Monday, May 13, 2013

Countdown, Day 2: I'm just tired.

Day #2 of the countdown to 30.  I've been pretty busy with the mundane things in life.  There hasn't been a lot of time for art the past couple weeks.  Or, not my version of 'a lot' anyway.  I like to do something creative every day and that hasn't been happening.  It's partially what spurred my need for the countdown to 30.  The countdown is giving me a good excuse to make sure I'm creative each day (at least for a week).  

I've been feeling extraordinarily frazzled lately.  It seems like I'm running around and around on a little hamster wheel and just not getting anywhere.  Despite what this blog makes me seem like, I don't go around in my daily life expressing my feelings with ease.  I am a fabulous bottler.  I bottle up emotions, hopes, dreams, thoughts...anything and everything.  This is a skill I learned really early on in life.  I found out that there are bad people out there, who will use all that stuff against you.  And so, I learned to hide it and made a great mask of smiling and being funny and being happy.  I've been wearing that face for a long time.  

Lately though, my mask has been starting to break down.  People have started to ask me if I'm ok.  And I find myself saying I'm just tired.  And that's the truth and a lie in the same sentence.  I am tired.  Physically, a little.  Mentally and emotionally, I'm exhausted.  I've been keeping myself hidden for so long that I find even I don't know my real self anymore.  I kept pushing myself down underneath all the fake stuff so much, that I don't know what I want.  I'm sad and I don't know how to let myself cry.  I'm angry and I don't know how to express it.  When I'm happy, I don't know if I'm happy or if I'm still just faking it.  I can't tell anymore.  

With that in mind, here's the journal page I made:

I'm just tired...really, I'm ok.

I've been getting asked if I'm nervous to turn 30.  Will it be hard for me?  Do I dread it?  My husband turned 30 last year, and he's thoroughly convinced it's all been downhill for him since then.  

But honestly, I'm not worried about it.  

For one thing, I work in an office where I am the baby of the group.  The next youngest in age is twelve or thirteen years older than me.  The oldest is a couple years away from 70.  Working with these ladies, I know that I'm still a pup!  With any amount of luck, my life isn't even half over yet.  For another thing, I know that age is nothing but a number.  It doesn't matter how old you are, it's how old you feel.  And mostly, I feel like a little kid who's still waiting to be an adult.  That worries me more, I think.

I said earlier in this post that as a kid I learned not to show my true self because people would use it against me.  Well now, at (almost) 30, it's time for a new lesson.  The lesson now is that people can only use it against you if you let them.  The only power other people's opinions have is the power that you give them.  I'm almost 30.  You know who's opinion should matter to me?  Mine.  Finally.  Finally, my opinion should matter.  I've got a lot of catching up to do.  I've squelched my personal thoughts for so long that I barely remember I had them in the first place.  But slowly, slowly, slowly, I'm going to work on revitalizing myself.  I am going to work hard to let who I am and how I think and feel be made known, first to myself and then to others.  

Am I ok?  No, but I will be.

13 comments:

  1. Sweet, do you remember saying you didn't think your girls showed emotion... you are wrong... this one shows tremendous emotion. She is my favorite so far. It takes a while to believe that your opinion of yourself is the most important one. You are aware that is where you want to be so you are doing well. Yep, you'll be OK.

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    1. Thanks Boo, that means a lot to me! I've been practicing my faces. I don't seem to get tired of them, so it must be that me and my faces were meant to be. :)

      I know it will be an uphill battle, because I'm so used to giving up and giving in, but I'm going to keep trying, one foot in front of the other, until I get to a place where I'm satisfied. I'm excited to be starting down a healthier path! <3

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  2. Such a powerful post! I adore your painting, and trust me that 30 is just the beginning!

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    1. Thank you so much! I don't always like my work, but this one makes me happy...there has been a lot of improvement since I first started!

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  3. Oh my sweet Sweets, this face is fabulous!!! Her lips are so lifelike, it is unbelievable. If I didn't know better, I would have thought you cuts those lips from a magazine... absolutely flawless!

    Do you even know how much I adore you? You are fun, adorable, wise, caring, loving, artistic, hysterical and one-of-a-kind! Age is just a number... no need to stress, the best is yet to come!!!! With love and hugs, Pam

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    1. cut* (Oh, why didn't I preview before I hit publish?)

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    2. Thanks for the lip lovin'! I have to admit, I am pretty satisfied with the way she turned out...I'll try not to break my arm by patting myself on the back too much! :)

      You are the sweetest of sweetie pies... <3

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  4. Sweet! This is your best face yet! And such emotion. I love it. You are definitely improving. Did you show your sister this one? Life is certainly tough...but I think you're on the right track by realising who matters the most and who you have to look after first. YOU!

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    1. Thanks Lynn! I am pretty happy with this one! My sister hasn't seen it yet (she's on vacation with NO INTERNET ACCESS, so all the countdown posts will be a surprise when she gets back!)...I'm interested to see what she has to say...

      Thanks for all the kindness! <3

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  5. Powerful post. I believe it is true not letting others take that power from you. Very brave to open up and put it all out there. I suspect we have all been there in some form or another, I know I have....xox

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    1. Thank you! It's not always easy for me to put these things into practice, but I'm trying! I don't know what I'd do without the support from the online art community. I don't necessarily have that in my 'real' life, and if it wasn't for all the kindness and support I've received online, I know I would be in a really bad place. I'm grateful for all the amazing people I'm lucky enough to have met!

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  6. Oh beautiful girl...you are beautifully vulnerable in your post. That is to be admired. Suffering, bottling, we do it as long as we need to. It is a way of staying safe...until we don't. Be good to yourself. You are starting, by telling us and that takes so much courage. Your art speaks volumes, she shows who you are...vulnerable, pensive, looking out into the world but taking it all in. This is ok. Turning 30 was awful for me. I felt like you. And that too is OK no matter what anyone feels or says...."Just be you" You are the best "YOU" you can be - no one else knows you like you know you. Once you turn 30, well, you see how you feel about it...maybe it is not as bad as the fear - who knows. I had this about 30 and about 50. It is OK. We are allowed to have this. Lord knows our fears are just our fears and we get to be happy so why not get to be scared. I say just be you...scared about being 30 and all! It is all OK....just OK. No worries. You are right on, I say!!!! Lovies, Samara

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    1. Thank you so much! It is so encouraging to me to know that I am not alone in my struggles. 30 has proven to be a little anti-climactic for me, but at the same time, I do feel myself changing little by little. I don't know if that's because of my age or doing my art, but either way, it's welcome change. I really like what you said: " our fears are just our fears and we get to be happy so why not get to be scared". When I read that, I was like "YES!!! She knows what she's talking about!!!" I've spent a long time trying to cover over 'negative' feelings, and so coming to grips with the fact that they are still my feelings and I have a right to feel them is such a relief. You gave me a big boost today! Big squishes to you! <3

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