Countdown, Day 7: And now, what NOT to do...

Last day!  I am so proud I made it this far!  I didn't think I'd be able to do it, but here we are!  Woo Hoo!!!

With yesterday's page being about what I wanted to be like, I thought it would be good to think about what I don't want to be like.  I came up with a lot of good attributes yesterday.  I only came up with 10 things to avoid, but boy, do they encompass a lot! 

So here you go, my list of things to AVOID AT ALL COSTS:

Black white and red only...I like that it's so different from yesterday's light and airy page...this one looks HEAVY.

1. Insecurity- You ARE enough.  Who doesn't struggle with this from time to time?  I am tired of it.  I am enough, and if there's something I don't like about myself, I can change it.  No need to obsess about it any more.

2. Being petty- There will be bigger fish to fry.  In other words, don't sweat the small stuff and don't make the small stuff bigger than it is.  Be honest, is it really that important?  Sometimes we need to 'take a step back and admit we're being ridiculous'. (I saw that quote on pinterest.)

3. Debt- It will stress you out.  Save your money; pay with cash.  Patience is tied into this too.  We live in a 'need it now' world.  It's easy to fall into the trap.  But there will never be ANY material possession that is worth the headache and anxiety caused by giving up financial freedom.  I wish I didn't have to learn this the hard way.  If I ever get out of debt, I will never let myself get sucked back in!

4. Worry- If you can fix it, fix it.  If not, what's the point in worrying?  I used to be so good at being carefree.   Now I worry about scenarios that haven't happened and probably never will happen.  There's a saying: worrying is like a rocking chair, it keeps you busy but you don't get anywhere.  I don't know what changed in me that made me be a worry wart, but I am going to work on changing it back.  

5. Blame- Did they hold a gun to your head?  If not, you had a part.  I am the one who makes the decisions, I am the one who will live with the consequences.  I can say yes and I can say no and blame is pointless.  It doesn't matter who's fault something is, the result is still the same.  It's much wiser to spend time fixing the problem than pointing the finger.

6. Transference- This person is NOT that person.  Don't act as if they were.  (You can read more about transference HERE and HERE)  Just because people act similarly, it doesn't make them the same person.  When a good friend of mine passed away, I found myself actively looking for someone who was like him, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that;  I loved my friend very much and valued his qualities.  I DO want to find those positive traits in others.  The problem happened when I started looking, not for someone like him, but for HIM.  People are individuals, no two are the same.  It's not fair to yourself or the other person to project your emotions onto that person, in effect, making them something they are not and can not be.  If you love someone, love THAT person.  If you angry at someone, be angry at THAT person.    Don't push those feelings (good or bad) onto an undeserving third party.

7. Regret- You can't change it, you can only learn from it and move on.  Being regretful isn't all bad, don't get me wrong.  Having regrets means that we made a mistake and that we recognize it; we have a conscience. But it's very easy to become mired in regret.  Bad things happen.  Some we cause, others not.  We don't get to live life in reverse.  No matter how bad we wish it were otherwise, all a person can do is avoid repeating the mistake.  If we keep living in the past, what's happening now will pass by without us even knowing it.  We only get one go round, let's not waste it by only looking backwards.

8. Can't- Can't never did nothing.  Try.  Try harder.  Keep trying.  When I was a little girl, my mother used to say that to me all the time: "Can't never did nothing."  Oh my goodness, how annoying (and grammatically incorrect) it was.  But I'm older and a little wiser now, and not too proud to say that my mom was right (although it's still bad grammar) .  You can do practically anything you can think of.  You might not be able to do it well, but you can still try.  And if you aren't happy, you try harder and keep trying until you are happy.  I feel like my creative endeavors are a good example of this.  There was a time when I thought I couldn't make art.  But I put my pencil to the paper and found that I could make a mark.  It wasn't good or pretty, but it was a mark on a page and it was a start.  I kept trying and, lo and behold, I am making art. It might not be the most beautiful art in the world, but I'm getting better and better.  Can't stops us in our tracks.  There isn't a limit to what we can do if we try and keep trying.

9.  Hate- Look for their motives.  Pity the stupidity.  Remember: Free Will.  Life is short and I don't want to waste time.  People are going to do stupid things, but hating them is a waste of time.  Hatred clamps down on your brain so hard that you can't seem to shake it.  It really is a shame that some people have to act the way they do.  Hating them for the it, though, is not productive.  I've decided to start looking for the motives a person has for doing things or acting a certain way.  Sometimes there is a relatively valid reason, other times it is pure stupidity in my eyes.  But (and that's a big BUT) everybody has free will, each person has the intrinsic right to do as they see fit.  Walt Whitman said "dismiss what insults your own soul".  I find that if I can pity someone, if I can feel sorry for them over what they do or how they act, then I can do just that: let go of it and move on to better things.

10. Being trendy- Why be them when you can be you?  ...did anyone really ever look good in parachute pants?  Perhaps a better way to put this is "Why be a copy when you can be an original?"  The world would be a boring place if everybody was the same.  Our flaws are what make us human.  Our quirks are what make us interesting.  I've been spending a lot of time thinking about this subject lately.  I've been analyzing myself, not with the intention to fit in NOR with the intention to stand out, but with the intention to be someone I can be proud of.  There are many people I admire, who have certain qualities I would like to possess, but I do not want to be those people; what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another person.  I want to use the good things as 'ingredients'.  I want to take those admirable qualities and my own harmless oddness and mesh them together and make something separate from, and hopefully better than, the pieces I started out with.  I don't want to be anybody else; what I DO want is to be the best version of me.

Countdown, Day 6: When I Grow Up

Day 6 of the countdown...almost there!!!

Since Day 2's post (you can read it here), and really a lot of the posts lately are along the same lines, I've been thinking a lot.  I mentioned that I am having a slight identity crisis.  I've been a good faker for a long time.  

So I decided to start thinking of words that describe what I want to be.  At first, I thought I was going to have a hard time, but once I got going it was hard to stop!  I think I could still be writing if I had more room on the page:

When I grow up I will be...

I had a fun time playing around with different lettering (which is something I want to get better at).  I really like the "when I grow up I will be" and the "happy"...it's meant to look like a little kid's handwriting.  I just wrote it with my left hand (I write right handed normally).  I think I like that the best.  

One good thing about my 'wish' list above is that I am already some of these things!  So that makes me happy...

Other things on my list are going to require a lot of work!  I'm at a good starting point, I think.  I'm ready for a change, and I'm willing to put forth the effort to try to make these positive traits my own.  

I made this the 'when I grow up' list, because right now I feel a little unsure and a little naive, just like the shy little girl I drew.  I know that there will be challenges and a lot to learn.  But instead of being cynical and pessimistic, I'm going to approach it with the unadulterated enthusiasm of youth.  So look out world...I've got my crayons and I'm on a mission!

Countdown, Day 5: Ice Cream and Face Punching

Half-way there!  Woo hoo!  

Instead of a long introduction, I'll just show you my hideous page for today:

"If someone breaks your heart, punch them in the face.  Seriously.  Punch them in the face, then go get ice cream."  -Frank Ocean

I saw this quote on Pinterest and thought it was a good one...deserving of a page in one of the journals for sure.  I REALLY dislike how this page looks...I feel like I ruined ice cream, which should be impossible, due to the greatness of ice cream, but clearly isn't impossible, because I did.  I don't think it's the ice cream itself, it's the rest of it...it's just blah.  I can do better than this!  There will probably be some version of a re-do on this one...  So, I don't like how the page turned out at all...but I do still like the quote!

This silly page is to remind me to let go of the stinky things that other people say.  

I have the fantastic ability to remember every single negative thing that was ever said to me over the course of my life so far.  Ok, maybe not every single thing, but A LOT of them.  I'm like a savant when it comes to remembering mean, hurtful, spiteful, angry words...usually in vivid detail.  Which is odd, because otherwise I have a terrible memory...so bad I sometimes think I've got early onset Alzheimer's.  (Mental disorders are the one thing I get a little hypochondriac-ish about.)  All these negative words stick to my brain and float around in there.  

When I saw this quote, it made me think about my collection of little nasty words.  Despite the silliness of the image this quote called to mind (stick figure with bloody knuckles eating an ice cream cone, with another stick figure knocked out in the background...yes, that's really how I think...I know, I'm a weirdo...), these words are actually pretty wise.  In my case, they seemed to tell me that people can be jerks.  Punch them in the face by ignoring their ridiculousness.  Go get ice cream means don't let it bother you, just let it go and move on.  And the reason you can let it go and move on, is because IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER!!!

I don't know why, at some earlier point in my life, I have not realized it, but so what?  So what if someone says something mean spirited to me?  Sure, it's bound to hurt, especially if it comes from someone you love.  But why hold onto it?  What use is it to hang onto those things?

I saw another quote that says "What other people think of you is NOT your business."  In other words, all those dumb things that I think about so much...they just don't really matter.  It's not on me, it's on them.  

I guess this kind of goes along with my rambling post about my opinion being the one that should be the most important.  I just didn't connect the two things the other day.  If I like who I am or the way I do things, and it's not hurting anyone, then it doesn't matter two flips what someone else has to say about it.  

It's even more silly to keep someone else's opinion on repeat for all your life, especially when the situations those mean words applied to have been over and done with for years!  How in the world has it taken me so long to recognize this fact, when it's so obvious now?  

So, here's the deal: I'm hitting the delete button on all the negative stuff and I'm not going to let my brain record it anymore.  Starting today, I'm punching those heartbreaking words in the face!  And right now...I'm off to get some celebratory ice cream...

Countdown, Day 4: The Outing

I didn't get to do very much today for my creative time, just a little pencil drawing that I'm not done with...but I missed out for a good reason!

When I got home from work today, my husband asked me if I wanted to drive up to the lake.  Even though it's only about 20 minutes away from our house, we haven't driven up to the lake in a couple years.  I don't know how time runs away like that!  It was a big surprise for me, because my husband does not tend to be the most spontaneous person.  Usually there's a couple weeks worth of time between him mentioning doing something and us actually doing it.  It's one of the things that drive me crazy about him!  If I think of something to do, I just go do it; there doesn't need to be a plan.  It's one of the things about me that drives him crazy!

So here are a couple pictures so that you can see what will hopefully be inspiring some art in the next couple days:

Isn't it beautiful?  This is the lake, Lake Watauga.  It's a man-made lake, with two dams, Wilber Dam and Watauga Dam.  I'm so silly, I didn't take any pictures of the dams for you all, but they're there, I promise!

Another lake view.  Something that's kind of neat about the lake is that to make it, they flooded a town (Butler, Tennessee).  Apparently, you can go scuba diving in the lake and the houses and other buildings are still standing under the water!  The funny thing is that there is another nearby town named Butler...I guess those original Butler people weren't ready to give up on that town name! 

We were lucky (lucky ducks, if you will...ha ha ha) enough to see this little family...the dad was nearby, but wouldn't get close enough for me to get a good shot of the whole group.  They were all just quacking away...it was so cute!  It's funny to see the little ducklings going into the water; it was so sweet!  The mother let the babies get very close to us, just a few feet away!  

And then we saw THIS family of Canada Geese.  There were only 3 adult geese and 13 babies!  That doesn't seem normal to me...usually I see a bunch of adults and a couple babies in the group.  They were cute ...they would run and stick their little wings up in the air...I love to see them do that!  The geese were NOT as trusting as the ducks...I was trying to get a better picture of them, but no matter how slowly I walked, they would walk away just as slowly.  I've seen geese go after people (a lot faster than ducks will), so I wasn't going to push my luck!  I just zoomed in as much as I could and had to be satisfied with that!

Then we saw this log in the water.  I tried to convince my husband to go in and get it for me, but he wasn't very willing.  The water is still very cold...and he can't swim.  I told him I'd hold his legs and just kind of swing the rest of him toward it, but he didn't think that was a good idea either...for some reason...  I was very sad, because I think it would have made a cool table or seat for our porch.  I bet it would have weighed a ton anyway and I would have had to drag it up a steep hill to the parking area.  I'm still a little sad about it though, I'm not gonna lie!  On the positive side, I did find a much smaller piece of drift wood, so I brought it home and will be doing something creative with it...I have a couple ideas, but I'm not quite set on which thing I'll do just yet...  It will be a mystery till then, I guess!

I wanted to take a picture of these stairs, just because I think they're neat.  I've liked them since the first time I ever went to Watauga Lake about 10 years ago.  I don't know what it is, but I just love them and had to share!

This is another view of the lake.  That blurry thing in the water was a guy on a jet ski.  I wish we had still been down by the water when he came though...I would have asked him to drag that log over to the shore!  If you look to the right of the picture, you can see a little piece of Wilber Dam.  Watauga Dam looks more like a normal Dam...Wilber looks like a big pile of gravel.

As you can see in this picture, the lake is not usually this high.  We've gotten quite a bit of rain so far this year, and this is the highest I've ever seen the lake!  You can see the trees coming out of the water.  There is about 15-20 feet of rocks from where those trees are to the edge of the water.  Like I said, it's REALLY high!  My husband tried to teach me how to skip rocks across the water, but I am an epic failure at it!  No matter how hard I try, I can just get them to skip once...maybe I just need more practice.

As we were leaving, this little guy came out of the forest and was wondering around.  The picture is dark and blurry because my husband rolled up the window while I was trying to get the picture.  He was convinced that the raccoon was going to jump in the car and give us both rabies or something...so he rolled up the window and sped away.  I don't know why he had to speed away, it's not like the raccoon was going to open the car door or anything!  I guess he just likes to play it safe.  I'm the opposite.  I was trying to open the car door and get out so I could take a better picture.  I think that means that if one of us does get rabies in the end, it will probably be me!

Getting to go to the lake was a nice surprise for me!  It was definitely a fun way to end a work day.  I don't know why we don't do things like this more often.  I guess life gets in the way of fun stuff sometimes.  But today proved to me that it doesn't have to be that way!  I will work on getting out in the world a little more, and not be such a hermit, huddled over my desk doing arts and crafts.  It's nice to get out and and breath fresh air into the lungs and fresh inspiration into the brain...and trust me, my poor little brain needs all the help it can get!

Countdown, Day 3: The Gardener

Day #3 of the countdown to 30.  

I was thinking all day about how disgruntled yesterday's post seemed.  That's a good word for it, I think.  That's just how I felt, too.  No apologies!  But I don't want that to be a major theme of my personality.  I'm happy I got it out, because now there's room for different feelings.  

It's good to see that I do have some kinds of real feelings, even if they're not the ones I want.  I'm trying not to let myself push that negative feeling down completely.  If I feel negative, I want to understand why I'm feeling that way.  If I can figure out where the negative stuff comes from, then I can start to eliminate the cause.  Once the negative stuff is understood and discarded, there will be more room for positive things.

With that in mind, here's today's page:

The journaling says: "I'm not sure what they are yet...it's quite possible they're weeds.  But I won't know till they get a little bigger.  So I'm just gonna water them and watch them grow.  And if, in the end, they're no good, I'll uproot them, toss them aside and start over.  No harm done.  It's just gonna take time and elbow grease, and that's ok.  I need the practice anyway, I think.  I need to relearn how to care, then I'll be ready for the good stuff."

So I've decided I'm like a new gardener...a brain gardener.  I don't quite know what's a weed (stuff that shouldn't be there) and what's a flower (the positive stuff), because these thoughts and feelings are so small that it's practically impossible to tell!  But if I work at it, if I take the time to care for them, eventually they're going to grow.  Then I'll be able to differentiate between the two.  Then I'll pull out the weeds and cultivate the good stuff.  In theory, it's simple enough, right?  

I know it will take time and hard work on my part.  Right now, in my head, it's like a chaotic desert with a bunch of tumbleweeds swirling around, littering the landscape, and not much else happening.  But eventually, I'm going to have a garden...a place of peace and beauty and serenity.  Won't that be nice?

Countdown, Day 2: I'm just tired.

Day #2 of the countdown to 30.  I've been pretty busy with the mundane things in life.  There hasn't been a lot of time for art the past couple weeks.  Or, not my version of 'a lot' anyway.  I like to do something creative every day and that hasn't been happening.  It's partially what spurred my need for the countdown to 30.  The countdown is giving me a good excuse to make sure I'm creative each day (at least for a week).  

I've been feeling extraordinarily frazzled lately.  It seems like I'm running around and around on a little hamster wheel and just not getting anywhere.  Despite what this blog makes me seem like, I don't go around in my daily life expressing my feelings with ease.  I am a fabulous bottler.  I bottle up emotions, hopes, dreams, thoughts...anything and everything.  This is a skill I learned really early on in life.  I found out that there are bad people out there, who will use all that stuff against you.  And so, I learned to hide it and made a great mask of smiling and being funny and being happy.  I've been wearing that face for a long time.  

Lately though, my mask has been starting to break down.  People have started to ask me if I'm ok.  And I find myself saying I'm just tired.  And that's the truth and a lie in the same sentence.  I am tired.  Physically, a little.  Mentally and emotionally, I'm exhausted.  I've been keeping myself hidden for so long that I find even I don't know my real self anymore.  I kept pushing myself down underneath all the fake stuff so much, that I don't know what I want.  I'm sad and I don't know how to let myself cry.  I'm angry and I don't know how to express it.  When I'm happy, I don't know if I'm happy or if I'm still just faking it.  I can't tell anymore.  

With that in mind, here's the journal page I made:

I'm just tired...really, I'm ok.

I've been getting asked if I'm nervous to turn 30.  Will it be hard for me?  Do I dread it?  My husband turned 30 last year, and he's thoroughly convinced it's all been downhill for him since then.  

But honestly, I'm not worried about it.  

For one thing, I work in an office where I am the baby of the group.  The next youngest in age is twelve or thirteen years older than me.  The oldest is a couple years away from 70.  Working with these ladies, I know that I'm still a pup!  With any amount of luck, my life isn't even half over yet.  For another thing, I know that age is nothing but a number.  It doesn't matter how old you are, it's how old you feel.  And mostly, I feel like a little kid who's still waiting to be an adult.  That worries me more, I think.

I said earlier in this post that as a kid I learned not to show my true self because people would use it against me.  Well now, at (almost) 30, it's time for a new lesson.  The lesson now is that people can only use it against you if you let them.  The only power other people's opinions have is the power that you give them.  I'm almost 30.  You know who's opinion should matter to me?  Mine.  Finally.  Finally, my opinion should matter.  I've got a lot of catching up to do.  I've squelched my personal thoughts for so long that I barely remember I had them in the first place.  But slowly, slowly, slowly, I'm going to work on revitalizing myself.  I am going to work hard to let who I am and how I think and feel be made known, first to myself and then to others.  

Am I ok?  No, but I will be.

Mother's Day and the Countdown Begins

It's Mother's day, and officially a week until I reach the age where I am no longer trustworthy.  (Don't trust anyone over 30, man!)  ...Well, technically, I'll be 30, not over 30, so maybe I have another year of trustworthiness to look forward to...or maybe it ends when you hit 30 and 1 day...I don't know what the rules are...  

In regards to Mother's Day, I have a little something to show (and a little something I can't show yet...)  

First, what I can show.  I made a little something for my Work Mom.  Her name is Miss Lettie, and I adore her ever so much!  She is so good to me (way better than I deserve).  She always listens to me when I need to talk, she takes care of me, and she would kick the butts of anyone who did me wrong.  If that's not a mom, I don't know what is!  I always try to make her a little something special for Mother's Day, just so she knows I'm thinking of her and I appreciate her so much.  So here's what I made:

This is the envelope for the card (just a store bought card, nothing handmade...).  I always hate my hand-writing, but check out that sweet 'L'!  I am in love with it...I had to show it off!

Here's my little sketchy girl that I drew and water-colored.  I wanted something simple and sweet, and I am pretty happy with the results.  And Miss Lettie really liked it, and that's the most important part!

I just put her in a simple frame I had painted a soft white to go with the image better.  The frame was a very high gloss white when I started, so I sanded it down and repainted it.  It meshes with the simplicity of the drawing much better now, I think.

In the card I mentioned that the red parts of this drawing are the most important ones: a red headband to show I always think about her, red stockings because she puts the pep in my step and, of course a red heart because I love her very much!

I also made something for my regular mom.  Her name's Marian...she's not that regular, she's actually pretty awesome...I say regular mom to differentiate from my work mom, Miss Lettie.  I don't want to say actual mom, because they both fit that role in my head.  So work mom vs. regular mom...no wait, that sounds like their in a boxing match...  Ok...  Work mom is Miss Lettie, Birth mom is Marian.  There...that sounds better...  

Anyway, I made something for my Birth mom (Marian), but I can't share it yet, because I haven't given it to her yet and she reads the blog and, really, she should see it before anyone else...so I'll have to share it later.

Mother's Day is always a little bit sad for me, because I know that, unless there's some substantial miracle that happens, I won't get to be a mom.  It gets me down sometimes.  

This year, though, I've been thinking about what constitutes a mom.  A mom isn't a mom just because she ruined her lady parts to bring you into the world!  There are a sad amount of women out there that prove this theory by being horrible and irresponsible parents.  There are also a large number of women out there who prove it in a positive way!  Miss Lettie, is my dear friend, and is also like a mom to me.  She listens to me when I need an ear.  She's always taking care of me in a million little ways.  She fusses at me when I say or do something out of line, because she wants me to be a good person.  She encourages me with all my crafty endeavors.  She lets me know that she's proud of me, too!  She makes me feel good about myself.  And all those things, to me, are a big part of what makes a real mom!

So this year, it's not so sad to me that I probably won't have kids of my own.  I can follow the examples of all the amazing women in my life who are helping to shape me (still, at almost 30!) into a good person.  I can try to be kind of woman for others.  So maybe, in the end, I do get to be a mom...and still keep my lady parts in tact...