing as though I had wings."
-Mary Oliver

I drew the birds...why have one bird when you can have four?  I'm the queen of overkill...on the page first (except the one at the top left, that one is a packing tape transfer) and then went looking for a quote to fill in the empty spaces.  I really like the quote that I picked, and, maybe it's just me, but I see the traits mentioned in the quote in the birds next to them...like the top left bird looks 'dangerous and noble', the bottom one looks 'light and frolicsome', etc....that was totally unplanned!  I think sometimes my brain formulates plans in the dark recesses and doesn't let me in on it till after the plan is carried out...I call them serendipity, but secretly my brain is toiling away to make those moments happen!  

On a side note, I love that paper on the left page...those zinnias are awesome and I couldn't bear to cover them over too much!  That was one of the pages I added to my SmashBook to make it have enough for 52 spreads...good choice, I think! *pats self on back*

I love that quote from Mary Oliver...one day I am going to do a page about her poem "The Journey"...I LOVE that poem...  My friend Pamikins was right, my pages are never done (in my eyes anyway) until I put words on them!

In other news, I got a new phone with a better camera than my last phone...I was so excited when I saw that picture because the colors are very true and it's so crisp!  I had a problem with color accuracy on my last phone, and then towards the end it started to take hazy looking pictures.  So hooray for the new phone and it's better camera!!!

Now I'm off for the night...possibly to put birds on more things... :)

When I Grow Up

Thanks everybody for all the kind comments from last post.  It was really interesting to me to see how many of you understood exactly where I was coming from.  Sometimes, it's just nice to know we're not alone, isn't it? <3

For today, I've got a page...actually two pages...to share with you from my Journal 52 art journal (you can read more about J52 HERE)  The prompt for this past week was "What did you want to be when you were growing up/what is your dream job?"

I had a hard time with this prompt...I actually had to ask my mom if she could remember what I said I wanted to be!  

I've talked before about the fact that I don't really remember a lot of my childhood.  The funny thing is that I remember odd little things...tiny details...like smells and sounds of specific things.  But for the most part, huge chunks of it don't exist in my memory.  If my family starts talking about something that happened, I can remember more.

I grew up with a very not-nice father.  I think our brains make us forget things we can't handle, and I think that's why I don't have a lot of memories of being a kid.  So when I read the prompt (before I asked my mom if she could remember) "What did you want to be when you grew up?", I could only think of one thing:

"I think I just wanted to be free."

I remember VERY specifically wishing that I could be free.  To be free from my dad's ugliness...to be free from hypocrisy that I saw, even at an early age...to feel free to be a kid and not be afraid of what was going to happen to me if I was 'bad'.  My dad left when I was 16, and I felt very lucky when that happened.  He died a few years ago, and I'm lucky enough, most days, not to hate him anymore, but only pity him.

Freedom is a funny thing, because I don't know that we are ever truly free.  Not often, but sometimes, things my dad said to me when I was little pop into my brain.  

There were a lot of things that he said that don't bother me anymore.  Like being called stupid.  I'm not stupid...I'm actually pretty smart!  It doesn't bother me, because I have proof that he was wrong.  I'm at least smart enough to get myself through life, and who needs to be smarter than that?

But there are other things that I can't seem to shake.  The worst one for me is "No one will ever love you."  And I know that it's not true.  My brain knows that there are a lot of people out there that love me and care about me.  But feeling it, believing it...that's tricky.  Because love is not always a constant thing...once it's there, it can be taken away.  And we can fool ourselves into it and out of it.  And love isn't necessarily reciprocated, sometimes it's one-sided.  And we use the same word for loving food as we do for loving people and we throw around the word like it isn't such a precious thing as it is.  And so love is scary, but we all want it anyway.  We want it so bad it hurts.  And I don't think I'm the only one who feels like that.  I think in the back of a lot of people's minds, there is a tiny mean voice (or sometimes a big booming one) that says 'What if you are just unlovable?'  or 'What if it's a lie?' or 'What if no one loves you ever again?'

I work really hard to squish that lie.  I remind myself that it's a fact that my father was a lying jerk.  I remind myself that even when I don't feel loved, there are people out there just wishing they could make me feel it...even it I'm having a hard time seeing them.  I remind myself that, very importantly...maybe even most importantly, I love myself.  Therefore, at the very least, one person loves me.  And I remind myself that my family loves me...the ones who are my family by blood and my artsy family online too.  And then that mean voice that sounds like my dad shuts the hell up.  As it should.

And so that was my first page...but then I thought, 'Self, you need to have a happy page...you are depressing the crap out of everyone.'  So I texted my mom and asked her if she could remember what it was I dreamed of being when I grew up...

Look it's Baby Sweets!  That is me as a little kiddle, probably five or six years old with my younger sister, Gretchen.  It's really funny, because I couldn't remember what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I remembered what Gretchen wanted to be right away: a 'pay lady'.  For those who don't know (everybody reading this...haha), a 'pay lady' is a cashier.  When we would go to the grocery store, Mom would say "We're ready to go, we just have to pay the lady."  ...and so a cashier became the 'pay lady' to my sister...I think she just wanted to push all the buttons on the register.  For those who are wondering, Gretchen got to live her dream...she was several times in her life so far, a 'pay lady'. 

And mom said that she seemed to recall that I wanted to be a teacher or a writer.  I have absolutely NO recollection of wanting to be a teacher...Mom said I was really young when I wanted to be a teacher.  

But I did remember wanting to be a writer.  That was actually a dream of mine for a long time...I can't believe I didn't think of it!  Books were a big escape for me as a kid.  Mom would have to force me to go outside and play, and even then she'd practically have to frisk me to see if I was hiding a book!  I had a good imagination, and I remember reading things and them being so real to me.  I think that I wanted to be a writer so that I would be able to make up my own stories to live in...

"When I grow up, I want to be a writer." - Amy
I used the picture above as a reference, and I'm a little disappointed in the way it turned out.  Actually it was pretty good as a line drawing, but then I started coloring it in and  I should have just left it alone...  On the positive side, I do like that I used my (non-dominant) left hand to do the writing on the page...it looks like a little kid wrote it, which is what I wanted.

Thanks to the internet and the blog, I get to be a writer now.  In a small way, I get to live my dream...even if it doesn't pay any bills.  :)  I do get very excited when people comment that they like or relate to things I've written here, or when someone compliments something I've said or written in some way.  I started the blog as a way to share my art and to document my progress with that...but somewhere along the way, I started blabbing away and couldn't stop.  These days, a post doesn't feel finished to me until I've given you the story behind the art!  Maybe if my life were more interesting, I could have sold the copyrights by now! :)

So that's what I've got for today...I wanted to be free and I wanted to be a writer (and that, clearly, I was an adorable child...hehehe).  What did you want to be when you grew up?  What about now?  Has your dream job stayed the same, or do you have a different idea of what you want as an adult?  (Mine would be being independently wealthy and not having to have a day job...then I'd just make art and write about it all day long!)

Documented Life Week 3

Despite catching a case of the creeping crud from my husband, I'm still doing good on all my creative commitments...so YAY and Snoopy-style happy dance!  

Today I've got this week's Documented Life spread to share with you.  (You can read more about DL and join in the *free* fun HERE.)  The challenge this week was to use an envelope from your mailbox on your spread in some way.  It occurred to me that I had just used all those Sweet Red Clovers from my care packages last week...and that made me feel like I was secretly ahead of the game...or a trend setter...I'm not sure which...but either way, I told myself "Calm down, big head!" and figure out a different way to use the envelopes this time.  Here's what happened:

Documented Life, Week 3

I used Distress Stains in Tarnished Brass and Victorian Velvet for the page backgrounds.  My envelopes are the middle piece of paper on the left page and the three tiny envelopes from my Anna Banana  (two on the left, one on the right).

Left page close up.  You can see the envelope piece in the middle (the paper that says "Very well, then I contradict myself.")  That envelope and the large paper on the bottom (that was the front of a very sweet thank you card) both came from a friend I met through the KIOS blog-a-thon.  On top of the card front you can see two of the three tiny envelopes made by my friend Anna and sent to me in a care package!

The words on the paper are all lines from "Song of Myself" by Walt Whitman, which you can read HERE in it's lengthy entirety.  I've liked that poem, or specific parts of it at least, since I first read it.  Some people think it's a very egotistical poem, and I can see that viewpoint, but I don't feel that it is...it seems like it is more of a poem about acceptance and empathy to me.  That's how I read it anyway.  

I jumped around the poem and just picked some of the bits I liked and wrote them down in no particular order.

On this page, starting in the top left, it reads "I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable, (and under the card, which flips up it says) I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world."

Then on the papers and inside the envelopes, it says "Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large. (and the quote continues on the next page) I contain multitudes."

The right page close up.  This girl was one I had drawn (but not colored) for 29 Faces...she was my ode to Mucha, who's work I love...  I think I liked her better not colorized, but oh well, she's still pretty either way...and I have a picture of her in uncolored form to remember her by, so it's ok.  I'm happy she's finally in a journal and not floating around my desk anymore.  Also, the background page for this was a piece of scrapbook paper that I added to make enough spreads for 52 weeks...and look at the bottom middle, there's an envelope!  I didn't draw that stuff, and this was just the next page in the DL journal, so I thought it was a funny coincidence that letters were the challenge and I already had a letter on the page!  Crazy!

The Whitman quotes on this page say "no two alike and every one good" (which is just a little phrase/snippet that I really liked) and the last line of the poem, which has always grabbed my attention: "Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged, Missing me one place search another, I stop somewhere waiting for you."

The line "I contain multitudes" is what inspired me to use Whitman quotes on this spread...because I was thinking of all the lovely care packages I've received since starting art journaling...every time I get an envelope, it contains multitudes of creativity, love, and inspiration AND lots of fun stuff for me to get to play with!  I am so grateful to all my artistic friends for the wonderful things they do for me, mentally/emotionally and physically!  You all are fabulous and I smooch your faces (after I'm not contagious...or from afar)! <3

And on that note, I'm off to take some NyQuil and sleep my cold away...

A Documented Life and One Last Lovely Day

Isn't it amazing how much stuff you can get done when you're trying to avoid doing something you don't really want to do?  Well, maybe you are someone who just jumps in and does the boring thing to get it over with...I thought I was too, but it seems that's not entirely true...

A while back, a friend of mine asked me to sew something for her.  I really didn't want to, but I can't say no to her, so I agreed to do it.  At least a month ago, I got all the stuff to make it...and it sat there for various procrastinating 'reasons'.  But this past week, my glorious vacation week, I commanded myself to get it done before I had to go back to work.

So all week long, I avoided the fifteen minutes of time it took me to sew this thing for my friend by devoting a lot of time to things that also 'needed done'.  

It started out with me realizing I needed to clear my sewing desk (the one legitimate task on this whole list) before I could start sewing.  And I couldn't just dramatically sweep the clutter into the floor (which is my normal cleaning technique)...oh no...it was 'a place for everything and everything in its place'...and of course, some things had no home...so I had to make one for them...by cleaning and organizing the other places in the house...you know, so I could put the sewing desk clutter away.

And then we ran out of clean plates, so the dishes needed done.  And since the kitchen was clean, it was the perfect time to make some of those sugar cookies I've been craving for so long now.  And then my husband asked me to make him some banana bread, and how could I deny that?  (full disclosure: I am never swayed by what he wants...normally I'd tell him to make his own dumb banana bread...but I was procrastinating, so I made it...)  ...and then the kitchen needed cleaned up again...

And then, since I have to wear clothes, the laundry needed done before I have to go back to work...all of it...like summer clothes before I could pack them away...and winter clothes that I just hauled out...and then of course why not just wash everything and have it done with?  And that was the perfect time to see if anything didn't fit anymore (by trying on everything) and make a Goodwill bag...

And then since the studio (which included everything...down to sorting the smallest scraps of my ephemera stuff) and the kitchen and the laundry room were clean, the bathroom was the only one left, so I cleaned that too.  And, if you've been reading the blog for a while now, you know how much I don't clean...or don't like to clean...or don't like to even think about cleaning...so you know I was giving sewing project avoidance my all.

And then there was Morning Pages, and art journal stuff, and hanging some art around the house, and blog posts, and reading, and playing with Fusco the drop-off wonder dog...and...and...and...  The list could go on....and on and on...  Finally, I just had to knuckle down and sew.  And, yeah, it took me fifteen minutes...total...cutting, sewing, stuffing...everything, start to finish.  Quick, somebody yell "Shame on you, Sweets!"  

Nah, you don't need to say it, I already feel ashamed of myself...and snookered.  Like I snookered myself...  I mean, this whole time I could have been doing absolutely nothing of any importance and here I cleaned the house and made food and did responsible adult things everyday this week.  WHAT!?!  That's crap-ola... 

Just kidding about the crap-ola part (mostly).  All the stuff I got done did technically need doing...at some point.  Despite my laziness and general not caring about cleaning, I do like it when the house is in good order.  I'd just rather be doing other things...and I have a problem with cleaning up after grown people...I'm looking at you, husband!   ...but, since I bit the bullet and did it anyway, I do have to admit that I feel a certain amount of relief and comfort when the house is tidy.  And honestly, I think it makes me more creative as well.

I've worked on a lot of art this week, and did get several things done (you've seen some of them in the past couple days) and I've got something else to share with you today.

Have you heard about The Documented Life Project?  I bet you have, especially if you're on Pinterest...it seems like I see it every time I check in there...probably because it looks so AWESOME!  

"One part planner plus one part art journal and one part weekly challenge equals an amazing year of organization, inspiration and community."  That's the tagline.  If you want to find out more, or join in the *free* fun, you can find out more HERE and HERE.

This was actually a right place, right time project for me, because I've been wanting to redo that bill calendar I showed you a couple days ago.  The ladies doing this project/challenge are using/suggesting a Moleskine weekly planner, but since I am trying to use what I've got on hand when possible, I decided to convert a K&Company SmashBook that I've had since FOREVER (as in since they first came out...yeah, that's quite a while...).  I think SmashBooks are cool, but for some reason, I'd not been able to force myself to use the ones I've had (I have two...because they are so cool looking!).  Some people struggle with blank pages, I struggle with the thought of ruining already cool pages...but I powered through, and there's no going back now...

Here it is so far:

Look at those tabs!  Hubba hubba!

I put the monthly tabs in for quick reference.  I made them myself from my sweet stash of scrapbook paper...again, something I have (quite a bit of), but hardly ever use...same reason as above: don't ruin something that's already pretty!  I realized that it's better to just use it...they will make more paper...  To make the tabs, I just cut little squares of paper (about 3"x3"), folded them in half, rounded the corners with a corner punch, and used a tape runner to adhere them to the pages.  I wrote in the month names and used some Tim Holtz Idea-ologly Label Letters next to the handwritten.  I don't know how necessary the tabs are, but they just look cool, don't they?

Here's one of the pages.  It turns out that a smash book has enough pages for about 30 weeks (if you are doing each week like a two page spread), so I ended up adding some more pages with scrapbook paper.  I forgot to take a picture of it, but I found that the best way (for me) to add pages was to use some jewelry wire I had, loop it around the spiral binding, and then masking tape the ends to the paper I wanted to add.  Then, to cover the masking tape, I glued (or taped, really, with double-sided tape) scrapbook paper over top.  It was a little bit of a pain, but it worked really well without adding too much bulk.

Like I said above, I did each week of the year as a two page spread.  I drew in the calendar bits myself.  At first, I was being meticulous, with my ruler and accurate measurements and straight lines, but then that got boring and was taking FOREVER, so I just winged it the rest of the way.

As you can see in the picture, I also added monthly calendar pages as tip-ins on the pages where the first of the month landed.  The two pictures above show a tip-in closed and then an open one.  I used scrapbook paper (again) for those, using various washi tapes to adhere them.

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." - C.S. Lewis

This is the first page in the book.  I (washi) taped in two envelopes (one on either side) to the the little vellum advertising page at the beginning of the SmashBook.  I also left on the protective plastic cover thingie that the book comes in (I just cut off the part that goes over the pen/glue stick combo thingie...maybe it's called a SmashPen?), that way my cover will stay neat and clean...I like to reserve covers for the very last so they don't get messed up as I work in the rest of the book.  The clear plastic cover also gives me two pockets for holding various things (like another envelope...that's the yellow you can see peeking  at the top left of the left page).  

And I think that's it for the book so far...we'll just have to wait for the new year to see how the Documented Life Project will work.  I had fun making my little journal/organizer/whatever-you-want-to-call-it book, and I'm proud to say that I used ONLY what I had on hand to make it; I didn't buy one new thing!  That's an ongoing aspiration for me...to use what I have in my stash...so I can have room to buy more things!  I really need to yarn-it-up, because if I could go through my stash of yarn, I'd have A LOT more room...but I digress...

So today is my last lovely day of vacation...it's been wonderful...*sigh of happiness*  I don't want to go back to work tomorrow...*sigh of sadness*  I've decided that I was meant to be a House Frau... but one who doesn't really cook or clean all that much...so maybe Lady of Leisure fits better...  Yeah, definitely that one...  Unfortunately, art supplies are not free, so (hi-ho, hi-ho) it's back to work I go.  I've heard people say they couldn't stay at home all day, because it would be boring, so they work even when they don't have to.  Can I just slap those people?  I make my own fun...as long as I could afford art supplies, I'd be fine.  So if any of those 'bored' people want to switch places with me, that would be awesome.

What about you?  Are you meant to be a House Frau (like I was)?  Or do you prefer to go to work (and if so, can we switch places)?  What about Documented Life?  Have you heard of it?  Are you going to see what it's all about and attempt it with me?  Or do you have other fun projects planned for the new year?

Things of Beauty and Intrigue

I've got a quick page to show you today...

She reminds me of Forest Whitaker...hehehe...  Despite her ptosis (aka lazy eye), I like her quite a lot...especially that head-wrap thing she's got going on...I was inspired by the scrapbook paper (glued at top) for the color scheme, and I'm really happy with how that came together as well.

The lyrics on the page are from "Ugly" by Cold (I love these guys so much...):

I've been on a roll with cleaning and doing laundry and mundane household things since early this morning...I was taking care of business...with speed and agility.  Usually I use my speed and agility to run away from housework, but today I was a responsible adult and did the boring stuff.  Now I'm off to eat midnight Taco Bell as a reward for all my hard work today...

Self-ish

So...I said I wasn't going to do any more 30 day challenge thingies...but I'm not the boss of me (...wait a minute...)...so I shall be doing the Kickin' It Old Skool (KIOS) blog-a-thon.  Maybe I'll last the whole month, maybe not, but in the last post, I talked about wanting to take risks and learn to dive in, so I'm at least going to try...

Don't click the picture...click HERE (for more info)...because I am technologically inept...

The first prompt they had was to do a self-portrait...take a picture of yourself.  A 'selfie'.  Just for the record, that word (selfie) is on my list of terrible words that I hate...not for what it represents, just for the word itself...

Anywho, I was looking through the other ladies posts and have discovered that I'm not the only one who's attitude toward having their picture taken is all BOO.HISS.HISS.  I'm in good company on that front, so yay.

In an effort to steer you clear of looking at my giant melon head, please look at the owls on the wall...or the green girl in the background (that I did for the monochromatic lesson in Pam Carriker's Creating Art At The Speed Of Life book.  I have done several lessons in it...I'll share them eventually...I really need to get back to that book!)...or the horrible wood paneling...or crochet samples...anything but my gigantic melon head...

You've been warned:

Remember: avert your eyes...owls on the wall...green girl in background...inspiration cork board...anything but the girl with the melon head!

I'm so sorry we had to go through that!  But we did it together...and now that it's over, we will never speak of it again...

In order to take your mind off of that horror, please look at this mediocre art journal page:

Sorry I'm so mediocre...but it's better than melon head girl up there...

This page is part of my effort to use up the original art journals I started in...the ones with the less-than-desirable paper.  Not my best page by far, but I do like the colors together...even the pink...*insert shocked gasp here*...I think it's the 'coffee' splotches on the pink paper that make me like it better.  And I totally dig that silhouette washi tape...I've had it for a while, but I never seem to use it.  I don't know why...that's a lie, I hoard the really cool stuff... 

I got that quote off Pinterest, but I messed it up...I think it's supposed to say "You are still hidden somewhere deep in my heart." ...or brain...or foot...I don't know, I can't remember...it was something...but for sure it wasn't soul.  But whatever, soul works too...  It's my art journal, I can misquote if I want to...  That's a lie, you can tell it's irritating the crap out of me...  But also, I'm lazy...and I don't want to un-stick the tag and redo it, so 'soul' will just mean heart/brain/foot/whatever in our heads...

That's all I got for tonight.  I'll be interested to see what tomorrow's prompt will be.  I can promise you this: no more pictures of my melon head...you are welcome in advance...

Till tomorrow...

Circles

I don't know what a psychotic break feels like...but I'm pretty sure I am having one.  I think the fact that I kind of giggled to myself as I wrote that means that it's probably true...but, hey, at least I can laugh about it, right?

I've told you before how I've basically denied all existence of my personal emotions for my entire life.  And then I discovered art journaling.  And all these emotions kind of poured out of me...or exploded out of me really...like Mentos dropped in a bottle of coke...geyser style...

That was a total surprise for me.  I didn't know I had all that stuff locked up inside.  SO MUCH STUFF!  But it felt really great to get it out of my head.  I could feel the weight lifted off my shoulders...it was like I finally breathed out and it made me twenty pounds lighter!  It's been a huge relief.  I think I've been learning to handle it all in a pretty good way...especially since I've never done anything with emotional stuff besides try to suppress it.

But this week, and I think (without knowing it at the time) probably most of last month, aka Crap-tober, I've been having some new-to-me issues.  I've come to realize that, much like everything else in life, some emotions are cyclical.  We don't just feel them, acknowledge them, and move on from them.  Somethings you can do that with...but not everything.  Ugh.  I guess I shouldn't be so bewildered at this, but I am.  Actually, I'm a little shocked about the whole thing.  

I've been thinking a lot about my friend Leonard.  I miss him a lot.  I know I always will.  That's not new knowledge for me.  But these big circle emotions that I seem to be having right now...that's a different kettle of fish.  

I've dealt with the loss of him...carefully.  In a detailed way...maybe that's the right way to say it.  Each time something new came up, I've analyzed it...over-analysis is my specialty...I feel like I've let myself run the gamut of grief.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, ...been there, done that.  I've felt all these things so strongly.  I was...almost proud, I guess...of how I let myself go through all of those stages.  They overlapped, they repeated, they ebbed and flowed and overtook me.  It didn't happen quickly, but eventually I got to a point where I felt like I could breath again.  I thought that was acceptance.  I naively thought I was done with the worst of it.

I've been seeing that's not true.  I've put a spread in Gregg about how I feel:

Repeat.

"This feeling is happening again and again."

"Where does it end?  When does it ever get easier?  Does it ever stop?  Or does it only repeat, repeat, repeat?"

I'm learning that some feelings are big circles.  Like other things in life, they live, they grow weak, they become dormant, they emerge again.  Flowers, butterflies, the seasons...add emotions to the list.  

They aren't exactly the same feelings.  Or at least there are some new ones thrown in the mix.  I'm still sad, I'm still angry, I still don't want it to be true.  But I find that I'm also upset that my memories are fading.  Maybe that is some kind of self-defense mechanism.  We have to lose them, otherwise we'd go crazy...but I can't stand it.  I don't want to forget.

I think it's hard for me because I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel.  I don't know anybody who I can be completely honest with about things...and someone who would understand how I feel.  I think dealing with suicide is different than dealing with other kinds of death.  Not harder, I don't want to say that, because death is always hard to deal with...but it is different.  

With suicide, you not only have to deal with the person being gone, you have to deal with the fact that they chose it.  He wasn't taken from me.  He wasn't stolen from me.  He made the choice and he left on purpose.  

And I blame myself.  In my head, I understand that it wasn't my fault.  But in my heart, I feel like it is.  I can't seem to find a way for my mind to overpower my heart in this matter.  Having to blame myself for not being able to see what was happening...for not being able to stop it from happening...that only adds to the pain of it all.  

I know that letting myself feel what I need to feel is good for me.  I know that talking about it is helping me.  I understand that I'm still learning too.  I know that I'll always miss my friend and that at least a part of me will always hold onto guilt and self-blame.  I know that I just have to learn to not let it overpower my life...maybe that's an ongoing process, not an end game.

I've lost someone I love very dearly.  I don't get him back.  I don't ever get to hear his voice or his laugh ever again.  He doesn't get to know what life had in store for him.  He doesn't get to know that things would have gotten better.  His life is stopped and  mine did too.  

I just want to say that there is ALWAYS another choice.  Talk to someone.  Life is not easy, but there's good to be had.  So long as you're living, you have the power to change your life.  There is always a different way out of a bad situation, and choosing death is not the answer to any problem.  I wish I had shown my friend how much he was loved.  I wish I could tell him I love him and let him know how much he meant to me...how much he will always mean to me.  I don't get to tell him.  He doesn't get to hear it.  We don't get to have a life together now.  Don't take that away from yourself.  Don't take that away from all the people who love you.