Here's my most recent art journal page:
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| Prismacolors and acrylic paint on ultra matte black background |
And close up:
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| The Sad Girl |
I've been having a bit of a rough time lately, and I didn't want to make a happy page feeling the way I do. It would be a lie.
Two years ago this May, I lost a very dear friend. He was the best man I have ever had the privilege to know, and it hurts every day not seeing him and hearing his voice.
The way my friend's life ended, by his own hand, makes the loss of him even harder to deal with, to find peace with. I think that the people close to one who commits suicide probably always blame themselves in some way. You ask yourself if you should have seen something, if you could have said or done something that would have stopped them from doing what they had done. And the truth is, you just don't know. You never get to know, and even if you could have, it's always going to be to late to change it. That's a hard reality to come to terms with.
It's gotten easier overtime, or at least I don't think about it every second of the day. But still, and probably for the rest of my life, little thoughts pop into my head and there it is again. I try now to honor his memory, to think about the good things and not the way it ended. I think it's funny how a certain smell, or the way the light shines, or the way I see the movement of another person can call him to mind so quickly...and I don't think that's a bad thing. I don't want to forget him.
I've just been having a hard time lately with him not being here. He always gave such good advice, it was one of the great things about him, and I could use some of his words of wisdom right about now. I guess that's what I've been thinking about lately and what led to this journal page.
Red, Sorry you are having a hard time. When I saw the page... I thought.. that girl looks so sad. Now I know why. I think your friend would like you art and that you were working through your pain in a healthy way.
ReplyDeleteThanks Boo. I hope that he would...actually, he'd pick on me about it first...he was a joker...then he'd tell me later he'd liked it...after sufficient razzing. I'm not very good at dealing with emotional things, I tend to bottle it up. The art journaling is helping me to get a lot of things out of my head at least, and I think it's better that way. They're not just stuck in my head anymore. Getting them out has helped me.
Deleteawww sweets!!! It is so hard to lose someone you love no matter how or why it happened. We always want the questions answered and unfortunately we will never get them. But to learn to live with the pain and loneliness takes time, it will never go away, but one learns how to live with it and how to deal. You have done an excellent job in finding an outlet. This is THE reason I started my art journal. To deal with a loss and sometimes just putting images and colors (for me anyways) is the only healing I can get. Find your outlet and you use it. You are so brave in sharing this page, I have not been able to share some of my more.....well more personal ones becuase of the fear that they are too dark. maybe I should....it maybe some sort of a theraputic release. i think Boo said it right, you are working through your pain in a healthy way! I am always sorry when anyone goes through any sort of death of a loved one. Would not wish that on anyone every, but life will deal that card to all of us. We just have to try to learn from its lesssons and never forget that we had that person in our life for a reason, and we will always have their memories. Sending love and kindness to you!!!!!
ReplyDeletejennifer
Thanks for the kind words, Jennifer. My sister told me something similar about learning from it. I won't go into details, but basically, the last thing I ever said to him will always bother me. Of course, I didn't know at the time it would be my last words to him. And that's the lesson I try to keep in mind, to think before I speak and act, because no one ever knows if they'll get a next time and to say what I feel. I wish it didn't take what it did for me to learn that lesson, but it is something I could take from what happened to try to make myself a little better as a person. He's always going to be a part of who I am, and I hope that he knew how much I really did and still do love him.
DeleteSweets, you never cease to amaze me. Your artwork is great and girls always have the best faces. I agree with Boo, it is so healthy to release your thoughts and emotions during hard times. I am so sorry that you lost your friend, but I know that he would be so pleased with this tribute you did for him. Keep up the beautiful artwork. ((((Sweets))) Your friend, Pam Robinson
ReplyDeleteThanks Pam. :) I always miss him, but some days are a lot harder than others. I think I forget the journal part of art journal...I just use the pages to practice art. I need to remember the journal part and keep trying to get the feelings (ugh...feelings...I wish I was a robot sometimes...) out of my head and onto the paper. It helped a lot to do this page...it's been really hard for me to move forward, I think we just gotta keep moving our feet sometimes and eventually we find ourselves in a new place, right? :)
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