(Secret) Lover

Today's REVERB14 prompt is:

Write a (love) letter from you to you...filled with forgiveness, love, and a big bear hug.

"I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people."
-Vincent Van Gogh

I didn't want to write you this letter.  It seemed stupid to me to put down in writing things you should already know.  But how can you know them?  I say these things to other people, but never to you...not on sunny days when I'm proud of the person you've become and not in the middle of dark, cold nights when you're lying in bed scared to death and all you need is for someone to tell you it's going to be alright...I never speak up.  You deserve to know the truth:

I see how hard you try.  I know how very close you've been to giving up and how you fought, tooth and nail, just to make it through one day, one hour, one minute.  All while wearing a smile on your face, so that no one else would be burdened with the pain you felt.

I know how you've grown as a person.  How you put yourself out in the world, despite your fear that you would be rejected, and let your voice be heard and your self be seen.  I've seen you tell the truth, even though someone might have used it to hurt you and even though it was the last thing you wanted to do.  I've seen you, shaking in your shoes, but still standing your ground.  I've seen you learn what it means to forgive and move on and how you've been rewarded for it.

I see you making difficult decisions, even though you fear the consequences.  I see you understanding at last that walking away from someone who continually hurts you may be the only solution that works...and that you finally understand that you can't live your life for other people...that you are the only one with the right to decide how you live.  It's sweet of you to not want to disappoint the people you love, but you know you have to decide your future.  They can't decide for you anymore ..it's up to them if they don't want to be involved in the life you make.  And it's ok to be sad about that, but it's not ok to push yourself into their mold...I know you see that now.

I wish I could tell you differently, but my love for you isn't perfect.  It waxes and wanes at the most inopportune times.  I'm fickle mostly and can never decide exactly how it is that I see you: good or bad, strong or weak, wise or foolish.  My love for you isn't black and white, but infinite shades of a million colors and I expect you to know things I can never convey.

But I'm working on it, I'm getting better at it...and you, too, improve with time...you get more lovable as you take another step towards letting the person you are on the inside become the one you are on the outside.  

I love you more today than I did yesterday.  Tomorrow I will love you more.  And I promise that I will keep loving you as long as you keep dragging yourself out of bed in the morning and facing the day with open eyes and an open heart.