Where You Used To Be

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I missed the last couple days because my Uncle Paul passed away on the 9th.  He was 79 years old.  

"Where you used to be, there's a hole in the world,"
This is part of a quote from Edna St. Vincent Millay.   The whole quote reads: " Where you used to be, there's a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell."

I mentioned before that my father was not a nice person.  But because of Uncle Paul (who was my father's brother) and my older brother Glenn, I was fortunate enough to have positive male influence growing up.  They taught me what a real man is...and I know I'm lucky for it.

Uncle Paul's going to be buried today in a flannel shirt and blue jeans.  This makes me smile because I can't remember a time I'd ever seen Uncle Paul in something other than blue jeans, a white undershirt, and a flannel shirt (or just the white undershirt in the summer).  It wouldn't be fitting for him to be in a suit...that wasn't him at all.

I won't be at the burial today, just like I wasn't at the viewing yesterday.  I think that funerals are very much for the living, not for the person who died.  For me, I think that everything we can do for a person, we can only do it when they're alive.  Once they die, it's too late to do anything differently.  

The last time I saw Uncle Paul was, if there is such a thing, a perfect good-bye.  I want to remember him in that way.  I don't want to think of him in that box.  Uncle Paul was a man of action...hunting, fishing, taking care of the farm...always in motion.  I feel like whatever is in that casket...that's not my Uncle.  Not really.  When he breathed out for the last time, he just became a body.

I don't know what happens to us when we die.  I know what I've been taught.  I know a lot of various versions, differing beliefs...and I know what I want to believe.  But the truth is, I don't really know...not for sure.  I suppose one day, I will find out...we all will.  

It would be nice to think that when the people we love die, they're not gone forever.  That instead, they are still out there somewhere watching over us.  I would like to believe that, but I don't.  

Maybe in a way, they are though.  I've learned so much from loved ones who have passed away...they've all taught me something...and maybe that's how they watch over us.  By teaching us how to watch over ourselves.  That I can believe.

I will play catch-up on KIOS tomorrow.  I just wanted to let everyone know what was going on, and that I'm ok.  Now go kiss the people you love and let them know you love them.

Until tomorrow, friends...