Sunday, May 5, 2013

Sehnsucht and The Big What-ifs

Despite the fact that I feel like I haven't accomplished much in the past week or so, I feel like I've been extremely busy!  Don't you just hate that feeling of hurrying and rushing but not actually getting anywhere?  I have been feeling like that all week!  I hate it; it's a yucky feeling for sure.  I much prefer the feeling of relaxed, peaceful working, that doesn't feel like work, but when you look up you realize you've gotten so much done!  I'm looking forward to feeling that way again...and soon, I hope!

Yesterday, I had a lazy day, where I did absolutely nothing but sleep and watch t.v. and lounge about.  I am not normally one to enjoy days like that, and I generally find t.v. pretty mind-numbing, but I have to say, I was ok with it yesterday.  I guess every great once in a while days like that are good.

This morning I got up with a little more vigor and washed some clothes and the dishes and swept the floor.  Then that was enough of cleaning, and I moved on to the much more enjoyable work of art journaling.  I love  making art so much, I don't think it's even fair to call it work!  But I digress...  

I've been working on this page for a while now, trying to get it right...  It's in my little scrappy pocket calendar book that I made.  I know I said that I was going to toss it in my purse and use it for on-the-go sketching, but I was wrong...  I just felt the need to get something into it, before I tossed it into my purse.  So in the end, it may still end up in my purse...or it may end up on my desk and I'll have to find another tiny book for on-the-go sketching...  At any rate, here's the page:

The journaling part says: " Sehnsucht...  And so I sit here alone, missing things that once were, almost, almost crying for possibilities that existed which exist no more, longing to know what could have been but never will be.  If I were braver, I would cry out: 'What have I done?  What have I ever done?' but I'm not, so all I do is silently sit here thinking of sad things that are and happy things that cannot be."

I saw that word "sehnsucht" on Pinterest, and googled it.  It's supposed to be a German word, which doesn't really have an exact English translation, but conveys the feeling of an intense longing  for a person or place no longer in our life or a longing for 'we know not what'.  When I read that, it made me think of all the what-ifs in life.  What if I chose this thing instead of that thing, how would my life be different?  

I wonder if I am the only person who does this...while at the same time, I'm sure I'm not.  It must be something in our nature that makes us question things in this way.  It's an inherent quality in this type of daydream that we will always view these thoughts through rose-colored glasses...the thought of it will be a perfect scenario, if it were real, it could never be like it is in the mind, because nothing in life is ever perfect.  In our heads, it can be perfect and beautiful and that must be why we have such an intense desire for these people and places.  But if we had chosen B instead of A, we'd probably still be daydreaming about the converse.

I think probably everybody has one big 'what-if' in their life, the one that eclipses all the other what-ifs.  I know I do.  When I get down about it, when I really struggle with it, I try to remember that I do picture things in my head much more softly than they would have been in reality.  There are no hard edges in my daydreams, but, had those daydreams been real, who knows how many gashes and bruises those actions would have caused.  And like the lyrics in the song below say, "the grass is greener, but just as hard to mow."


Mail Art Goodness!

Oh Happy Day!!!  I got some lovely mail art yesterday!  Happy, happy, joy, joy!  I am doing the dance of happiness!  It mostly involves me frolicking around the house like an idiot...but an idiot who's REALLY happy, and that's what counts! 

First, I will show you this loveliness from fabulous Denise in Canada, the front of the envelope:

The feathers were inside of the envelope too!  Can I just say that when I stuck my finger in the flap and felt those feathers, I had an almost-peed-my-pants moment of "What the crap am I touching?!?"  I was very relieved when I saw the feathers!  I can't wait to use them!

The back of the envelope:
I love those Stamps!  Such neat touches!  

And what was inside the envelope (besides the feathers that scared the crap out of me!):

I love her SO much!  She's even better in real life!!!  Everything about this piece is fabulous and amazing!  I love that the lyrics showing in the sheet music say "hours away; passing too."  I don't know why, but that made me so happy when I saw it!  Thank you, Denise!  

And then, from the wonderful Jana all the way in Sweden:

The envelope:

Aren't those stamps THE COOLEST EVER?!? (I wish we had cool stamps like that...or that I would remember to ask if the post office has cool stamps...)  I love her envelope too!  I will tell you about the pink paper below...


What was in the envelope:
There were many goodies in the envelope, including a tea filter (on the right), a beautiful Swedish smile  at the top, a beautiful leftover piece from where she made the envelope (I REALLY like this piece, and I wonder what it says! ...that will be a great mystery...I will have to ask Jana...the suspense is killing me!) and the neat pink paper. The pink paper is some that Jana had dyed with beet juice!  Isn't that so cool?  I can't wait to use all of these awesome things!

Also in the envelope was:

An awesome kitty for me!  I love it!!!

And this:

An original artwork by Jana!  I loved this piece when I saw it on her website, and I didn't think it was possible, but I love it even more now that I've seen it in real life!  Thank you, Jana!

I wish I was a better photographer so that you could see how totally awesome all my lovely mail art goodies really are!  Ooh, I also have to say before I forget, that both Denise and Jana have THE BEST handwriting ever!  I was reading over the notes they had included and was possibly drooling in jealousy of how beautiful both ladies handwriting is!  

I can't wait to display my lovely art on the wall of my craft room so that I can look at it every day and get the same squishy happy feeling I have now each time I see it!  Thank you ladies so, so much!  You made my whole weekend better!


Friday, May 3, 2013

Farewell

The theme for Illustration Friday this past week was Farewell.  I was an over-achiever and made two pages...

Here's the first one:



This first one is much more cartoonish; it was something I thought of and just went from brain to paper..

Here's the second one I did:


This second one is a little less cartoonish.  For it, I found an image on Pinterest that inspired the page.   This one is not quite finished.  I have a little more shading work I want to do, but I also wanted to get in under the wire with it for the challenge, so I'm sharing it partway unfinished.

These two pages have shown me that if I want to do something cartoonish, I can draw it right out of my head.  If I want to draw something more realistic, I have to be looking at something real, but what I draw won't necessarily look just like the inspiration image.  I just need it for reference sometimes...

Now that I'm aware of it, I think I can work to make what comes out of my head a little more true to life, at least sometimes.  I don't mind cartoonish.

This was a fun challenge/prompt for me.  I found I could play with the 'Farewell' theme quite a few more times and still have ideas for more pages at the end!  Maybe I need a whole farewell-themed journal...

Saturday, April 27, 2013

And a splash of color...

Well, a little more than a splash, I think...  

Despite the fact that one of the prompts I did the self portrait for (from the last post) was black and white, I couldn't leave it alone...I REALLY wanted to color the self portrait in...  I had to...HAD TO!!!  

And so I did.  I know, I know...what can I say?  I'm a rebel.  So here it is in all its technicolor glory:

Did I mention in the last post how very apt I feel that quote is...especially in regards to this self portrait...

Coloring this in proved very interesting for me.  In some aspects, it turned out well.  I like the way the lips turned out (although I wish I hadn't outlined them in the Pitt pen...or would have used brown instead of black).  I like the coloring of the skin in certain places, especially the forehead  and the cheek (the one on the right in the above photo).  The shadow from the jacket (on the right side of the neck in the photo) is good.  In general, the shading is not perfect, but I can see that I'm improving, which is nice!

In other ways, the coloring highlights the flaws in the drawing part of it.  I made the head too round and too small. The forehead is too short (I noted this on the last post...it's still true...).  The eyes are at too much of an angle, giving an alien appearance *insert spooky X-Files music here*  My nose and mouth are a little closer to my eyes in real life and my nose is wider as well.  My lips are also a little fuller.  The hair is not quite right, although it's hard for me to tell if this is  due to the roundness of the head/shortness of the forehead or if the hair not being right is what contributes to those problems.

In the end, I'm actually very happy that I colored this in.  It's given me some things to think about and work on next time.

I sometimes get frustrated when I hear people say (or read it, whichever the case may be) that it's important not to be critical of your work.  I think what people mean to say is don't be overly critical, but that's not always the way it's said.  

When you learn to read, you start off with the alphabet, one letter at a time.  Eventually, you learn to put those letters together and you can read small three letter words: cat, dog, mom, dad.  Further down the line, it gets harder, but you learn more.  The words you can read get longer and your sentences more complex...and (if you like reading) you never quit learning new words and new ideas thanks to your ability to read.  But what if you stopped along the way?  What if you decided those three letter words were all you needed?  You'd never know g-o-o-d or f-r-i-e-n-d or c-h-o-c-o-l-a-t-e!!!  And those are very nice words to know!  

I think that art is the same way.  You learn to draw a line and a circle.  Then you put them together and have a stick person.  Then you learn about other shapes.  And then, although not necessarily in this order,  you learn about colors...then shading...then better shading...then perspective...and the list keeps going.  If you like art, you keep learning and part of learning is figuring out what you are doing wrong so you can learn to do it right.

I'm pretty lucky in that I have a wonderful sister that I love and that I respect as an artistic person.  My sister is a talented artist and she's also...what would you call it ...a passionate learner, perhaps?  She has this awesome tenacity in regards to finding out how things are done and why they are done that way. She's very good at researching things and I'm lucky enough to get to share in the spoils of her efforts.  

The following paragraph is an example of my sister's amazing insights (it's a direct quote...I copied and pasted it right out of the email she sent): 

Yes, all of  your apple issues were lighting/shading issues.  And no, it would not fix it if your apple was lit from behind because there would not be perimeter shading in the way you did it...so :-p    Whether it's a ball, apple, face or anything, the same principles apply when it comes to lighting/shading.  If a person draws using proper skill in lighting/shading; a second trained eye (person) will be able to tell you where the light source is coming from.  If the lighting/shading is wrong, an untrained eye can often feel that something isn't right, even if they don't know what.  You cannot skip the basics.  Lighting/shading not only gives dimension, it also contributes to the mood of the art piece.  That's part of why I so like the quote, "One eye sees, the other feels."  Whether a drawing, photo...whatever...what we see evokes some type of emotional response.  As the artist in control of your work, you decide what you want to convey and then need to understand how to make that happen.  Again, it is a process that comes with time and should never be a roadblock to your creativity.  Once you know and master the "rules", then you can learn when & how to break or manipulate them and do something wonky like this:"
STAIRS.jpg

Yes, she really talks like that...I know, it's hilarious, right?  She could seriously write a book on being creative, and it would be a book I'd actually want to read cover to cover.

Despite her scholarly way of speaking (or maybe because of it, who knows?), I really appreciate this kind of email from my sister.  Actually, the thing that I appreciate most about her in regards to creative things is her ability to give good criticism.  I've always emailed her pictures of my various creative endeavors, and she's always critiqued what I've done.  In all honesty, if someone else told me some of the things she's told me about my art, I would have been either really discouraged or seriously annoyed.  The reason I don't get annoyed or discouraged is because I know she tells me these things because she believes I can improve.  I've come to the realization that I'd be more discouraged or upset if she stopped critiquing me...because then I'd know she felt I'd reached the limit of my abilities and that I'd never get any better.


Because of the much appreciated constructive criticism of my sister, I can now look at my work much more objectively.  I can see what I've done well and what still needs improvement.  This is probably the best gift she's ever given me...(although she shouldn't quit trying...I hear that I'm a big fan of money in large amounts, so if she ever wants to try that I'm open to the idea...)  It's a really good thing to have someone be honest with you about your work while still being kind in their criticism.  It's an even better thing if you can be that person for yourself.  

There are so many different styles of art, and so many different views on what is good.  We all like different things and that's what makes the world interesting.  It's also what makes learning to give yourself an objective critique worthwhile.  

I hate sauerkraut.  Loathe it with a passion beyond words, as a matter of fact...  So if you asked me to tell you what to do to improve your sauerkraut, I'm not going to be able to tell you anything useful, because to me it will still be disgusting sauerkraut.  I'd actually not be able to tell you much of anything at all, because I'd be in the corner dry heaving at the thought of sauerkraut.  In order to improve your sauerkraut then, you're going to have to find some recipes and through trial and error figure out what works for you so that you can finally have some sauerkraut you're satisfied with.  And trust me, I will STILL think your sauerkraut is disgusting.

Artistic critique is similar.  Perhaps you don't have someone in your life that you get useful input from concerning your art.  The internet is a wonderful place for learning how to do things...usually at the low, low price of free.  You may find some nice people (but be aware that there are also big jerks out there) who will give their opinion on how to improve.  Even if you can't find someone with a helpful opinion, you will be able to find a ton of tutorials on how to do just about any type of artistic thing your little heart could desire.  

Watch enough videos, look at enough examples, read enough articles and eventually you'll be able to give yourself an honest critique of your own work.  You're the only one who knows what the idea in your head looks like. You're the one who has to practice getting what's in your head onto the paper.  And once it's on that paper, you're the one who decides whether it's good or not.  If it's exactly how you want it to be, that's awesome!  If it's not, look for what worked and what didn't.  Congratulate yourself (get excited!) for the good parts and figure out why you don't like the bad parts.  Then try again.  Repeat those steps enough and you're eventually going to have a whole piece that you're really proud of!

While you're busy practicing, remember to have fun and be kind to yourself.  Too much criticism is a bad thing and will discourage you.  Look for the good first, then find areas for improvement.  Be critical of your work, so that you can keep getting better, but not overly critical to the point where you become discouraged and want to give up.  

I'm going to get off my soap box now and work on improving my self portrait...after I take the time to appreciate the good parts again... 


Thursday, April 25, 2013

This is my face...deal with it..

I got to do a really fun set of prompts for my most recent journal page: black & white, self-portrait  and favorite quote or saying.  My love of faces is well documented, so I was excited to get to do another one.  A lot of my recent posts have been me being pretty introspective, so a self-portrait prompt seemed to fit right in with my narcissism!  

I tried to find a good picture, but then remembered I am the most non-photogenic person in the entire world...so I changed the plan and tried to find a decent picture instead...the goal was much more realistic at that point...  Here's the one I ended up picking:

My blurry picture...pay no attention to the mess in the background...it's an illusion...

If you ignore the blurriness of it, this is probably the best picture I've taken in the past 5 or 10 years...seriously...  Most.Non-photogenic.Person.Ever.  It's not a joke people.  Aside from being a decent picture, the other/main reason I picked this one is because it shows the highlights and shading really distinctly.  Thank you, blurry cell phone picture!  You've made my task infinitely more easy!

After all the blabbing to get to this point, here's the page:


My self-portrait...not perfect, but good (enough)
Not too shabby...  Not perfect (I'm looking at you forehead that I made too low!  And you, nose that should be bigger!), but pretty good.  Now that I've taken the picture (thus completing my contractual obligations to the prompts), I'm totally going to colorize this page (with my watercolors, I do believe).  I think that will help to make the page look a little more like me...or at least that's my hope...

As I was in the middle of drawing my face, I realized how little attention I actually pay to my own face.  I mean, I see it every day...I look in the mirror, you know, to make sure I don't have a booger hanging around or something stuck in my teeth and the like, but I don't think I've ever really made a close examination of it before.  I think it's an odd thing to live with yourself all your life and not really know your own details.

I've come to understand that I don't have much knowledge of myself.  I don't really have an awareness of my own opinions on things, or if I do, I don't generally make them known.  I push them to the back-burner.  I suppose it's never been important to me before.  Maybe I'm having an early mid-life crisis, but I have the sudden compelling desire to figure out what it is that I want, who it is that I am (if I was wealthy, or not tied down, or more adventurous, this would be the point where I backpack across Europe...), not the person that I show other people...  I'm well acquainted with that version of me.  I'm longing to get to know the one on the inside...the one I'd be if I wasn't so worried about the thoughts and opinions of others, because let's face it, the one I pretend to be is mostly made up of things I think other people want me to be.  I want to start paying attention to my thoughts and feelings a little better and then let that girl out...I don't want to say the 'real' me, because in the end both versions are technically real...the way a character in a book or play or a movie is real...but I want to quit playing the part.  I want to see who I am when the curtain comes down and there's no audience judging my performance.

Isn't it funny how the mind connects things?  One little blurry picture at the right time spurs a huge idea.  And one huge idea has the potential to slowly bring about change and to set something free that's been locked away for far too long.  

To be honest, I'm exhausted...it's not an easy job to hold up a mask all the time.  And it's even harder to let yourself take off the mask and examine what's behind it...and it's scary too.  Truth is scary.  Change is scary.  If, as John Wayne said, courage is being afraid and saddling up anyway, then I'm feeling pretty courageous right now.  For the first time in a long time, maybe for the first time ever, I'm feeling powerful.  


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Letting Go

With the completely horrible version of the prompts (neon, money, stickers) for this week out of the way, I shook off the ugly page mojo and made this page:

She remembered that it was ok to let go of things when the cost outweighed the benefit.

I would have never guessed it in a million years, but I am really enjoying the neon backgrounds...even on my previous page...you know, the shamefully horrible one...  

I like this page SIGNIFICANTLY  better than the first one.  It's much more 'my style' than the last attempt was for sure...I don't know what my creativity was doing the day I made the first page, but good gourd, don't let it leave me like that EVER AGAIN!!!  

I like that this page is another step in the direction of my personal goal to remember the journal part of art journaling.  

I've been thinking recently about how much I struggle to keep things (and people, sadly) in my life that don't really need  to be there.  I chase after things that don't want to be caught, and fight as hard as I can to hold onto them, to keep them around no matter the consequences.  Part of it, I think, is that I'd feel like a failure if I couldn't maintain these stressful relationships.  I've always kind of been the glue that holds things together...and having one side do all the work is not easy and it's how it should be at all.  In the past few weeks, I've been kindly told by several dear people that things 'are not always about me'.  I don't know why I have such a hard time accepting that.  It's a simple fact, really, but also profound.  Sometimes we just get the brunt of conflict that has little, if anything, to do with us.  We're just the person that happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.  

It can really stink to be a caring person, because there's a very thin line that separates being caring and being codependent, where I start to think that I can change someone else's attitude and outlook.  And that's a bad place to be.  It's not my job to continually try to fix other people's problems.  Not that there's anything wrong with helping people if I can.  The problem is that it seems to be all I ever do.  For starters, it's kind of egotistical...it's like saying I can live that person's life smarter than they can...  I've got my own problems!  O meed to go fix them!  Additionally, if you start bailing people out too often, they quit trying to help themselves...you become an enabler and you start drowning in issues that were never yours to begin with.  And a person can only give so much...eventually, if nobody returns the favor, you're completely empty.  I've been riding on 'E' for a while now.

So I've decided to quit being glue-like and start being more like velcro.  Because velcro has two parts and neither part sticks without the half it matches.  I have needs and wants and problems too.  So I'm going to work on finding things that have a give and take.  This doesn't just apply to people either.  

There are other things I can think of that have no real benefit...I just do them because I've always done them.  And, honestly, there's not time enough in the day to do things just because they should be done or because it's the way it's always been done.  I'm going to liken this to making your bed in the morning.  Your whole life you've woken up and made your bed.  What's the point to it?  You're just going to get back in it and mess it up again!  But you've heard 'GO MAKE YOUR BED!' every day since you were a kid, and it's a habit and it's just the way things are done.  But really, why?  The world isn't going to stop if you just toss off the blankets and walk away.  I'm going to try to get rid of all those little 'go make your bed' situations in my life.

Some person out in the world, who is much smarter than I am said: When you say no to something, what you're doing is making room for yes.  Basically, you're making room for more positive things.  I've come to the realization that there are some things I'm finally ready to scream "NO!" at.  And I'm sitting here tonight, dreaming of all the good things I'm making room for, just by simply letting go.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

The Extreme Brightness

Here's a page for one of the Facebook groups I'm in...the prompts were neon, stickers, money.  In an odd turn of events, I have very few stickers...  This realization was very disturbing to me!  When did I become the kind of adult that can buy stickers at will and yet has NO STICKERS???  I am going to have to work on that...an adult with no stickers...I feel like a monster!!!  My nine year old self is shaking her head in disgust at me!

This picture does not accurately portray the EXTREME brightness of this page...

Aside from my limited sticker collection, I had a hard time with this page...the neon is NOT a comfortable color choice for me.  I like color...but oh...oh, so very bright!  I have to admit that as I flip past this page in my journal in search of a blank one, I stop and admire the background quite a bit...  It turns out I must like those frighteningly bright colors after all.  It makes me wonder why I don't use them a little more often...and it makes me afraid that I'm becoming a boring adult!  No stickers, no crazy colors...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?  

In searching out something to use for the money part of the prompt, I kept coming across these insightful quotes about money...but I couldn't do it!  My funky stickers were mocking me and my grown-up quotes...so then I had to search jokes about money instead...and I think I agree with the raccoon in the apron... "Ugh...that's so corny."  but it works well for my animal related stickers and the brightness of the neons...so STOP JUDGING ME RACCOON!!!  

I had a stroke of brilliance and a stop at the local dollar store (to get stickers) so that I can do another page for this theme.  I don't care for this page very much, and I want another shot at doing these prompts.  Where were you over the weekend inspiration?  Taking a vacation or something?  Get back to work!

Sometimes I think it's kind of refreshing to do a page that you just don't like...it's visual motivation for me... I feel like I can do better, and I know it can't be worse than that hideousness!  This is not the first bad page I've made, nor will it be the last sadly...but it feels freeing to get the ugly out of the way and move on to making better pages.

I wonder if the other ladies in my group had as hard of a time on this week's prompts as I did...probably not, they are creative and amazing and resourceful...and they probably had better stickers...