Here's my most recent art journal page:
|Prismacolors and acrylic paint on ultra matte black background|
And close up:
|The Sad Girl|
I've been having a bit of a rough time lately, and I didn't want to make a happy page feeling the way I do. It would be a lie.
Two years ago this May, I lost a very dear friend. He was the best man I have ever had the privilege to know, and it hurts every day not seeing him and hearing his voice.
The way my friend's life ended, by his own hand, makes the loss of him even harder to deal with, to find peace with. I think that the people close to one who commits suicide probably always blame themselves in some way. You ask yourself if you should have seen something, if you could have said or done something that would have stopped them from doing what they had done. And the truth is, you just don't know. You never get to know, and even if you could have, it's always going to be to late to change it. That's a hard reality to come to terms with.
It's gotten easier overtime, or at least I don't think about it every second of the day. But still, and probably for the rest of my life, little thoughts pop into my head and there it is again. I try now to honor his memory, to think about the good things and not the way it ended. I think it's funny how a certain smell, or the way the light shines, or the way I see the movement of another person can call him to mind so quickly...and I don't think that's a bad thing. I don't want to forget him.
I've just been having a hard time lately with him not being here. He always gave such good advice, it was one of the great things about him, and I could use some of his words of wisdom right about now. I guess that's what I've been thinking about lately and what led to this journal page.