Have you ever had something happen to you...something you never thought bothered you...and all of the sudden, this thing hits you like a ton of bricks? And you're so completely taken back by this thing...this stupid thing that never mattered before...that it's all you can think about?
It happened to me this week, and it's what's my Documented Life spread for today is about. (You can read more about DL HERE.)
Do you remember being at school, and a group of the 'cool' kids would be talking and some kid would walk by and one of them would say to the other, "Look, Jeremy, there's your girlfriend.", and it was always the dorkiest, grossest, 'loser' kid in the school? I know you know what I'm talking about.
Well, more or less, that happened to me at work...I was the 'girlfriend'.
Now, when forced to think about my appearance, I tend to take a realistic view. I know I'm not the hottest thing on the block...I know I'm not stopping traffic or getting cat calls or whistles or whatever it is that babes get these days...*cough...herpes...cough...cough* But, I'm also not a total hideous beast-monster...nobody's eyeballs start spouting blood when they look at me or anything like that.
Additionally, I'm 30... I work at a factory...theoretically, with other 'adults'...should I even have to be talking about this? Seriously...
My less...noble...side wants to divert attention to someone else and say 'You think I'm the worst looking person in this place? Have you seen that girl...at least I cover my shame.' ...I'm not proud of that...but it's true...
|'secretly, deep inside' (acrylic over writing, colored pencil, canvas stickers)|
The stupid thing about it is that I always thought I didn't care how people felt about my looks. Why should I care? I have basically no control over it. I mean think about it, barring plastic surgery, what am I supposed to do? Besides, I'm an awesome person...that should totally make up for whatever I lack in the looks department.
Generally, I would just laugh things like this off...heck, I'd probably be the first one making the joke about myself. But when faced with the thought that I am the most hideous person someone can point out in a building full of people...well, I guess my pride felt a line was crossed.
|'I forget if I love you or not' (acrylic over writing, multiple stencils, canvas stickers, die-cuts, book pages,and Heidi Swapp ColorShine spray)|
The whole thing just brought up a bunch of weird feelings for me. Not that I go around thinking I'm a gorgeous super model or anything, but this situation made me feel ugly.
I know the important thing is how I view myself...but the thing is, I never think of myself in terms of 'pretty' or 'ugly'...I look in the mirror and I see someone who is smart and funny and kind...I don't think about it the other way. And I love that about myself! And really, I always kind of figured it was up to other people to decide if I'm good looking or not. I mean, 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder', right? I know its my job to make sure I'm pretty on the inside...and I try really hard to accomplish that! But as far as the outside...once I shower and brush my hair and make sure I don't have any visible boogers in my nose or something stuck in my teeth, I feel like my job is pretty much done... But whatever small amount of vanity I have never thought I'd be on the receiving end of a "Jeremy's girlfriend" comment either...
|I guess now we know for sure...|
My husband finds this whole thing hilarious...and I say "Yuck it up, you're the one who married my ugly butt!" He always calls me 'low-maintenance', but after being hit by a barrage of "do you think I'm cute?" all week, he might be forced to reexamine that theory...
This is all a little silly, really, and I know it. But the project is to document life, right? And life is the good and the bad and all the in-between stuff. I don't know why I let it bother me so bad...I'm pretty well over it now...I guess the only thing I'm really certain of...is that I am NOT Jeremy's girlfriend.