Thursday, April 25, 2013

This is my face...deal with it..

I got to do a really fun set of prompts for my most recent journal page: black & white, self-portrait  and favorite quote or saying.  My love of faces is well documented, so I was excited to get to do another one.  A lot of my recent posts have been me being pretty introspective, so a self-portrait prompt seemed to fit right in with my narcissism!  

I tried to find a good picture, but then remembered I am the most non-photogenic person in the entire world...so I changed the plan and tried to find a decent picture instead...the goal was much more realistic at that point...  Here's the one I ended up picking:

My blurry picture...pay no attention to the mess in the background...it's an illusion...

If you ignore the blurriness of it, this is probably the best picture I've taken in the past 5 or 10 years...seriously...  Most.Non-photogenic.Person.Ever.  It's not a joke people.  Aside from being a decent picture, the other/main reason I picked this one is because it shows the highlights and shading really distinctly.  Thank you, blurry cell phone picture!  You've made my task infinitely more easy!

After all the blabbing to get to this point, here's the page:


My self-portrait...not perfect, but good (enough)
Not too shabby...  Not perfect (I'm looking at you forehead that I made too low!  And you, nose that should be bigger!), but pretty good.  Now that I've taken the picture (thus completing my contractual obligations to the prompts), I'm totally going to colorize this page (with my watercolors, I do believe).  I think that will help to make the page look a little more like me...or at least that's my hope...

As I was in the middle of drawing my face, I realized how little attention I actually pay to my own face.  I mean, I see it every day...I look in the mirror, you know, to make sure I don't have a booger hanging around or something stuck in my teeth and the like, but I don't think I've ever really made a close examination of it before.  I think it's an odd thing to live with yourself all your life and not really know your own details.

I've come to understand that I don't have much knowledge of myself.  I don't really have an awareness of my own opinions on things, or if I do, I don't generally make them known.  I push them to the back-burner.  I suppose it's never been important to me before.  Maybe I'm having an early mid-life crisis, but I have the sudden compelling desire to figure out what it is that I want, who it is that I am (if I was wealthy, or not tied down, or more adventurous, this would be the point where I backpack across Europe...), not the person that I show other people...  I'm well acquainted with that version of me.  I'm longing to get to know the one on the inside...the one I'd be if I wasn't so worried about the thoughts and opinions of others, because let's face it, the one I pretend to be is mostly made up of things I think other people want me to be.  I want to start paying attention to my thoughts and feelings a little better and then let that girl out...I don't want to say the 'real' me, because in the end both versions are technically real...the way a character in a book or play or a movie is real...but I want to quit playing the part.  I want to see who I am when the curtain comes down and there's no audience judging my performance.

Isn't it funny how the mind connects things?  One little blurry picture at the right time spurs a huge idea.  And one huge idea has the potential to slowly bring about change and to set something free that's been locked away for far too long.  

To be honest, I'm exhausted...it's not an easy job to hold up a mask all the time.  And it's even harder to let yourself take off the mask and examine what's behind it...and it's scary too.  Truth is scary.  Change is scary.  If, as John Wayne said, courage is being afraid and saddling up anyway, then I'm feeling pretty courageous right now.  For the first time in a long time, maybe for the first time ever, I'm feeling powerful.  


10 comments:

  1. Absolutely love you! Hugs, Pam

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    1. I love you too, my Pam! *squishes your beautiful face*

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  2. You write so well Sweet! Thank you for opening up so much and your self portrait is great. You're awesome...and you should feel powerful! :)

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    1. Thanks on all accounts, Lynn! This blog has become a dangerous thing for me...all these thoughts come tumbling out before I know it. I've NEVER been very open about things like this before, but I guess my brain is telling me it's time! I hope somebody else can read this and it will be useful to them in some way. Maybe it will help them learn to be themselves a little earlier in life than I have... I don't think I'd be at this point, even now, if it weren't for you and the other ladies from the groups!

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  3. You look perfectly all right! I hate myself on photos too, because I never look the way I want to. Can you see what a good thing a self portrait is. You are much prettier than you were seeing yourself. Keep drawing, that is wonderful!
    Gabriele

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    1. Thanks Gabriele! I think looking at pictures of yourself is kind of like hearing your voice recorded and thinking "That's not really how I sound, is it?!?" You have one idea in your mind of how you are, and when you really start to listen or to look at yourself, you start to see that your idea of yourself isn't quite right! The self-portrait was definitely a good prompt...I can't wait to start putting some color to the drawing and see what happens!

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  4. loved your raw journaling girl! you are entering a new chapter in your life journey and i am so excited for you! i thought your portrait was you even before i read that it was supposed to be a self-portrait! i do have a hint for you, which is my (sshhhhh) secret weapon - have a 'little' take your picture (is remy old enough to hold a camera?) they have an uncanny ability to capture your image as they see you - untainted, and unconditionally loving - some of my best pix have been taken by nieces, nephews, godchildren, and the like.... and i guarantee you i would take a killer photo of you, because my best work is of people i love (or have even just met, whom i know is a kindred spirit) if you ever come to PA - look me up - we'll do a photoshoot!!!! xo eb

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    1. Thanks E.B.! I'm so glad it's a recognizable self-portrait! Woo hoo!!! I like your idea about having a little one take the picture...you can't help but look at them lovingly! Remy is just 6 months old, so no camera for him just yet, but maybe I can get another of my nephews to snap some pictures...Michael's the next youngest and he's 12, so I may hand over the camera next time we're together... If I make my way to PA, I will make sure I look presentable and we'll totally do a photoshoot!

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  5. Love this post! It is so authentic! Love your portrait (both, your drawing & your portrait in words). You are a great writer, too! :)

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    1. Thanks Patricia! I really like to write, but I don't know where all these words come from sometimes...I talk a lot, just usually not so much about me! This blog, especially the last several posts, have turned out to be very much like a diary... an extremely public diary... It's been surprising to see what kind of things come out of my head when I'm working on a piece...I'm interested (and a little scared!)to see what comes next!

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