Starting To Change

It's been forever, hasn't it?  

It sure seems like it!

I've been adjusting (more on that later) and I actually managed to do a couple of art journal pages, so I thought I'd share them with you...as proof that I'm not dead and all that...

The first page is for JOURNAL 52...week 5...the television prompt, posted way back in January...yes, I am that behind...shame of shames!

"You spent half your life trying to turn the other half around."  -Kathleen Edwards

What does that page have to do with TV you ask?  The words are from this song by Kathleen Edwards, called "Six O'Clock News":

I am not a TV watcher by nature...even when I do, I've got to do something else while I watch...and I wasn't really feeling the TV prompt...until I remembered that song and the line "You spent half your life trying to turn the other half around."  Which I really like and had more to do with where I'm at right now than any other TV related thing, so I just went with it.

And then there's the DOCUMENTED LIFE spread...also from way back in January...I feel so behind!  (Probably because I AM THAT BEHIND!)  The Art Challenge for this spread was "writing" and the Journal Prompt was "words with friends" and here's what I came up with:

You can't see it very much, but I used writing as my beginning layer...it only shows through in a few places.

I got the words on this page from this song, "Time to Leave" by Melissa Ferrick:

And I think they are some wise words indeed:

"You can't fix anyone else, babe."

"Being a friend means knowing when it's time to leave"

Aside from getting a little art journaling in, KAT MCNALLY'S APRIL MOON (still time to join!) has started, and I've been pondering the prompts in my head...she's got such a knack for helping you get to the meat of things, instead of just fluttering on the surface...she just asks the right questions, I guess.  

Kat's Reverb14 prompts last year had a very profound affect on me.  In fact, they are part of the answer to the first April Moon prompt: 

"That's when I knew that this chapter of my life had ended.  And now I was free to..." 

The thought of leaving my husband is something that had occurred to me many times...but there was always a reason not to...me talking myself out of it with one thing or another.  Because it's wasn't something to do lightly.  So I stayed and things just kept piling up and piling up and I stayed and things piled.  And for years of my life, I waited and hoped things would change.  But they didn't change.  And so I decided that maybe if I changed, then it would be an inspiration to others and then they would change too.  But that's not what happened.

There was a point last year, during Reverb14, where I was sitting there typing my answer to one of the prompts and I thought to myself 'I don't want to live this life'.  I was so, so tired of trying and trying and having nothing to show for it.  I'd worked hard to make things better...but I was the only one who was changing...everything around me stayed very much the same...despite my needing it to be otherwise...despite my pleas for something/anything to be different.  

And something in me just snapped...I knew that nothing was ever going to change.  I knew that I was always going to live this same sad existence every day and have that for my life.  And I knew that I did not want to live that life forever.  There had been so much opportunity for things to have ended differently between my husband (Andy) and myself, but Andy was comfortable with the way things were...he didn't want anything to be different, and he didn't seem to care very much about what I wanted. This is not different from the entirety of my marriage...the difference is that I was not ok with it anymore, and I was not willing to keep trying.  He made his choice, and I'm not mad about it...I just wasn't going to let him make my choices anymore.  I needed things to be different and I wasn't going to be the only one compromising any more.  One person can't hold up the world.

And so I left, and I've been staying with my mom since January.  And in some ways, I feel in transition still...not settled...because this is not the end of the line for me...I will get my own place eventually and have my own space and take care of myself completely by myself...and so as I sit here and type away on mom's computer, in mom's house, I feel like a bit of a transient.  

But the thing is, I know now that I am free to do things differently.  That I won't always have this feeling of unrest...that I will find a place to put down roots.  I don't have to do the same things I've always done.  I can make another choice.  I can forge my own path.  And I'm working on it.

And that leads me to the second prompt for April Moon:

 "Knowing what I know now, I would tell my ten-years-ago self:"

Not to damn wait.  

Ten years ago, I was a year and a half into my marriage, and had pretty well already started to have doubts about it.  Instead of listening to my gut, I listened to other people.  People, who despite having the best of intentions, didn't really have the right to decide what I should do.  I chose to listen to them, and I lost a lot of time and opportunities.

I would tell my former self to get it together...pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get to it.  Nobody in life is going to hand you what you want, and you don't get anything by sitting there wishing for it.  If you want it, go work for it.  Don't let anybody tell you who you are and don't let anybody guilt you into being something that you don't want to be.

I'd tell her the same thing I am telling myself today:  Figure out what it is that you want and go get it.  Knuckle down, quit your whining and make things happen.  You don't get to blame anyone else ever again.  Whatever you end up with, good or bad, is because of your actions or lack of them, so whatever choice you make, you better be ready to make it work.

And on that forceful note, I'm done for today...

I'll leave you with some cuteness...Frida the adorable (and growing like a weed) puppy dog:

Had to trick her with treats next to the camera so as to get her to stay still...

...the paw on the leg is the last ditch effort at patience...half a second after I snapped this pic, she jumped up, head-butted me and stole the treat...

Reverb14 Rabbit Wrap-Up

I just want to say before I start, that Reverb14 is coming to a close , and I am NOT ready for that to happen!  Thank you to Kat McNally for this AWESOME experience and thank you to Deborah Weber, the extraordinary woman who led me to Reverb14, and thank you to everyone who left such wonderful comments here on the blog.  I am the world's worst comment responder, but I want you all to know that your good words, like Kat likes to point out, are truly magic and to thank you from the bottom of my heart for bestowing your magic on me during this time together.

Alright...I'm moving on before I start to blubber like a baby...

Today's prompt for REVERB14 is:

Revisit what you wrote on the first day of Reverb14.  How does that compare to where you are now i.e. what can you say today with certainty?  Then, without thinking about it too hard, finish the following sentences:

In 2015, I am open to...

In 2015, I want to feel...

In 2015, I will say no to...

In 2015, I will know I am on the right track when...but when I find myself veering off course, I will gently but firmly...

In December 2015, I want to look back and say...

"Silly" Rabbit...I told you those bunnies keep popping up for me!  I've been thinking about the whole symbolism of rabbits ever since that prompt about signs and symbols...Did you know that the easter holiday originally came from paganism (most 'Christian' holidays do...it's actually an interesting thing to read about...just google it some time) and the celebration of ostara (or astarte) was basically a celebration of rebirth and new life...the rabbit being a symbol of fertility (as well as the egg).  If one were so inclined, I suppose, maybe these rabbits that keep popping up in my art are symbolizing my longing for such a rebirth or a transformation regarding life.  Not that I go in for all that, mind you, but I just thought I'd throw that in there for those who do...you can make of it what you will... :)

There has been a HUGE shift for me during the course of Reverb14.  That FIRST DAY I said "I'm never certain about anything".  Oh buddy, let me tell you, has that ever changed!

Right now, I can say with certainty that I feel Powerful.  That's right, Powerful...with a capitol "P"!  All the forward progress I've made over the past year or so seems to have been focused down into a singular beam of awesomeness through Reverb14.

I am worried, because I've felt this power before.  I know that it is fleeting.  I let things come up and make me doubt myself...make me feel as though all this bravado is just a show...and then I wither, telling myself that I'm not really that girl.

But I'm not going to let that happen this time.  I'm going to continue to own this powerful feeling.  When I start to doubt myself, I'm going to come back and reread my Reverb14 posts to remind me of the girl who wrote all those courageous things...to remind me that the brave girl who poured her heart into this work was me...to remind me that I still am that same Powerful girl determined to make a life for herself.  I am that girl...

Close up of my version...I think he needs some more defining, but I like him too much, so I'm just going to have to make another copy and push that copy further...I'm wimping out of going to far with this guy, cause I REALLY like him!
You can find the original art on my Pinterest board 'Copycat With Respect' or if you speak (I believe) Japanese, HERE.  I believe the original artist's name is Kamoko Sakai and I think their art is MAGNIFICENT!!!

In 2015, I am open to CHANGE.  I am open to feeling fear, facing it, and taking the chance anyway.

In 2015, I want to feel FREE.  I want to feel, at last, as though I am the only person deciding my fate.

In 2015, I will say no to (paraphrasing Walt Whitman) THAT WHICH INSULTS MY SOUL.  I will say no to anything I choose, without feeling guilty and without feeling as though I have to explain my choice.

In 2015, I will know I am on the right track when I JUST KNOW.  I honestly and truly believe that I will be doing some mundane thing in the new year and it will suddenly occur to me that I am on the right track...that the things I had previously only had words for will have finally be put into action...there will be proof, physical evidence that my goals are being met and my dreams are coming true.  If, after that happens, I find myself veering off course, I will gently but firmly REFOCUS and REDIRECT myself.  I will remind myself, in times where I doubt or question, that I am in control.  If I find I don't like where I'm at, I have the ability to change it.  I've lived with very little before and, if need be, I can do it again.  Hard work never hurt anybody, and it's not going to start hurting anyone anytime soon...I will not be afraid of having to work hard to make my ideals come to fruition. 

In December 2015, I want to look back and say THIS YEAR, I WAS THE HAPPIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN.  I want to be able say that I didn't waste another year waiting for change to happen...but, instead, that I went out into the world and I made those changes I longed for.  I want to be able to say that I KNOW I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICES FOR ME and that I AM LIVING A LIFE THAT I'M PROUD OF.

I hope too, that all my Reverb buddies (and anyone reading this) will be able to say the same thing: that in 2015, we are the happiest we have ever been...we made the things we longed for become our reality...we made the right choices...we are proud of where we are in our lives...and that we are looking forward, in eager anticipation, to the joys that each new day will bring. 

♥♥♥

Joy And Space

The prompt for REVERB14 today is:

How could you make space for joy in the year to come?  How could you protect it?

"I would just like some space."

I live in a little house.  It feels so tiny.

I don't think it would be so bad if it weren't for the extraordinary amount of crap in it.  Over the years, we've gathered loads of stuff and you can't get rid of any of it, because "we might need it someday". So my house is full of stuff piled on top of stuff on top of other stuff.  And no matter how a person tries to rearrange it, there's still all that stuff taking up space...making everything feel cluttered and messy.  Nothing can stand out as special because it's all choked up and hidden by superfluous stuff.

I think that we let joy be like that too.  We let it be choked out by other stuff.  We hang onto all the thoughts and feelings from our past and let those things clutter up our minds to the point where there's no room for anything else.  Joy can't stand out as the precious thing it is because it's hidden by all the garbage stuff that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

When I was growing up, my family was pretty poor.  Not to the point where we went without the necessities of life...but pretty close at times.  Every once in a great while, though, my Mom would surprise my little sister and I.  Sometimes we'd come home from school and we'd find a little present on our beds...like a coloring book and a small pack of crayons.  Other times, individually, she'd let us play hooky from school and we'd get to spend time by ourselves with her, just doing the day-to-day stuff that needed done and maybe go to Dairy Queen or McDonald's for a rare treat.

There were a lot of bad things that happened in my childhood.  Like I've mentioned in another post, my father wasn't going to win any awards.  We, all of us, had to work really hard to get by.  By most people's standards, we didn't have anything.

I don't know if it was something that Mom taught us, or something that a person in that situation does naturally, but having so little taught us to look around and appreciate what we did have.  The sky and the stars, the smell of wood smoke (still one of my most favorite smells!), an inexpensive toy, a nice breeze on a warm day, a huge moth on the side of the house, spending time with the people you love...there were so many things that we took note of and appreciated that another person would completely miss.

That ability to notice the little things in life and to find a sense of wonder in them is something that is easily lost to us.  And we lose it in the business of more.  

We get so wrapped up in all the drama and crap that life flings in our direction...and for some reason, instead of tossing those things down, we chose to carry them with us.  And then there's no space in our arms for the good stuff.

In the coming year, I'd like to make space for joy by clearing out the clutter that's blocking my view.  And, once I find my joy again, I'd like to protect it by remembering that just because life is throwing crap my way, I don't have to catch it, and I most certainly don't have to hold onto it if it does happen to land in my arms.

Repeat And Advance

For REVERB14 today, the prompt is:

What sorts of signs and symbols have recurred for you in 2014?  Think: repeating colors, shapes, people, sayings, music, images, ideas.  Where could they possibly be leading you?

Color swatch for some new colored pencils I got this year.

I think I should probably say, first off, that I don't really believe in signs exactly...at least not in the mystical 'from the universe' sort of way.  The closest thing I can admit to buying is the fact that our brains are wired to make connections.  We are always searching for patterns, whether we are aware of it or not.  It's how we learn.  (You can find a bajillion articles on this if you google "pattern recognition and the human brain".)  Whether there's any meaning in patterns we see, aside from our ability to learn from those patterns, whether they're signs or omens or whatever...that's the part of it I'm skeptical about.

That being said, I can tell you some of the patterns I've noticed in 2014.

One thing that came to mind was a run of purple in my art journals this year...I actually recognized this pattern way back in JUNE.  I'm not generally drawn to purple, but it sure did crop up a lot this year.  

I've also had a recent run on bunny rabbits.  I don't know why, other than they're cute, but even today if I had time I was going to draw one for this post...

Which leads me to being drawn to animal related objects in general.  As I look around my studio, I notice that I'm surrounded by turtles, pigs, owls, raccoons, squirrels, dogs, cats, and an assortment of other various creatures...  Honestly, if I had to guess at any deep significance these guys might represent, I would have to tell you that all these things are wild and free...something that I myself would like to attain to...or it could just be that they are cute and quirky...

In my art journals, more than any other pattern, you will find faces on almost every page.  I've talked about this on the blog before, but this pattern I've come to recognize as my emotional outlet.  And then you will also find words, quotes and song lyrics, which are my brain trying to make logical sense of those emotions I'm feeling.  In my journal, faces are emotions and words are how my brain can comprehend those emotions so that action can be taken.

This year, I've also noted that my emotions have been cyclical.  Things I thought I had gotten over kept cropping back up for me...now that one, I can take as a sign, a sign that I wasn't really as 'over it' as I thought I was.  But that led me to discover that my way of feeling emotions (which are relatively new to me, like I've talked about in the past) wasn't so different from people who have dealt with them their whole lives...it was a relief to find that out!

I suppose that the patterns I've noticed most this year are patterns of behavior, in myself and in others.

In others, I've noticed repeating patterns...some people's patterns have drawn me closer to them and other's patterns have caused me to reevaluate my relationships with them.

In myself, I've noticed a deviation from some of the patterns I normally follow.  Things that used to be important to me have become less so...things that I claimed not to care about previously have taken on greater significance.

I believe I'm forming a new pattern of life.  One where I am the central figure and all other things radiate out from me.  In the past, I would have viewed this as selfish, and, even now, writing it down, it might come across that way.  But that's not how I mean it.  There are times in life that it must be that way, if for no other reason than self preservation.

There are times that we have to detach from everything so that we can figure out what it is that we really want to keep and what it is that no longer deserves a place in our lives.  No matter how hard it is, we have to let those undeserving things spiral away from us, because they are heavy and if we kept them close, then surely we would be crushed under their weight or else stretched in a direction we have no desire to go.  I can no longer view it as selfish to try and save yourself.

Maybe that's the problem I have with signs and the like...the idea that something outside of myself is pulling or pushing me in various directions.  I've lived that life.  All it ever got me was a broken heart and a mind full of regret.

Now I'm at the point where I must create a new pattern...and it has to be one where I am the sole artist involved.  So that if my heart gets broken or if I feel regret over something, then at least it comes from actions I chose.

I don't want to bless or blame the 'Universe' or anything else that may or may not be out there sending me signals...not ever again.  Whatever consequences come from my actions, good or bad, I will be able to selfishly proclaim that they are mine alone.

No More Stale Crackers

Today's prompt for REVERB14 is:

What nourishes your soul?  How would you like to incorporate more of this into your life in 2015?

"Desperately seeking partners in crime."

In my head, the idea of something that "nourishes the soul" leans me towards thinking of something done in solitude...by yourself...with no one knowing what you're doing and no one there to interrupt said doings...but that is NOT what immediately popped into my mind today.

Nope, my weird brain went full steam to the opposite of that and refused to come back.

What really got my butter churning today was the idea of simply hanging out with friends who get me...people with whom I am comfortable enough to be my normal crazy self and who feel the same way about me...nobody asking anybody to be anything other than what they are.

Don't get me wrong, I tend to be a fantastic hermit 99% of the time.  I need time away from people because it can get to be too much and I need to recharge or else I get...I don't know...psychotic might be the best way to describe it.  

But there's a part of me...a really huge part...that wants to be...whatever the opposite of a hermit is...

I've always been ok with solitude, with being lonely...it never really bothered me that much.  But there is a huge difference between being lonely when you're actually alone and being lonely with someone in the same room.

I've allowed my circumstances over the past several years to overrule my need for social interaction.  Avoiding it saved me from arguments and headaches and wasted breath and I've allowed myself to be "content" to just come home every day and sit in relative silence and an uneasy form solitude and say that was enough.

It is not enough.

All I want is to go out and talk and laugh and be silly and have interesting and/or ridiculous conversations.

It's been shoved into my head that I want too much...that I'm asking something out of the way and unreasonable.  I quit even mentioning it, because it only causes trouble and nothing ever ends up happening anyhow...sadly, a lot of things seem to that way...and I have no patience for wasting my breath.  

Over the course of this past year especially, I've realized that I don't actually need anyone's permission to do anything.  

I've gotten to the point where, once or twice,  I've just gone and had my (completely innocent, just so we're all on the same page) fun and then skirted around the truth of where I was.  But I really don't like the secrecy of it. I hate feeling like I have to sneak around as though I were doing something wrong, when all I want is to have a friend...god forbid that happen!

I've neglected my need for companionship and conversation and variety for so long.  It's especially disappointing because the opportunity for these things is all around me.  It's like being in a banquet hall full of all kinds of delicious foods and having someone force you to sit there and eat stale crackers every day.  Sure, you can survive, you're not starving to death, but are you really getting everything you need to be healthy and strong?

In the coming year, I'm going to quit letting those stale crackers be forced down my throat!  I'm going to do whatever it takes to not let my soul wither away from starvation.  I will let myself get full on the variety of life that is all around me, and I won't let myself feel guilty or ashamed for stepping up and claiming the things that I need to enjoy life to the full.

Tired of Your Crap

The prompt for REVERB14 today is (pardon the French):

How can you stop being an a-hole, get out of your own way, and make room for more of your magic to happen in 2015?

"Getting real tired of your crap."

I actually took a lot of inspiration from SUMMER PIERRE, who was the muse behind today's prompt.  In a slightly different way, I am also too harsh with my own artistic ideas.

I think the problem for me, and maybe other creative types face the same issue, is that I want to be 'good' at what I do.  And there's nothing wrong with wanting to do a good job or to make something you're proud of.  The downfall of this line of thinking comes when your desire to do 'good' outweighs your desire to move forward and experiment with your art.

When you lose that open attitude, you get stuck in a rut.  For some people, this means never even attempting to make art because they aren't currently 'good' at it.  I am relatively lucky because I didn't really have that problem when I was first starting out.  I was willing to put forth the effort and learn.

My rut came after I started making things I was proud of.  For me, it's my faces.  I love making my faces.  Part of the reason I love them is because I am halfway decent at it...I know what steps to take to get to a place where I'm happy, or at least relatively satisfied, with how they turn out.  And again, I don't think there's anything wrong with doing something you know and love...whatever that tried and true thing may be.

If you're always doing what you know,though, there's no space for learning.  To be honest, I like to think I do learn something new every time I make a face...a new detail, a different way of doing something...and I don't think I'll ever shut the door on faces entirely.

But at this point, I'm starting to feel a little too repetitive.  It's gone beyond a theme and turned into a rut.  Themes I am totally cool with...it's like having a signature style...something that is uniquely you and that others can recognize you by.  Ruts worry me, though, because they lead to boredom...and maybe, eventually, stopping altogether.

Right now, I think the biggest way I am an a-hole or, as a fellow blogger who I adore called it, an asshat (heehee...that is a great word...), is by telling myself I have to be good at something immediately and every time.  What a sack of crap that is!

The most idiotic part about the whole thing is that I know, I KNOW, from my past artistic experiences, you learn a million times more from the ugly, the bad, and the gigantic mistakes than you ever would from making perfect piece after perfect piece.

Coming in at second place in the idiocy competition is that I know that I LOVE to experiment.  Seriously, I cannot even tell you how many times I figured out something cool just because I didn't know the 'right' way to use a product or because I didn't have a certain thing I 'needed' so I just tried substituting with what I had and stumbled onto a brilliant new technique!

This reluctant attitude towards doing something different is dumb, dumb, DUMB and, frankly, lazy as well...and I have NO TOLERANCE for laziness!

Honestly, I think I've just been an asshat to myself in the wrong direction.  I shouldn't be internally mocking myself for making an ugly page.  I should be internally mocking myself for for not having the boobs (cause I literally can't have the balls to do anything...) to risk making an ugly page...because the other side of that risk of ugliness is glorious originality and continual progress.

So from now on, before I start working in one of my journals, I'm going to have to take a look at the scary girl I drew above...she's tired of my wimpy crap...and she's going to bully me back into artistic bravery!  No more asshattery in the wrong direction!

Try And Then Stop

For DOCUMENTED LIFE this week, the prompt was "Arrows" and here's what I came up with:

"See the past, but look ahead."

I think the combination of the two pages is...not my best work.  (Insert frowning face here.)

But if you look at them as individual pages, they're not quite as terrible.

And I do enjoy the sentiment...so I guess I won't gesso them over and start again.  Not every page has to be good, right?  It would be so boring to be perfect...thank goodness I'll always have something to work on.

-

For REVERB14, today's prompt is:

In 2015, is there something you'd like to try harder at because you believe it would make all the difference?  Conversely, what is something you could stop trying so hard at that might actually help you manifest what you'd like?

I think the right answer to this question...or at least the honest one...is I'd like to try harder at everything.  Or even, just try.

In my adult life, I have managed to give up on a lot of things that should be important.

In many ways, I live in a sort of survival mode.  What I mean is that I do the things I have to do to get by day to day.  I go to work.  I eat.  I sleep.  I do the bare minimum of housework so as not to catch scurvy or some other terrible disease.  I survive, but I don't thrive.  I'm not dead, but I'm not really living.

I wasn't always like this...I used to be a fighter.  Don't get me wrong, I still do, on occasion, fight for what I want to happen...but not often.  Mostly what I've been doing is taking things lying down.

It started, I think, under the idea of compromise.  I had this naive notion that if I would let something happen someone else's way, then it would be my turn and something would be done my way.  But that's not what ended up happening.  Instead, in order to avoid an argument, I just kept letting the other person decide how things would be done.  

Compromise only works if two people are willing to do it...otherwise, it's just one person getting steamrolled.  After a while, it gets to the point where not only do you not get your way, but where your ideas are stupid...laughable even.  Over time, you just give up completely.

 Eventually, I stopped putting any effort into anything.  Call it passive resistance, I guess.  

If you don't shut up about your views on what I cook for dinner, I stop cooking.  If you don't appreciate the fact that I do the laundry, do your own.  If you're going to dirty the house I just spent hours cleaning, I'll stop cleaning.  The list goes on.

But I hate the way things are now.  I'm ashamed I've let it get this far.  Not only for the physical aspects, like living in a filthy and disorganized house, but more for the overall attitude of disinterest I've had for so long...for allowing myself to be bullied into a corner.

The thing is I know me.  If I don't do something drastic, it will only continue this way forever.  

In 2015, the thing I need to stop trying so hard at is believing other people will change. ..that they will  quit being selfish and suddenly show consideration for me.  Logically, if it hasn't happened yet, then it's not going to happen.

Metaphorically, I'm way past the point of cleaning house.  The only solution now is to burn it down and walk away.  

I've held off for a long time because I thought things would change...that if I was different, it would motivate other people to be different too.  But that's not happening.  And at this point, to be perfectly honest, even if there was any sincere effort, it would be too little, too late.  I wouldn't believe it would be a lasting change.  Like so many times in the past, it would be a temporary fix to shut me up...and then, when I calmed down, things would go right back to the way they were. That's happened too many times to count, and I'm done.  I'm so done.

In 2015, I am going to calmly strike the match and walk away.  And then, I will work hard to build something new for myself...something I can be proud of...something worth fighting for.

Anyway

Today's prompt for REVERB14 is:

What are you really proud that you made happen in 2014, despite the gremlins?

And what will you do anyway'in 2015?

No.
(end of story)

I don't know if anyone else's 'gremlins' go this far, but mine like to tell me that I am responsible for the fate of all mankind.

OK, that's a slight exaggeration...BUT they do like to make me think that I'm responsible for the people I know personally.

I'm really proud that this year I figured out that's not true.  I'm not responsible for fixing everything, making everything better, or shielding anyone from the harsh reality of life.

I am responsible for one person in this world: me.  And while I can show kindness and concern for others, it is not my place to step in and do everything for everyone or to make the world all sunshine and roses.

I've always tried to live my life in a way that didn't disappoint the people I care about.  And then there have been times that I have done what I wanted and tried to shield them from the truth of the things I've done, but for the same reason of not wanting to be a disappointment.

The easiest way to shield people from the truth is to lie.  I got really, really good at lying.  For a long time, I looked at my lying as a sort of virtue.  It saves people from the truth of hard situations and it saves me from disappointing people...as long as they never find out the truth.  

But I don't like lying and I don't want to be a liar and I don't want to shield people from ME anymore.  

Instead, I am choosing a different way. 

 I am choosing to live my life as I see fit.  I also choose to stop trying to take responsibility for other people's choices...meaning that if someone doesn't like the choices I make, then they have the choice to not be in my life anymore...that's THEIR choice.  I don't want to lose people, but it is their choice and I won't interfere with that.  In a similar way, others might have the right to state their opinion or to give advise, but I have the SOLE right to decide whether or not I listen.  And I am not responsible for their feelings if I don't...that's their deal, not mine.  That's a hard thing for me to accept, but it's a true thing.  

I've heard it said in multiple places: No is a complete sentence.  In other words, whatever choices you might make, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.  Living that sentence has proven to be an entirely new experience for me.

Every choice we make has consequences.  In my eyes, in any given situation, the scariest thing that could happen was for me to disappoint someone I loved and for them to choose to not be a part of my life anymore because of it.  I don't know what it is exactly...maybe learning to accept myself or maybe the fear of living someone else's life for the rest of mine or maybe something else...but, for whatever reason,  losing people because of making my own choices, while it's not my ideal, is becoming a consequence I can live with.

To me, that feels like a mature line of thinking, and I'm proud of the fact that I've grown up a little this past year...it took me thirty-one years to get there, but better late than never, right?

For 2015, I want to continue working on this.  There are bigger choices in store for me in 2015...or, really, the choices are made, it's a matter of acting on them.  

Frankly, certain things have to be done, no matter how difficult it might be to do them...no matter that I'm afraid of what might happen...no matter that I don't know what the exact consequences might be.  

Ten or fifteen years from now, I don't want to be thinking and feeling the exact same things I have thought and felt these past ten or fifteen.  It is the very definition of crazy to do the same thing repeatedly and expect different results.  

I don't want to be a crazy old woman full of regret.  I don't want to wait to live my choices anymore.

In 2015, I will act on the choices I have made.

I will be afraid of the potential consequences.  I will fear hurting or disappointing people I care about.  I will be afraid of being wrong.  I will be afraid of the risks involved.  But despite all these things, it's my choice, and I will do it anyway.

Philosophy, Eggs, Roots, and Anchors

The prompt for this week's JOURNAL 52 page is "Think Sparkle and Shine - Lights, Bright Night Stars, Glitter, Metallics, Anything That Adds a Little Sparkle."  And here's what I did:

Oh crap...

I have strongly mixed feelings about this page...allow me to explain.

It started out as a genius plan to use this song, entitled "Sparkle and Shine" (how perfect is that?) by Steve Earle:

I was innocently trying to illustrate the second verse:

"Shimmering she moves

Sunlight all around her

Even when she's blue

Silver clouds surround her"

And everything was going perfectly...until I was finished and looked at the thing overall.  And then I thought Oh Crap!  This looks like a blue ghost floating to heaven (not my belief).  And then I thought Oh Crap!  This looks like a blue sperm swimming towards an egg (sunny side up cause of the yellow...then I giggle at 'sunny side up' in reference to people eggs because I'm a child...)...and that's gross.  And then my brain got this weird connection thing going on (it does this a lot) and I thought Oh Crap! what if the 'bright light' that people claim to see when having near death experiences is you seeing light for the first time when coming out of some lady's baby factory and reincarnation is real (also not my belief).

I find it mildly annoying to be having these semi-philosophical and mostly ridiculous thoughts based on an art journal page...I blame it on the glitter involved in the making of this piece.  I really don't like glitter.  Ok, that's a lie...I don't like glitter as an art supply...at least not in my hands.

It's a long established fact that glitter is the STD of the art world...once you get it, you aren't getting rid of it.  You used it once, five years ago, and it ends up on your body every so often for the rest of your life...a horrible disease for which there is no penicillin...

The bad part is glitter is pretty.  Actually this is probably the same reason people end up with real STDs...they're sucked in by the attractiveness and don't look for the warning signs...I don't know for sure, as I've never had one...that's just a theory...but I digress.

The moral of the story is that, because glitter is pretty, it sucked me in with it's beauty and made me feel safe.  I bought a big sampler-type package of it many moons ago because it looked so cute in it's tiny little shaker bottles...so colorful and sparkly and amazing....and I should have known better...I know the dangers of unprotected glitter use...but I was in love, so I bought it.  Now here I am years later with a big sampler package of glitter that I used once (after today twice) and I'm still picking glitter off my face from that first time!  

I believe there are two solutions to my glitter problem.  

Number one is to take my tiny little shaker bottles and put them on display in my studio...always to be looked at, never to be touched.  Then I can enjoy the pretty without actually risking exposure.  My only concern is that I will get so consumed by the beauty of the glitter that I will forget the danger and use again...and then I'm back to square one.

Number two is the other extreme, where I take all my glitter and go gangbusters and use it all up in one sitting and hope to all things good and holy in the world that I manage to rid myself of the glitter herpes at some point in life.

-

The prompt for REVERB14 today is:

What rooted or anchored you in 2014?

And where do you want to put down roots in 2015?

When I read the word "rooted' in the prompt today, it honestly didn't give me a positive vibe.  Maybe I'm crazy, but when I read it, the first thing that came into my mind was being stuck...when you're rooted to something you're not going anywhere!  

When I calmed down a little, I saw that the idea of having roots wasn't as scary and claustrophobic as it felt. 

Plants NEED roots to live!  It's how they nourish themselves and how they survive and thrive and do all that awesome stuff plants do.  And there I was, ironically with an alter-ego named after a freaking plant, being afraid of the permanency that roots brought to mind...it was at that point I realized that my roots didn't have to be anything specific...I didn't have to be bound to a literal place in order to have roots.

I will probably be repeating some things I said in previous posts, but the first thing (well, two things) that came to mind was my art journals and this blog.  Having a place...ok, two places...where I feel safe to completely purge myself of whatever is on my mind has been so...so...I don't even know what word I can use to describe the crazy fantastic, relieved feeling it gives me.  Like literal roots, these things nourish me...they have given me what I need to grow from a sparse and sad little seedling into something else entirely.  

I recognize that any growth or change comes from within me first and foremost, but the blog and journaling have enabled me to focus my energy.  

The journals are the place where everything goes...sometimes it's just one thing, sometimes it's a pile of stuff all at once...but it all gets in there eventually...and gets all that chaos out of my head.  

This blog is where I really dial in and get to the meat...where I can look at the journal page and the issue behind it and work on a solution.  I can't explain how much of a help it is to me to say/type these things out loud.  It makes everything...I don't know...more real...or maybe I should say valid.  It takes the things that make me question my sanity and let's me say "If it's important to you, then it IS important."  

This blog is the place where I first felt safe enough to start being myself, my TRUE self and the place where I laid the groundwork for becoming my true self in my day-to-day life.  And all the encouraging comments are like the sunshine in my growth cycle...they have given, and continue to give me, the boost to keep growing.  I don't know how you do it, but you all manage to somehow say the exact right things at the exact right times and I am sincerely grateful to you for it.  I would not be where I am today, mentally and emotionally, if it weren't for you...it's a debt I can never repay.

To be honest, in 2015, I am hoping to anchor myself rather than put down roots.  I like the idea of anchoring because, when there are less than favorable conditions, one can always pull up anchor and head for a safer harbor.

I am in the terrible habit of believing it's my fault when things don't work out...of feeling like a failure...or, more correctly, THE failure...the only one responsible.  I put so much effort into fixing things that can't be fixed...so often that I should probably get some sort of award for it.  

But you know what?

The captain doesn't control the whole ocean, only her ship.  There are times when we can brave the storm...times where we know the storm will pass and we will be stronger and wiser for the struggle we've endured.  And then there are times when the only thing we can do is find blue skies in the distance and sail on through. 

In 2015, I hope to take my roots with me as I pull up anchor and sail on through to those clear blue skies.

Bravely Going

WARNING: Be prepared for a lot of talking/reading...I apologize in advance!

The prompt for DOCUMENTED LIFE this past week was to "Pick a Fantasy Vacation Spot and Create a Packing List.  Money is No Object."  And here's what I made:

My packing list includes time, space, solitude, and clarity...smallest suitcase ever!

I was having some trouble with this prompt...because in real life, I am the lightest packer ever.  So I chose to instead focus on the fantasy vacation spot itself.  The things I dreamed of having there ended up being a lot less tangible than clothes or a toothbrush...although I suppose they'd be on the list too...

In my dream vacation spot, the little red building off in the distance is actually a big house full of art supplies and boxes and boxes of somebody else's interesting stuff...and it's less of a vacation spot and more of an I-get-to-stay-as-long-as-I-want spot...like a month...OK, two months...at least...  

The big red house, whom we shall call Clifford, is quiet and secluded...it's surrounded by forest and just on the other side of the house is a lake where I can go fishing or swimming or just sit on the porch swing (you can't see it in the picture, but there's an awesome porch swing) and look out over the lake and ponder.  

Clifford (the big red house) is on the outest of outskirts of a sleepy little town full of antique shops and diners where the waitresses are all in their early 50s and wear just a little bit too much makeup and call me "Hon" in a way that I find completely unoffensive, despite the fact that I usually hate it when people who don't know me call me pet names...  They bring me pie and my teeth don't hurt when I eat it (stupid sugar making my teeth hurt in real life...WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE BUT LOVED YOU?!?)...and I've got a never ending glass of the best sweet tea in existence. 

And all day, every day, I do whatever comes into my mind to do, whether it's be creative or sort through somebody else's old, unwanted random stuff to see what I want to keep (is it weird that this is my second favorite ideal way to spend a fantasy day?) or cook while listening to some awesome music or lake view pondering...or relax with a delicious beverage in a Jacuzzi with water that miraculously stays the perfect temperature and doesn't make me all prune-y.

And I suppose that the main thing I want on this extended vacation is clarity.  I'd love to have a place where I could breath...where I could let go of stress and just relax and sink in.  I'm interested to see what I would do if I had time enough and space enough...what would I do if I could do whatever I pleased, without a million nagging voices pulling me off in one direction or another?  What direction would I choose?

-

For REVERB14 today, the prompt is threefold:

When and how was I brave in 2014?

Choose one or more of those moments of bravery and write a letter to yourself back at the beginning of 2014, letting you know how brave you are going to be that year.

Write yourself a short reminder to tuck into your wallet or post above your desk of just how brave you can and will be in 2015.

In order to skip repeating myself, I'm just going straight to the letter part:

You're not going to believe it when I tell you this, but you will do so many brave things this year...things that seem impossible here at the beginning...you're going to amaze yourself.

This is the year you make yourself be heard.  You are going to confront someone who did you wrong...yeah, confrontation, I know...I wouldn't have believed it either, but it's true!  And not only are you going to confront this person, but you're going to have an actual adult conversation.  You are going to be brave enough (and mature enough) to accept that there are two sides to every story and you're going to forgive this person even though they hurt you...you are going to be brave enough to trust them again...brave enough to give someone a second chance.  And it's going to have some really interesting results.

This year you're going to be brave enough to hear and accept the truth.  You're going to receive constructive criticism and you're not going to take it as an attack on you and you're not going to hold a grudge against the one telling you that you've still got some room for improvement...in fact, you're going to be really grateful to her.  She's even going to make you cry like a big baby...and you are going to thank her for it.

And that's not the only time you cry this year...yeah, you are gonna be brave enough to cry...in front of other people...not in the shower with the water running so that no one hears.  Nope...right out in the open...and you're going to be ok with it and not feel like a total idiot.

This year you are going to share more of your art with the world and be brave enough to say that you think your art is actually pretty good...even though you worry that someone will disagree...even though you worry that you can't handle negative comments about something so precious to you...even though you worry that someone's going to think you're getting too big for your britches.  You're going to be brave enough to experiment in your art, to keep reaching out for improvement, and to admit just how much your art means to you.

There's so much more in your life this year...but I think I have to let some of it surprise you.  After all, you're going to live it.  You won't be unafraid, but you will face those things that frighten you with courage and determination.  And when you get to the end, you're going to turn around and look back at all the things you've done and how far you've come in 2014.  And you're going to be brave enough to say you're proud of yourself.  I'm so very proud of you.

~

The reminder I will carry with me through 2015 is this:

Don't hesitate, because the pause in between breaths is the shadow where fear lies in wait for you.  Cannonball into the waters of your life with reckless abandon.  

  Don't let yourself drown by treading water for too long.

When the current of your heart pulls you into a direction you don't expect, let it.

.  You know.  You've known all along.  Be brave enough to admit it.

Bask in the beauty of your own being.

(Secret) Lover

Today's REVERB14 prompt is:

Write a (love) letter from you to you...filled with forgiveness, love, and a big bear hug.

"I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people."
-Vincent Van Gogh

I didn't want to write you this letter.  It seemed stupid to me to put down in writing things you should already know.  But how can you know them?  I say these things to other people, but never to you...not on sunny days when I'm proud of the person you've become and not in the middle of dark, cold nights when you're lying in bed scared to death and all you need is for someone to tell you it's going to be alright...I never speak up.  You deserve to know the truth:

I see how hard you try.  I know how very close you've been to giving up and how you fought, tooth and nail, just to make it through one day, one hour, one minute.  All while wearing a smile on your face, so that no one else would be burdened with the pain you felt.

I know how you've grown as a person.  How you put yourself out in the world, despite your fear that you would be rejected, and let your voice be heard and your self be seen.  I've seen you tell the truth, even though someone might have used it to hurt you and even though it was the last thing you wanted to do.  I've seen you, shaking in your shoes, but still standing your ground.  I've seen you learn what it means to forgive and move on and how you've been rewarded for it.

I see you making difficult decisions, even though you fear the consequences.  I see you understanding at last that walking away from someone who continually hurts you may be the only solution that works...and that you finally understand that you can't live your life for other people...that you are the only one with the right to decide how you live.  It's sweet of you to not want to disappoint the people you love, but you know you have to decide your future.  They can't decide for you anymore ..it's up to them if they don't want to be involved in the life you make.  And it's ok to be sad about that, but it's not ok to push yourself into their mold...I know you see that now.

I wish I could tell you differently, but my love for you isn't perfect.  It waxes and wanes at the most inopportune times.  I'm fickle mostly and can never decide exactly how it is that I see you: good or bad, strong or weak, wise or foolish.  My love for you isn't black and white, but infinite shades of a million colors and I expect you to know things I can never convey.

But I'm working on it, I'm getting better at it...and you, too, improve with time...you get more lovable as you take another step towards letting the person you are on the inside become the one you are on the outside.  

I love you more today than I did yesterday.  Tomorrow I will love you more.  And I promise that I will keep loving you as long as you keep dragging yourself out of bed in the morning and facing the day with open eyes and an open heart.

Routine

The prompt for today's REVERB14 is:

What tiny rituals: signal that your day is starting, help you ease into a creative project, give you closure from an intensive task, or mark other significant milestones in your day?  What new rituals would you like to create in the new year?

"If you cannot find your way on the beaten path, then perhaps the time has come to blaze your own."

I suppose my morning ritual is my husband waking me up (his job starts earlier than mine) by saying "Wake up. I gotta go" while violently shaking me awake...he is THE WORST person to have wake you up, I swear it.  The phrase "I gotta go" is kind of a running joke between me and him, because he repeats it at least ten times before he actually leaves the house.  No one is trying to stop him from leaving...it's just his weird way of saying goodbye.

Nowadays, I'm pretty much a zombie for the first half hour my eyes are open.  My mom teases me about my inability to have a simple conversation first thing in the morning.  But that wasn't always the case.

I used to be able to jump out of bed ready to face the day...you know, one of those annoyingly perky people that field mice and song birds help dress in the morning (a la Cinderella)?  Yeah, that used to be me.  I used to be the kind of girl who got more stuff done before breakfast than most people do all day.

That Cinderella version of me (Sweets-erella or is it CinderSweets?) got killed off a long time ago at the hands of apathy...at first from others and then my own.  Indifference is extremely contagious.

For instance, if you spend all day cleaning your house, just to have someone come in and crap it up in thirty minutes, you eventually quit trying...or maybe that was just me.

When there are two people involved in something, both people have to work towards the same goal.  When it seems that the person who's supposed to be on your team is in the routine of undermining your efforts, you get discouraged and will eventually stop putting forth that effort.  It doesn't necessarily mean you've given up on your goal...just that you recognize the fruitlessness of trying to accomplish it at the current time.  Eventually, it becomes your routine not to care either or at least to live with things as they are because it's too much work to do anything else.  But the stress caused by not accomplishing the things you want to simmers under the surface and you eventually start sleeping through the alarm clock and you start drop-kicking the birds and mice that came to help you dress...again, maybe that's just me...

I've gotten to the point where I am apathetic about things that should be important and I hate it.  I've got no respect for that type of person.

Apathy is a well worn path at my house, but I refuse to let it be the endgame.

Things will change for me very soon.  I will make them change.  And in time, the routine I'm currently in will be nothing but a distant memory, written off as a learning experience.

Eventually, the birds and mice will forgive me and come help me dress in the morning again.  My house will stay clean.  And instead of being apathetic, this will be me:

...beavers around the world will rejoice at how many damns I give.

I've realized I can't keep taking the same road and expect it to get me anywhere other than where it's always gotten me.  Instead, I've got to be bold, branch off, and start a new path.  

It seems scary and overwhelming now, because I've gotten so used to my routine...but I know that, in time, I will have a new routine that was forged by my own two hands.  

As Helen Keller put it, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing".  I'm not scared and overwhelmed, I'm an adventurer!  I'm not getting lost out in the world, I'm a trailblazer, making my own way.  And I am not Rhett Butler, because, frankly, my dears, I DO give a damn.