Monday, September 1, 2014


This week's DOCUMENTED LIFE (DLP) prompt is "Black and White".  Here's what I did:

Keeping it simple this week, I used my Inktense pencils is black, charcoal grey (which is a greenish grey) and bark (which, in my opinion, is a reddish grey).  I used two coats of gesso, but you can still see the up and down arrows that are on the SmashBook pages I worked was totally unintentional, but I think it looks pretty cool...  

The SmashBook that I use for my DLP journal is getting so full!  You can kind of see in the picture above how rounded/humpish the left pages are!  I keep looking at how many weeks are left and wondering how I'm going to manage to work on them, especially the ones at the very will be interesting!

"How can you say things are black and white?  All I see are shades of gray."

Two random thoughts: First, 'shades of gray' has nothing to do with that book...wouldn't want people thinking I'm a pervert...  (It may be true, I just don't want you to think it... haha).  And second, I didn't realize that you could spell it 'gray' or 'grey'...either one is correct.  I always thought it was one or the other, but apparently both are do you live for 31 years and not know that?

This girl is so wonky!  I think I usually manage to cover the wonk pretty well, because I can use color as a distraction, but this girl doesn't have that luxury!  She's not the best girl I've done, but I do like her eyes.  I think they convey what I was going for, but, of course, I know what I was going for, so that may be a bias opinion...

My mom came over yesterday and we got to hang out for a while.  I don't get to see her as much as I'd like to, even though we don't live that far away.  Some days, I really miss the way my family (my mom and my siblings) interact.  In my family, they know my kind of crazy...they're relatively accepting of it, and they can rein me in when I get too far to one extreme or the other.  I've been married for going on 11 years, and while there are good things about the dynamic my husband and I have, he's not always so accepting of my crazy.

For instance, in the past two years, we've had at least five arguments about the fact that I don't believe the moon landing was real.  Now, when I tell you this, I want to explain that I'm not spouting this off to every person I meet or making a huge stink on the internet about it or even mentioning it to anyone unless I'm specifically asked about it.  I don't think about it all the time or anything, but in a simple, passive way, I've just got doubts.

My husband CAN NOT accept that I think this.  That's why we've had arguments about it multiple times.  The most recent one was just last weekend.  I hate arguing...I really do try to avoid it.  This argument, the same one I've had five times, always begins with my husband 'starting a conversation' about it.  As soon as the words come out of his mouth, I know where it's going to lead.

The bad thing about debating something with me is that my brain works fast.  I will always have an immediate answer to whatever question a person will ask...I will always have a counter argument ready before the other person even finishes their sentence.  I'm not saying in any way, shape or form, that I'm smarter than anyone...just that my brain is always going 90 in a 35 zone and most other people tend to follow the speed limit.  Trust me when I say to you that, minus the rare occasion I'm arguing with someone, this racing brain I've got is way more of a curse than a benefit.

So no matter what my husband throws at me about my moon landing beliefs, I have an answer.  I have logical, plausible theories as to why the government would fake it and how/why they could continue to perpetuate the lie and blah, blah, blah.  I won't bore you with that, because it's not the point.

The thing that is bothering me about these arguments is this:  I don't ask anyone to think the way I think.  I accept that Andy believes what he believes and I don't force what I believe on him.  I will gladly listen to another person's opinion, weigh what they say, and consider, with an objective mind, the possibility that I could be wrong.  All I'm asking is to be shown the same respect.

But in this instance, it is not possible for him to give me the respect I give him.  He needs me to say I agree with him.  When he asks for my opinion, he doesn't want my opinion, he wants his opinion repeated back to him in my voice.  He can't accept that I think differently, because this is something that 'everyone knows'...(at one point, everyone 'knew' the earth was flat too...just saying...).

When my husband said that 'everyone knows' the moon landing happened, it made me realize that me not thinking it happened (or, more correctly, that I can accept that there may be an alternative possibility) is not what he has a problem with.  Despite the five arguments we've had about it, he doesn't care that about the moon landing at all.

What all those arguments were really about is the fact that I deviate from the established norm.  I'm not like other people and that's not ok in his eyes.  He's asking me to be something I'm not so that he can be comfortable.  It agitates him that I can't or won't do it.

The really stupid thing, in my eyes, is this: does it really matter?  I'm not hurting anyone, I'm not out there trying to rally people to my crazy conspiracy cause or anything.  So why does it bother him so much to know that on the inside I question things?

I think it's because people like black and white.  To some extent, we all like things to be one way or the other with certainty...without having to question it.  And some people, like my husband, need this certainty so much so that they can only acknowledge one thing as real and can't even consider another possibility.

And me, I'm at the opposite end of that.  Things are NEVER black and white for me.  Facts are not always facts.  Nothing is ever certain.  My mind doesn't let me have that.  The outcome of something isn't the end, it's a question.  I need the why behind the outcome.  I need to know what led to it and if some minor change had happened, would the outcome have been different.  And there are endless variations.  Life is a million shades of grey, but never, ever is it black and white...not even close.

It makes it difficult to live with me, I'm sure.  Really, I find myself wishing more and more that I could see things in such definite terms.  It's very tiring to never be sure of anything.  It hurts sometimes too.  For instance, I was writing in my journal recently and wrote "I don't want to be loved without question, I want to never question that I am loved."  What I mean by that is I don't want unconditional love...I don't want a love where no matter what horrible thing I do, another person can't help but love me.  If I repeatedly do a horrible thing, then I wouldn't want the other person to be stuck in loving me...I would want them to be free of me.  At the same time, I don't want to have to constantly question whether other people really love me.  If I'm a decent person (which I think I am) then I'd like to be able to believe I'm loved for the person that I am.  I don't like that my brain always wonders if it's true or not. I don't want to NEED to know why I'm loved.  But I do, not necessarily because I can't believe it, but because my mind wants the reasoning.  And this is just one example...everything I ever think is questioned, examined, turned over and's just the way my brain works.

  Like I said, I think to some degree, my family gets it...and my husband to a lesser extent...and mostly, I try to not talk about it because it makes people uncomfortable.  It makes people look at me oddly.

The thing is, I'm not wrong.  In the same way that my husband is not wrong.  We all have the right to feel how we do about things.  We all have the right to accept things or to question them as we see fit.  No one should get to dictate another person's normal.

But, just like my husband, there are times that I don't understand how or why people think differently than I do.  I don't understand why my mind works the way that it does.  At the same time, it's often the only way that makes sense to me.  Why don't other people seem to need to know what's behind the curtain/what's underneath/what the motives are when that's such an important thing to me?  How do other people turn off their minds and stop thinking about things and why can't I do the same?

I wonder if anyone out there wishes their mind works like mine does?  I wish I was better at being decisive.  I wish that I was better at knowing with certainty that the way things are is the way things are.  I wonder if there's anyone out there who wishes they had a more open mind?  Maybe there's someone that can't see all the options and wishes they were more like me.  I wish I could find that person and switch with them for a while...just to know what it was like...maybe then I could appreciate my own crazy mind a little more...


  1. I lived for many years believing things were black or white. It was very confining to live that way. I thought I knew the answers and if everyone would just follow my rules all would be well. I was soo wrong. I see now that believing that way gave the illusion of having some control of things. My reality now is I have control over very few things. I can't make anyone behave the way I want them too. Everyone has a free will and I have no control over them. I actually like that now. Thinking I had control over even my tiny part of the world was so tiring. Today I believe that life is mostly shades of gray. It's easier to live that way. I am more willing to accept things and people as they are.

  2. You are a riot! Your brain does seem to work overtime, on things I don't even consider once, never mind going there several times!!! I have to favor your husbands observation, that we did indeed land on the moon! But as you well know, he wasn't there and neither was I! So you could be right and we are the gullible ones! Like you, I don't care what other people believe and I hate arguing! When I was very young and a mother, I was so angry with anyone defending abortion! I would argue and want to shake and slap anyone with an opposite belief! I still believe it's wrong, along with several other beliefs.....but I don't try and convince anyone, that I'm right, or better, because of my beliefs! Life would be boring if you and your husband always agree on who's right, or better at what they know, or how they feel! You just have to agree to disagree, by treating each other with respect! Sometimes humor is the best way to get over it! Gray is okay! That can be your new motto about the moon!๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜


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