Friday, August 16, 2013

I Must Be Heard

Before I got all sickly like, I had ordered a few things (literally a few...two crafter's workshop stencils, a mask and a set of masks from Maya Road, and a trial size bottle of Ranger's Crackle Accents) from Joann's online...probably the last crafty purchase in the foreseeable future.  But they didn't arrive till I was in the throws of sickliness, so I didn't get to play with them until I got out of the hospital...and even then it was just to spray some ink through my new stencils (mini fish scales and mini harlequin) and to use the big wing mask and see what they were like.  For the record, they are awesome...

I kept looking at the page with the stenciled ink thinking how much I really love the new toys...and all of the sudden I wanted to paint a face on...and not really my usual face...a SHINY GOLD FACE.  I don't know what it was about the page, but I wanted to just pour gold all over it...that's not like me!

So here's what I made:

See???  She's very SHINY...I used dylusions in the background, martha stewart pearl and metallic paints for the face, and perfect pearls for some highlighting (lips, eyes, and lettering).

So out came this shiny girl, who I have struggled to define...  She's got wings, but she's not a fairy...she's not an angel... all the shiny reminded me of some kind of ancient idol, but she's not that either.  I didn't really intend for her to 'be' anything, really just to paint a face...but when I was looking at her, valkyrie popped into my head.  I think because in my brain, a valkyrie denotes a powerful woman or a woman who is a protector...I then googled valkyrie, because I wanted to know what they really were supposed to be, and wikipedia had an interesting short little read about them (which you can find HERE if you would like).

I suppose it's kind of fitting, because this face spread has an interesting feature... I had originally done a face with my aquamarkers on the left page, but I didn't like it very much, so I just sprayed over it with the inks, thinking it would mostly be covered up...and it is.  You can see it in the above picture, if you look closely, but I only really saw it strongly when I was playing around with the Picsart app on my phone and used the "Invert" function:

See the ghostly image of the face that was?  I kind of REALLY LIKE TO A RIDICULOUS DEGREE that this other gal is secretly behind the main shiny gal.  I don't want to say my brain, it's more like Shiny stepped in front of the other girl...almost to protect her.  I don't know which one of them is demanding to be heard.  And I don't know if I'm the gal in the background, the one who needs protected, or if I'm the valkyrie that's doing the protecting, or if I'm both of these girls...  Yeah, kind of weird, I know, but all this stuff just popped into my brain as I was messing around with the photo app...what can I say...I've been on pain killers...they've clearly affected my mind... (haha)

When I started thinking about the picture, I realized that I've got an intense desire to be...coddled (?) right now.  This is not my usual way, let me assure you.  In my real non-internet, day-to-day life...I've always been the strong one.  I've been independent pretty much since I popped out of the womb, I think.  I've been held accountable for my actions, I've paid my dues, I've been there for those around me in every way it's been possible.  And I don't think there's anything wrong with that necessarily.  I know I can do things for myself, and that's a positive thing.  I want to help people if I can.  But every great once in a while, I need someone in my day to day life to be that person for me.  Don't get me wrong, the love and support from all my friends online is something I am extremely grateful for.  But I need that from the people who are around me on a daily basis sometimes too.  I don't need to be sick, in pain, and hospitalized and then have to deal with trivialities.  That's NOT ok.  Maybe, for once, I need to be cut a little slack.

The problem is my fault, at least partly.  I never ask for this.  I don't think I have ever in my life asked for someone to let me lean on them.  I know what my place is...I am the supporter.  I am not the one who needs support.  Since that's the way I've always been, that's the way I am basically all the relationships I have.  And it makes me...disgruntled...that no one seems to take it upon themselves to look at me in a different light.  But, people are oblivious...not out of spite or on purpose necessarily, but they are.  And it's not fair for me to expect them to be otherwise...nor is it realistic.  And so all of the angry feelings that are welling up inside of me right now... they're all misguided.  

If I am needing support, I need to ask for it.  I can't keep sitting still and waiting for change to happen, when it hasn't happened for thirty years...that's the definition of crazy!  So it's high time I ask for the things I need. If the support still doesn't come, then, yes, I am totally going to allow myself to be upset over it...and rethink my relationships.   But maybe I'll ask for it and actually receive it.  Maybe, if I speak up, I can be heard.


  1. Yes, please tell the people. You love, how you really feel. It's normal to be vulnerable, with your husband and family! Maybe they think you don't WANT to be seen as needy or weak, and let you be the strong one, because they falsely think that's the way you want it to be. Love you shiny face, and the quiet one hiding in the background! Talk girl friend, they need to hear your real voice and what you. Need! Hugs!❤

    1. You are right all the way around! I know it is normal for most people to be vulnerable with family...I'm just not normal! :) And you hit it right on the head when you said I don't want to be seen as needy or weak (this is so true of myself in the largest part of my past), so that's what my family 'lets' me be. I do need to step up and let them know that I don't want to be ONLY the strong one, that I do have times when I need to be helped and taken care of as well. Thanks Jackie! <3

  2. Sweets, I am so happy that you are starting to feel better. That is evident in the beautiful art you have created. I love how you did the wings and the peek of red harlequin design.

    When the day comes that you leave this world, I sure hope you donate your brain to science. Your mind works like no-one I have ever met before. Hugs, Pamikins

    1. Thanks my Pamikins! I do feel better...tired and whiny still (but mostly to my husband...I'm going to milk it as much as I can...hehehe...) but infinitely better! :)

      I had my gull bladder taken out when I was 19, and had to fill out a durable power of attorney and all that good stuff, and I, in fact, did donate my body to science... So take comfort in the fact that if anything ever happens to me, scientists will indeed have access to my succulent brain! :)

  3. wow, deep soul work going on. I applaud you.

    sounds like you are putting yourself on the list. yay you!
    Self care is so important.
    I know because I am figuring this out for myself as well this summer. Yay the both of us!

    1. Thank you so much! I am trying, but nothing seems to be harder for me than writing my name on that list, you know! :) It helps so much to have encouragement from people on the same path as I am; thank you again! <3 Good luck to you on your journey! <3

  4. What a fabulous page. It just became. Created because you wanted to.
    I totally love the way you explain what is on your mind. Do you write as you think Sweet or are there many pauses and deletions? I'm curious. You inspire me :) x

    1. Thanks Mo!!! That is a HUGE compliment, to know that I inspire you! I am grinning from ear to ear!

      In regards to how I write, that is a good question! I would say that 99% of the time, I write as I just comes out of my brain that way. The other 1% is when I go back and read what came out and think that it might not quite make sense and so I have to change the words around a little or add some more details.

      To me, the funny thing is that I can write what I think on the blog and be much more articulate than if I was trying to say all this out loud to someone. One of my friends at work made me realize that I have conversations with myself in my head and then I will say the last sentence in that internal conversation out loud...and get really strange looks, because nobody heard the first part! She just giggles and says "you're gonna have to tell me the rest of the conversation, because I don't quite know how you got from A to Z this time!"

      When I write (on the blog), I can put the whole conversation that is happening in my head on the page and it actually makes least most of the time, I hope!

      When I first started writing the blog, I was really worried, because I thought 'people don't think how I think, this will never make sense to anyone!' But I just did it anyway, and it seems like other people do get what I'm saying! That's been really nice, and it makes it easier for me to just write what comes out of my brain 'as-is' instead of wanting to edit myself or change how I say things.

      I hope all that makes sense and answers your question! <3 <3 <3

  5. Sweet, We really do have to ask for what we need. It would be great if others just "got it" but most don't. It takes some getting use to but asking for help is excellent Self Caring behavior.

    1. You're right on all accounts, my Boo! I am trying to gather up the courage (and maybe swallow my pride a little too) to ask for help. It's not easy for me to do! I think this must be another step on the road to being a complete person, so that's a good thing, even if it's not an easy thing. :) <3 <3 <3


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