I've Got Mean Things On My Mind

The prompt for this week's DOCUMENTED LIFE (DLP) was to "add labels, receipts and business cards -smash book style"

I chose to ignore the first part...the part about labels, etc.  Mostly because I didn't have any of that stuff hanging about...  Ok, maybe a receipt from Walmart...but just because it's a part of my life, doesn't mean I want to immortalize it in my DLP book...because frankly, I avoid Walmart at all costs...and in a perfect world, I would NEVER have to go there...

So instead, I just chose to focus on the "smash book style" part.  Here's what I came up with:

This is so busy...it hurts my eyes...but in all honesty, if you could see how my brain works, it would look something akin to this...

I have a hard time with collage...  I was getting better when I was working on the Alternate Amy stuff, but I took a little break from doing that (I will go back to it at some point), and it seems like the collage skills just flew right out the window...

"Tell me what I don't want to hear..."
"I've got mean things on my mind."
"My tolerance for your appalling stupidity is at an all-time low."

Can you tell I was in a crap-tacular mood?

I got the line about mean things from this song:

The original song is by Robert Johnson, and here's his version:

I don't know that it's everybody's cup of tea, but I have been on a roll with this bluesy kind of music for the past couple weeks...

"It can't all be sweet."
"Art is more than a product of your efforts-it should be about feeling, life, attitude, soul."
-Sergei Bongart

This is not one of the best things I've done...I don't really like it that much...

But I am taking comfort in that quote above...about art being about feeling as well as effort...

This collage is not pretty...but neither were the thoughts behind it...

I'm sure I've written about this before at some point, but of all the emotions I possess, anger is consistently the hardest one to deal with.  It's the one feeling that I still believe I have no right to feel.  And that's kinda stupid, really..

It takes a lot to get me really and truly angry.  It takes a lot of constant provoking to get me to the point where I want to yell...and once I get to that point, I start to cry.  Which is infuriating in itself...  And it's not crying because I'm sad that I'm yelling...oh no.  Crying just seems to be my body's natural reaction to the angry...like I'm allergic to anger or something.  And there's nothing more irritating than that.  Because when you're so mad you want to yell, you want to feel powerful.  You want to stand up and make your point and (if need be) poke someone in the eye with that point!

But instead of that angry adrenalin surge filling me with the appropriate amount of power to make my point, it makes me cry.  ...and then I feel weak.  

And I'm not saying that crying is weak...I've learned that it's very much the opposite of weak...when you're sad.  But when I'm angry and I cry, I think it takes away from my anger...  Like instead of being mad and arguing, the other person has to pity you.  I don't want to be pitied in that instance...I want to be feared!  Or at least respected.  But preferably feared...

I don't like to be angry, but sometimes I have the right to be angry.

I like my weird brain, but sometimes I don't like the way it reacts.  

I like the way I think,but sometimes I hate it too.

I've heard about this lady that doesn't have the ability to forget...everything she's seen, heard, felt or thought is stuck in her brain...it's called hyperthymestic syndrome.  

Sometimes I think I must have a similar disease, except for instead of never forgetting, I can't stop thinking...maybe extreme over-analyzing is the right way to explain it.  It's kind of like there are these videos in my head of all the things that might happen, and they all play constantly, right on top of one another.  It makes it tough to make a decision...  

And the really bad part about it is that I see these ripple effects of my actions for things that don't really matter.  For instance, if I go eat the last Little Debbie right now, my husband will inevitably die in a car crash tomorrow, not having eaten a final oatmeal cream pie...and it will haunt me forever.  I know that's crazy (trust me, I KNOW) but you will be hard pressed to ever find me eating the last of anything...seriously.  And you would think that I could rationalize that in reverse and think I might also die tomorrow and it would be my last chance at an oatmeal cream pie...but no.  In that case, it's just a dumb oatmeal cream pie... 

*sigh*  

Why does my brain work that way?  It makes me feel really abnormal and, while I know I there's no such thing as "normal", there is such a thing as "insane"...and I honestly wonder whether anyone would notice if I ever did go completely off my rocker...especially since my grip on it is pretty questionable to begin with...

What about you?  What's the hardest emotion for you to deal with?  What do you do when you get mad?  Do you eat the last oatmeal cream pie (like a normal person) or leave it for the next guy?  Do you over-analyze things?  Do you ever question your own sanity?