Root For You

I'm slowly but surely working my way through all the prompts I've missed during the craziness so far this year...  I'm trying, you know...I'm trying.

The first thing I've got to show you today is for week 6 (back in February) of JOURNAL 52, the prompt being "Windows":

"Losing love is like a window in your heart, everybody sees you're blown apart."
-Paul Simon

It's from the fantastic song "Graceland" by Paul Simon:

That song has some great lyrics, and I'll probably return to grab more of them in the future...

Then there's the DOCUMENED LIFE prompt (from the last week of January) "What Lies Beneath?", with the art challenge of "Under Paper" and here's what I ended up with:

"Flowers grow in all kinds of dirt."
Not one of my favorite pieces (me and painting flowers just don't get along for some reason!), but the sentiment's true!

And finally, there's week 7 of JOURNAL 52, which had the prompt of "Valentines" and here's what I made:

"I'm amorous but out of reach."
I'm not sure about this one...it actually looks much better in person, the lines aren't so noticeable and the colors are a little different looking as well...but on camera...well, it looks like this...meh...I don't know...

I got the line from this song, "Valentine" by Fiona Apple:

And used this painting by Raphaelle Peale as an inspiration:

"Still Life With Peach"

And that's a couple more towards catching up!

I've actually got more to share with you, it's just a matter of getting the blog posts typed up...which is time consuming if I write in my usual way...hence the super condensed version today.  But next time, I've got one with pictures that show the progress of the page, and coming up really soon, I'll share a piece that I am super proud of!  So just bear with me...I'm still trying to get the new balance of life down and I'm just not there yet.  But soon, I think...I know I've got a lot of lovely people rooting for me. <3

Color Scheming and Keeping On Track

Last week for Journal 52, the prompt was "Color Inspiration" (read more about J52 HERE).

I may have mentioned it before, but I have an intense love of plates (and bowls and cutlery...a lot of kitchen/dining related things appeal to me, I guess)...in a perfect world, I'd have a huge collection of them in every pattern that catches my eye and I'd be happy as a clam.  I'd have one of each and nothing would match and it would be pure utopia for me.  I think I must have inherited this love from my grandma, who had my own personal paradise in her kitchen cabinets...although I think part of her collection was earned honestly: years of sets of plates and many children in her house equaling a lot of breakage...I was just the enthralled observer of the survivors.  Either way, I can remember sitting down at the table hoping I'd get a certain plate...or, even better, opening up the cupboard door and getting to pick which one I wanted.  I still do this at my house, and my husband continually questions why I just can't take a plate off the top of the stack like a normal person...  I can't help it...I love what I love...

Anyway, since this isn't a perfect world, I don't have space for a huge collection of plates...so I have to limit myself to a few REALLY special pieces...the ones that my eyes never want to look away from.  So for this week's J52 page, I chose one of my absolute favorite plates:

My awesome Merit saucer/plate inspiration piece...Isn't it GORGEOUS???
I would totally love to have this tattooed on me somewhere...I love it beyond words!

I really love the pale yellow of the background along with the bright juicy colors in the flower...it just floats my boat!  

I also love the design...the composition and the flower itself...SO awesome!

So even though the prompt was color inspiration...I took it further and just tried to recreate the plate in page form:

YAY!  

Sorry for the dark pictures...I took the picture of the plate during the day (so I'd have a reference photo) and it came out really true to color.  The journal page pictures happened at night, so the colors in the photos are way off what's really on the page (especially the yellow background...it's pale yellow in real life).  Thank goodness we're on the uphill swing with Daylight Savings happening.  I hate losing an hour's sleep, but I do appreciate more daytime hours happening so that I can take better pictures!

"It takes a great deal of courage to see the world in all it's tainted glory and still love it."
- Oscar Wilde

I'm super happy with the drawing of the flower!  Full disclosure...I originally was going to write the quote in that gray color, but my brain forgot how to spell (and you can't erase that marker, darn it!) so I scribbled over my mistake with the marker and just wrote over that (more carefully) with the white pen.  It was a happy accident for me, because I really like the way that dreary gray block on the pretty page ties in with the 'tainted glory' part of the quote!

At some point, I will probably go back and add a page to my J52 journal using only these COLORS as inspiration...because otherwise I'll feel like I 'didn't do it right' and it will bother me until I do...I know, I know...I have issues...  On the positive side, I really do love that color palette, so I think I'll be glad to use it again!

In awkward segway news, I had a hectic week at work, so I actually had this page finished but didn't have time to post!  That's working way too hard in my opinion!!!  I'm going to have to figure out where I can create some time in my life, because this whole working around work thing is just not working for me!

Do you have any ideas on ways to find time?  I feel a little guilty asking this question because, mostly, I go to work, come home, and do art...really the only solution is to become independently wealthy, so if I could just win the lottery or something, that would be great...BUT I really would like to hear any suggestions you have about finding time!  I think it's a topic that a lot of people think about, so maybe you have some awesome ideas about it that can help.  

One thing I think about...notice I said think about, not do...is to keep a schedule (this was actually one of my 'new year's resolutions'...going along with my word of the year: condition)...  I don't have a lot of outside commitments, other than work, but what if I made myself stick to an at-home schedule?  Part of me thinks this would be good, because I feel like I'd get more done if I looked at my free time like I look at my work time...

But a bigger (or at least a more vocal) part of me thinks that I would drive myself crazy trying to stick to a schedule...I've never been much of a plan person...I've been much more of a wing it/see what I feel like doing at the time person.  But I also didn't used to be much of a stick-with-it / routine type of person, and I am finding that I am sticking with art journaling, doing my J52 and DL spreads every week with a vengeance and at work, if I don't do things in the order I usually do, my whole day is thrown into chaos.  What's the deal with that???  Am I really changing so much?  Is 30 year old me going to be that much different than me in my 20's?  Whoa, man, I'm freaking me out a little!

I guess, WAY deep down inside, I know the only solution is to try the schedule thing and see how it works...  scary, I know.  But nothing changes unless we do, right?  Ok, ok, I'll just do it...quit nagging me!  Sheesh!  I'm sure I'll let you know how it goes for me...because otherwise, you might be tempted to doubt my commitment and then where would we be? :)

Circles

I don't know what a psychotic break feels like...but I'm pretty sure I am having one.  I think the fact that I kind of giggled to myself as I wrote that means that it's probably true...but, hey, at least I can laugh about it, right?

I've told you before how I've basically denied all existence of my personal emotions for my entire life.  And then I discovered art journaling.  And all these emotions kind of poured out of me...or exploded out of me really...like Mentos dropped in a bottle of coke...geyser style...

That was a total surprise for me.  I didn't know I had all that stuff locked up inside.  SO MUCH STUFF!  But it felt really great to get it out of my head.  I could feel the weight lifted off my shoulders...it was like I finally breathed out and it made me twenty pounds lighter!  It's been a huge relief.  I think I've been learning to handle it all in a pretty good way...especially since I've never done anything with emotional stuff besides try to suppress it.

But this week, and I think (without knowing it at the time) probably most of last month, aka Crap-tober, I've been having some new-to-me issues.  I've come to realize that, much like everything else in life, some emotions are cyclical.  We don't just feel them, acknowledge them, and move on from them.  Somethings you can do that with...but not everything.  Ugh.  I guess I shouldn't be so bewildered at this, but I am.  Actually, I'm a little shocked about the whole thing.  

I've been thinking a lot about my friend Leonard.  I miss him a lot.  I know I always will.  That's not new knowledge for me.  But these big circle emotions that I seem to be having right now...that's a different kettle of fish.  

I've dealt with the loss of him...carefully.  In a detailed way...maybe that's the right way to say it.  Each time something new came up, I've analyzed it...over-analysis is my specialty...I feel like I've let myself run the gamut of grief.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, ...been there, done that.  I've felt all these things so strongly.  I was...almost proud, I guess...of how I let myself go through all of those stages.  They overlapped, they repeated, they ebbed and flowed and overtook me.  It didn't happen quickly, but eventually I got to a point where I felt like I could breath again.  I thought that was acceptance.  I naively thought I was done with the worst of it.

I've been seeing that's not true.  I've put a spread in Gregg about how I feel:

Repeat.

"This feeling is happening again and again."

"Where does it end?  When does it ever get easier?  Does it ever stop?  Or does it only repeat, repeat, repeat?"

I'm learning that some feelings are big circles.  Like other things in life, they live, they grow weak, they become dormant, they emerge again.  Flowers, butterflies, the seasons...add emotions to the list.  

They aren't exactly the same feelings.  Or at least there are some new ones thrown in the mix.  I'm still sad, I'm still angry, I still don't want it to be true.  But I find that I'm also upset that my memories are fading.  Maybe that is some kind of self-defense mechanism.  We have to lose them, otherwise we'd go crazy...but I can't stand it.  I don't want to forget.

I think it's hard for me because I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel.  I don't know anybody who I can be completely honest with about things...and someone who would understand how I feel.  I think dealing with suicide is different than dealing with other kinds of death.  Not harder, I don't want to say that, because death is always hard to deal with...but it is different.  

With suicide, you not only have to deal with the person being gone, you have to deal with the fact that they chose it.  He wasn't taken from me.  He wasn't stolen from me.  He made the choice and he left on purpose.  

And I blame myself.  In my head, I understand that it wasn't my fault.  But in my heart, I feel like it is.  I can't seem to find a way for my mind to overpower my heart in this matter.  Having to blame myself for not being able to see what was happening...for not being able to stop it from happening...that only adds to the pain of it all.  

I know that letting myself feel what I need to feel is good for me.  I know that talking about it is helping me.  I understand that I'm still learning too.  I know that I'll always miss my friend and that at least a part of me will always hold onto guilt and self-blame.  I know that I just have to learn to not let it overpower my life...maybe that's an ongoing process, not an end game.

I've lost someone I love very dearly.  I don't get him back.  I don't ever get to hear his voice or his laugh ever again.  He doesn't get to know what life had in store for him.  He doesn't get to know that things would have gotten better.  His life is stopped and  mine did too.  

I just want to say that there is ALWAYS another choice.  Talk to someone.  Life is not easy, but there's good to be had.  So long as you're living, you have the power to change your life.  There is always a different way out of a bad situation, and choosing death is not the answer to any problem.  I wish I had shown my friend how much he was loved.  I wish I could tell him I love him and let him know how much he meant to me...how much he will always mean to me.  I don't get to tell him.  He doesn't get to hear it.  We don't get to have a life together now.  Don't take that away from yourself.  Don't take that away from all the people who love you.

I Picked These For You!

What a crazy busy week I've had!  I look back on it and it seems like nothing too out of the ordinary happened, but geez Louise, it flew by!  

Work always steals a lot of time, but I do need to eat and buy art supplies, so I have to give up 40 hours there, plus drive time.  

Sleep takes up the next largest amount, but only by a small margin.  Sleep and I have an awkward relationship, where I'd like to see more of him, but he's comfortable maintaining a healthy distance.  It's sad really, because I'd love to take our relationship to the next level...

Then, of course, there's a mild amount of house cleaning that I do.  And when I say 'mild amount', what I really mean is just enough cleaning to keep a clear path from the bedroom to the fridge, fridge to craft room, craft room to bathroom...and just enough for us not to catch scurvy or some other horrible disease...after that, I don't mind so much.  We have a really small house.  No matter how clean you get it, it always looks cluttered...so I don't like to waste a lot of time and energy trying to fix that...because it is an effort in futility.  I have a sneaky plan to help alleviate some of this problem, but it's still in the works, and I don't want to jinx it.  You'll hear more about it when it gets closer to becoming a reality...until then, I will leave you in suspense...

I wanted to share what I made for my (birth) mother, Marian, (not to be confused with my sister, Marian...she's a Marian Junior...nor to be confused with my work mom, Miss Lettie) for Mother's day/just because she is sweet and adorable (and it happened to coincide with Mother's Day).  I'm late in showing it, because I didn't want her to see it on the blog (she reads my blog because she loves me and stuff...) before I actually gave it to her.  

I picked these for you!

I wish I could have gotten a little better picture.  The light has been bad recently, due to copious amounts of rain...which, I must say, was supposed to have happened in April (you know, April showers bringing May flowers and all), but the rain clearly did not get that memo this year.  So I'm going to blame that...  In real life, this piece is much less dingy (?) looking, especially the daisies.

This piece is acrylic on canvas, and it is meant to look like the flowers are closer to you and I am farther away, like I'm handing the flowers out to her.  And before someone asks, yes, this is supposed to be me when I was a little girl.  And yes, my hair was THAT long (I could sit on it) when I was a kid.  And yes, I had gappy teeth when I was a little girl.  And yes, I still have gappy teeth as a (newly) 30 year old.  And no, not a cute little gap, but a (cute) big gappy gap.  And no, it does not make me able to spit farther, nor can I whistle through it on purpose, although sometimes it happens on accident...(for some reason, those are the two questions I get asked the most about my gappy teeth...if you have a question about my gappy teeth, I will be happy to answer it if you leave it in the comment section below...trust me, you will not offend me in any way, so just ask, and I'll do my best to satisfy your curiosity...)

You may notice a striking lack of eyeballs in this piece, and before you go around thinking I don't have eyeballs or that I just forgot to paint them, let me clear the air.  My 12 year old nephew, who lives with my mom, is utterly creeped out by inanimate objects having eyeballs.  He is of the opinion, as many people are, that they follow him around the room...but instead of being an interesting phenomenon, to him it is terrifying.  I try not to judge too much...I personally have an irrational fear of space aliens.  Snakes, spiders, axe murderers...you know things that could actually hurt me...I have no problem with...but space aliens creep me out so bad.  The worst part is that I don't even think they're real!  I therefore understand the ridiculousness of that fear...but it doesn't matter, I still have the uncontrollable desire to scream in horror when I think about them.  So, like I said, I don't judge my nephew for being freaked out by things 'watching' him.  Since I knew my mom would hang this painting up (because, you know, she loves me and stuff), out of consideration for my nephew, I chose to leave the eyeballs 'out of frame'.  But I do have eyeballs...and gappy teeth...in real life.