Envious or Miss Martian?...Face 27 of 29

Face #27:

Pencil sketch...

Colorized!

I'm not sure whether this girl is green with envy or if I've been watching too many Young Justice reruns, and she's my interpretation of Miss Martian.  (Young Justice is a cartoon...Justice League...comic books...the nerdery never ends with me, I know...)  

Either way, I like her a lot.  I'm happy she's greenish and pinkish.  I used my shimmery watercolors (or faux Twinkling H2O's, if you prefer), which are watercolor with sparkles in them.  You can see the sparkly a little bit in the photo, but in real life, she's EXTREMELY shiny.  So that's pretty fun, I think...shimmer, not bling...(ugh...I hate the word 'bling').  

Just two more faces to go!  Can you believe it?!?  Two more faces and two more days until the surprise prize reveal!  The anticipation has been building for me, and hopefully for you guys too...  I am so excited!

Until tomorrow... 

What's in My head Versus Reality

I've been thinking a little about that saying 'there's three sides to every story: your side, my side, and the truth.'  except for my brain got sidetracked.  What started out as thinking about the 'three sides to the story' thing turned into me thinking about the way I view things compared to the way things are...in other words, what's in my head versus reality.

I'm one who has been blessed and cursed with a good imagination.  There are things that are REALLY great about it, like being able to 'see' the scenes in the books I read and being able to think up all sorts of things for my art journals.  I can imagine what color combinations will look like when I'm wanting to crochet a scarf in a certain pattern.  Creatively, my imagination has been a huge help to me.

But my imagination is also a defense mechanism.  All my life, when things are very bad, I've imagined myself out of those bad situations.  When I was a little girl, growing up with a father who was generally a terrible person, being able to pretend things were different was how I survived.  People always think of me as strong, but what they don't realize is that I've just got a very strong imagination...  When bad things were happening, I wasn't there...I was off in my brain in some other place.  I think this is part of the reason I don't have a lot of memories of my childhood...because I wasn't there to make memories.

This imagination of mine has stuck with me into adulthood as well.  When I lost someone I dearly loved to suicide, I concocted a series of stories in my mind so that I wouldn't have to deal with the loss.  He's not dead...it was all a hoax...he's in witness protection somewhere, alive and happy and missing me as much as I miss him.  And I let myself believe this story with all my heart, because it was so much easier to imagine that he was out there somewhere still getting to see and feel and live than to let myself come to terms with the fact that he was gone and that the last words I said to him were horrible and mean and the biggest lie I've ever told in my life.  But for as long as I let myself believe this imagined story, I got no closure.  I couldn't let go of him.  I kept waiting for him to come back to me.

And that's not reality.  I finally came to realize that it will never happen, no matter how badly I want it to.  All I was doing was torturing myself.  Sure, it spared me in the beginning, when it was all too much to deal with, but for two whole years, I let myself believe the story.  For 24 months, I sat and waited on someone who would never show up.  That's not healthy...it took me long enough, but I figured it out...  And when I finally made myself let go of the pretend scenario I had created, I had a HUGE crash of grief.  Bone-shattering grief.

But something changed at that point.  Instead of having this open wound on my heart, it slowly started to heal.  I know I will always have a scar jaggedly running down the center of me, but I finally, finally let the wound close.  I didn't feel like all my life was slowly leaking out of me anymore.  I felt empty at first...so tired and cold from sadness and anger and disappointment and all the feelings that come along with such a thing. But as the hole in my heart scabbed over, I could feel myself improving...slowly, a tiny bit at a time, I was getting better.  I know I will always have this mark, and honestly, it will always be my favorite scar, because I wouldn't have it if I hadn't loved so hard and been loved so sincerely in return.  All the other things that have caused me pain in my life, none of them had any love in them at all.  But this one, this most agonizing pain, was one I felt because there was so much love at the core.

You would think that I would have learned my lesson...that I would have realized that it's better to accept reality than to delude myself into believing lies.  You would think I could have put A and B together a little faster...clearly I have taken my sweet time about it.  Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, you know...

It may have taken me a while...a good long while...but I'm finally seeing that I need to stop my imaginings when it comes to daily life.  When a situation is bad, I need to do something about it, instead of just pretend it's not there.  I can't spend the rest of my life living in a world of make believe.

I'm not saying I'll never use my glorious imagination again...but I'm going to try as hard as I can to never use it as a way to escape from things that I don't want to deal with.  Instead, I need to be truly strong and actually deal with things.

In the midst of all this thinking, I threw myself a little pity party and made this:

"Your heart's a thousand colors but they're all shades of blue." -Gregory Alan Isakov 

I had planned on making it an addition to Gregg (I told you he was my knew obsession...), taping down the heart and writing the lyrics mentioned in the caption onto Gregg's actual page.  Because I was having a pity party, I thought these lyrics applied to me so well...  Everything is sad and blue and I'm such a wimp and waa waa waa....  

But that's not true...that's my mean imagination playing tricks on me.  I do feel sad that I've used my imagination to escape from life...but there are so many other things in my heart, good things that aren't shades of blue at all!  I've got love in my heart.  I've got friends that are so very dear to me.  I've got my nice imagination, the parts of it that help me be creative and the parts that help me look beyond the surface and see what could be with a little bit of elbow grease.  I've got a million other colors in my heart.  And just because some days they seem to be hit with a blue light, it doesn't really mean they ARE blue.  So just sit back and be quiet, mean imagination...because I don't need you or want you anymore.  

I'm not dead...

I promise I'm not dead...seriously!

Last weekend I went to Ohio to visit my family.  I had a great time, even though it seemed like I was barely there at all (much too short a visit)!  I am happy for the time I did get to spend there though.  I love to see my brother's and sister's families and catch up a little.  Being with them reminds me of the good parts of my growing up.  We have a fun time doing absolutely nothing but talking.  I wish I could get up there to see them more often.

Since then I've been on MASSIVE overtime at work, which I'll appreciate on payday, but until then, I will grumble about with a serious amount of grumbling.  Urg.  My sincere desire is to one day be independently wealthy instead of exceedingly beautiful.  Then I wouldn't have to work at all and I could go see my family whenever I wanted and stay as long as I liked.  So if the universe could work that out for me, that would be great.  GET ON THE BALL UNIVERSE!!!

In the tiny amount of spare time from the past week or so, I have managed to get some artsy stuff done.  I'm taking Effy Wild's Book of Days (BOD) workshop online, thanks to her generous sale.  Let me just say, the boot camp alone is worth the full price of admission.  I try really hard not to promote anything because I don't want someone coming back to me all 'you said this was great and that is not how I feel', but seriously, I am loving this workshop.  LOVING IT!!!  

The first thing I did was to use her tutorial video to make my BOD journal.  Super fun and pretty easy!  I've made a journal before, but hardbound.  This one is cloth bound.  I used some cheap muslin I had, and coated it in gesso for the cover.  It's what I had lying about, and it actually worked pretty well:

The outside of my BOD journal.  You can see where some of the color from the first page is popping through.  I'm ok with that.  It's why I like to save decorating the cover of the journal for last.  That way my cover won't get ruined if any artistic over-spray happens.

Here's the first spread of my BOD journal, this is where the color on the cover seeped out from:

"There is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique." -Martha Graham
That comes from a larger quote that I think everybody should read:
"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique.  And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost.  The world will not have it.  It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions.  It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.  You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.  You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you.  Keep the channel open.  No artist is pleased.  There is no satisfaction whatever at any time.  There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."
I think Martha Graham, who was an influential dancer and choreographer, really hit on the truth with that statement.  Whatever it is that we do, especially creatively but otherwise as well, is singular and special.  We have a unique view and a unique statement to make in the world.  It is our intrinsic right, our privilege, and practically our duty to get it out there.  There has never been, and there will never be, another person exactly like us.  We shouldn't deny ourselves to the world, because they'll never have another chance to appreciate who we really are and what we do and think.  We are singular, special, unique, and wonderful.

This is the second spread in my BOD journal:

This page is full of texture and layers, which is something that's pretty new to me and something I am learning a lot about in BOD for sure.  I am pretty happy with the textured outcome, and I am super excited about the crackle I got going on in areas of this page!  I've never done crackle paint so successfully before!  So huzzah!!!

This page has a little flap that flips open for hidden journaling as well...although I realize as I look at the picture below, it's not really so hidden if I take a picture and don't at least blur the words...  Oh well...it's more hidden for the fact that I didn't want my super messy handwriting to show up on the page instead of it being something I don't want people to read...so you can read it, it's not a super secret or anything...

Flip open flap!  Fun stuff!  The lyrics on this page are from the song "The Wrote and the Writ" by Johnny Flynn, which you can listen to below if you'd like:

This is the third spread I did for BOD:

Without breaking my arm from the back patting, this is one of those rare moments where I love something I did so much that I can't believe I made it.  I love, love, love this spread...LOVE IT!!!   

This is how I feel when I look at this spread: 

*fits of maniacal laughter*

Crossed with this: 

*whispering "I love you" in creepy voice*

This spread also has a flip:

"Cynics do not contribute, skeptics do not create, doubters do not achieve." - Gordon B. Hinckley
LOOK ALWAYS FOR THE GOOD

The point of this (amazing and beautiful and fabulous) spread is to remind myself to quit being so pessimistic...even when I try to cheat and call it realistic...the point is basically the same.  I think it's true that you tend to see what you look for, so I'm going to start looking for the good a little more often.  Even in stinky situations, there's always something good to find, and that's what I want to see.  Anyone can find the bad parts, it takes a unique person to find the good...and I want to be that person again.  

One good thing I've come across is that Michael's is now carrying their store brand's (Artist's Loft) version of Twinkling H2O's!  Yay!  That's a lot of colors for something like $5...and if you have a coupon (ALWAYS HAVE COUPON!!!)  that's like $3 after tax!  I don't know if the shimmery comes across in the picture, but trust me, they are SHIMMERY:

Fabulous faux Twinks!  I used them on the girl in the awesome 'look always for the good' spread above...she's the perfect amount of shimmery.  (Did I mention how much I love that spread?)

One last good thing I've got to share for today:

O.M.G. !!!  I got this SUPER AWESOME Olivetti Underwood Studio 45 typewriter for $10 when I was in Ohio.  I lugged it  (in it's matching case!!!) all over this humongous flea market that they have in Rogers, OH and I would have carried it to Hades and back if I needed to.  (And it is NOT light...)  This thing is in GREAT working condition, it just needs a new ribbon because the one that's in it is almost used up.  I knew $10 dollars was a steal for a working typewriter, but I Googled it and the cheapest I saw this particular model selling at online was $125 + shipping.  So for TEN dollars, (in my eyes) I got the deal of a lifetime!  I love it so!!!  

I have a plan involving the use of my pretty new/old typewriter...but I'm not ready to share it just yet...you will have to wait in terrible anticipation!  In the meantime, just imagine me hunched over my typewriter like Snoopy... "It was a dark and stormy night..."

Icads 21-24

What a busy weekend I had!  (That's my lame way to say sorry I didn't post for a couple days...)  In my defense, I actually did have a seemingly action packed weekend.  

There was mailing of mail art.  There was going to Michaels craft store (twice).  There was a MONSTROUS amount of cleaning.  This is what took up the most time...egad, so much time...but the craft room looks AWESOME...and to a lesser extent, so do the kitchen and bathroom.  I mean, how awesome can they look...there's hardly any art supplies in those other rooms at all!  

And there was also art...I managed to get my ICAD cards done.  I also started an art journal page, but I'm not finished yet, so that will have to wait for another post.

So anyways, ICAD cards...  

They are all on 3x5 index cards.  I managed to somehow get confused on the prompts for each day.  I was doing the prompts in order, but I messed that up (no clue how).  I did do 4 cards in 4 days, so that counts anyway, I think.

For the first one, the prompt was 'owl'.  I tried using the video found HERE to paint my card.  The video is really cool, and I could listen to that guy talk all day long.  My girls on Facebook and I have decided I am totally going to marry him, because he has an awesome accent, he's pretty much adorable, he's clumsy (watch the video...he drops something...bwa-ha-ha...I love it!) and he likes art...  How perfect can one person be?  I don't know how my current husband will feel about this, but I'd like to think he'll understand.  Besides, he doesn't have an adorable accent at all, so his opinion is pretty much meaningless...  

Here's the card:

This video is really good.  The man (with the fabulous accent) makes you really feel like you can do what he's doing, and not in a fruit loopy, hippy dippy way (Lawd, I hate when they get all fruit loopy), but just in a nice "it's easy, just try it" way.  With that accent, I believe whatever he says...  Anyway, because I'm a rebel, I added some highlights with white to the owl and to branches especially (in the video, he just has you do the silhouette).  I like the way the branches turned out...the owl, not so much...he looks more cartoonish to me than the branches do.

Next is my ICAD for the prompt "list of pros and cons"...see, I told you, I got all out of whack.  Anyway, because lists are my mortal enemy, I decided that instead of pros and cons, I would just do a 'con' and decided to make a picture of Bonnie Parker, of Bonnie and Clyde fame:

Here's my extremely stylized version of Faye Dunaway as Bonnie Parker.  

Then I made this card, for the prompt 'lyrics or quote', using a video by Jennibellie, which you can find HERE.  Basically, the idea was to 'paint' using string of some kind.  I used embroidery floss:

Once I put down the string, it reminded me of Liza Minelli in Cabaret.  Mostly nowadays, when I think of Liza Minelli, I think of her in Arrested Developement...."I got a case of the dizzies." HAHAHA! 

Finally, I made this card for the prompt 'grocery list':

...because we all know art supplies are more important than food.  These are a few of the things I got at Michaels this weekend (minus the index cards): a set of black Microns, a set of Twinkling H2Os, 5 colors of screen printing ink for fabric, 6 different colors of Silks acrylic glazes, a couple different Sharpies, and some Mod Podge matte sealer.  I got some other things (during the second trip) which didn't make it to the 'grocery' list: some Golden soft gel medium (matte), some Adirondack acrylic paint daubers, and some new paint brushes.  Over all, a fabulous haul.  I've been good for a long time, so I went a little nuts...I'm like a binge buyer when it comes to supplies...nothing, nothing, nothing, EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE...  Shame on me!