A Plan For A Book

I don't know if you are aware, but I have a love for outdated vintage things.  I just want to point out, however, that I'm not some lame hipster that "liked it before it was cool".  Although I did like vintage before it was cool...at least before the whole vintage-is-cool thing cycled back in my lifetime.  I have come to realize that ALL trends are cyclical and therefore, nobody alive now has liked anything 'before it was cool' because everything is a gigantic repeat...  So I both liked vintage before it was cool and did not like it before it was cool at the exact same time.  

Did I just blow your mind with that ramble?  Hehehe...  This is the kind of thinking that goes on in my head all day every day...my brain is very random.  (Yes, it IS exhausting...)  But I digress...

Back to the original point, I love vintage things...of all sorts.  I really enjoy what I call "hideous 70s"...a lot of my favorite things in my house fit into this category.  I don't think they're hideous, I love them, but most people who see these things would say "Yuck!  Look at that hideous 70s *insert name of thing here* ."  I tend to grab what I like and I love that nothing I own matches...it's a big pile of random junk that all happens to make my random brain super happy. 

I also love old pictures...the candid daily life kind especially.  I like to make up funny stories about the people in the pictures and pretend that they are my eccentric extended family.  

I also LOVE books.  All books.  Every book.  Just for being a book.  Especially old books...but really all books... I JUST LOVE BOOKS!  

When I was a little girl, we used to go to the library in the town we lived in (Lisbon, Ohio), which was old and glorious, the Lepper Library (you can read a little history about the library HERE):

Yes...look at the how amazing it is!  I did a google search to see if I could find any pictures of it and I saw this one...(there are more if you want to see it during the day, just google Lepper Library Lisbon Ohio)...This picture does a great job at portraying how extremely magical this place was to me as a child...and how warm my memories of it are as an adult.  I don't have a whole heaping lot of good memories from when I was a kid, but this place is one of my precious few.  I can remember they used to have a gigantic lop-eared bunny named Bookmark that belonged to one of the librarians that stayed at the library during the day and you could pet him!  And I remember this library has THE BEST old book smell of any old book smelling place I have every smelled in my life.  

In part because of the Lepper Library, I have a huge amount of love and respect for all books.  I love them. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

I have wanted to make a book into an art journal for a long time now.  I've seen a lot of different versions of this all around the internet, and really like the way they look.  They are just awesome and I really wanted to start one of my own quite a lot.

So when I was visiting my brother and sister in Ohio and we went to the fabulous Roger's sale (it's a gigantic flea market that is also one of my precious few good memories from when I was a child)...the same day I got my STINKING AWESOME vintage typewriter...and I bought this old book and another one for fifty cents a piece:

I knew to look for a sewn binding and a cover that was in good condition...and so I picked this guy...for fifty cents, a total bargain!

Look at that!  I think it's so neat that people actually know how to do this...or did...I don't know if shorthand is still used in a practical way...maybe it's what court room stenographer people use?  I don't know if she can read this, but I know that my mom knows/knew how to read and write in Gregg shorthand.  I'm not gonna lie...I kind of want to learn it just to say I know how.  But then again, when I think about it, I am a pretty fast writer and my handwriting is so horrifyingly bad that it's basically illegible to others, so I must be very proficient in Sweet's shorthand...

I'm a reasonably fast typer...between 55 and 60 words a minute with 100 percent accuracy...(thank you, thank you, I will be signing autographs after the show... haha)...I value the accuracy over the speed...  at any rate, this book is saying that it wants you to shorthand 70 words per minute!  That's stinking crazy!  As you can see, there are practice letters in the book, so you can increase your speed through diligence.  The best thing is that there are pages of definitions for various industries that required one to know shorthand, including banking and law...but there were also definitions for automotive and aviation as well...just how many mechanics had secretaries taking dictation for them???

So I really love this book...it's been sitting in my studio since I got back from Ohio...I've been looking at it everyday.  I open it up...touch the pages lovingly...stick my nose in the pages and give it a sniff (that's not weird!  I love how old book smell smells!  STOP JUDGING ME!!!)...caress the cover gently...then tenderly lay it down and say 'not today beautiful...not today...'  I just couldn't seem to make myself take action...I know, I know... I have issues...  But I just couldn't hurt the book...until today...when I finally did this:

I kind of wanted to cry when I first started ripping...there may have been a lump in my throat...  I said STOP JUDGING ME!!!  I KNOW it's weird!  I will be keeping these pages to use as well, so they're not going to waste.  I use ALL the buffalo when I kill it...I show it honor and respect in that way.

I just had to make myself do it.  I had bought Gregg, which is what I will be calling this journal from now on, with the sole intention of making him into an art journal.  That's the whole reason I got him!  I HAD TO DO IT GREGG, I'M SORRY!!!  I kind feel like Tom Hanks in "Castaway" when Wilson (the volley ball) gets lost at sea...

"GREGG!!!!  I'M SORRY, GREGG!!!"  *me sobbing hysterically*

But then it was all over and I was on a plane going back to the woman who had moved on because she thought I was dead.  ...oh wait...that was Tom Hanks...

What I did was make this page:

I tried my best to be respectful of Gregg...I am remaking the book with love.  I couldn't bear to cover over the copyright dates (1932, 1938...just think about all the people who touched Gregg in his lifetime!  AMAZING!)  on the left page, so I added in the date I started on remaking him and added my name to the copyrights as well.  In the end, he will be as much mine as he is yours, The Gregg Publishing Company, so deal with it!  I was thinking about how it would be poetic justice for this book to be worth a huge wad of cash if I hadn't started to alter it...it would serve me right for viciously ripping out Gregg's pages...

I used a napkin given to me by my friend Cheryl to create the above page.  I do believe that this was one of the first care packages I ever received, and I hadn't used any of the neat things she sent me!  I was scared to use them because they are so special to me!  But I finally coaxed myself into doing it, realizing that Gregg had sacrificed his old life in order to make me happy, so if I could, I should show him just how much I appreciate it by using things that are special to me to decorate his pages.  Additionally, in M3, one of the Facebook groups I'm in, there's a challenge going on to use things other people have given you in a piece, so this is one of the things I worked on for that challenge.  I really wanted to keep it simple this time, I didn't do a huge amount of altering the napkin, and there's not a whole heaping lot going on...but I REALLY like how it turned out...it looks kind of vintage still and I like that...I feel like it shows respect to Gregg's former life...all that good stuff...

And then again, completely different from the first page in the book and in keeping with my love of random randomness, I thought I would also add some things to Gregg's pages in this manner:

I went a little wild with the washi tape...but I like how this ended up looking quite a bit...She looks even better in real life!   I drew her with a black micron and colored her in with Sharpie poster paint markers...I still really like the poster paint markers much better than the regular Sharpie paint markers...I need to find a white one really badly and see if it's as awesome as the other colors... I am happy I added this gal to Gregg's pages...I believe there will be more of this type of addition in the future...  Perhaps some of my favorite ICAD cards that I don't know what else to do with...maybe a few of my lesser loved Happy Thoughts...the ones that no one shows an interest in...which I do have some more Happy Thoughts ready to be shared, I just need to change my typewriter ribbon so I can get the word parts pasted down...and then we'll have a Happy Thoughts free-for-all again!

I can't wait to put more into Gregg...I have a feeling he's going to be a much different style journal than my others...and I'm pretty excited about that!  

For a while, I was kind of concerned about finding 'my style'.  You know...how you can look at art and just know without a doubt it's by a certain person.  For a while, I wanted that SO BAD!!!  I can't lie, I am still a little jealous of people who have found their niche.  I love to be able to go on the Facebook groups I'm in or be on a blog I love and say "Now that's a classic so-and-so beauty right there!"  But I don't think that will ever be me...and I'm ok with that.  I've come to see that I'm a random person...I like what I like and do whatever comes to mind... and my art journal pages will always probably be just as random as I am.  Maybe I'm wrong, and I do have a style...I know I do faces a lot, but I think they're always too different to be known as 'my style'...  I'm interested in what you all think about that...do you think I have a style?  Can you identify my stuff as mine without knowing it's mine (and if so, how do you know)?  Or am I right and I'm totally random?  I'm interested in what you think about everything, so as always, any comments are appreciated and loved beyond words.    

I'm off now to go find some delicious and healthy food to eat...  Big squishes to you all!

Page at last and icad too

I finally did an art journal page last night.  FINALLY!  From start to finish (thanks to my beloved industrial strength heat gun)!  And, I suppose, technically two pages.  *insert gigantic sigh of relief here*

I decided that I would start to watch some videos for art journaling and see if I could learn some new techniques, be reminded of ones I've not used for a while, and even to see if I saw something that would inspire me to create a brilliant technique of my own.  

So, last night I sat down and queued up Pinterest and started searching...and then ingeniously forgot to pin the video I watched, so I sadly can't share it with you.  When I stumble across that video again, I promise I will put up the link...and I'll remember to pin the video next time so I can share it with you right away!

At any rate, I watched a video (it was a lady who did a Dyan Reavely inspired video, using Dyan's products/style)and then tried to copy what the woman in the video did.  She did some things I didn't/couldn't do (because I didn't have all the supplies she did) and I added in my own touches as well to get the pages to be 'finished' and more my style.  And here they are:

Started off by spaying the page with fresh lime and black marble Dylusions (I notice people using this color combo a lot, and it looks good when they do it, but I HATE it when I try it...)  Then I used one of Dyan's stencils (which I do have, but don't know the name of...it's the one with the flower edge and dots in the middle) and sprayed through it with the same color dylusions as above.  And then I decided (she did not do this in the video) to use some white acrylic paint and went through the stencil with it as well (because the page was VERY dark in places, and I didn't like that.   Then, in the video, the woman uses one of Dyan Reavely's stamps on a separate piece of paper, and then glues it on the page, but I don't have any of her stamps, so I just drew a girl instead, colored her in with Dylusions and pasted her in.  I used postbox red Dylusions sprayed through the same stencil on the left page to tie in with the headband of the girl. Then I used the mini "Mixed Up Alphabet" stencil and traced out the letters on the left page ("You gotta be kidding me"), with Pitt pen and then colored it in with acrylic paints in yellow and in turquoise to try to tie in the girl a little better...she was sticking out like a sore thumb pretty badly.  Then I took some black acrylic paint and added in the words on the right page ("Can I just be over it now?") because there was too much white going on.  Then I added the dots with turquoise and black acrylic in some random places, outlined some stuff as well.  I used black faux-latos around the girl and then a sparkly peachy one to color in her face a little more (it was a VERY stark white before)...then I took that same sparkly peach and went over the whole page randomly.  And then it was bedtime!

I also got my ICADS done for yesterday and today, just didn't have time to share them.  Both are on 3x5 cards.

This is the one for the 19th, the prompt was 'summer':

I saw a picture of this on Pinterest, and it had these really bright awesome super saturated colors, and I thought that looked pretty summery, so I tried to recreate it on a card.  I REALLY LOVE how the colors look on this.  (Used watercolor and Pitt pen)

And here's today's card, with the prompt of 'poem'

:

"Faces of other people follow me around the room."  This is acrylic paint and then I glued down some faces I made using paperclay (the blueish white ones) and Martha Stewart Crafter's Clay (the purple ones).  I painted their eyes, lips, and cheeks with acrylic.  The poem this is from is below in it's entirety.  I wrote it and it's a double alphabet poem, minus the letter 'x', because there are just not that many 'x' words out there to use...  I always end up cheating and using words that sound like 'x' at the beginning...extreme, extra, etc.

"The Firing Synapses"

And you will always

Be with me, beloved.

Closed eyes call and you answer in 

Dreams that keep you dear to me, 

Ever in my thoughts, even where you shouldn't be.

Faces of other people follow me around the room.

Giddy laughter covers the gloom in me.

Half of my life rots with you, hallow in the grave.

Indecision corrodes the rest.  If only you had not...

Justice, however, won't be served and I'm always jolted back.

Killing me slowly, they keep it up.

Love, they never seem to let me alone.

My memories of you are constantly interrupted,

Not by anything I care for, nothing important,

Only for the sake of this half life I lead.  This open wound

Pouring, barely enough left to keep me going.  Nothing easing the pain.

Quietly, life drains out of me...quick enough I suppose.

Ready or not, when the time comes, you can't resist.

Sometimes I wonder where you are now.  Sickly

thoughts try to make sense of it.

Useless.  I know I will never understand

while I still breath, while I still think, 

exactly what happens, what to expect.

You yearn to know or else try to forget the question.

Zapping your brain, the synapses zero in or else try to disconnect.

So there you have it...if you'd like to read more of my poetry (some is pretty decent, I swear!) you can check it out HERE.

The Face and the Camera

Another one from the br sketchbook today...  

I like this one so much.  She reminds me of an actress, who's name I can't think of for the life of me...if you think you know who I'm talking about, could you tell me who you think it is, because it is KILLING me!

"She was so wise to the ways of the world.  No one could hurt her now."  The lettering was my poor attempt at sketchy graffiti...I don't know how well that comes across (not at all...).  But, I do love this face so much.  I don't even want to color her in, and you know that is NOT like me!  I think she is fabulous just as she is...

And, of course, we've got the ICAD card today as well.  The prompt today was "camera" and this is on a 3x5 card:

"There are always two people in every picture, the photographer and the viewer"
-Ansel Adams

I am super happy with the way this turned out.  I love that only parts of it are colored in, and the camera strap makes me squeal with delight.  I love how it turned out.  And that quote...oh, that quote!  

I think all arts are like that, don't you?  Two people in every work of art...the artist, who pours themselves into their work, and the person looking at the art, who sees their own meaning in it.  I really think that no two people ever see the same thing when they look at a work of art, because we each view it under the influence of our own life, shaded by our own experiences.  

Isn't it interesting that we, as humans, are made up of all the same basic bits and pieces as any other human, and yet there is so much variation?  

She's a Freak

I've been thinking about the things that make us individuals...you know, our little quirks...the things we do that make us seem a bit strange to other people.  

I, for one, find these traits/habits/weirdnesses to be extremely interesting.  I love the details that make one person different from another.  I guess, in my head, if you just pay attention, these little funky things are like having a secret insight into someone else.  

For instance, my husband has this thing he does when he gets frustrated...he takes his hat (he's never without his ball cap) on and off repeatedly...not all the way...just up, down, up, down...  And when he's REALLY mad, he takes off his hat and rubs his hand across his forehead so hard you would swear he was trying to take the skin off.  Why does he do it?  I have no clue, and that's what makes it interesting to me.

Or a friend of mine at work has a desk full of ducks...why ducks?  Actually, I know why in this case: I work at a factory where they make fans, heaters, thermostats, ect.  One of the things we make are duct heaters, and my friend is the one who always prints and keys these duct orders in and so somebody started calling her the duck lady (same issue with duct tape...duct tape, duck tape...everybody calls it duck tape) and got her a duck...and then people just assumed she liked ducks, so they kept getting her more of them and now she's got a desk full of ducks.  Even when I know the why behind these weird things, they still interest me.

If quirks are what make us interesting, I think I must be the most interesting person in the world.  (Not really...)  I do have a lot of quirks though...for instance:

• I am a multiple sneeze person.  I sneeze six times in a row.  If I ever sneeze less than six times, it will be just once, and this is how I know I am getting sick.  Multiple sneezes are completely normal, but if I sneeze only once, it's time to stock up on Kleenex and orange juice.
• I have a large collection of various turtle things (even a tattoo of a turtle).  I collect turtle things because my mom has called me Turtle ever since I can remember.  She says when I was a kid, it was like I did everything in slow motion...so she started calling me Turtle.  My turtle tattoo is the equivalent of the heart with 'Mom' inside of it.
• I never cry...I mean very rarely...not even when people die...I'm just not a cryer...  However, if you make me watch Dumbo, I will ball my eyes out when Dumbo's mother is in the 'mad elephant' cage and she sticks her trunk out through the bars and rocks Dumbo and that darn "mother's love their babies" song is playing in the background...I swear I get misty just thinking about it.  
• I hate bananas, but I like banana flavored things.  Banana popsicle, banana snack cakes, banana Runts (the best flavor Runt of all!)...love 'em...actual bananas, puke city.
• I hate the following words: moist (don't ever call cake moist in front of me...that is a cake I will not be eating), whimsical (maybe from overuse?  ...I don't know, but it irritates me when I hear that word), panties (grossest. word. ever.  I call them underpants...much less gross, slightly comical, better option by far) , bling ( I might use this word occasionally, but not if I can help it...I like sparkly...or shiny...or shimmery... anything but bling) and vagina (ew.  Who names this stuff?  I go with 'lady parts'...  I'm perfectly fine with penis...I usually say wiener, but I'm ok with penis.  But vagina...that's just a terrible word...I'm so happy my name is not Gina for this exact reason...although if you pronounced vagina like you pronounced Gina, I think I'd feel better about the word.  'I wear underpants to cover my va-Gina...'  Ok, that's hilarious...I'm going to be calling it a va-Gina from now on...at least on occasion when 'lady parts' just won't cut it...

What got me thinking about quirks was the fact that I also have the weird habit of drawing when I'm in the bathroom.  I used to read, but anymore, I've been mostly drawing instead.  Which is weird in and of itself, but if you include the fact that the bathroom sketchbook is huge, it adds to the strangeness...  And then, I have the best ideas in the bathroom.  I hate to think of all the great ideas that have been lost to me because I resisted putting a sketchbook in the bathroom for so long...but NEVER again will my bathroom ideas be denied...  

The sketch for today is in my bathroom sketchbook (hereafter known as the br sketchbook):

I use pen or sharpie in the br sketchbook...the br is no place for erasers...it's a place for brilliant ideas jotted quickly.  So I use pen and if I like something, I try to make a more polished version in one of my art journals or, in the case of today, an ICAD card.

Here's the ICAD card based on the above quick sketch.  It's 3x5, colored with watercolor:

I actually like the original sketch better than this.  I think the white face is what's throwing me the most...I'm not sure...  But I do like the nose quite a bit...on the ICAD card and the original as well.  There may be another incarnation of this attempted in one of my art journals at some point, because I REALLY like the idea of/thought behind the page.  In case you are wondering, the quote comes from the John Butler Trio song below.

So there you have it...now that you know about a couple of my weird little things that make us the entire weirdness that is me, I'd love to know yours!  What are some things that make you who you are?

ICAD, June 11: Ivy

Not much time, but I did get today's ICAD card done!  

The prompt was 'ivy' and I did this on a 3x5 card:

I keep looking at it thinking "that's not ivy", because in my head, ivy is English Ivy...but there ARE other kinds of ivy besides the English version...so shut up brain, this is ivy too!!!

If nothing else, ICAD is teaching me how to work in smaller spaces...I feel like I am getting better at the smaller format!  This is awesome, because it's one of my goals...when ICAD is over with, I am going to take the next step towards tiny and start practicing ATCs!  I'm taking baby steps...shrinking baby steps!

ICAD DAY 7

Another quick one today...

Today's theme's are "paisley" and the bonus them is "calligraphy".

I only did one card with the paisley theme, a 4x6:

I thought I would try to use stamps as hair, but I think I should have overlapped the stamps...maybe that would have been more hair-like in my eyes...  on the positive side, I do love these stamps (the biggest paisley one is my favorite stamp, because look at the flower...it's a red clover (at least in my eyes)!!!) and I use them so rarely it's a crime!  I used crayola 'super tips' markers to color most of it in...I do like how her bottom lip turned out...it looks pretty good.  I chalk the rest of her up as a loss...or a lesson learned...

I did several cards with the calligraphy theme.  The first 3 are 4x6, the last one is 3x5:

Actual calligraphy...or at least as close as I can get...maybe it should be 'done with an actual calligraphy pen' instead...

Again, this was done with an actual calligraphy pen.  I like the 'L' in 'Look'... 'L' is my favorite letter to draw, because it's the only one that looks right to me...

These last two were done using the tutorial found HERE.  I like how they turned out so much that I should really start using this technique in my quotes in my art journal!

"Eyes tell lies."  I think I am going to add some stuff into this one...maybe color it in too.  I like that it's stretched across the page, dividing it into two separate spaces.  I think something interesting could be done with that...

And the only 3x5 in the group...  This is the card that made me think I should use the faux calligraphy in my art journals.  I like the 'S' in 'Sweet' and pretty much the whole of 'Clover', with the exception of the curlicue on the end of the 'r'...I don't care for it so much.

What's Going On In There and ICAD Day 1

Here's my most recent page, drawing done in colored pencils only, journaling in Souffle and Pitt Pens:

 

"Some changes happen deep down inside of you.  And the truth is, only you know about them." - Judy Blume

I'm always curious to know how other people view things.  I sometimes have the strongest desire to be able to see life out of someone else's eyes.  Not because I want to be that person, but because I think people are so interesting.  I guess I could make a poor comparison to Jane Goodall and her relationship with primates.  I mean this in that I sometimes feel like an outsider looking in on something I know I'll never really be a part of with extreme fascination.  I want to know what motivates people, what makes them the way they are as individuals.  I wonder why I notice certain things that other people don't and vise versa.  I guess that's what I was thinking about when I did this page.

I've been excitedly waiting for ICAD to start since I first heard about it.  ICAD is a challenge to create something on an index card each day.  You can learn more about it HERE.  The idea of doing something creative everyday appealed to me quite a bit, especially so that I could practice things without the pressure of making something 'pretty'...if it turns out horribly, who cares?  It's just an index card!  And if it turns out well, then I can paste it in my art journal or try to recreate it on a page.

As usual, I was an overachiever and did two index cards.  One is 3x5 and one is 4x6.  There are optional prompts for each day over on the website, and the first day's prompt was "zebra".  Here's what I came up with.

    

First the 3x5:

I have just discovered She & Him, and have been obsessively listening to their "Volume 3" album on Spotify.  I also got myself a little present in the form of some Faber-Castell Gelatos, which is what I did for the background, with watercolor for the lettering...I tried Sharpie too (you can see it underneath the watercolor in some places), but either Sharpie and Gelatos don't mix or my Sharpie has reached the end of it's days...

And here's the 4x6:

I put some blue gelato around the edges of this and then drew the zebra in the middle.  But I gave the zebra a gorgeous horse mane...which zebra's don't have...they have spiky hair...so I scrubbed some black watercolor over it in an effort to 'fix' my 'mistake', and I actually think it's super neat how the color of the gelato comes through the watercolor.  I also really like how the face markings came out...it kind of looks like a horse with a really awesome tatoo... 

Countdown, Day 7: And now, what NOT to do...

Last day!  I am so proud I made it this far!  I didn't think I'd be able to do it, but here we are!  Woo Hoo!!!

With yesterday's page being about what I wanted to be like, I thought it would be good to think about what I don't want to be like.  I came up with a lot of good attributes yesterday.  I only came up with 10 things to avoid, but boy, do they encompass a lot! 

So here you go, my list of things to AVOID AT ALL COSTS:

Black white and red only...I like that it's so different from yesterday's light and airy page...this one looks HEAVY.

1. Insecurity- You ARE enough.  Who doesn't struggle with this from time to time?  I am tired of it.  I am enough, and if there's something I don't like about myself, I can change it.  No need to obsess about it any more.

2. Being petty- There will be bigger fish to fry.  In other words, don't sweat the small stuff and don't make the small stuff bigger than it is.  Be honest, is it really that important?  Sometimes we need to 'take a step back and admit we're being ridiculous'. (I saw that quote on pinterest.)

3. Debt- It will stress you out.  Save your money; pay with cash.  Patience is tied into this too.  We live in a 'need it now' world.  It's easy to fall into the trap.  But there will never be ANY material possession that is worth the headache and anxiety caused by giving up financial freedom.  I wish I didn't have to learn this the hard way.  If I ever get out of debt, I will never let myself get sucked back in!

4. Worry- If you can fix it, fix it.  If not, what's the point in worrying?  I used to be so good at being carefree.   Now I worry about scenarios that haven't happened and probably never will happen.  There's a saying: worrying is like a rocking chair, it keeps you busy but you don't get anywhere.  I don't know what changed in me that made me be a worry wart, but I am going to work on changing it back.  

5. Blame- Did they hold a gun to your head?  If not, you had a part.  I am the one who makes the decisions, I am the one who will live with the consequences.  I can say yes and I can say no and blame is pointless.  It doesn't matter who's fault something is, the result is still the same.  It's much wiser to spend time fixing the problem than pointing the finger.

6. Transference- This person is NOT that person.  Don't act as if they were.  (You can read more about transference HERE and HERE)  Just because people act similarly, it doesn't make them the same person.  When a good friend of mine passed away, I found myself actively looking for someone who was like him, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that;  I loved my friend very much and valued his qualities.  I DO want to find those positive traits in others.  The problem happened when I started looking, not for someone like him, but for HIM.  People are individuals, no two are the same.  It's not fair to yourself or the other person to project your emotions onto that person, in effect, making them something they are not and can not be.  If you love someone, love THAT person.  If you angry at someone, be angry at THAT person.    Don't push those feelings (good or bad) onto an undeserving third party.

7. Regret- You can't change it, you can only learn from it and move on.  Being regretful isn't all bad, don't get me wrong.  Having regrets means that we made a mistake and that we recognize it; we have a conscience. But it's very easy to become mired in regret.  Bad things happen.  Some we cause, others not.  We don't get to live life in reverse.  No matter how bad we wish it were otherwise, all a person can do is avoid repeating the mistake.  If we keep living in the past, what's happening now will pass by without us even knowing it.  We only get one go round, let's not waste it by only looking backwards.

8. Can't- Can't never did nothing.  Try.  Try harder.  Keep trying.  When I was a little girl, my mother used to say that to me all the time: "Can't never did nothing."  Oh my goodness, how annoying (and grammatically incorrect) it was.  But I'm older and a little wiser now, and not too proud to say that my mom was right (although it's still bad grammar) .  You can do practically anything you can think of.  You might not be able to do it well, but you can still try.  And if you aren't happy, you try harder and keep trying until you are happy.  I feel like my creative endeavors are a good example of this.  There was a time when I thought I couldn't make art.  But I put my pencil to the paper and found that I could make a mark.  It wasn't good or pretty, but it was a mark on a page and it was a start.  I kept trying and, lo and behold, I am making art. It might not be the most beautiful art in the world, but I'm getting better and better.  Can't stops us in our tracks.  There isn't a limit to what we can do if we try and keep trying.

9.  Hate- Look for their motives.  Pity the stupidity.  Remember: Free Will.  Life is short and I don't want to waste time.  People are going to do stupid things, but hating them is a waste of time.  Hatred clamps down on your brain so hard that you can't seem to shake it.  It really is a shame that some people have to act the way they do.  Hating them for the it, though, is not productive.  I've decided to start looking for the motives a person has for doing things or acting a certain way.  Sometimes there is a relatively valid reason, other times it is pure stupidity in my eyes.  But (and that's a big BUT) everybody has free will, each person has the intrinsic right to do as they see fit.  Walt Whitman said "dismiss what insults your own soul".  I find that if I can pity someone, if I can feel sorry for them over what they do or how they act, then I can do just that: let go of it and move on to better things.

10. Being trendy- Why be them when you can be you?  ...did anyone really ever look good in parachute pants?  Perhaps a better way to put this is "Why be a copy when you can be an original?"  The world would be a boring place if everybody was the same.  Our flaws are what make us human.  Our quirks are what make us interesting.  I've been spending a lot of time thinking about this subject lately.  I've been analyzing myself, not with the intention to fit in NOR with the intention to stand out, but with the intention to be someone I can be proud of.  There are many people I admire, who have certain qualities I would like to possess, but I do not want to be those people; what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another person.  I want to use the good things as 'ingredients'.  I want to take those admirable qualities and my own harmless oddness and mesh them together and make something separate from, and hopefully better than, the pieces I started out with.  I don't want to be anybody else; what I DO want is to be the best version of me.

Countdown, Day 6: When I Grow Up

Day 6 of the countdown...almost there!!!

Since Day 2's post (you can read it here), and really a lot of the posts lately are along the same lines, I've been thinking a lot.  I mentioned that I am having a slight identity crisis.  I've been a good faker for a long time.  

So I decided to start thinking of words that describe what I want to be.  At first, I thought I was going to have a hard time, but once I got going it was hard to stop!  I think I could still be writing if I had more room on the page:

When I grow up I will be...

I had a fun time playing around with different lettering (which is something I want to get better at).  I really like the "when I grow up I will be" and the "happy"...it's meant to look like a little kid's handwriting.  I just wrote it with my left hand (I write right handed normally).  I think I like that the best.  

One good thing about my 'wish' list above is that I am already some of these things!  So that makes me happy...

Other things on my list are going to require a lot of work!  I'm at a good starting point, I think.  I'm ready for a change, and I'm willing to put forth the effort to try to make these positive traits my own.  

I made this the 'when I grow up' list, because right now I feel a little unsure and a little naive, just like the shy little girl I drew.  I know that there will be challenges and a lot to learn.  But instead of being cynical and pessimistic, I'm going to approach it with the unadulterated enthusiasm of youth.  So look out world...I've got my crayons and I'm on a mission!

Countdown, Day 3: The Gardener

Day #3 of the countdown to 30.  

I was thinking all day about how disgruntled yesterday's post seemed.  That's a good word for it, I think.  That's just how I felt, too.  No apologies!  But I don't want that to be a major theme of my personality.  I'm happy I got it out, because now there's room for different feelings.  

It's good to see that I do have some kinds of real feelings, even if they're not the ones I want.  I'm trying not to let myself push that negative feeling down completely.  If I feel negative, I want to understand why I'm feeling that way.  If I can figure out where the negative stuff comes from, then I can start to eliminate the cause.  Once the negative stuff is understood and discarded, there will be more room for positive things.

With that in mind, here's today's page:

The journaling says: "I'm not sure what they are yet...it's quite possible they're weeds.  But I won't know till they get a little bigger.  So I'm just gonna water them and watch them grow.  And if, in the end, they're no good, I'll uproot them, toss them aside and start over.  No harm done.  It's just gonna take time and elbow grease, and that's ok.  I need the practice anyway, I think.  I need to relearn how to care, then I'll be ready for the good stuff."

So I've decided I'm like a new gardener...a brain gardener.  I don't quite know what's a weed (stuff that shouldn't be there) and what's a flower (the positive stuff), because these thoughts and feelings are so small that it's practically impossible to tell!  But if I work at it, if I take the time to care for them, eventually they're going to grow.  Then I'll be able to differentiate between the two.  Then I'll pull out the weeds and cultivate the good stuff.  In theory, it's simple enough, right?  

I know it will take time and hard work on my part.  Right now, in my head, it's like a chaotic desert with a bunch of tumbleweeds swirling around, littering the landscape, and not much else happening.  But eventually, I'm going to have a garden...a place of peace and beauty and serenity.  Won't that be nice?

Sehnsucht and The Big What-ifs

Despite the fact that I feel like I haven't accomplished much in the past week or so, I feel like I've been extremely busy!  Don't you just hate that feeling of hurrying and rushing but not actually getting anywhere?  I have been feeling like that all week!  I hate it; it's a yucky feeling for sure.  I much prefer the feeling of relaxed, peaceful working, that doesn't feel like work, but when you look up you realize you've gotten so much done!  I'm looking forward to feeling that way again...and soon, I hope!

Yesterday, I had a lazy day, where I did absolutely nothing but sleep and watch t.v. and lounge about.  I am not normally one to enjoy days like that, and I generally find t.v. pretty mind-numbing, but I have to say, I was ok with it yesterday.  I guess every great once in a while days like that are good.

This morning I got up with a little more vigor and washed some clothes and the dishes and swept the floor.  Then that was enough of cleaning, and I moved on to the much more enjoyable work of art journaling.  I love  making art so much, I don't think it's even fair to call it work!  But I digress...  

I've been working on this page for a while now, trying to get it right...  It's in my little scrappy pocket calendar book that I made.  I know I said that I was going to toss it in my purse and use it for on-the-go sketching, but I was wrong...  I just felt the need to get something into it, before I tossed it into my purse.  So in the end, it may still end up in my purse...or it may end up on my desk and I'll have to find another tiny book for on-the-go sketching...  At any rate, here's the page:

The journaling part says: " Sehnsucht...  And so I sit here alone, missing things that once were, almost, almost crying for possibilities that existed which exist no more, longing to know what could have been but never will be.  If I were braver, I would cry out: 'What have I done?  What have I ever done?' but I'm not, so all I do is silently sit here thinking of sad things that are and happy things that cannot be."

I saw that word "sehnsucht" on Pinterest, and googled it.  It's supposed to be a German word, which doesn't really have an exact English translation, but conveys the feeling of an intense longing  for a person or place no longer in our life or a longing for 'we know not what'.  When I read that, it made me think of all the what-ifs in life.  What if I chose this thing instead of that thing, how would my life be different?  

I wonder if I am the only person who does this...while at the same time, I'm sure I'm not.  It must be something in our nature that makes us question things in this way.  It's an inherent quality in this type of daydream that we will always view these thoughts through rose-colored glasses...the thought of it will be a perfect scenario, if it were real, it could never be like it is in the mind, because nothing in life is ever perfect.  In our heads, it can be perfect and beautiful and that must be why we have such an intense desire for these people and places.  But if we had chosen B instead of A, we'd probably still be daydreaming about the converse.

I think probably everybody has one big 'what-if' in their life, the one that eclipses all the other what-ifs.  I know I do.  When I get down about it, when I really struggle with it, I try to remember that I do picture things in my head much more softly than they would have been in reality.  There are no hard edges in my daydreams, but, had those daydreams been real, who knows how many gashes and bruises those actions would have caused.  And like the lyrics in the song below say, "the grass is greener, but just as hard to mow."

Mail Art Goodness!

Oh Happy Day!!!  I got some lovely mail art yesterday!  Happy, happy, joy, joy!  I am doing the dance of happiness!  It mostly involves me frolicking around the house like an idiot...but an idiot who's REALLY happy, and that's what counts! 

First, I will show you this loveliness from fabulous Denise in Canada, the front of the envelope:

The feathers were inside of the envelope too!  Can I just say that when I stuck my finger in the flap and felt those feathers, I had an almost-peed-my-pants moment of "What the crap am I touching?!?"  I was very relieved when I saw the feathers!  I can't wait to use them!

The back of the envelope:

I love those Stamps!  Such neat touches!  

And what was inside the envelope (besides the feathers that scared the crap out of me!):

I love her SO much!  She's even better in real life!!!  Everything about this piece is fabulous and amazing!  I love that the lyrics showing in the sheet music say "hours away; passing too."  I don't know why, but that made me so happy when I saw it!  Thank you, Denise!  

And then, from the wonderful Jana all the way in Sweden:

The envelope:

Aren't those stamps THE COOLEST EVER?!? (I wish we had cool stamps like that...or that I would remember to ask if the post office has cool stamps...)  I love her envelope too!  I will tell you about the pink paper below...

What was in the envelope:

There were many goodies in the envelope, including a tea filter (on the right), a beautiful Swedish smile  at the top, a beautiful leftover piece from where she made the envelope (I REALLY like this piece, and I wonder what it says! ...that will be a great mystery...I will have to ask Jana...the suspense is killing me!) and the neat pink paper. The pink paper is some that Jana had dyed with beet juice!  Isn't that so cool?  I can't wait to use all of these awesome things!

Also in the envelope was:

An awesome kitty for me!  I love it!!!

And this:

An original artwork by Jana!  I loved this piece when I saw it on her website, and I didn't think it was possible, but I love it even more now that I've seen it in real life!  Thank you, Jana!

I wish I was a better photographer so that you could see how totally awesome all my lovely mail art goodies really are!  Ooh, I also have to say before I forget, that both Denise and Jana have THE BEST handwriting ever!  I was reading over the notes they had included and was possibly drooling in jealousy of how beautiful both ladies handwriting is!  

I can't wait to display my lovely art on the wall of my craft room so that I can look at it every day and get the same squishy happy feeling I have now each time I see it!  Thank you ladies so, so much!  You made my whole weekend better!

This is my face...deal with it..

I got to do a really fun set of prompts for my most recent journal page: black & white, self-portrait  and favorite quote or saying.  My love of faces is well documented, so I was excited to get to do another one.  A lot of my recent posts have been me being pretty introspective, so a self-portrait prompt seemed to fit right in with my narcissism!  

I tried to find a good picture, but then remembered I am the most non-photogenic person in the entire world...so I changed the plan and tried to find a decent picture instead...the goal was much more realistic at that point...  Here's the one I ended up picking:

My blurry picture...pay no attention to the mess in the background...it's an illusion...

If you ignore the blurriness of it, this is probably the best picture I've taken in the past 5 or 10 years...seriously...  Most.Non-photogenic.Person.Ever.  It's not a joke people.  Aside from being a decent picture, the other/main reason I picked this one is because it shows the highlights and shading really distinctly.  Thank you, blurry cell phone picture!  You've made my task infinitely more easy!

After all the blabbing to get to this point, here's the page:

My self-portrait...not perfect, but good (enough)

Not too shabby...  Not perfect (I'm looking at you forehead that I made too low!  And you, nose that should be bigger!), but pretty good.  Now that I've taken the picture (thus completing my contractual obligations to the prompts), I'm totally going to colorize this page (with my watercolors, I do believe).  I think that will help to make the page look a little more like me...or at least that's my hope...

As I was in the middle of drawing my face, I realized how little attention I actually pay to my own face.  I mean, I see it every day...I look in the mirror, you know, to make sure I don't have a booger hanging around or something stuck in my teeth and the like, but I don't think I've ever really made a close examination of it before.  I think it's an odd thing to live with yourself all your life and not really know your own details.

I've come to understand that I don't have much knowledge of myself.  I don't really have an awareness of my own opinions on things, or if I do, I don't generally make them known.  I push them to the back-burner.  I suppose it's never been important to me before.  Maybe I'm having an early mid-life crisis, but I have the sudden compelling desire to figure out what it is that I want, who it is that I am (if I was wealthy, or not tied down, or more adventurous, this would be the point where I backpack across Europe...), not the person that I show other people...  I'm well acquainted with that version of me.  I'm longing to get to know the one on the inside...the one I'd be if I wasn't so worried about the thoughts and opinions of others, because let's face it, the one I pretend to be is mostly made up of things I think other people want me to be.  I want to start paying attention to my thoughts and feelings a little better and then let that girl out...I don't want to say the 'real' me, because in the end both versions are technically real...the way a character in a book or play or a movie is real...but I want to quit playing the part.  I want to see who I am when the curtain comes down and there's no audience judging my performance.

Isn't it funny how the mind connects things?  One little blurry picture at the right time spurs a huge idea.  And one huge idea has the potential to slowly bring about change and to set something free that's been locked away for far too long.  

To be honest, I'm exhausted...it's not an easy job to hold up a mask all the time.  And it's even harder to let yourself take off the mask and examine what's behind it...and it's scary too.  Truth is scary.  Change is scary.  If, as John Wayne said, courage is being afraid and saddling up anyway, then I'm feeling pretty courageous right now.  For the first time in a long time, maybe for the first time ever, I'm feeling powerful.  

Magenta Doodle Numbers

Hehehe...that post title sounds like I have some sort of Tourette Syndrome.  But no...it's the prompt for today's pages!  I may have some sort of Tourette's, I think people call it Verbal Diarrhea, but I don't think that's a diagnosable disease at this point.  And really, when they finally do make it an actual medical condition, they'll have a better name than Verbal Diarrhea...at least I hope so.  Because who would want to have to tell other people "It's not my fault...I have VD."  Yeah, that would be awkward.  But I digress...and offer you pretty pictures to make you forget about my VD. Hehehe...

Magenta, doodle, numbers prompt #1:

I really like the bottom...the top...meh, it's ok.

I wish I would have just continued the flowers all the way to the top, but the great thing about art is that you can have as many do-overs as you want...so that flowers to the top thing will happen soon!  Apart from that, I've been pondering my impending old lady-hood...the big 3-0...  

When I was a kid, I always thought there'd be some sort of turning point...something would click in my head, and suddenly I'd feel like I was an adult.  But that hasn't happened yet...maybe it never will...maybe that's a good thing, I don't know.  Sometimes I feel like I'm a plant that keeps growing and growing, but for some reason never blooms...I keep waiting...  And waiting...  And waiting...  I'm starting to wonder if I'm just some kind of dumb plant that will only ever have leaves and never flower!  

That sounds really depressing, but I don't mean it that way.  I'm still growing at least.  I've got some things figured out, or at least much more so than when I was younger.  I'm much more comfortable in my own skin...it's not perfect, but it's mine.  I press ever forward and all that jazz!  

I guess I'm not really a non-flowering dumb plant...I'm more like the tulips in my yard.  All this week I've been looking at them.  Every day I said to myself "I bet those are going to bloom this week."  And they didn't...and they didn't...and they didn't...and I started to have my doubts.  Then finally this morning, I walked out of the house to go to work, and was accosted by yellow and orange!  All at once, full on colorful fabulousness!  And maybe that's what I'm like.  I'll bloom out eventually, I just need a little more patience.

In the mean time, I'll keep doing my thing, as described in my other page for today:

There was a little girl ,who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. And when she was good, she was very, very good.  And when she was bad, she was horrid.