Countdown, Day 4: The Outing

I didn't get to do very much today for my creative time, just a little pencil drawing that I'm not done with...but I missed out for a good reason!

When I got home from work today, my husband asked me if I wanted to drive up to the lake.  Even though it's only about 20 minutes away from our house, we haven't driven up to the lake in a couple years.  I don't know how time runs away like that!  It was a big surprise for me, because my husband does not tend to be the most spontaneous person.  Usually there's a couple weeks worth of time between him mentioning doing something and us actually doing it.  It's one of the things that drive me crazy about him!  If I think of something to do, I just go do it; there doesn't need to be a plan.  It's one of the things about me that drives him crazy!

So here are a couple pictures so that you can see what will hopefully be inspiring some art in the next couple days:

Isn't it beautiful?  This is the lake, Lake Watauga.  It's a man-made lake, with two dams, Wilber Dam and Watauga Dam.  I'm so silly, I didn't take any pictures of the dams for you all, but they're there, I promise!

Another lake view.  Something that's kind of neat about the lake is that to make it, they flooded a town (Butler, Tennessee).  Apparently, you can go scuba diving in the lake and the houses and other buildings are still standing under the water!  The funny thing is that there is another nearby town named Butler...I guess those original Butler people weren't ready to give up on that town name! 

We were lucky (lucky ducks, if you will...ha ha ha) enough to see this little family...the dad was nearby, but wouldn't get close enough for me to get a good shot of the whole group.  They were all just quacking away...it was so cute!  It's funny to see the little ducklings going into the water; it was so sweet!  The mother let the babies get very close to us, just a few feet away!  

And then we saw THIS family of Canada Geese.  There were only 3 adult geese and 13 babies!  That doesn't seem normal to me...usually I see a bunch of adults and a couple babies in the group.  They were cute ...they would run and stick their little wings up in the air...I love to see them do that!  The geese were NOT as trusting as the ducks...I was trying to get a better picture of them, but no matter how slowly I walked, they would walk away just as slowly.  I've seen geese go after people (a lot faster than ducks will), so I wasn't going to push my luck!  I just zoomed in as much as I could and had to be satisfied with that!

Then we saw this log in the water.  I tried to convince my husband to go in and get it for me, but he wasn't very willing.  The water is still very cold...and he can't swim.  I told him I'd hold his legs and just kind of swing the rest of him toward it, but he didn't think that was a good idea either...for some reason...  I was very sad, because I think it would have made a cool table or seat for our porch.  I bet it would have weighed a ton anyway and I would have had to drag it up a steep hill to the parking area.  I'm still a little sad about it though, I'm not gonna lie!  On the positive side, I did find a much smaller piece of drift wood, so I brought it home and will be doing something creative with it...I have a couple ideas, but I'm not quite set on which thing I'll do just yet...  It will be a mystery till then, I guess!

I wanted to take a picture of these stairs, just because I think they're neat.  I've liked them since the first time I ever went to Watauga Lake about 10 years ago.  I don't know what it is, but I just love them and had to share!

This is another view of the lake.  That blurry thing in the water was a guy on a jet ski.  I wish we had still been down by the water when he came though...I would have asked him to drag that log over to the shore!  If you look to the right of the picture, you can see a little piece of Wilber Dam.  Watauga Dam looks more like a normal Dam...Wilber looks like a big pile of gravel.

As you can see in this picture, the lake is not usually this high.  We've gotten quite a bit of rain so far this year, and this is the highest I've ever seen the lake!  You can see the trees coming out of the water.  There is about 15-20 feet of rocks from where those trees are to the edge of the water.  Like I said, it's REALLY high!  My husband tried to teach me how to skip rocks across the water, but I am an epic failure at it!  No matter how hard I try, I can just get them to skip once...maybe I just need more practice.

As we were leaving, this little guy came out of the forest and was wondering around.  The picture is dark and blurry because my husband rolled up the window while I was trying to get the picture.  He was convinced that the raccoon was going to jump in the car and give us both rabies or something...so he rolled up the window and sped away.  I don't know why he had to speed away, it's not like the raccoon was going to open the car door or anything!  I guess he just likes to play it safe.  I'm the opposite.  I was trying to open the car door and get out so I could take a better picture.  I think that means that if one of us does get rabies in the end, it will probably be me!

Getting to go to the lake was a nice surprise for me!  It was definitely a fun way to end a work day.  I don't know why we don't do things like this more often.  I guess life gets in the way of fun stuff sometimes.  But today proved to me that it doesn't have to be that way!  I will work on getting out in the world a little more, and not be such a hermit, huddled over my desk doing arts and crafts.  It's nice to get out and and breath fresh air into the lungs and fresh inspiration into the brain...and trust me, my poor little brain needs all the help it can get!

Countdown, Day 3: The Gardener

Day #3 of the countdown to 30.  

I was thinking all day about how disgruntled yesterday's post seemed.  That's a good word for it, I think.  That's just how I felt, too.  No apologies!  But I don't want that to be a major theme of my personality.  I'm happy I got it out, because now there's room for different feelings.  

It's good to see that I do have some kinds of real feelings, even if they're not the ones I want.  I'm trying not to let myself push that negative feeling down completely.  If I feel negative, I want to understand why I'm feeling that way.  If I can figure out where the negative stuff comes from, then I can start to eliminate the cause.  Once the negative stuff is understood and discarded, there will be more room for positive things.

With that in mind, here's today's page:

The journaling says: "I'm not sure what they are yet...it's quite possible they're weeds.  But I won't know till they get a little bigger.  So I'm just gonna water them and watch them grow.  And if, in the end, they're no good, I'll uproot them, toss them aside and start over.  No harm done.  It's just gonna take time and elbow grease, and that's ok.  I need the practice anyway, I think.  I need to relearn how to care, then I'll be ready for the good stuff."

So I've decided I'm like a new gardener...a brain gardener.  I don't quite know what's a weed (stuff that shouldn't be there) and what's a flower (the positive stuff), because these thoughts and feelings are so small that it's practically impossible to tell!  But if I work at it, if I take the time to care for them, eventually they're going to grow.  Then I'll be able to differentiate between the two.  Then I'll pull out the weeds and cultivate the good stuff.  In theory, it's simple enough, right?  

I know it will take time and hard work on my part.  Right now, in my head, it's like a chaotic desert with a bunch of tumbleweeds swirling around, littering the landscape, and not much else happening.  But eventually, I'm going to have a garden...a place of peace and beauty and serenity.  Won't that be nice?

Countdown, Day 2: I'm just tired.

Day #2 of the countdown to 30.  I've been pretty busy with the mundane things in life.  There hasn't been a lot of time for art the past couple weeks.  Or, not my version of 'a lot' anyway.  I like to do something creative every day and that hasn't been happening.  It's partially what spurred my need for the countdown to 30.  The countdown is giving me a good excuse to make sure I'm creative each day (at least for a week).  

I've been feeling extraordinarily frazzled lately.  It seems like I'm running around and around on a little hamster wheel and just not getting anywhere.  Despite what this blog makes me seem like, I don't go around in my daily life expressing my feelings with ease.  I am a fabulous bottler.  I bottle up emotions, hopes, dreams, thoughts...anything and everything.  This is a skill I learned really early on in life.  I found out that there are bad people out there, who will use all that stuff against you.  And so, I learned to hide it and made a great mask of smiling and being funny and being happy.  I've been wearing that face for a long time.  

Lately though, my mask has been starting to break down.  People have started to ask me if I'm ok.  And I find myself saying I'm just tired.  And that's the truth and a lie in the same sentence.  I am tired.  Physically, a little.  Mentally and emotionally, I'm exhausted.  I've been keeping myself hidden for so long that I find even I don't know my real self anymore.  I kept pushing myself down underneath all the fake stuff so much, that I don't know what I want.  I'm sad and I don't know how to let myself cry.  I'm angry and I don't know how to express it.  When I'm happy, I don't know if I'm happy or if I'm still just faking it.  I can't tell anymore.  

With that in mind, here's the journal page I made:

I'm just tired...really, I'm ok.

I've been getting asked if I'm nervous to turn 30.  Will it be hard for me?  Do I dread it?  My husband turned 30 last year, and he's thoroughly convinced it's all been downhill for him since then.  

But honestly, I'm not worried about it.  

For one thing, I work in an office where I am the baby of the group.  The next youngest in age is twelve or thirteen years older than me.  The oldest is a couple years away from 70.  Working with these ladies, I know that I'm still a pup!  With any amount of luck, my life isn't even half over yet.  For another thing, I know that age is nothing but a number.  It doesn't matter how old you are, it's how old you feel.  And mostly, I feel like a little kid who's still waiting to be an adult.  That worries me more, I think.

I said earlier in this post that as a kid I learned not to show my true self because people would use it against me.  Well now, at (almost) 30, it's time for a new lesson.  The lesson now is that people can only use it against you if you let them.  The only power other people's opinions have is the power that you give them.  I'm almost 30.  You know who's opinion should matter to me?  Mine.  Finally.  Finally, my opinion should matter.  I've got a lot of catching up to do.  I've squelched my personal thoughts for so long that I barely remember I had them in the first place.  But slowly, slowly, slowly, I'm going to work on revitalizing myself.  I am going to work hard to let who I am and how I think and feel be made known, first to myself and then to others.  

Am I ok?  No, but I will be.

Mother's Day and the Countdown Begins

It's Mother's day, and officially a week until I reach the age where I am no longer trustworthy.  (Don't trust anyone over 30, man!)  ...Well, technically, I'll be 30, not over 30, so maybe I have another year of trustworthiness to look forward to...or maybe it ends when you hit 30 and 1 day...I don't know what the rules are...  

In regards to Mother's Day, I have a little something to show (and a little something I can't show yet...)  

First, what I can show.  I made a little something for my Work Mom.  Her name is Miss Lettie, and I adore her ever so much!  She is so good to me (way better than I deserve).  She always listens to me when I need to talk, she takes care of me, and she would kick the butts of anyone who did me wrong.  If that's not a mom, I don't know what is!  I always try to make her a little something special for Mother's Day, just so she knows I'm thinking of her and I appreciate her so much.  So here's what I made:

This is the envelope for the card (just a store bought card, nothing handmade...).  I always hate my hand-writing, but check out that sweet 'L'!  I am in love with it...I had to show it off!

Here's my little sketchy girl that I drew and water-colored.  I wanted something simple and sweet, and I am pretty happy with the results.  And Miss Lettie really liked it, and that's the most important part!

I just put her in a simple frame I had painted a soft white to go with the image better.  The frame was a very high gloss white when I started, so I sanded it down and repainted it.  It meshes with the simplicity of the drawing much better now, I think.

In the card I mentioned that the red parts of this drawing are the most important ones: a red headband to show I always think about her, red stockings because she puts the pep in my step and, of course a red heart because I love her very much!

I also made something for my regular mom.  Her name's Marian...she's not that regular, she's actually pretty awesome...I say regular mom to differentiate from my work mom, Miss Lettie.  I don't want to say actual mom, because they both fit that role in my head.  So work mom vs. regular mom...no wait, that sounds like their in a boxing match...  Ok...  Work mom is Miss Lettie, Birth mom is Marian.  There...that sounds better...  

Anyway, I made something for my Birth mom (Marian), but I can't share it yet, because I haven't given it to her yet and she reads the blog and, really, she should see it before anyone else...so I'll have to share it later.

Mother's Day is always a little bit sad for me, because I know that, unless there's some substantial miracle that happens, I won't get to be a mom.  It gets me down sometimes.  

This year, though, I've been thinking about what constitutes a mom.  A mom isn't a mom just because she ruined her lady parts to bring you into the world!  There are a sad amount of women out there that prove this theory by being horrible and irresponsible parents.  There are also a large number of women out there who prove it in a positive way!  Miss Lettie, is my dear friend, and is also like a mom to me.  She listens to me when I need an ear.  She's always taking care of me in a million little ways.  She fusses at me when I say or do something out of line, because she wants me to be a good person.  She encourages me with all my crafty endeavors.  She lets me know that she's proud of me, too!  She makes me feel good about myself.  And all those things, to me, are a big part of what makes a real mom!

So this year, it's not so sad to me that I probably won't have kids of my own.  I can follow the examples of all the amazing women in my life who are helping to shape me (still, at almost 30!) into a good person.  I can try to be kind of woman for others.  So maybe, in the end, I do get to be a mom...and still keep my lady parts in tact...

Sehnsucht and The Big What-ifs

Despite the fact that I feel like I haven't accomplished much in the past week or so, I feel like I've been extremely busy!  Don't you just hate that feeling of hurrying and rushing but not actually getting anywhere?  I have been feeling like that all week!  I hate it; it's a yucky feeling for sure.  I much prefer the feeling of relaxed, peaceful working, that doesn't feel like work, but when you look up you realize you've gotten so much done!  I'm looking forward to feeling that way again...and soon, I hope!

Yesterday, I had a lazy day, where I did absolutely nothing but sleep and watch t.v. and lounge about.  I am not normally one to enjoy days like that, and I generally find t.v. pretty mind-numbing, but I have to say, I was ok with it yesterday.  I guess every great once in a while days like that are good.

This morning I got up with a little more vigor and washed some clothes and the dishes and swept the floor.  Then that was enough of cleaning, and I moved on to the much more enjoyable work of art journaling.  I love  making art so much, I don't think it's even fair to call it work!  But I digress...  

I've been working on this page for a while now, trying to get it right...  It's in my little scrappy pocket calendar book that I made.  I know I said that I was going to toss it in my purse and use it for on-the-go sketching, but I was wrong...  I just felt the need to get something into it, before I tossed it into my purse.  So in the end, it may still end up in my purse...or it may end up on my desk and I'll have to find another tiny book for on-the-go sketching...  At any rate, here's the page:

The journaling part says: " Sehnsucht...  And so I sit here alone, missing things that once were, almost, almost crying for possibilities that existed which exist no more, longing to know what could have been but never will be.  If I were braver, I would cry out: 'What have I done?  What have I ever done?' but I'm not, so all I do is silently sit here thinking of sad things that are and happy things that cannot be."

I saw that word "sehnsucht" on Pinterest, and googled it.  It's supposed to be a German word, which doesn't really have an exact English translation, but conveys the feeling of an intense longing  for a person or place no longer in our life or a longing for 'we know not what'.  When I read that, it made me think of all the what-ifs in life.  What if I chose this thing instead of that thing, how would my life be different?  

I wonder if I am the only person who does this...while at the same time, I'm sure I'm not.  It must be something in our nature that makes us question things in this way.  It's an inherent quality in this type of daydream that we will always view these thoughts through rose-colored glasses...the thought of it will be a perfect scenario, if it were real, it could never be like it is in the mind, because nothing in life is ever perfect.  In our heads, it can be perfect and beautiful and that must be why we have such an intense desire for these people and places.  But if we had chosen B instead of A, we'd probably still be daydreaming about the converse.

I think probably everybody has one big 'what-if' in their life, the one that eclipses all the other what-ifs.  I know I do.  When I get down about it, when I really struggle with it, I try to remember that I do picture things in my head much more softly than they would have been in reality.  There are no hard edges in my daydreams, but, had those daydreams been real, who knows how many gashes and bruises those actions would have caused.  And like the lyrics in the song below say, "the grass is greener, but just as hard to mow."

Mail Art Goodness!

Oh Happy Day!!!  I got some lovely mail art yesterday!  Happy, happy, joy, joy!  I am doing the dance of happiness!  It mostly involves me frolicking around the house like an idiot...but an idiot who's REALLY happy, and that's what counts! 

First, I will show you this loveliness from fabulous Denise in Canada, the front of the envelope:

The feathers were inside of the envelope too!  Can I just say that when I stuck my finger in the flap and felt those feathers, I had an almost-peed-my-pants moment of "What the crap am I touching?!?"  I was very relieved when I saw the feathers!  I can't wait to use them!

The back of the envelope:

I love those Stamps!  Such neat touches!  

And what was inside the envelope (besides the feathers that scared the crap out of me!):

I love her SO much!  She's even better in real life!!!  Everything about this piece is fabulous and amazing!  I love that the lyrics showing in the sheet music say "hours away; passing too."  I don't know why, but that made me so happy when I saw it!  Thank you, Denise!  

And then, from the wonderful Jana all the way in Sweden:

The envelope:

Aren't those stamps THE COOLEST EVER?!? (I wish we had cool stamps like that...or that I would remember to ask if the post office has cool stamps...)  I love her envelope too!  I will tell you about the pink paper below...

What was in the envelope:

There were many goodies in the envelope, including a tea filter (on the right), a beautiful Swedish smile  at the top, a beautiful leftover piece from where she made the envelope (I REALLY like this piece, and I wonder what it says! ...that will be a great mystery...I will have to ask Jana...the suspense is killing me!) and the neat pink paper. The pink paper is some that Jana had dyed with beet juice!  Isn't that so cool?  I can't wait to use all of these awesome things!

Also in the envelope was:

An awesome kitty for me!  I love it!!!

And this:

An original artwork by Jana!  I loved this piece when I saw it on her website, and I didn't think it was possible, but I love it even more now that I've seen it in real life!  Thank you, Jana!

I wish I was a better photographer so that you could see how totally awesome all my lovely mail art goodies really are!  Ooh, I also have to say before I forget, that both Denise and Jana have THE BEST handwriting ever!  I was reading over the notes they had included and was possibly drooling in jealousy of how beautiful both ladies handwriting is!  

I can't wait to display my lovely art on the wall of my craft room so that I can look at it every day and get the same squishy happy feeling I have now each time I see it!  Thank you ladies so, so much!  You made my whole weekend better!

Farewell

The theme for Illustration Friday this past week was Farewell.  I was an over-achiever and made two pages...

Here's the first one:

This first one is much more cartoonish; it was something I thought of and just went from brain to paper..

Here's the second one I did:

This second one is a little less cartoonish.  For it, I found an image on Pinterest that inspired the page.   This one is not quite finished.  I have a little more shading work I want to do, but I also wanted to get in under the wire with it for the challenge, so I'm sharing it partway unfinished.

These two pages have shown me that if I want to do something cartoonish, I can draw it right out of my head.  If I want to draw something more realistic, I have to be looking at something real, but what I draw won't necessarily look just like the inspiration image.  I just need it for reference sometimes...

Now that I'm aware of it, I think I can work to make what comes out of my head a little more true to life, at least sometimes.  I don't mind cartoonish.

This was a fun challenge/prompt for me.  I found I could play with the 'Farewell' theme quite a few more times and still have ideas for more pages at the end!  Maybe I need a whole farewell-themed journal...