Thursday, April 18, 2013

April showers...the second...

This is my second attempt at the "April Showers Bring May Flowers" theme that's happening this week on one of the Facebook groups I'm in:
"It's always raining in my head."
It always pays to read instructions...although the weekly challenge is just a suggestion, I want to 'do it right'!  And if I would have read the my defense I did read about two in the morning...(so, let's just say if I would have read them while I was coherent...), I would have noticed that they said "include flower and umbrella"...  The first page I did had a flower...and rain...but sadly, not an I just had to do another page!

This time, the flower is the umbrella, as suggested by one of my FB friends, who said in my first page the flower was an umbrella for all the little bugs hiding in the grass!  Genius, I thought, and wanted to make a page that showcased that brilliant idea!  So my little fairy has herself a flower umbrella, and that's that!

The quote is from a song by Staind.  "It's always raining in my head" is just written over and over again.  I have always heard (though I don't know if it's true) that if a person's favorite color is grey, it is a sign of possible mental illness, so I did the grey background and the quote repetition to signify depression and when I look at it, that's what I see.  I like the contrast between the bright, happy fairy colors and the bleakness of the background.  In my mind, it has the message that what we show on the outside is not always congruent with what's happening inside of us.  

It's been on my mind a lot lately that I wish people would just say what they mean.  I am THE WORST person in the world for not always having a 'filter', some kind of alarm that goes off in a normal brain that tells the mouth what's ok to say and what's better left unsaid.  Instead, my thoughts tend to shoot out of my mouth without that warning bell going off.  And it tends to lead to awkward situations, because for the most part people are not used to hearing things this way, and I've always thought of this tendency as a bad thing.  But recently, I'm starting to wish that more people were like me in this regard.  It could save a lot of time and energy.  

Not that people should say every thought that comes into their brain...dear goodness, how exhausting that would be!  But think how nice it would be if people were just honest with each other.  I'm not saying forget manners and give me brutal honesty; there's a kind way to do it.  But really, at this point, I'd take rude truth over sweet lies.  I've been lucky enough in my life to know a few people who I could trust to always tell me the truth, even if it's not what I wanted to hear.  But it's not a trait you come across every day, and I don't know why.  

And the why is what always gets me.

Today, I was having a conversation with one of my work friends about the whole 'why' question.  We were observing that another co-worker (whom I love ardently) either likes people or doesn't like people with no apparent rhyme or reason.  She meets you, and makes up her mind in that instant whether she is going to like you or not, and there is pretty well nothing you can do to change her mind about it.  I mentioned that I was so happy that she decided she liked me, for the simple reason that it would drive me crazy to know I was disliked but not know why.  And the friend I was talking to said to me "Sometimes there is no why."  And my brain stopped.  Because I can't imagine my head, there's always a reason.  We might not get to know what it is, but it HAS to be there.  And my friend couldn't understand how that one little phrase bothered me so much.  But the truth is (to me anyway) the why is a resolution.  If a person gives you a reason, in this instance as to why they don't like you, you have two options.  You can decide if the person has a valid point and work to change your perceived flaw.  Or you can decide that person's reason is stupid and either work to change their mind about said reason or let it go and move on.  Whatever you decide, whatever way you go, that one little 'why' is the solution.

And I say that to say this:  I've recently lost a good friend of mine over a stupid and inconsequential spat.  I've done everything I can do to reconcile, but to no avail.  Not only will this person not talk to me, but they even refuse to look at me or be in the same room with me if they can help it.  Though I don't feel like I was in the wrong, I sincerely apologized, because this friendship was more important to me than being right.  I was told to 'let it alone'.  

And I therefore conclude two things:  that whatever this is about, it's not about this little tiff (I won't say what it actually was, but let's say it was as stupid as someone being mad at you for saying the sky is blue or saying that you don't like to wear hats...just something as stupid as that)...and that's where the why comes in.  I think I could let it go, I could have a little closure at least, if the person would just tell me why they're so mad.  What did I do that's so bad they can't even look at me?  Because I honestly don't know.  And in not knowing the problem, I will never be able to find a solution, or know if I even want to find a solution.  

The second conclusion I've drawn from this is that clearly I valued our friendship much more than the other person did.  If they were truly my friend, they would at least give me some kind of reason for their sudden disdain.  But, sadly, not so much.  And that's brings us back around to my wish for people to just say what they mean.  If I don't like someone, I wouldn't be rude to them, but I also wouldn't choose to spend any significant amount of time with them either.  I wouldn't make conversation with them, and certainly wouldn't seek them out.  But maybe that's just me.  And that's why I'm wishing people were a little more like me right now.  If at the beginning I would have heard, "we're friends because it's convenient and that may or may not last", I'd probably be a lot less hurt and disappointed than I am right now.  Another of my friends told me that I should pretend that this all doesn't bother me.  And honestly, there's nothing more I can do, even if I wanted to.  I've said all I can say, and so now, anything other than apathy will come across as the desperation of a crazy person, and while crazy, I'm not desperate.  

In the end, unless the other person has a change of heart, I really do have to find a way to let this go.  That's what this page is really about for me.  On the outside, I'm going about my daily life with a smile on my face acting as 'normal' as my version of normal ever is.  On the inside, there's a constant hurricane blowing in my head, with "Why? Why? Why?" circling around in there and it's hard to find peace with all that noise.  Eventually, none of it will matter anymore.  There will either be a reconciliation or the death of what was, for me at least, a beautiful friendship, and it will get buried in the mental dirt that daily life provides and the only memory of it will be a small tombstone that reads "what might have been".

At least doing the above journal page and writing about it has proven mildly cathartic.  Mildly akin to flatulence, emotional turmoil like this is always better out than in.  Sorry you had to listen to my mental farts...


  1. I love listening to your mental farts. LOL Sorry that your "someone" has chosen to be a poophead. Your friendship is too valuable to lose over a few words. Brush it off your shoulder and give a few of your other (real) friends a big ole squishie. Your page is awesome and I have a new found love for you since I saw that your page included lyrics from Staind. Love and Hugs!!! Pam

    1. Thanks Pam! I'm trying...I'm giving you a big ole squishie right now! (And after all the mischief that happened last night on FB, I feel a lot better!)

      I thought you might like the Staind lyrics! I don't like everything they do, but that song is awesome! I like the line "I speak to you in riddles cause my words get in my way." One day that will be a journal page too!

  2. I'm really sorry that this happened to you!
    First of all, I think she wasn't a true friend - as you wrote, if she was, then she would talk it out. Second, you said it very well, we would all be better of if there would be more straight ahead honesty (in a mannered and friendly way, yes, please ;)) around.
    Before I go on and on, I'll just send you a big hug! I hope you can work your why out of the sadness. (I recently saw a page with writing in circles - I have to find it and send you the link. Perhaps you should do that too with your 'Why?!' - maybe that does something in regards to relief)

    1. Thanks Jana!

      It's sad and frustrating how the situation has turned out, but I'm grateful to you and the other girls for always being so kind and for giving me beautiful and happy things to look at and think about!
      Please do send me the link if you think about it (if not that ok to :) I'll love ya either way!)...I will have to try a why page for sure!

      Thanks for the hug! I'm sending a big squish back your way!

  3. Sweet, I really like your fairy with the flower umbrella. As always, I'm amazed that you can draw something that looks so real. I was looking at her arm and it looks like real skin. Amazing to this non drawing friend.

    As for your friend situation.... I've had a similar thing taking place in my life since last May. I've come to the conclusion that sometimes it's not about me at all. That sound crazy when I'm the one not getting phone calls or hugs anymore... but reality is.. I've done everything I know to do and now it's about her.

    She has an issue. She has a problem. There is something in her that is keeping us from our long time friendship. I've had to decided what it more important. My mental well being or a friendship that was not what I thought it was.

    I had to look long and hard at my part and see that I pursued this friendship much more than she ever did. That feed a need in her. When I stopped pursuing it, she didn't really want to so much.

    I've worked very hard to be emotionally healthy. As I've come to love myself,I've not needed to "beg" for people's attention. When I didn't "need" her she didn't seem to like or need me in her life so much. I want equal friendships.. not lopsided ones. Does this change in our friendship bother me? At first very much. I mourned our friendship as I tried to repair it. I have been honest and have done all I know to do. Now I go on with my life. I thought maybe it just needed time but now I think, that whatever her issues are .... are hers and until she deals with them our friendship will stay broken.

    Things will never be the same because I don't trust her anymore. We might be "speaking" friends but I don't trust her with my soul anymore.

    As I've gotten some distance, I see that she thrives on chaos and I don't want chaos in my life. I had it for years and I don't want it anymore.

    I don't know if any of this will help you or not. Just know that this is really her problem.

    1. First, thanks for the compliment! I had to look back at the page after I read it and was like WOO HOO! It made me feel really good!

      I think you're right about our situations being similar. I really like what you said: "...sometimes it's not about me at all." I have the tendency to make everything about me in that I usually feel like everything bad is my fault. And that's just not realistic. I, too, have done what I can to rectify the situation. This time, it CAN'T be my problem, because I don't even know what the problem is!

      I can relate to what you said about being the one who pursued the relationship more. I didn't realize it until after this big mess started. I thought we had a give and take relationship, but I see that I was the one doing most of the giving and getting very little in return. For it to be a healthy relationship, both people would have the other person's interests in mind and I see now that's not the way our relationship worked. This seems to be a recurring theme in my life, this whole being the one who loves more.

      If nothing else, this situation has taught me that I'm growing as a person. In the past, I would have broken myself in half to 'fix' things. I'm not willing to do that this time. I think I'm a decent person and I think I have qualities that would make someone want to be my friend. I shouldn't be trying to force someone to see that. I don't have to do that anymore. If the other person doesn't make a move to reconcile, it's ok to let this go. It's not easy for me, but I'm going to stick to my guns.

      I think a lot of this change in myself has to do with the art journaling. It's making me more confident in myself. It's making me recognize that I do something I can be proud of. And making me see my own self worth more and more.

      You definitely helped me Boo! It's not nice that you are having to go through a similar sad situation, but to be honest, I feel a little relief to know that the universe is not singling me out in the giving grief department!

      We're good people, Boo, and we deserve to surround ourselves with good people! I'm so happy to have you as one of my good people! As sad and frustrating as our situations are, maybe we are just getting rid of the negative people to make room for more good ones! :)

  4. Sweets, you know my mother language is not english, so I will not make as many words as others could. I can only tell you: stay the way you are. You will always meet people, you cannot get along with in the end. You cannot be everybody´s darling, that makes you a shapeless being like a slug. Do you want to be a slug? I hug you for being true!

    1. Gabriele, thank you for your words (and your English is better than most of the people I know...and it's their native tongue!)...what you said is absolutely right. It's hard for me to accept sometimes that not everybody will like me. If I turn myself into a slug just to make them happy, then they still wouldn't like ME, because I am not a wimpy slug! Whoever I'd be if I was a slug, it wouldn't be me at all! Thank you so much for the encouragement! I am sending a big squish back to you!


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