Mindy Inspired and Frida for Mo

I thought you might like to see a process post today...it's kinda been a while since I've done one.

This spread is for my Documented Life journal for the Art Challenge "When Not To Stop" and the prompt "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough! (Ooh)" and is the first in the February (yep, that far behind!) theme of "Layers You Will Love"

I have to admit that layering does not come very naturally to me...it tends to require drying time...and that, in turn, requires patience...which is not my forte...  

I think that's why I always turn to a MINDY LACEFIELD inspired girl when I am prompted to do layers.   She talks about how her art is inspired by child-like freedom...doing what feels right, even though it may be technically 'wrong' artistically...like not waiting for that first layer to dry before you add more...that's right up my alley!  And here's what happened:

I started out with Aquamarkers on an un-gessoed page...added a crap ton of water to try to get them to blend...which didn't really happen, as you can see...FINE THEN, BE THAT WAY!

Instead of waiting for it to dry, I started spreading on some acrylic paint with a pallet knife over the sopping wet Aquamarker.

It looked a little flat, so I decided to add more paint, still with the pallet knife, but this time with the sharp edge instead of the broad, spreading way I had done previously...much better now, I think...more interesting to look at...more energetic...

Next, I challenged myself to paint the girl solely with my fingers.  I started out with the basic shape of the girl in a neutral color.

I started defining areas of her face and body with a few more layers of paint... 

I kept having issues with her nose shape and there are several boring pictures I left out that were just me getting aggravated at noses in general....

I finally picked one and went with it...more colors, shading and highlights at this point...

I evened her out and gave her some pearls...blue pearls because she has that slightly sad introspective annoyed look on her face...

"I have a very strong feeling that the opposite of love is not hate - it's apathy.  It's not giving a damn."
-Lou Buscaglia

Sometimes I have a quote in mind before I start.  Other times, like for this spread, one will present itself after the fact...the art will tell me what it is my heart's brain was trying to say and I can find the just-right quote pretty easily. 

I hope you liked the step-by-step today...my mom says this girl is kinda scary looking, but she does have some harsh things to say, so she couldn't be all cutesy-froo-froo...she's lived a hard life this gal...she's jaded and bitter...  But admitting there's a problem is the first step towards solving it, and this little lady knows something's not quite right...

And now, for my sweet friend Twinkletoes, here's a couple pictures of Frida:

I caught her on my bed...she's never been on it before, and she doesn't know if she's allowed...she is literally not moving anything except her eyes (waiting to see if I'm going to fuss at her!)...for so long I decided to grab my camera and snap a picture...

Once I snapped the first pic, I started laughing at just how long she had stayed so still...and that's when I got this picture...it's the "Yay! She laughed, I'm not in trouble!" picture....
I just had her to the vet the other weekend, and she'd gained 12 pounds in a month!  She was a fluffy 41 pounds (at 4 months old).  She's such a gentle giant though...her brother, which is my sister's dog, is 54 pounds at the same age...and a maniac in my opinion...
I'll have to try to get some pics from where I take Frida walking at, Steele Creek Park...it's really pretty and serene and there's a lake and all...it's awesome!

And, on that note, I'm off to get ready for work...in a super speedy way because I've only got about 10 minutes before I have to go...five minute shower for me today!  But I got the important things done, and that's what counts, right? :)

Just

Here's today's prompt for REVERB14 (condensed version): 

...we all occasionally find ourselves having to deal with an incredibly unpleasant individual...  Think back to such a situation: If the gloves were off, how you really would have liked to have dealt with them?

"You are exactly where you deserve to be."

My father left when I was about 16.  It was not soon enough.

When I have to talk about him, I often say "he wasn't a very nice person".  That is a gross understatement.  He was an abusive, mean, lying, horrible thing...even the term 'person' is too good for what he was.  

I hated my father my entire life.

He left when I was 16 and died when I was in my mid-20s, and I remember being afraid every single day until he died that he would come back.  Even once I was grown and married and had a new last name, I lived in fear that he would somehow find me and show up at my door.  The day I found out he died, all I felt was relief.

They cremated him when he died.

I went to the funeral...more than anything, I think, just to make sure that he really was dead.  Someone had put up pictures of him, ones taken since I had seen him last.  It was almost laughable to me.  In those last few years, the thing that scared me the most in the world, the boogeyman in every shadow, had been nothing but a frail old man.  After seeing those pictures, I remember thinking to myself that if he had shown up at my door, I could have beat him senseless...and I thought that would have been justice.

As time went by, I found that when I thought about my father I didn't feel the rage I felt that day at the funeral.  Something else took over: pity.  You see, for all the bad things he did, he still had a family that, at one point in time or another, had wanted to love him.  My mom had told me once that the thing my dad was most afraid of was dying alone.  And that's exactly what happened to him.  And I found that I could pity him.  Even though he didn't deserved it.  Even though he did it to himself.  I pitied him.  In some ways, I think I was right to feel that way.  I thought that was justice.  Maybe it was.

When I sat down to write this post, I thought I would end it there, saying that pity I felt was what I wished I could have said to my father.  And it is one thing I wish I could have said to him.  But there's more.

I wish I could have told him that I hated him.  That no one, especially a child, deserves to be treated the way he treated me and the rest of my family.  I wish I could have said that what he did to me as a kid screwed me up.  His words and actions reverberated through my life and I hate him for it.

Physical pain, literal bruises, all that heals itself.  But the parts that don't leave scars...those are the ones that stay with you.  I heard each terrible thing he ever said to me played on a loop in my mind every single day for years of my life.  

 

I want to tell him that despite everything he did to me, I still tried to love him.  I did everything I possibly could, every ridiculous demand he ever made was met, just to make him love me, to make him say I was worthy of love, that I had finally done just one thing right.  But he could never say it and because of him, for the biggest part of my life, I honestly believed that no one would ever love me.  There was a part of me that felt that I deserved whatever he did to me because I was so worthless.

I want to tell him that he took away every good thing anyone ever said about me...I couldn't believe them because of him.  Every pat on the back was mocking me and every rejection was warranted and every time I failed it was to be expected because I couldn't do anything but fail. 

I want to tell him that I prayed harder than anything I had ever prayed for my nephews and nieces to never have to know him because he was the one who wasn't worthy of love.  I want to tell him that I'm glad that my two youngest nephews will look at a picture of him one day and won't even know his name, because he is not worth remembering.

I want to tell him that I was glad he died because things like him don't deserve to live.  I want to tell him that I hope his death was slow and agonizing and that I hope that in his last moments he felt every single ounce of terror that he cause me in my life.

And, more than anything, I want to tell him that I know he was a liar.

I want to tell him that it took everything I had and cost me more than anyone should ever have to pay, but I know, I KNOW, that I have been loved in this life.  That I have been loved for the person I chose to be, because I am NOT stupid and I am NOT worthless and I am NOT unlovable.  And every single time I accomplish something, that's me flipping him the biggest bird I possibly can.

OK...now breathe...

There was a time in my life that I felt like my father made me who I was.  All the faults and flaws and the mistakes and bad decisions I made were, in one way or another, because of him.  Maybe that was immature or maybe I was right...I don't know.

But I do know this:  there comes a time in a person's life where they have to let go of that blame.  If they ever were responsible for your actions, there's a point where other people's control over you ends...a point where you need to say 'that was some messed up bull crap that happened to me but I will not let it rule my life anymore'.

I had that conversation with myself about my father.  The things we do, bad or good, land us right where we deserve to be.  If we don't like where we are, instead of blaming others, we have to step up and take action.  Right what's wrong in your world.

My father spent his time blaming someone else for what was wrong in life.  When he finally left, I like to believe he saw how wrong he was, but it was too late for him to come back.  He was all alone and that was right where he deserved to be.

I can remember him saying once that he believed if a parent had a skill, he should teach it to his child.  I highly doubt he meant it in this way, but he did teach me, through his bad example, exactly what I didn't want to be. 

I was lucky enough to have other people in my life who showed me there is more to who I am than who my father was.  I had people who showed me, with patience and kindness, that the thing he had tried to kill in me was beautiful and worthwhile and oh so very lovable.  I'm fortunate enough to have come to the realization that, even though it's been a long time coming,  I, too, am exactly where I deserve to be.

Where My Feet Go

I'm making up for my slacktitude since vacation with this second post (that ended up pretty long!) in short succession.  Woo Hoo!

I've also got a few more vacation photos at the end of this post (though not all of them, because...lazy photo editor...), so yay for that too!

This week's Documented Life (DLP) prompt was "Polka Dots" and here's what I came up with:

How can there be so much white space and it still be so busy!?!

As you might be able to tell, I had gone a completely different direction for my first attempt at this spread...but I REALLY hated it, so I gessoed over it...one thin coat...clearly too thin...and tried again.  Even though you can see the first try through the gesso...which I didn't really pay attention to until it was too late... I like it much better now.  Mostly because of the quote:

"Your feet will take you where your heart is." -Irish Proverb
I'm giving myself high fives over my slow but steady lettering improvement...VERY slow, but when I actually take my time I can see it getting a better...in 20 or 30 years, I may be an expert letterer!

That quote makes me feel better about the busy background.  When I look at this page, it makes me think that, despite all the noise and chaos and distractions around us, there's some small piece of ourselves that keeps pushing us towards what we want without us even realizing it!  I feel so woowoo/new age/hippie weirdo saying that, but hey, even I can be blindly optimistic from time to time!  (I think the beach vacation helped...) :)

For Journal 52 (J52) this week, the prompt was "Experiment", which has to be my favorite prompt so far!  I like to think of everything I do as an experiment...because if I mess up I can just giggle and say 'Oh well...it was just an experiment...' and then experiment some more!  Experiment and Play have to be in my top art journal words...right next to Try!  Because it's all fun and doesn't have to be serious...or, in my opinion, should NEVER be serious!  (But then again, I don't think there's a whole lot out there in the world that I actually do take seriously...haha...no really...)

At any rate, because I liked this prompt so much, I have two pages ready to show you (and possibly a couple more that I'm still working on).  First page:

"I found the colors and shapes of a perfect autumn."

For this page, I started out with blank watercolor paper and used gel medium through a stencil.  Then after it dried...or more correctly after I thought it dried...I sprayed it with Dylusions ( Lemon Zest, Pure Sunshine, and Squeezed Orange).  You can tell the that some of the gel medium was still wet, because it sucked up some of the Dylusions.  In the areas that are still white, that gel medium had already dried and I could just wipe the Dylusions away.  After that layer of Dylusions dried, I doodled in some of the spaces with a white China Marker and then sprayed those doodles with Dylusions (After Midnight, Cut Grass, and Postbox Red).  The page made me think of patterns found in plants and the colors made me think of the fall, so I wrote my little journaling on a piece of gold painted book page that I had left over from another piece and used gel medium to glue it down.  You can see that the gel medium reactivated the Dylusions and made swipe marks around my triangle...which reminded me of the tiny ripples that might happen when a leaf drops into water...another lovely autumn image!

And then there's this page:

"That was just a dream some of us had." -Joni Mitchell

I got the lyrics on the page from "California" by Joni Mitchell (who, for the record, has a lot of theft-worthy lyrics...I just love her!):

I REALLY like how this page turned out, and it was all because of experimenting.  You see, I've had this tube of gloss gel medium for a LONG time, and I really don't use it...because it's so shiny...ugh.  So I thought to myself, I wonder what would happen if I stuck down some stuff (like tissue paper, napkins, oil pastels, stamping, random papers, etc) in between thick layers of gloss gel medium?  And so that's what I did...I'd stick down napkin bits, then a thick layer of the gloss medium, wait for it to dry (which basically takes overnight, by the way...as in FOREVER to an impatient sort such as myself!), add some papers and stamping, another thick layer of gloss gel medium, and so on.  I think there are either three or four layers of gloss gel...  Then I used cheapie acrylic paints and made this girl, inspired yet again by Mindy Lacefield's art (I can't get her style out of my head!), and wrote Joni Mitchell's lyrics and called it done!  

I don't know how well you can see it, but this page looks VERY different with the thick layers of gloss medium in between as opposed to if I had just glued everything down thinly and painted over that.  In person, you can see how each layer kind of pops forward from the one beneath it!  Now, even though I called it done, I'm pondering whether I should add one more thick layer of gel medium over top of the girl and journaling?  But...I kind of like how the girl and the lyrics are matte compared to the high gloss of everything else...  It makes me want to make a second page like this one, and experiment with adding the final thick layer of gloss vs. not adding it...  Which means I'll have to go buy more gloss gel medium...even though the point was to get rid of what I had because I don't use it.  Now I think I might be warming up to it...  Oh, the perils of being an art journaler!!!

And finally, here are some more vacation photos (although not all of them...):

This is an outdoor corridor at Atalaya.  You can read a little bit about Atalaya itself and see more pictures HERE.  And if you go HERE and scroll down, you can watch a short video about Atalaya.

A big fantastic part of our trip was going to an art show held at Atalaya...I didn't get too may pictures from the show, because it's frowned upon by some artists, but I did get to take a picture of our favorite pieces that I'll share with you in another post...seriously, stay tuned for that, because the artwork is AWESOME!

This bird is, I believe, called an Anhinga.  You can find out why it's sitting like this if you read the "Behavior" section of THIS article!

Please take note of the sign in the picture above...and then take note of this:

I'm an alligator.

You can read a little bit of history about Huntington Beach State Park, which is where the Anhinga and alligator pictures were taken, HERE.  

All the rest of these pictures were taken at Brookgreen Gardens, which you can read about and see more of on their WEBSITE.

I love this picture...the sculpture, I believe entitled "Diana", was one of my favorites!

Brookgreen Gardens is SO cool, and there's so much to see, especially if you enjoy art or flowers/plants...I wish we would have had more time...and that I had worn a more comfy pair of shoes!

Sign describing the really old tree you're about to see in the next picture...

Me in front of the Live Oak tree that was mentioned in the sign above.  Now, I'm a big kind of gal, but look how huge that tree trunk is!  I think it's cool to know this tree was around when the Declaration of Independence was signed!  It reminds me of the Greek proverb "A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in." 

This is my mom with another Live Oak in the background...the Live Oaks in this section of the garden are all over 250 years old...  Mom said this particular Live Oak reminded her of a 'byser', which is what my 2 year old nephew, Remy, calls spiders...Can you tell that Mugga (what Remy calls my mom) and the little man spend a lot of time together?  I think we both wanted to see his reaction to Brookgreen Gardens...he has an appreciation for nature well beyond age!

And lastly, but definitely not leastly, here is one of the SEVERAL pictures I took of my favorite statue at Brookgreen, Don Quixote:

I wish you could have been there to see him with me!

I think it's really interesting how I've branched out internally since taking up art journaling.  Whereas before, I could look at artwork and tell you I liked it or didn't like it, I now look at these works in a different, deeper way!  The statue of Diana above makes me feel energized and alert...there's something about it that makes my blood move a little faster.  The statue of Don Quixote on the other hand, has a slower, more determined air to it.  It seems to me, that he and his horse, Rocinante, plod on towards their goal.  Despite the more melancholy nature of this statue, it seems hopeful, as though they are not giving up...It makes me root for them to make it.  

Sorry, that was just a little brain fart that came to me as I was looking over the pictures...

Did I mention I was NOT ready to come home...I could have spent a whole week just at Brookgreen Gardens itself with no problem...

I'll share more vacation photos with you next post, but for now, I'm off to try and get a little bit of paint on my fingers before bedtime!

Pocketful

For  Documented Life this week, the prompt was to "Create a pocket-fill it with treasures from your week."  Here's what I came up with:

Ta da!

I happened to have a flap on this week's spread, so I turned that into my pocket:

With the help of a piece of scrapbook paper from Jackie, My Honey...

On Saturday, when I read the prompt for the week, I had no clue where I wanted to go with it.  I've been having some trying times recently, and last Thursday and Friday were the worst days I've had for a long time.  Friday was so bad that I think I may have had a mild heart attack or something.  I try not to let things stress me out, especially things I have no control over, but sometimes you just can't help it.  It seems like bad things just pile up and pile up until you reach a breaking point.  It was all I could do to slap down the background colors on the page...and then I was done for the day.

But Sunday was a special day, and I was determined to forget my stress and worries and have a good time.  My family...my mom and two of my sisters and their two sons...had invited me to go to Gatlinburg with them, to the aquarium and wherever else the wind would take us.  If it weren't for their generosity, I wouldn't have been able to go, as I am currently having some money troubles...I won't go any further right now describing that, because I know everybody has money troubles, to the point where I often question why we have to have money at all, especially since it (or the lack of it) causes so many headaches for so many people...but I wanted to mention that they were kind enough to pay my way, because good things deserve to be taken notice of.  I know I wouldn't be in the good mood I'm in right now if it weren't for getting to go enjoy the day with them, so I thank them wholeheartedly.

My mom's very specific monster apple...with chocolate and pecans and drizzled with white chocolate
...no other kind will do!

And so Sunday was a very good day.  Being with my family...or my original family (at least part of it), the before-I-got-married family, who are still my family, though I don't get to be with them as much as I wish I did...was just the ticket to make me remember, yet again, that even when things are really bad, they will turn around and be better soon enough.  

"Amy at the aquarium 072714"...another Mindy Lacefield inspired girl
Can you tell my favorite animal is the turtle?
That's why she got to have a fancy shell!

I don't know why it seems to be so easy to forget the things that are important when we face trying times.  I think the reason that bad things like to pile up on us is so that we start to believe they are bigger than what they are.  In a pile, they can come across as the scary monsters that live under our beds as children, frightening us into believing that we will one day be completely gobbled up by them.  Being with my family was like someone turned on the light, and I saw that what I thought were monsters were only dust bunnies.  And those dust bunnies will be swept away soon enough.

"In dark places, I have found the most beautiful things."

When, in my state of funk on Saturday, I painted my flap with the dark purple paint you see at the top of the above picture, I had no idea that Sunday I would flip though my stash and find a paper that matched the purple almost exactly.  And that the matching paper would have such a nice sentiment on it...one that I could use for remembering the good when the dust bunnies try to choke me out...

"A book of happy thoughts for the week."

I made a little book for the inside of my pocket.  I put my ticket for the aquarium and a card from the place where my mom got her monster apple.  And, most importantly, I wrote down a few small pieces of the day, good things that I was scared I might forget because they are details of a larger picture.  But being small things doesn't make them any less special.

"We outran everything that is bad."

I got the quote from this song, "Peach and Yellow" by Peggy Honeywell:




Yesterday, in a good way, I was thrown for a furious curve.  I got an answer to a question I have had for quite some time, one that I had long given up on receiving.  You might remember from THIS post that "answers" were one of the things I wished for.  I don't quite know how to take it.  I know that it's a good thing, but one that I never expected to get...it's given me a feeling of quiet contemplation...with thankfulness that I don't exactly know how to express.  Perhaps it is just a coincidence.  Or perhaps the universe is throwing me a bone, knowing that I was barely holding on to the end of my rope with my fingertips.  Who knows?  But I am happy to have this knowledge at last.  It's given me hope and seems to have, at least in this moment, made my world right itself to some extent.  I am always amazed when, at the exact moment you feel like letting go, you are given a reason to hold on a little longer.  I find I am tightening my grip yet again, if only to see what's around the bend.

Flap Flap

This week's prompt for Documented Life (you can read more about DL HERE) was "Add a flap to your flap."  I made my own DL journal out of a SmashBook I had lying around since forever and I actually had to add a flap to this page so I could add a flap to that flap.  My original flap (with the monthly calendar) is on the next page.  So flap flap flap. Flap.  (hehe)

This spread was inspired by Mindy Lacefield's work.  You can check her out at her site, TIM'S SALLY.  In my Pinterest adventures, I have seen her work before, but for whatever reason, it has been catching my eye a lot lately.  I think it's her use of color and the childlike quality present in her pieces.  I like that her faces can be sweet and haunting (or slightly sinister looking...at least to me) at the same time.  So here's what I did inspired by her:

I think it's the black eyes that make them appear a little menacing to me...menacing in a good way...if that's possible...

Can I just tell you, despite all my efforts in the past to make realistic looking drawings, that I LOVE this girl! In fact, I love this spread...love, love, LOVE IT!!!

Part of my love for this spread comes from that teal on the page...Liquitex Heavy Body Cobalt Teal, to be exact.  Never in my life, did I think I would be the proud owner of a $20 tube of paint...but here I am...thanks to my lovely and generous mom!  (Thank you, Mom!!!  Smooch!  Smooch!  Smooch!!!)  Oh, hubba hubba!  Isn't it just dreamy?  And the blue on the page (Ultramarine Blue, in case you were wondering) is from my very first bottle of Golden Fluid acrylics!  Can I just say, I feel like a true artist, because I actually used my fancy paints?  Instead of waiting for the 'perfect' time to use them, I made this time be the first time!  I am a little proud/patting myself on the back over the whole thing!  

I have my two fancy bottles of paint sitting next to me on the desk, and every three minutes or so, I look over at them with dreamy eyes and whisper "I love you" to them...

In the background, the card with the flower on it was something my older sister, Marian, made using UTEE (which is ultra thick embossing powder) and an image from the interwebs, I do believe...  In real life, this has a very thick, glossy coat of goodness over it that the camera just won't pick up...but trust me, pure GORGEOUSNESS!  And then, of course is my flap with flap...yay!

I think the childlike quality of this spread lends itself well to my theme...

"We've all had a piece of heaven, but how many of us knew when we had it in our hands?"
I wanted to paint a stylized version of the fancy flower/UTEE piece that my sister had made to kind of tie it in to the page, because they really didn't 'go' together.  I love how the leaf to the right looks especially.

...I guess in my head, my theme is kind of childish in itself.  Basically it's talking about wanting something you know you'll never have.  Hoping beyond hope for something that won't come to be....wishing on a star.  I think it's why I wanted those flowers on the page as well, because even though they're beautiful, they look a little melancholy too.  

Flaps completely flapped out, with some personal journaling on the back.  Also, check out those neat black 'doodles'!  Such a cool technique...it's actually writing that I mirrored.  If you turned it on the side, and covered up half, you should be able to read what I wrote (if you are so inclined)...it's a cool way to have secret words in your pages (although mine's not so secret anymore, I guess!).  All you do is take tracing paper (or any paper thin enough to see through), fold it in half and write whatever it is you want right along the fold.  Then flip the paper over and copy what you wrote (it will be backwards now).  Then open up your paper and you will have a mirror image of your writing.  You can leave all the spaces open or color all or some of them in, and it will give you different looks.  Fun stuff, right!?!

I wonder why we do things like that...why we want what we can't have?  Why do we have to want what doesn't want us back?  And even if we did get what we wanted, it would never be like the picture in our head anyway, so why do we keep dreaming?  All these feelings...they sure are a hassle...just saying...

The adult part of me knows all that.  I know that what I want to happen is not 'good' or 'right'.  I know that it would never be like I imagine.  I know that even wanting the things that I do...'letting' myself want them...is foolish.

But the kid in me...oh, the kid...

I spent most of my life being a tiny adult.  I did what I was told: what was 'good' and what was 'right'.  I was mature and responsible and stable and steady and all those other grown-up words.  All those little kid things ways got locked up inside of me...probably right next to wherever my emotions were hidden...and they never saw the sun.

But now that my emotions are loose in the world, it seems like my secret kid parts have escaped and are rampaging like wild rhinos.  

I, Sweets, the adult, know that it's wrong and stupid and dangerous to want what I want.  But my bull-headed inner child is yelling to the top of her lungs that she doesn't care.  She wants what she wants and she refuses to understand that she can't have it.  She doesn't care that it will only end up hurting.  She doesn't care that it's just a day dream and that it's not possible in this world.  She just wants it and she refuses to be suppressed until she gets what she wants.  No matter how many times I tell her that it's not going to happen, she screams back at me that there's hope.  There's always hope.  And no matter how much the adult in me knows that hope, for the most part, is a terrible lie, she will not accept that.  She just keeps hoping...

...and she just keeps standing there with her arms wide open, waiting for the things she wants to fall into them.