Shameless Self(ie) Promotion

Today's prompt for REVERB14 is:

Please post your favorite picture of yourself from 2014, self-portrait or otherwise!

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

So the picture above is my favorite because of what it represents, more than the picture itself.  This was taken at Brookgreen Gardens on my trip to the beach with my mom.  We had such a fun time and it was fantastically grand to be able to escape from the routine of normal life for a few days.  On this particular day, I got to be surrounded by art and nature and spent hours walking around the grounds shooting the breeze with Mom.  

My mom lives less than an hour away from me and I usually see her at least once a month, but some days I feel...homesick for her.  

Don't get me wrong, I spent a good portion of my life trying to avoid her...sorry Mom...  I think everybody gets real stupid in their teens and early 20s.  No matter how old you get, you're always gonna be a kid in Mom's eyes and when you are on the fringe of adulthood, you kind of get your knickers in a bunch over it.  If you're smart, you eventually realize (if you had a good Mom like me anyway) that Mom was right about a lot of things, and some days all you want is for her to treat you like a kid again and have everything be OK, even if it's only for a little while.

It was nice to get to escape daily life and run away with her to the beach Thelma and Louise style...minus the whole cliff at the end thing...and to do whatever came into our minds to do.  I think we both wished we could have had another day...or month or two...at the beach just doing our thing.

-

I have to confess that the first time I looked at the prompt for Reverb14 today, I apparently didn't look very closely and I thought it said the picture had to be a selfie...I had just woken up and still had zombie brain...don't judge me too harshly for my inability to understand words first thing in the morning...  

So I smoothed down my crazy hair, made sure I didn't have any eyeball boogers and snapped a couple pictures...the best of which was this one:

Who is that sexy gal?

I was feeling really amazed at how great I looked first thing in the morning...like a darn movie star I am!  Then I realized my phone had a feature called "Beauty Face" on it...which automatically photo shops you into a better person.  At first I thought it just made the camera focus on your face...in fact, I only understood what it did after I turned the feature up all the way and it basically photo-shopped my eyebrows out of existence...which, for the record is not a good look for me...  So, for posterity's sake, I turned the feature off and snapped another:

Still better than I thought it was gonna be...

I kind of think my face could look like the first picture if I understood how makeup worked...but since I don't, I'm stuck with the second one...meh, whatever, I don't have to look at it...

Actually, I am wearing some mascara and possibly a little bit of eye shadow in those pictures, residual from yesterday, which was my 11th anniversary (Happy Anniversary to us...eleven whole years of managing not to murder each other...in my eyes the whole 'not murdering each other' thing is the secret to a successful marriage)...  Like I said I don't really understand how to do the makeup thing, but I will occasionally (once a year) pull it out and try...  Mascara, eye shadow, lip gloss...that's the extent of my effort.  I also take that special occasion to blow dry my hair...  I just don't normally take the time to do that stuff.

The older I get, and perhaps the more I learn to accept myself, the more I think about taking the time to learn all that girly stuff.  Not for vanity's sake...not really...I like the lines around my eyes and the other weird little nuances that time and living have added...

More for the fact that I finally feel like I can.  

Sometimes, when I'm at my little sister Gretchen's house, I go into her bathroom and look at all the cool girly stuff she has.   And when I see all those beauty products and what she can do with them, I think it's only right for her to highlight her glorious features...to be proud of her beauty.  It only recently occurred to me that I should be proud of my own.

I mean, I might not win any contests, but I have yet to make anybody's eyes bleed...

I've never really thought of myself as pretty...it's still not the first thing that comes to mind if I were going to describe the good things about myself.  I'd tell you I am funny and smart and a hard worker...and probably a thousand other things before it would ever cross my mind to say 'pretty'.  

But, in my way, I am pretty.  

Beautiful.  Glorious.  Breathtaking.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right?  So maybe I see myself in a different light these days, but for whatever reason, I'm starting to see it.  And I kind of want to celebrate that achievement...with makeup... 

So maybe I quit waiting for a special occasion to highlight my own glorious features...and remember that I can celebrate myself any time I feel like it.

Good Words and Bad Words

Let me tell you a little story:

Once upon a time, there was a young girl.  She was a very nice girl, despite her flaws. But she never saw that.  Perhaps she had been cursed, but for some reason or another, she could not believe the people in her life that said they loved her.  Instead of believing them, she had to believe the unkind people in her life.  The ones who said she was not all that good.  The ones who said she might be smart, but she would never be pretty.  Worst of all, the ones who said she was never loved nor would anyone ever love her.

One day, the girl got sick.  The doctors didn't know why she got sick, but she was.  And when she got sick, the girl began to change.  Her body started melting away.  She could see the change.  Other people could see the change too.  And all those people, the ones who said she wasn't pretty and that she would never be loved, began to see her in a different light.  Perhaps, they thought, they had been wrong...maybe this girl was worth something after all.  But what they couldn't see was that this sickness made the girl mean.  She didn't want their praise.  She wanted to punish them.  She wanted to punish everyone who had ever lied and said they loved her.  And now, in this melted body, she felt like she could.  But a black heart can't tell the difference between lies and the truth, so she punished everyone she knew.  In the end, even herself.

And then one day, out of the blue, the girl got better.  She wasn't sick anymore.  And, over time, her body came back and with it, the good bits of her heart.  And this girl had to live with her regret and the consequences of all the things she had ever done.  She lives with them still, down to this very day.

Me circa the year 2000.

Why did I tell you this sad little story?  Because it's true...it's the truth about a part of my past, and I had to tell you, so that I could explain my page for this week's JOURNAL 52 prompt, "Positive Words":

"Hot as Hell"

You see, I am a fluffy kind of gal...I almost always have been.  With the exception of a few years in my late teens/early 20s, when I lost more than 100 lbs in less than a year with no explanation whatsoever.  You can see my bout of skinny in the picture above.  In fact, I even got thinner than that...never a stick, but, for me, super skinny.  And the story I told you is true, I wasn't a very nice person when I was that size.  I'm not saying that all skinny people are bad, just that I was at the time.

About a year ago, I took my "skinny Amy" picture to work to show a lady in my office...people apparently need proof in order to believe that I had ever been a thin mint...  And the amount of shock displayed over said picture, led to other people wanting to see the picture...  Oh so many people were filled with surprise and disbelief that day...

Now, come back to the present with me.  Earlier this week, someone at work, who had not been there a year ago, mentioned the picture to me, saying: "I heard you used to be skinny..."x" said you were hot as hell!"

And, because everyone likes to be told they're attractive to others, this made me very happy...

But the more I thought about my alleged hotness, the sadder I got.  I was sad because these people see someone who used to be attractive...not a person who's currently attractive.  And nobody likes to feel ugly.

And then I thought about it some more.  And I got angry.  Because I remembered what I acted like then.  I was, by my standards anyway, a pretty horrible person.  Being thin gave me a rush of power...and we all know power tends to corrupt.  And I let myself become something I had always hated.  The pretty girl who knew just how pretty she was.  Not in a self confident way, but in an arrogant, conceited way.

For most of my life, I had a good personality.  I thought I had to.  I wasn't thin or pretty, so I had to make up for what I lacked with a great personality, a sweet disposition, and a willingness to do whatever anyone asked of me...because how else could I get them to love me?

But when I lost all that weight, suddenly being kind didn't matter anymore.  I was so haughty.  People wanted to be around me because I was easy on the eyes.  And when I realized that, I got really bitter.  And then I didn't want to be nice.  I wanted to cause trouble.  I wanted to destroy those stupid people who thought I was special just because I could wear tiny clothes.  And, in some small way, I succeeded.  If in no other way, I at least destroyed myself.

When the weight started coming back, I was left with all the bitterness and desire to hurt people that I felt when I was thin...and that was not me, not the real me, not the person I wanted to be.

What I am now is so much more than I ever was before.  Most days, I am confident.  I am proud of the things I can do.  I have a decent heart.  I have people that I truly love and who truly love me.  I want to have a great personality, a sweet disposition, and to help people again, but this time, I want to do those things, not because I need to to make someone love me, but because I choose it.  Because I love me.  Because I don't need someone else to tell me my value anymore.  I see who I am and I like the person I see.  I know my own value at last.

When I think about it, I get mad that most people see things in a very poor way.  I want to be loved just as much as the next person.  I want people to find me attractive and to want to be around me.  I want people to know I have value.  But a lot of people don't have that kind of vision.  I find that many people see only the outside, even though there's so much more to a human being than what kind of shell they live in.

I am no longer a thin mint.  I haven't been for quite some time.  Part of it is because food is delicious.  Part of it is because I don't want to run unless something very scary is chasing me...and even then, I don't want to be out of breath when I die...  But a bigger part of it is that my size is a protection.  It protects me from people who's vision is cloudy, from people who can't see that what I am is infinitely more important that what I look like.  And it also protects other people, people who I would probably end up hurting, were I thin enough to fool them into caring.  I protect my good heart with layers of fluffiness.

Today, I'm not sad and I'm not angry.  Today, I feel pity for the people who can't see that who I am now is way more hot than I ever was before.  Because if they could really see me, if they could see the person I am inside, they would know what beauty really looked like.  The shell eventually fades, and the only thing that remains is what's inside.  I've spent a long time and put forth a lot of effort to make my inside something I can be proud of...I won't let that be taken away...

So my positive words for today are "hot as hell", not because somebody who barely knows me told me I was pretty once, in a picture.  My positive words come from me...because I am one of the good people who understands that I am hot as hell right now, with my fluffy shell full of beautiful things.

High and Low

The prompt for Journal 52 this week was to use a photograph in your art in some way.  You can read more about that HERE. 

I love what other people can do using pictures and seamlessly blending them into their art.  Major gorgeousness!  I, however, am not very practiced at doing this.  So, because I don't actually have a huge amount of photos, and because I was scared that I would ruin one of the few photos that I do have, I used a photo from an Ikea magazine.  I think this is actually a really good way to practice putting photographs in your art, without the fear of ruining said photo.  I am going to keep practicing with magazine pictures till I get better, and then I will start incorporating actual photos.

So here's what I did:

I looked high and low.

First off, not to shabby for one of my first attempts, right?  I started off with a page that had spray inks already on it, I think from a failed experiment with stencils...basically, the page was a scrap piece of watercolor paper when I started out.  It was horrible looking.  

So I was going to just cover it over with some gesso and start fresh...but when I did that, the ink smeared around (duh, water-soluble spray inks!  I knew that...) and I really liked what accidentally I absolutely knew was going to happen...  

When it was dry, I glued down my magazine photo, and covered it with a thin layer of Glossy Accents so that I easily wipe away anything that accidentally got where it shouldn't get.  It ended up making the picture have those neat ripples in it, which I think makes it look like an older photo.  I imagine if I had done this with a black and white magazine photo, it would totally look like a weather beaten vintage pic!  Again, hooray for happy accidents absolutely knowing what was going to happen from the moment I started...  

Then I used gesso mixed with Dylusions to try and make the image look like it was part of the page instead of sitting on top.  I think this could be done a little more effectively, and I will try more/different things to blend it in next time. 

 Then I added the big lettering at the bottom, and when everything was dry, I took a white pen and did all that scribbley, messy journaling around the photo.  Yes, there are words.  Yes, that is my actual handwriting.  Yes, I can read it.  I know!  I keep telling you I have 12 year old boy handwriting!  To get to the point where I was sure no one else could read it, I wrote down the page first, then turned it horizontally and wrote over that, then turned it diagonally and wrote more and then diagonally the other direction and wrote even more.  That's a good way to get things out of your head, while ensuring no one else will be able to read what you wrote.

I used this song as part of the inspiration for my page:

I think it describes my feelings pretty well in regards to the loss of my friend.  I don't walk around in a cloud of despair everyday like I used to.  I'm learning how to live with what happened, and be happy with the world as it is.  I don't look for him anymore.  I have stopped trying to find pieces of him in the people I meet.  It was driving me crazy to live like that.  And I'm better now that I have come to realize that, even though he's gone and even though no one else in the world will be exactly what he was, I am lucky to have had him in my life and I should take that for what it is and be happy for it.  And most days are happy days.  But the anniversary of his death was Saturday, and I have come to understand that it seems no matter where I am or what I am doing, May 10th will always be tinted with sadness for me.  I imagine that too will get easier with time, but I can't imagine never feeling at least a little sad.   And that's ok.  I don't think anyone gets through life with a pristine heart.  They're all all a little scarred or a little broken.

To paraphrase Rumi, the cracks are where the light shines through.  We take what we have learned from those we love, and we share it with others, consciously or unconsciously.  We empathize with the pain of other people, even if the reason for their pain is not the same as ours.  We just know it hurts, and we can feel that hurt in our own hearts.  Maybe we help them get through it in some small way.  And maybe we learn to love our scars and our broken hearts, not because we wish for them, but because of what they mean...because of who they've made us...because we're lucky to have them...  Because even though they're banged up, they're still beating.

Inner Excavations Week 1

No ICADS this time...I got myself all in a tizzy about messing up the prompt order (I don't know why it's such a big deal to me, but it REALLY is! *angry eyes* ) and haven't done any to the point of finishing and sharing them since.

Actually, I am thinking I am going to wimp out of ICAD...or not wimp out...but...um....back off?  I started doing the ICAD cards because I wanted to do something creative every day, and I liked the idea of something simple and small and tossable if it was too hideous.  And that worked out awesomely for a while. Then I got so involved in doing the cards that I would do them instead of other art.  I think this is where I lost my way...I didn't lose interest, mind you!  I still think it's a great idea, and I am pretty sure I will pick them back up again at some point.  But for right now, my general feeling is that messing up the prompt order and all the CRAZY PERSON amount of stress that resulted from something so little is my brain's attempt to signal me that it's time to do something else for a while.  I love my art journals way too much to neglect them the way I have.  

So, anyhow, I'm thinking that I will do a card on days that I don't have time to do something else or when inspiration is being a hoochie and shaking it in somebody else's craft room.  I feel like the ICAD does deserve a round of applause because it did last a couple weeks for me, and usually my attention span is... wait, I see something shiny...

I am actually starting a different project, which kind of makes me feel like ICAD's slutty girlfriend who left him for someone else...  I'm sorry ICAD...it's not you, it's me!  We can still be friends... *guilty eyes*

In lieu of ICAD, I am starting the Inner Excavate-along over on Effy Wild's blog (as suggested by my friend Wendy).  I am going through the book Inner Excavations-Explore Your Self Through Photography, Poetry, and Mixed Media (by Liz Lamoreax) along with some really wonderful and interesting people.  You can read more about the excavate-along (and join in the dig if you want!) HERE.

As I have mentioned several times in the past, I am generally not a fan of (what I consider to be) the hippy dippy, and when I first skimmed the info on Amazon, I thought that's what it was going to be...  But I went with it and, so far, it has not been too bad!  

Instead of the usual spouting of 'you can do it' and then giving you step by step projects to copy, this book focuses more on the ideas and tasks leading you into being creative, and what direction it takes is entirely up to you.  It is more of a mental and emotional workshop than anything.  And NOT in a fruit loopy way.  It does encourage you 'be present' and take in things that are going on around you.  And to look into the why behind what your thoughts and feelings are.  And you have to know, I am a big fan of the why!  

There are not step by step projects, but there are some really pretty pictures as well as suggestions and tips for inspiration.  I think this would be a great book for people who tend to compare what they do with other people's work.  You know, they follow all the directions and it doesn't end up looking like the picture in the book and then it's a failure in their eyes.  In this book you're really just given inspiration and left to decide for yourself what to do.  I actually REALLY like that aspect!

I like that it involves art, poetry, and photography.  I, of course, LOVE art journaling.  And I have always enjoyed poetry, both reading and writing.  And I do have the desire to start taking more pictures...  So maybe this book was the right thing at the right time after all.  The pictures in the book are just gorgeous and it makes me want to go crazy nut-job with my camera...  

All of the above made me realize I was judging a book by it's cover...how cliche am I???  Stop being so judgmental Sweets!!!

I decided I am going to do a two page spread each week for the art portion of the tasks.  I am using my Dylusions Creative Journal (AT LAST!!!) for this.  It's so much different than what I'm used to...for the sheer size of the journal alone!  Especially considering I've been doing 3x5 ICAD cards for the past three weeks, the 11x8 pages are just HUGE!  I think this is a good thing for the excavate along, because I have the tendency to try to get an entire page done in one day.  I know it's going to be impossible for me to do that in this gigantic journal!  I need to take my time and really consider the information and suggestions in the book, and I think having this huge journal to work in will make me take my time and really THINK about things, instead of just trying  to (semi-mindlessly) make pretty pictures with a quickness.  

So, the point to all that blabbing is that I (shockingly enough) really enjoyed doing the first chapter.

And here's my first two page spread:

There were some really interesting ideas for the photography portion.  I decided that since this is supposed to be exploring self, I would do some awesome bathroom mirror self-portraits.  I feel the need to express how much I am not a fan of having my picture taken.  The whole time I was thinking I might as well be a teenage girl...  It was all I could do to take it seriously and not do the duck face girl look...or the thumbs up cheesy smile look... or the looking off in the distance for some reason look (ok, full disclosure, I did do this one)...  Instead, I did the 'try to make sure my face is actually in the picture look' and the 'I can't see the button, did I just take the picture?' look...  I'm cool like that....

Here's a closer look at just the left page:

I don't have a great printer, and all my photos for this project are going to have to be printed out on it, so we'll just have to get used to grainy photos.  I  tried to use it to my advantage a little bit and make them look like vintage-y photos.  The only one I didn't do anything to is the photo in the middle of this page.  The others I used paint, gelatos, and some other things to age them.    I had done this background a while ago, and , in the beginning, I hadn't planned on using the huge Dylusions journal for this project.  But after doing the poetry prompt, it jumped out at me to work with this background, and I think it works.  I really liked that the stamped girl in the top left was looking down over the page, so I wanted to play with that idea and take it farther.  In the top right photo, I am looking down at my phone (to see if  I am in the shot).  Now it looks to me like I'm looking down at the drawing.  I did the drawing from one of the photos I took that didn't make the cut.  (See, I DID do the 'looking off in the distance for no reason' picture!  *hangs head in shame*)  So I think the drawing looks like she is looking at the middle picture, which is neat because this project is all about exploring 'self'.  I liked the middle picture, because to me it looks like I'm STARING INTO YOUR SOUL!!! BWA-HA-HA!!!  I don't know.  I am not great at thinking about myself although you probably wouldn't guess that from the blog.  In all reality, I guess I don't actually talk a great deal about myself (the deep inner workings part anyway), usually it's the art and then I explain the thought behind it.  This Excavating is like a whole huge Sweet Red Clover bonanza!  

Here's a close up of the right page:

More of my face...I hope you guys love my face, because it seems like you'll be seeing more of it...spattered all over the AJ pages...  I like that there happened to be the peacock feather down in the background I had done.  It fits, because I am pretty proud of myself for going into this thing despite my qualms.  It's been really enjoyable and interesting so far!  And I do love it when I am pushed to go in a direction that is outside my norm...like the photography thing.  Speaking of, I know I am going to have to work on the photography a lot, because these pictures really don't show the brightness of the background at all!  I want to blame it on my camera and say that it doesn't pick up high contrasts well, but really it probably does and I just don't know how to do that yet...I'll work on it.  You know me: practice, practice, practice is my mantra!  On a side note, check out my huge hands!  I swear to goodness, I have ACTUAL MAN HANDS!  They are crazy big, right?!?  ...sorry, that was just a side note...  Anyway, this page has the poem I wrote for the 'Just Write' portion of the chapter.   I stuck with my narcissistic theme and did most of the thoughts starting out with 'I' phrases.

Here is the poem I wrote for the writing portion.  (It's hard to make out in some places in the photo) :

I am a still life painting.

But I am not the color.

I am the black 

the white

the haze

that makes the colors pop off the page

necessary in small doses

but abhorred just the same

for my light and my darkness

neither of which can be discarded

but somehow still so hard to appreciate

"If only she were this instead of that"

or "that instead of this"

but I am not.

Your eyes are drawn away by color

by the noisy crashing of brighter hues.

And you do not really see me.

I begin to see cracks, fissures in my flawed nature

opening wider, 

being pried apart by desperate fingers

spurred on by eyes longing to see what's hidden inside.

I stand resolute but silent:

I am not the song being sung.

I am the catch in the throat, 

the strangled cry.

In my heart I call to you.

I call only your name.

I desire to make sense of  

this curse and gift

like any other, to find meaning 

in things that seem 

so meaningless

so transient, 

so beautiful, yet all in vain

That first part of the poem is what made me think of the bright glorious background I had done in the journal. Then the additions I did, my pictures and the text and drawing and things, were black and white or very bland neutralish colors.  I like that it ties in with the poem in that way.  

I can't wait to see what next week brings about...I'll have a whole week to play with the book this time.  I only just got the book on Friday, and kind of cheated a little by using the background I had done so that I would not feel rushed to keep up...not that you have to do it that way, it's just my slightly neurotic way. Now I'm left with clean blank pages to work on for all the other week...so no cheating can happen!  If the rest of the weeks are as awesome as this first week, I doubt I'll have any problems with 'cheating'...I'm looking forward to digging in full force and really getting down to the roots.

Wow, that was a long ramble!  I'm off to shovel some dirt now...