I Must Be Heard

Before I got all sickly like, I had ordered a few things (literally a few...two crafter's workshop stencils, a mask and a set of masks from Maya Road, and a trial size bottle of Ranger's Crackle Accents) from Joann's online...probably the last crafty purchase in the foreseeable future.  But they didn't arrive till I was in the throws of sickliness, so I didn't get to play with them until I got out of the hospital...and even then it was just to spray some ink through my new stencils (mini fish scales and mini harlequin) and to use the big wing mask and see what they were like.  For the record, they are awesome...

I kept looking at the page with the stenciled ink thinking how much I really love the new toys...and all of the sudden I wanted to paint a face on...and not really my usual face...a SHINY GOLD FACE.  I don't know what it was about the page, but I wanted to just pour gold all over it...that's not like me!

So here's what I made:

See???  She's very SHINY...I used dylusions in the background, martha stewart pearl and metallic paints for the face, and perfect pearls for some highlighting (lips, eyes, and lettering).

So out came this shiny girl, who I have struggled to define...  She's got wings, but she's not a fairy...she's not an angel... all the shiny reminded me of some kind of ancient idol, but she's not that either.  I didn't really intend for her to 'be' anything, really just to paint a face...but when I was looking at her, valkyrie popped into my head.  I think because in my brain, a valkyrie denotes a powerful woman or a woman who is a protector...I then googled valkyrie, because I wanted to know what they really were supposed to be, and wikipedia had an interesting short little read about them (which you can find HERE if you would like).

I suppose it's kind of fitting, because this face spread has an interesting feature... I had originally done a face with my aquamarkers on the left page, but I didn't like it very much, so I just sprayed over it with the inks, thinking it would mostly be covered up...and it is.  You can see it in the above picture, if you look closely, but I only really saw it strongly when I was playing around with the Picsart app on my phone and used the "Invert" function:

See the ghostly image of the face that was?  I kind of REALLY LIKE TO A RIDICULOUS DEGREE that this other gal is secretly behind the main shiny gal.  I don't want to say hiding...in my brain, it's more like Shiny stepped in front of the other girl...almost to protect her.  I don't know which one of them is demanding to be heard.  And I don't know if I'm the gal in the background, the one who needs protected, or if I'm the valkyrie that's doing the protecting, or if I'm both of these girls...  Yeah, kind of weird, I know, but all this stuff just popped into my brain as I was messing around with the photo app...what can I say...I've been on pain killers...they've clearly affected my mind... (haha)

When I started thinking about the picture, I realized that I've got an intense desire to be...coddled (?) right now.  This is not my usual way, let me assure you.  In my real life...my non-internet, day-to-day life...I've always been the strong one.  I've been independent pretty much since I popped out of the womb, I think.  I've been held accountable for my actions, I've paid my dues, I've been there for those around me in every way it's been possible.  And I don't think there's anything wrong with that necessarily.  I know I can do things for myself, and that's a positive thing.  I want to help people if I can.  But every great once in a while, I need someone in my day to day life to be that person for me.  Don't get me wrong, the love and support from all my friends online is something I am extremely grateful for.  But I need that from the people who are around me on a daily basis sometimes too.  I don't need to be sick, in pain, and hospitalized and then have to deal with trivialities.  That's NOT ok.  Maybe, for once, I need to be cut a little slack.

The problem is my fault, at least partly.  I never ask for this.  I don't think I have ever in my life asked for someone to let me lean on them.  I know what my place is...I am the supporter.  I am not the one who needs support.  Since that's the way I've always been, that's the way I am treated...in basically all the relationships I have.  And it makes me...disgruntled...that no one seems to take it upon themselves to look at me in a different light.  But, people are oblivious...not out of spite or on purpose necessarily, but they are.  And it's not fair for me to expect them to be otherwise...nor is it realistic.  And so all of the angry feelings that are welling up inside of me right now... they're all misguided.  

If I am needing support, I need to ask for it.  I can't keep sitting still and waiting for change to happen, when it hasn't happened for thirty years...that's the definition of crazy!  So it's high time I ask for the things I need. If the support still doesn't come, then, yes, I am totally going to allow myself to be upset over it...and rethink my relationships.   But maybe I'll ask for it and actually receive it.  Maybe, if I speak up, I can be heard.